Poly Angst: Seeking Advice

[littlegirlslut]

So i'm currently living about 5 hours away from the couple i'm involved with. yes i know so far not so bdsm. well it is, it's a M/s relationship although this waxes and wanes. right now He is going through some horrible shit with His past - i don't understand it - mainly because i'm younger and have been dealing with shit my entire life and my family did a pretty good job of getting me help when i needed it. i also have tried to do what i've needed to adjust and deal when necessary. not saying i don't have tons of crap to go through and i'm still being dealt some new cards.

we were hoping this would be a lifetime kind of thing but he broke the news to me that he wants no more children to be responsible for - which honestly i don't know if i could have had kids with him. he's a great father - but i don't know if that's because he wants to be or because he feels he *has* to be.

anyway - i don't know how to help him get through most of this because most of it infuriates me. he blames the way he acts now on things that happened more than 2 and 3 decades ago. but he can't get closure and therefore can't get over it. he is truly a wonderful man or i wouldn't be involved. but he's so self involved right now that - i have conversations with myself. i've stopped emailing him and drastically lowered my expectations. i basically just don't talk to him seriously and i'm hoping he can deal with things and move on. but i'm not sure i know what to do if he doesn't. i can't stay in a relationship like this - but it's not only him - but he is the one that has been primary in the relationship. i have no doubt that i will stay very close with him wife (who's position i don't envy at all b/c i might have killed him by now) and kids.

but at this point in time there is no M/s - we do keep a bit of the D/lg relationship as it is very strong but i feel like it's the part that he really needs right now. i just can't handle being there only to listen to his problems - he's an emotional vampire right now and it's so tiring and draining. i can't imagine if i was his wife.

well ya know... i'm not sure... i know it will end - in some way - because i want to get married and have kids... but right now - and well i'm scared he's going to wreck everything - destroy anything that we still have....

 

[littlegirlslut]

Poly Angst: Advice Please?

I've dual posted (not sure where it belongs can a mod help please?)

So i'm currently living about 5 hours away from the couple i'm involved with. yes i know so far not so bdsm. well it is, it's a M/s relationship although this waxes and wanes. right now He is going through some horrible shit with His past - i don't understand it - mainly because i'm younger and have been dealing with shit my entire life and my family did a pretty good job of getting me help when i needed it. i also have tried to do what i've needed to adjust and deal when necessary. not saying i don't have tons of crap to go through and i'm still being dealt some new cards.

we were hoping this would be a lifetime kind of thing but he broke the news to me that he wants no more children to be responsible for - which honestly i don't know if i could have had kids with him. he's a great father - but i don't know if that's because he wants to be or because he feels he *has* to be.

anyway - i don't know how to help him get through most of this because most of it infuriates me. he blames the way he acts now on things that happened more than 2 and 3 decades ago. but he can't get closure and therefore can't get over it. he is truly a wonderful man or i wouldn't be involved. but he's so self involved right now that - i have conversations with myself. i've stopped emailing him and drastically lowered my expectations. i basically just don't talk to him seriously and i'm hoping he can deal with things and move on. but i'm not sure i know what to do if he doesn't. i can't stay in a relationship like this - but it's not only him - but he is the one that has been primary in the relationship. i have no doubt that i will stay very close with him wife (who's position i don't envy at all b/c i might have killed him by now) and kids.

but at this point in time there is no M/s - we do keep a bit of the D/lg relationship as it is very strong but i feel like it's the part that he really needs right now. i just can't handle being there only to listen to his problems - he's an emotional vampire right now and it's so tiring and draining. i can't imagine if i was his wife.

well ya know... i'm not sure... i know it will end - in some way - because i want to get married and have kids... but right now - and well i'm scared he's going to wreck everything - destroy anything that we still have....

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Unfortunately, we (meaning joe or jane average lay person) can't "fix" mental and emotional problems in others. The best we can do is support and assist them while _they_ fix the problem in themselves. This can be done through mental/emotional/spiritual counselling with a psychologist, or minister/spiritual counsellor, a psychiatrist, or through counselling and proper medication (if there is a chemical imbalance in the brain). In otherwords, professional help.

You are in a difficult place, littlegirlslut, and I wish I could do more to help beyond offering words of encouragement. I'll certainly not slam on your Master/Dominant. It may be that right now, the best thing you can do to help him is to listen when he needs to vent, and to support and help and encourage his wife.

I understand about having unresolved issues. I was estranged from my father for several years. He passed away from a massive stroke before we were able to resolve all of the issues between us. I still feel _some_ guilt over the estrangement, but it isn't crippling any more. It took time, a long time, but I was, eventually, able to come to terms with that, to accept what issues were _mine_, and to deal with those issues.

While I don't know what the future holds for you, I do think that in the end you will want to end this relationship because you are looking for things that you can not get (children, marriage) with him. Ending it now may leave a bad taste in your mouth, ending it later may leave you feeling "why did I wait so long?" On the flip side, you may stick it out with him, he may resolve his issues, and you find that your needs and desires have changed and this does turn out to be a "lifetime" thing.

Only you can make the decision to stay or go, and no matter what you decide to do, there will always be the "what if's" regarding the path you did not follow. Do not let the "what if's" take control, they can paralyze you into indecision. LISTEN to your inner voice, be true to your own heart. In the end, it is yourself that you have to face in the mirror, day in, day out. Your life, your conscience, your heart.

Best of luck to you, and to your Master and his family. I hope that he finds the help he needs, finds the path to resolution and peace in his own heart, and that all of you are able to find the best solutions for your situation.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Sounds to me like it is time you left the relationship. I wouldn't be worrying about how his wife is handling his issues at the moment....that is their business and it might well be she has no problem handling it at all as these things are all part of being in a committed relationship. I know from our own experience, there are times when one or the other has issues that seem to take over everything else (though the D/s and SM always remains in place), and the way we handle it is by supporting the other and each other through it, standing by each other, understanding how the issue impacts on the one it does and empathising and just being there to listen or whatever is required....and remaining there and putting our own needs aside no matter how many times the issue raises its ugly head.

It sounds from your post (and admittedly it is difficult to convey exactly how you feel here) as if this is not a relationship which has a future as you want marriage and children, and you need more attention for you. There is nothing wrong with that, but don't expect him to lay aside what seems to be very real and big issues in his own life for you, especially when you are in a LDR and don't spend each day together, don't share a life 100%, and he has a wife who is his life partner and there beside him, part of his past, present, and future. Don't compare your own experiences with issues with his and expect he should handle his the same as it may well be his are 1,000 times bigger than anything you have ever encountered, not to mention he is human and an individual and is not going to experience or cope the same as you. If you are not happy and you plan to move on anyway, it is always going to be in your mind and make difficulties for you and the relationship. Why not just move on and find that which you really want instead of stay where you are obviously not happy, frustrated, and not having your needs met?

Catalina

 

[O'Mac]

My recommendation would be to walk away. Yes, you can still be friends and there is nothing wrong in just doing the "friendship" thing, but it sounds to me like he is simply more interested in his home life at the moment, and that attitude could last indefinitely. And it also sounds like you're unhappy with the latest developments in his life. To me it sounds like you're comparing the negatives in your life with his, in fact you made this quite clear in the first paragraph, and you've also mentioned that if you were his wife you would have killed him by now. I know you're speaking metaphorically, but again, there is an indication that you know his wife may not be as happy as she should be - or even that you yourself would rather be his alone.

I'm not going to dance around the subject so here's my take. I've been in a ploy (sorta) relationship before. And yes I loved the person I was with, but after a while things just stopped working between us. In my opinion Poly relationships look good on the outside where you get to see all the positives, but when you're in one yourself, they can be more frustrating then you ever thought possible. I agree with Cat, in that moving on would be the best option for the reasons she described.

 

[Etoile]

Am I right that the question is more how to deal with a lover who is an emotional vampire, rather than actually about poly issues? I just want to make sure I'm understanding the question.

 

[Quint]

...........

 

[littlegirlslut]

Thank you all for your thoughts and opinions - and advice. It's really thought provoking.

And yes Etoile you were correct - it's not a BDSM relationship problem.

 

[littlegirlslut]

It sounds from your post (and admittedly it is difficult to convey exactly how you feel here) as if this is not a relationship which has a future as you want marriage and children, and you need more attention for you.....

If you are not happy and you plan to move on anyway, it is always going to be in your mind and make difficulties for you and the relationship. Why not just move on and find that which you really want instead of stay where you are obviously not happy, frustrated, and not having your needs met?
Catalina

Because I love Him and his wife and when it's good it's really good?!

 

[Etoile]

And yes Etoile you were correct - it's not a BDSM relationship problem.

Actually, I think it is related to BDSM, because you're wondering how to handle the issue from your position as a submissive. But it doesn't quite seem to be a question about poly, which was what I was thinking from the title it would be. I just wanted to make sure I understood the question...not that I'm sure I have an answer.