Possessiveness

[JamieJ424]

I know submissives generally like to feel like they are appreciated, and a dominant with a territorial bent can be a good thing in some ways, can make a sub feel protected and valued and...possessed, for lack of a better word.

But can it go to far? Is there a point when possessiveness can become jealousy and insecurity? Or are they separate emotions with overlapping symptoms?

J

 

[VladHarkonnen]

Of course there's a point where it gets out of hand...where that point is will differ, of course. But everyone is possessive to a point. Even subs are possessive/jealous with their doms. Subs might not be allowed to show it (which might play a role in their submission) but they do have those feelings.

 

[knot_sweet]

It's not just subs that need to feel appreciated. Appreciation is something most people need.

As for the possession / jealousy / insecurity issue;

I think posessiveness can be a symptom of jealousy or insecurity for some people, not just dominants.

For a lot of dominants, that posessive feeling is part of the power exchange.

The whole aspect of "mine" is very much a turn on for me both as a sub and a dom.

For me, posessiveness and jealousy are linked, but positively. The more secure I feel in the "mine", the less jealous I get.

For other people, this may not be the case at all.

Yes, there is a point where jealousy and posessiveness go too far. While it's perfectly natural to get a touch jealous when an attractive person flirts with your significant other, invading their privacy to find out who they're talking to, accusing them of cheating all the time and other such behaviours are not ok. Ever.

Again, like any emotional stuff, it's all down to the individuals involved in the relationship.

 

[JamieJ424]

Good thoughts, thanks.

I guess I am interested in the connection between insecurity, possessiveness, and jealousy as an exercise in self exploration. There are boundaries between each, but blurred, and like you said there are degrees of everything. I have recently had a world-altering life change, and while I knew all of this stuff had been rolling around in my head for a long time, it's been getting worse, and I find myself hating my behavior sometimes, hating what it says about me.

Ah well. Back to contemplating my navel.

Oh, and Knot Sweet...that quote about football being a collision sport...I do believe that came out of a stephen king novel.

J

 

[Ulfsmouse]

I think this might relate to the subject.

I usually have a knee-jerk rabid aversion to jealousy. I never had it, and neither did my PYL. So fast forward to about a week ago, when we were going over my BDSM checklist. We got to temporarily giving away to another Dom, and he responded with "Not bloody likely". I felt very happy with his response, and had not been wild about the "Well of course" I expected. We got to having more subs, and some flare of resentment for this hypothetical woman came out of nowhere! He wasn't sure if he was up to meeting the needs of another, which made the flare die down, but left me feeling guilty and unsure of myself. The next day, we got to servicing another Dom, and he told me he didn't share his toys well. I got the shivers, felt like I was going to melt, and was instantly wet. Guess you had to be there. Later, though, I went up to him and explained my concerns about the strange way I'd reacted, both to his responses and my own. His explanation made me feel much better.

When it comes to bed partners, neither of us have had a problem. He has no issue with another lover, never has. But when it comes to another Dom, that's different. I think it's a matter of when it comes to BDSM, he's being asked to think of me as his property. And as he said, he doesn't like to share his toys. He pointed out that any girlfriend that came into our lives, if she became part of our lives long-term would at least have to be okay with BDSM if not into it. Chances are she'd be into it. Most of the weird jealous flare fizzed out then. He went on to point out that two subs means being able to have them service each other and save his energy. All the unfamiliar jealous sensation destroyed instantly and replaced with my constant companion lust. Yum.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Maybe that line is drawn when the insecurities within one limits the others desired life experiences? Or perhaps, when ones insecurities begin to pick at the foundation of trust and create insecurities in the other or in the relationship itself?

That said, I think people are fallible, and pursuing perfection is a sort of like trying to catch a unicorn... Pretty cool to think about, but not actually possible. We all have "wrong side of the bed" days, and that is OK. I like the quote, "If you can take me at my worst, then you deserve my very best." For me, real love looks more like unconditional acceptance. Yes, that includes the ugliest parts of ourselves, which often get filed in the "stuff I am insecure about" drawer.

I think the key is to check your thoughts and make sure that you are in a relationship that allows for the brutal honesty that gives you the space to own your insecurities and prevent yourself from projecting them onto the other person. Take the time to poke at the question, is it my insecurities or is it their behavior that is making me feel this way? Is it that I don't trust them to handle "x" situation, or is that I can't handle it? What is it that I actually need from them? What is it that I am scared of?

From my experience, it was the lack of owning ones mistakes and weaknesses that was most toxic to the relationship and not the mistakes themselves.

Owning your shit will earn my respect, and that is something I can't be in a relationship without.

 

[seven_of_nine]

Owning your shit will earn my respect, and that is something I can't be in a relationship without.

I agree so much with this.

If you're not sure whether your desire to dominant it a healthy one, then make sure you open a dialogue about it with whoever submits to you. Take the time to make sure she feels owned and cherished rather than oppressed or mistrusted. The fact you're worried about this is a very positive step I think. There's no shame in checking yourself and questioning your motivations. So long as you keep a close eye on yourself I reckon you're unlikely to wind up causing a partner grief.

 

[JamieJ424]

I appreciate and agree with the thoughts above, that it's important to communicate whatever feelings are in play. I am very big on owning my shit, as it were, and I like to consider myself to be somewhat self aware. We don't get to pick how we feel, we just have to accept it and figure out what comes next.

If anything, sometimes I feel like I share too much! Better that than not enough I suppose. For her part, she has been nothing but brilliant about this, listening to me rant and calmly working towards a resolution.

I know it's at least partly me being a territorial dominant, as ulfs described above...I consider that normal, maybe even a good thing. I get growly and protective when others think it's okay to make a play at what I consider mine. I hope that's all it is, but I am also afraid there's some ugly insecurity in there too.

Thanks for the thoughts all. This is great, thought provoking stuff.

J

 

[Riles]

I appreciate and agree with the thoughts above, that it's important to communicate whatever feelings are in play. I am very big on owning my shit, as it were, and I like to consider myself to be somewhat self aware. We don't get to pick how we feel, we just have to accept it and figure out what comes next.

If anything, sometimes I feel like I share too much! Better that than not enough I suppose. For her part, she has been nothing but brilliant about this, listening to me rant and calmly working towards a resolution.

I know it's at least partly me being a territorial dominant, as ulfs described above...I consider that normal, maybe even a good thing. I get growly and protective when others think it's okay to make a play at what I consider mine. I hope that's all it is, but I am also afraid there's some ugly insecurity in there too.

Thanks for the thoughts all. This is great, thought provoking stuff.

J

Checks and balances, "J".

And as posted a bit above, this is not an issue limited to just the D's mindset;
possessiveness is a heavy part of this sort of relationship for BOTH parties, and provided both sides are willing to communicate freely about these issues I think it can all be kept in hand.

I'm willing to bet that "she" can deal with your demons, but is also open to the possibility that her behaviour at times needs review if it's caused the original possessiveness to flare.

...it's not always on your shoulders alone.

 

[BadKat135]

I know submissives generally like to feel like they are appreciated, and a dominant with a territorial bent can be a good thing in some ways, can make a sub feel protected and valued and...possessed, for lack of a better word.

But can it go to far? Is there a point when possessiveness can become jealousy and insecurity? Or are they separate emotions with overlapping symptoms?

J

Speaking personally as a sub. its always better to have some anonymity. I have to feel like it is still my decision. He needs to feel like I willingly follow his rules, gets off on it. For him its about the mind control.

 

[miss_sweetness]

Mister

Just sent my Mister an email that brought tears to his eyes ... I am his slut and no-one else’s and this is the way I want it too ...we are meeting in a few weeks …. skin time for first time … will also be my first D/s physical contact …. something amazing about a man that wants to travel large kms to see you …. we will have fun and he sends me to bed most nights with hugs and kisses .....take note - us girls like that even if it is not a physical act ... the sentiment is the same!

 

[dexwebster]

The more secure I feel in the "mine", the less jealous I get.

That sums it up perfectly to me.

I think there's a difference between "a sense of possession" and possessiveness. To me possessiveness = jealousy, that sense of "this is mine and no one else gets to have it, I want it for myself." Most of the time that feeling is based in insecurity (if I share them I'll lose them), and can take a hike, as far as I'm concerned.

The sense of possession is when you're confident enough in the dynamic that it doesn't matter. Sure they can flirt, or a dom can share their sub with someone, because they know they're going to be back where they belong at the end of the day. As the pyl in my relationship, that one I thrive on.

 

[LittleSparks]

That sums it up perfectly to me.

I think there's a difference between "a sense of possession" and possessiveness. To me possessiveness = jealousy, that sense of "this is mine and no one else gets to have it, I want it for myself." Most of the time that feeling is based in insecurity (if I share them I'll lose them), and can take a hike, as far as I'm concerned.

The sense of possession is when you're confident enough in the dynamic that it doesn't matter. Sure they can flirt, or a dom can share their sub with someone, because they know they're going to be back where they belong at the end of the day. As the pyl in my relationship, that one I thrive on.

I think I can get behind the distinction here, with the exception of "sharing" perhaps. Possessiveness does come with a certain amount of baggage I think, and is not the "sense of possession" some subs strive to feel from their masters.

 

[LadyHawkinz]

A committed Dom/sub relationship is just like any other romantic relationship. Yeah, there's going to be jealousy here and there when someone flirts too much with your sub, or tries to take it beyond that even, but just like in any other relationship, there is an element of trust that has to exist.

So, what I'm trying to say is yes. Jealousy can be taken too far in a Dom/sub relationship, just like in any other.

 

[Rainbow123]

As a new domme with my first sub I struggle with this one. I don't let him mention past relationships save his late wife as the jealousy eats me up, and he is vaguely amused by that. He seems happy that I feel so strongly and sees it as a sign of my dominance. However he is away on business for a month currently (locked in a chastity device) and I don't quiz him or feel insecure so I hope I have the balance right. Were he not locked I am not sure i could cope.

We are considering bringing a third party in, and for me that will have to be a dominant woman but I will still have to be totally in control of him. And I worry that, if she interacts with him sexually I will get off on it in the heat of the moment then will regret it.

I think the other side of ugly jealousy is how protective I feel over him. Like a lioness with her cub. If anyone hurt him I would be in there like a shot. It's all part of it. Very extreme emotions. Very very exciting...And very confusing sometimes ...

Apologies for iPhone typos