polyamory: pros cons

[pabloback]

boundaries rules what ever you want to call them, need some info on this please

 

[silverwhisper]

it is generally accepted that polyamory works best when there is full consent and disclosure for both partners in the relationship. if there is no informed consent by your partner, it's just cheating.

a couple of ground rules that might be helpful:

1. practice safe sex 100% of the time when with others. presumably your relationship with your partner is your chief priority. just from a cost/benefit analysis standpoint, you don't want to have to practice safe sex with your partner, since you presumably will have sex most often with her.

2. develop a shared understanding about the circumstances in which you will have sex with someone else. does your SO need approval of your sexual partner? just need to know who it is? something else? are there any circumstances in which you or your partner will have sex with someone else without any prior discussion with one another, and if so, what are they?

3. make sure you talk about emotional entanglements with these temporary sexual partners & how to manage the situation should a problem develop.

there are some older threads, linked in the blank manual (a stickied thread). the post that treats of related topics is here, although i don't believe any relate specifically to polyamorous relationships.

note that polyamory isn't for everyone. one might even argue that it isn't for most folks: many of us simply aren't wired that way.

ed

 

[SweetErika]

boundaries rules what ever you want to call them, need some info on this please

Info on what, exactly? Polyamory is a massive topic, and you haven't given us much of anything to go on. What's the situation? What, specifically, do you need help with? What are your more specific questions? Have you googled polyamory and read books like The Ethical Slut already? There's tons of info here and elsewhere (online, RL discussion and support groups, etc.)if you're willing to do the research.

As for rules, you and your partner(s) have to decide what will likely to work for you as individuals and a unique couple/group. There are some general guidelines, like Ed suggested, but there's no rulebook.

 

[McZire]

There are no real rules. Except don't jump into it. Talk it out for a few weeks first. We rushed into our first relationship and ruined it with pure uneasiness. Not really jealousy but just not sure of how to proceed and when to proceed. At first the smallest and dumbest things will seem big. Just talk with your primary and then relax and have fun.
It is totally worth it in the end.

 

[pabloback]

thanks all of you

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

it is generally accepted that polyamory works best when there is full consent and disclosure for both partners in the relationship. if there is no informed consent by your partner, it's just cheating.

a couple of ground rules that might be helpful:

1. practice safe sex 100% of the time when with others. presumably your relationship with your partner is your chief priority. just from a cost/benefit analysis standpoint, you don't want to have to practice safe sex with your partner, since you presumably will have sex most often with her.

2. develop a shared understanding about the circumstances in which you will have sex with someone else. does your SO need approval of your sexual partner? just need to know who it is? something else? are there any circumstances in which you or your partner will have sex with someone else without any prior discussion with one another, and if so, what are they?

3. make sure you talk about emotional entanglements with these temporary sexual partners & how to manage the situation should a problem develop.

there are some older threads, linked in the blank manual (a stickied thread). the post that treats of related topics is here, although i don't believe any relate specifically to polyamorous relationships.

note that polyamory isn't for everyone. one might even argue that it isn't for most folks: many of us simply aren't wired that way.

ed

In my opinion, that's more 'open relationship' than 'polyamory.'

To me, poly would be multiple people being involved in the relationship. Be it 3 or 4 or more people, all members of the group love each other, usually fairly equally, it'd generally not be temporary, and be very emotionally entangled.

Open relationships would sound more like what ed has here, and he has some sound advice.

It really depends what you're after.

 

[pabloback]

any thoughts on being the unicorn in a polyamoros relationship?

 

[Carnevil9]

any thoughts on being the unicorn in a polyamoros relationship?

Unfortunately, the Unicorn is a mythical beast.

 

[pabloback]

is it possible for one partner to want a mainly physical relationship while the other partner wants a proper relationship

 

[SweetErika]

is it possible for one partner to want a mainly physical relationship while the other partner wants a proper relationship

Yep. Polyamory is defined as multiple loves, but people interpret that in different ways. Some people say they express love via purely sexual relationships, while others seek what we think of as more traditional loving relationships. Personally, I think of having sex with multiple people while in a committed relationship as swinging, but plenty of people disagree with me on that.

And one partner can be poly whereas the other is monogamous.

I disagree with Lizzie on the open relationship vs. polyamory thing. Most polyamorists would classify poly as a form of an open relationship, just like swinging is one form of an open relationship or responsible nonmonogamy. Polyamory simply describes a person's ability or willingness to love more than one person (in a romantic way, of course) at the same time; it says nothing about the form/configuration of such love. Polygamists who have multiple wives (with no interaction between said wives) are polyamorists just like people in a triad or quad or group (where there are interactions between many) are polyamorists.

Again, there are some excellent resources online that will answer most of your questions. Alt.poly has a comprehensive FAQ and XeroMag has a lot of great info as well.

 

[McZire]

...I disagree with Lizzie on the open relationship vs. polyamory thing. Most polyamorists would classify poly as a form of an open relationship, just like swinging is one form of an open relationship or responsible nonmonogamy. Polyamory simply describes a person's ability or willingness to love more than one person (in a romantic way, of course) at the same time; it says nothing about the form/configuration of such love. Polygamists who have multiple wives (with no interaction between said wives) are polyamorists just like people in a triad or quad or group (where there are interactions between many) are polyamorists.

Again, there are some excellent resources online that will answer most of your questions. Alt.poly has a comprehensive FAQ and XeroMag has a lot of great info as well.

I agree that there is some ambiguity on the subject. We have never considered ourselves in an open marriage. She dated a girl that had no interest in me and that was fine. That ended and now we are BOTH dating a girl. But we are interested in the relationship and sex. So we consider ourselves in a closed relationship with three people. We don't just go play with people and we rarely seek out partners.
I realize this is all just semantics and the definitions we put on ourselves may just be to make ourselves feel better.

Sorry if that was confusing, it seemed more coherent in my head.

 

[pabloback]

thanks again to both of you