polygamy

[yoshimitsu]

I did a search and was suprised to not find a thread devoted to this particular subject.

What are thoughts and experiences on this subject?
It seems like when harems or polygamy is mentiond people (Maybe just us guys ) often think of one guy getting to bang a bunch of chicks all the time but I want to talk about the deeper aspect of this subject.
It seems to me there would be some big advantages to this setup. Two people could work and one could stay at home or the group could all work part time and rotate taking care of the home, Kids could get more family time instead of hiring someone outside the family to take care of them.

I know there would also be some disadvantages. Just keeping a relationship of two running strong takes a bit of work but if comunication remained strong a group could also have more power to hold it's self together.

Here's another thought I have had since I believe a parents most important mission in life has to be the effect they will have on their kid is how this kind of relationship would affect children. I think in the house it has the potential to be just as beneficial as any other home situation but could you imagine going to first grade and telling the kids that your moms packed your lunch and one of your dads dropped you off this morning but the other one is picking you up after school.
I could see this would deffinatley ad a chalenge to certian social situations but probably no more than a gay or lesbian couple would.
It would also give a kid more primary role modles with varrying perspectives on life.
What are your thoughts?

 

[emap]

Your umm confusing polygamy with two couples living together and sharing the kids.

Polygamy for all intents and purposes is one man, with multiple wives. It's a very male centered practice since he is the one having enough sex, the women on the other hand are missing out on at least some of the sex with the man they love, not to mention the sweeter moments that comes from living with the man you love.

The way it worked in Arizona and Utah was each wife had her own house, the husband would travel between houses, normally on a day to day to basis. The larger sets of wives would see their husband once a week, all of them having kids the wives all have to work and make do on minimum wage and whatever their husband alots for their house. In Arizona especially the wives tended to be on Welfarehave 2-3 kids each and claim to be happy, but if you really look, they aren't until he shows up and they get their weekly alotment of sex and time with him.

If you really want to look deeper into polygamy, think about it this way, imagine yourself being a wife and getting sex once a week, or three times a month, now does that sound nice to you? Or imagine having 4 kids, getting barely enough foodstamps to feed them and you and if your lucky having enough money to pay electric, water, and gas, buy diapers and the basic school supplies for your kids. You get no cable, no internet, no computer, maybe get a game console, that most likely you have to share with all of the other wives and their kids. Oh and you have to share you husband with those other wives plus his job so you only get to talk to him and enjoy his company for about 3 hours a week.

 

[Ezzy]

Here is a better explaination of the three forms of polygamy.

 

[bisexplicit]

There was actually an interesting documentary I watched on mormons who still practiced polygamy openly in Utah (I believe it was on A&E).

Basically, they felt it was a more righteous way to live, especially in comparison to people who would have extramarrital affairs, however, the wives, and even some of the husbands, thought it was an incredibly challenging way to live, and basically, if it wasn't "the path to heaven" would not have chosen that lifestyle.

 

[phoenix1224]

Like many things...

On paper, it sounds all fine and dandy but, in practice, it can be twisted into something horrible...

The dangers of polygamy.

 

[CutieMouse]

You might get a little more enlightened (and realistic) view, by googling polyamory, which is not polygamy.

A good intro book on the subject is The Ethical Slut.

 

[Wyldfire]

You might get a little more enlightened (and realistic) view, by googling polyamory, which is not polygamy.

A good intro book on the subject is The Ethical Slut.

Yes! Someone who understands the difference. Thank you for the insight.

 

[werdsmith]

from a guys perspective, I don't think you'd ever have any time alone, and it would just be that many more headaches and fires to have to put out. No thanks,

 

[Wyldfire]

from a guys perspective, I don't think you'd ever have any time alone, and it would just be that many more headaches and fires to have to put out. No thanks,

Coward. The man in my life loves having two of us to care for.

 

[yoshimitsu]

Here is a better explaination of the three forms of polygamy.

Thanks for the link.
This is closest to what I am talking about

"Group marriage
Group marriage, or circle marriage, may exist in a number of forms, such as where more than one man and more than one woman form a single family unit, and all members of the marriage share parental responsibility for any children arising from the marriage."

As with most things the Mormon version doesn't really interest me.

I suppose Polyamory can define a simalar relationship however what I read gives it mor the vibe of casual relationships or less intimate or family oriented.

Polyamory
Main article: Polyamory.

The term polyamory refers to romantic or sexual relationships involving multiple partners at once, regardless of whether they involve marriage. Any polygamous relationship is polyamorous, and some polyamorous relationships involve multiple spouses. "Polygamy" is usually used to refer to multiple marriage, while "polyamory" implies a relationship defined by negotiation between its members rather than cultural norms.


werdsmith
I see the possibility that you could take time for yourself and if another person in the relationship needs company there as someone else there to fill that role.

 

[Flyin_Free]

If you really want to look deeper into polygamy, think about it this way, imagine yourself being a wife and getting sex once a week, or three times a month, now does that sound nice to you? Or imagine having 4 kids, getting barely enough foodstamps to feed them and you and if your lucky having enough money to pay electric, water, and gas, buy diapers and the basic school supplies for your kids. You get no cable, no internet, no computer, maybe get a game console, that most likely you have to share with all of the other wives and their kids. Oh and you have to share you husband with those other wives plus his job so you only get to talk to him and enjoy his company for about 3 hours a week.

I don't live all that far from a huge polygamist community in Canada...and they definately aren't poor. They own a lot of land, businesses, and houses around here.

It's not a lifestyle I'd agree with at all or anything but I just wanted to point out that they're not all poor.

 

[SweetErika]

I suppose Polyamory can define a simalar relationship however what I read gives it mor the vibe of casual relationships or less intimate or family oriented.

Polyamory
Main article: Polyamory.

The term polyamory refers to romantic or sexual relationships involving multiple partners at once, regardless of whether they involve marriage. Any polygamous relationship is polyamorous, and some polyamorous relationships involve multiple spouses. "Polygamy" is usually used to refer to multiple marriage, while "polyamory" implies a relationship defined by negotiation between its members rather than cultural norms.

Polyamory can involve more casual relationships, but the bold portion is really the essence of it: the people involved define the goals, rules, levels of commitment and involvement. It can range from supporting a partner(s) in having sex and/or relationships with others, to having sexual relations with multiple people (usually distinguished from swinging by the presence and acceptance of strong emotions, e.g. expressing emotions via sex), to romantic relationships with more than one person to a live-in/family/marriage-like arrangement with multiple people (with just about every configuration imaginable).

Because marriage between multiple people isn't legal in many countries, when you see people with multiple husbands or wives in those societies, you're actually seeing polyamory in a polyandry- or polygamy-type configuration, from a legal/civil standpoint. The Fundamentalist Mormons who practice polygamy, for example, only have one legal marriage at most, and generally define each "marriage" as "a union between a man and a woman ordained by God"--because they're defining their own relationships with multiple people, they're technically practicing polyamory, in a polygamist format.

I'm polyamorous, and enjoy (mostly) serious relationships outside of my marriage. Prioritizing my primary relationship seems to work best for us, but I'm not closed to having a strong commitment/marriage or family-type arrangement with the right person(s) in the future. The well being of any kids in that situation would be top priority, but I think kids are very adaptable, can certainly be raised to be healthy and happy in that environment, and we would simply deal with things as they come. I definitely plan on teaching them all relationship configurations between consenting adults are great as long as everyone's happy/healthy, though, and will share aspects of our lifestyle at appropriate times.

 

[yoshimitsu]

Polyamory can involve more casual relationships, but the bold portion is really the essence of it: the people involved define the goals, rules, levels of commitment and involvement. It can range from supporting a partner(s) in having sex and/or relationships with others, to having sexual relations with multiple people (usually distinguished from swinging by the presence and acceptance of strong emotions, e.g. expressing emotions via sex), to romantic relationships with more than one person to a live-in/family/marriage-like arrangement with multiple people (with just about every configuration imaginable).

Because marriage between multiple people isn't legal in many countries, when you see people with multiple husbands or wives in those societies, you're actually seeing polyamory in a polyandry- or polygamy-type configuration, from a legal/civil standpoint. The Fundamentalist Mormons who practice polygamy, for example, only have one legal marriage at most, and generally define each "marriage" as "a union between a man and a woman ordained by God"--because they're defining their own relationships with multiple people, they're technically practicing polyamory, in a polygamist format.

I'm polyamorous, and enjoy (mostly) serious relationships outside of my marriage. Prioritizing my primary relationship seems to work best for us, but I'm not closed to having a strong commitment/marriage or family-type arrangement with the right person(s) in the future. The well being of any kids in that situation would be top priority, but I think kids are very adaptable, can certainly be raised to be healthy and happy in that environment, and we would simply deal with things as they come. I definitely plan on teaching them all relationship configurations between consenting adults are great as long as everyone's happy/healthy, though, and will share aspects of our lifestyle at appropriate times.

Awsome input
Thanks

I think I am starting to understand more about the differences. It seems to be a bit of a confusing subject.

My initial impression of Polyamory is it was more about sex which isn't where my focus is, polygamy seems to focus on multiple marriges which deffinately isn't where my focus is.

I guess since the word marrige means very little to me and since I live in the good ol US where multiple marriges would be illeagle and probably cause fer a lynchin I am more interested in a form of Polyamory.


SweetErika
Or anyone else experienced in this area
If you don't mind my prying
How has this lifestyle worked for you?
Has it caused difficulty in your life?
How has it benifitted your life?
I would assume it benifits your primary relationship since you say that relationship takes priority.

 

[CutieMouse]

I have never viewed polyamory as being about sex.

IMO, swinging is about sex, and swinging isn't polyamory, nor is polyamory swinging.

I really do recommend people who are looking into non-traditional/non-monogomus relationships read The Ethical Slut and do a lot of research, then decide if they are interested in working towards that sort of relationship.

 

[werdsmith]

Coward. The man in my life loves having two of us to care for.

I guess I can only disappoint one woman at a time.



I guess this isn't to be confused w/ a normal threesome fantasy, tho, the topic seems much deeper than that.

 

[muskokan]

(usually distinguished from swinging by the presence and acceptance of strong emotions, e.g. expressing emotions via sex),

SweetErika I loved your whole post and the POV you are coming from and it's great to know that there is atleast one other person on this board succesfully involved in a polyamorous relationship.

I'm sure it could be a tough situation to deal with at times but that the benefits are well worth it.

 

[SweetErika]

I have never viewed polyamory as being about sex.

IMO, swinging is about sex, and swinging isn't polyamory, nor is polyamory swinging.

Polyamory isn't all about sex for me either, but I've heard quite a few people identify as poly to go on to explain for them it's mainly about expressing their emotions and/or themselves through sex (sort of the 'free love through sex' concept). And quite a few in the biggest local poly group seem to include sex with friends they love in their definitions, like swinging, only with love/emotions being embraced.

In fact, those are the types of definitions I heard when I first learned of polyamory, and precisely what made me dismiss as something that wasn't right for me. Then I met a woman who identified as poly and had the same ideas/goals as I did, so I started exploring more and learned what a broad, flexible term it was.

How has this lifestyle worked for you?

Being poly has worked well because it's a good, natural fit for me personally. I equate it to sexual orientation or sexuality in that it's an organic inclination that can't be changed, but it can be suppressed/not expressed usually (whether a person's truly happy or happiest doing so is another story though).

Personally, I'm happy when I'm monogamous with my husband, but I'm happiest having the option to express the bisexual and polyamorous facets of my personality. That's the idea that makes it work for both of us in practice, too.

Has it caused difficulty in your life?

The process of coming to this conclusion and working everything else has caused some stress, mostly because it was difficult to break down the 'nonmonogamy=unfaithful=cheating=horrible' and 'going against societal norms is bad/wrong' ideas we grew up with and are constantly bombarded with.

It can also be stressful to be on guard around family, friends, coworkers and people in general, though that hasn't been a huge factor for us so far.

The major difficulty has been caused by secondary relationships. There are the normal problems and pain that come with all relationships. Jealousy and sabotage were major issues when I dated a couple (yet that was an excellent learning experience). Break-ups are crappy, even when they're a relief.

Yes, there's more potential for difficulty and pain, but we feel that's balanced out and overcome by an even greater potential for rewards and happiness.

How has it benifitted your life?

I've learned a whole lot more about myself and others. I don't know when more love, pleasure, needs/wants met, and being ourselves isn't better.

I would assume it benifits your primary relationship since you say that relationship takes priority.

My husband and marriage taking priority is more of a personal thing, a matter of integrity, if you will. I committed to him first, and promised he/our relationship would always take priority when we got engaged, then married, then decided to explore my bisexuality. It would take me not loving him (or vice versa) for that promise to be broken, and the end of our marriage would come with that, anyway.

But, yes, we've found anything that increases true happiness benefits our relationship. He says, "This is a part of who you are, and it makes you happy to be yourself. I love all of you and want you to be happy because that's what's best for you and seeing it makes me happy." I feel the same about him, and have seen how much our personal satisfaction improves our intimacy, relations, and overall marital satisfaction. That's true for everything; notice how poor self-esteem, perceived failure at something major, etc., negatively impacts all interpersonal relationships in some form or another, and real happiness does the opposite.

Polyamory has also benefited other, more specific, areas of our relationship. We started communicating more and deeper out of necessity, but it opened the door for it (Hubby's never been a big talker/sharer), and created a habit that stuck. The sex improved many ways, and even when we're monogamous, there's a passion where it never really was before. We're more careful to avoid the pitfalls we've seen and read about in other relationships. When more needs and wants are met, there's less pressure and tension for both of us, so we're able to focus on doing things 'just because' and enjoying our relationship. We're more appreciative of each other and the very rare, strong relationship we have, so we really nurture and maintain it.