poll: why do women date assholes?

[silverwhisper]

in the isolated blurts thread, phoenix posed what i think is an interesting question in post #6576:

phoenix quoth
why does it seem that it takes women 10-20 years to stop dating assholes and appreciate a real man?

i was gonna make this a proper poll w/ options & stuff but realized that there are so many possible answers i don't have the room. i know what my answer is, but what is/are your(s)?

ed

p.s.: as always, my answers later, yadda yadda yadda...

 

[sexualbeing]

i think it's because when you frist meet the guy he's such a sweetheart but after awhile he shows his true colors but by then we are so into them we dont jknow how to let go, were hoping that we will get the charming side of him back again.

 

[EJFan]

there ARE a lot of ways to approach this and a lot of possible answers. i don't even know where to begin.

generally, i think it's a stereotype to an extent (not really the right word, but you know what i mean). what it REALLY is is women dating men... and often sticking with them too long... who are entirely wrong for them. so it boils down to women working on an instinct other than objective thought. they're following some inner emotion (as women are inclined to do) that guides them blindly.

 

[Guest]

 

[cinnamonstick]

I'm trying to figure out why men date whiny needy women. Many men say they want an independent self sufficent woman but end up with one that they need to rescue.

 

[silverwhisper]

that's easy: some men like to feel needed. needy women allow that itch to be scratched very often. :>

ed

 

[EJFan]

I'm trying to figure out why men date whiny needy women. Many men say they want an independent self sufficent woman but end up with one that they need to rescue.

there are plenty of women who look for men that need to be rescued (or changed) as well. you make a great point and it's probably behind a lot of failed relationships... people being unwilling or unable to be honest to AND about themselves.

 

[Raidho]

In my case, it had to do with repeating patterns.

I have dated several "together" men who appear very much in control. Under the surface, they were very much out of control in their own lives, so they took control of other people. And I've found the less someone has control of, the more they exert control of what little they do control.

Not to get all Freudian, but that's my dad in a nutshell. I was raised thinking women were inferior to men, that men had control, etc. I still see my mother act the same way, even now.

I was young, and inexperienced, and had trouble making decisions, and it was easy to fall into patterns where other people could make them for me. "Badness" was a secondary characteristic that just came with the package, so I tolerated it.

Until I had one of those grand stand epiphanies where I realized that my whole life might pass me by, and I'd have remained a miserable person who had learned NO accountability, and could only blame other people for the way my life went.

Once I realized the only person I could really blame was myself for giving up such power, things began to change. But it was a long journey from the first asshole to the last. And it's still a journey, trying to find balance between a true mistake or miscommunication and a real asshole.

Now I find myself harsh and unforgiving when I feel like I'm being disrespected, or emotionally manipulated, but that's a tangent for another poll.

 

[wally2450]

I have always thought a root cause was self-esteem issues stemming from any number of reasons, the first of which is inheriting our parents imperfections. Others could be more serious like abuse in its many forms to being able/not able to handle the financial change or being alone until you find someone else. I have had my share of lonliness and still do but I prefer that unless I could have a healthy relationship with both partners making an effort to make and keep it that way.

 

[wally2450]

In my case, it had to do with repeating patterns.

I have dated several "together" men who appear very much in control. Under the surface, they were very much out of control in their own lives, so they took control of other people. And I've found the less someone has control of, the more they exert control of what little they do control.

Not to get all Freudian, but that's my dad in a nutshell. I was raised thinking women were inferior to men, that men had control, etc. I still see my mother act the same way, even now.

I was young, and inexperienced, and had trouble making decisions, and it was easy to fall into patterns where other people could make them for me. "Badness" was a secondary characteristic that just came with the package, so I tolerated it.

Until I had one of those grand stand epiphanies where I realized that my whole life might pass me by, and I'd have remained a miserable person who had learned NO accountability, and could only blame other people for the way my life went.

Once I realized the only person I could really blame was myself for giving up such power, things began to change. But it was a long journey from the first asshole to the last. And it's still a journey, trying to find balance between a true mistake or miscommunication and a real asshole.

Now I find myself harsh and unforgiving when I feel like I'm being disrespected, or emotionally manipulated, but that's a tangent for another poll.

I don't know if counseling helped you to that conclusion, but the above is true genius!

 

[TBKahuna123]

Easy, assholes are confident about being assholes. Nice guys usually aren't confident about being nice. Confidence attracts women.

It really is that simple.

 

[Guest]

 

[Eilan]

Nice guys usually aren't confident about being nice. Confidence attracts women.

Not to mention that the so-called nice guys aren't necessarily nice guys.

Doormat does not equal nice.
Whiny does not equal nice.
Desperate does not equal nice.

Truly nice or great guys don't need to tell others they're nice or great--it's something that people just pick up on.

TBK, I was wondering what had happened to you!

 

[rip_1_4_u]

in the isolated blurts thread, phoenix posed what i think is an interesting question in post #6576:

i was gonna make this a proper poll w/ options & stuff but realized that there are so many possible answers i don't have the room. i know what my answer is, but what is/are your(s)?
ed
p.s.: as always, my answers later, yadda yadda yadda...

I agree with others that it's complicated....about why women date assholes.. in my case I had no self-esteem after being told by my father that I was stupid, wouldn't amount to anything, was crazy etc..so I picked someone who I thought was my friend to marry...unfortunately he had a lot of bravado in public, but was a very scared little boy in private..a very angry person in private and later in public..I left early on..but it was hard to leave when you love someone and when they aren't awful all the time...so I went back and suffered until I decided it was better to be alone then be with someone who acted like an asshole.

My next major relationship was with someone who again acted confident in public, but was very needy in private...I must have needed to take care of someone...but eventually I got tired of it and wanted finally some care taking for myself...again, my partner acted out in anger at home and eventually everywhere else as well...I found it very hard to leave even though it was over...

I hope I've finally learned that I can pick someone who is loving and caring, instead of picking someone needy and angry. I dated someone who wasn't angry (yippee) but even though they weren't angry, they weren't that loving a person, either. Even better, even though I cared about them, and they cared about me, I realized I wasn't getting enough of what I needed, and I broke up with them (they later admitted that they hadn't made enough time for a relationship with someone). I'm now dating someone who (so far) isn't angry, and seems to be loving and caring...but I'm watching and listening to be sure that both of our needs are met, not just one of ours...since they usually pick needy and angry people too!

 

[bisexplicit]

Because they never act like assholes at first.

And once you're in a relationship, it's difficult to end it.

 

[Elenia26]

I can tell you quite clearly I have never dated an asshole. I had some sexual relations with a guy who was kind of an idiot but even he was never an asshole.

Not all women fall for their traps. I'm rather proud that I was always more sensible than that.

 

[bisexplicit]

Not all women fall for their traps. I'm rather proud that I was always more sensible than that.

x 10

 

[Munachi]

hm... well, i am still not all that convinced that women are that different from men in that aspect. it seems, like men are just as good in falling for those women that are wrong for them. maybe some aren't. just as some women aren't.

thinking back, i would say my first boyfriend was something of an asshole. now, why did I date him? obviously i didn't know he was an asshole when i first met him. actually he was quite nice. he was also about the first guy that showed interest in me (and being a bit of an outsider, considered weird by most, it was a new experience to have a guy interested in me)... okay, yes there were other guys who were interested before, "nice" guys, but they were to nice to ever make a move. and being shy myself, it just meant that nothing ever happened. anyway, so as others said above, you don't always know. and when i should have started realizing - well, i think when you are young you often lack the experience to really realize what is good or bad for you. that's why you make experiences. so at some point you know... and all that...

actually i was going to write a long analysis of myself and all, but i am just now realizing i can't really be bothered...

so instead just this:

each time i see a post asking why women only date assholes, or why they never like the nice guys, i wonder if what the person posting the question really wants to ask isn't "why can't i get laid?"

 

[Eilan]

each time i see a post asking why women only date assholes, or why they never like the nice guys, i wonder if what the person posting the question really wants to ask isn't "why can't i get laid?"

DingDingDingDingDing!

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!

 

[silverwhisper]

um...sorry guys, but i'm happily married. :>

ed

 

[tbs230]

All men have asshole tendancies...just like all women have their moments. I think the proper question is why do guys act like assholes to the women they are with and why do women put up with it. I mean, what woman would actually want an asshole, at least for more than a few weeks? Men sometimes treat women like some comfortable piece of furniture that they just can't let go of, and some women just can't seem to let go of men who they have become comfortable with. It's a vicious cycle; by the time all of everyone's issues have come out in the open, we feel that we've put so much into it, why change it now? Well, I can honestly say I have never dated an asshole, but a couple of guys I've dated acted like assholes. Did I make the difference clear?

 

[Eilan]

um...sorry guys, but i'm happily married. :>

ed

You didn't do nearly enough whining for this thread to be about you.

 

[silverwhisper]

sorry, eilan: my "it's all about me"-fu is on the fritz during the weekend. :>

i'll be honest: when i was still single, it was a question that weighed on my mind a lot. it took me a long time to understand that maybe the reason women tend to wind up w/ jerks more often than nice guys is b/c it's only the jerks who ask 'em out: the "nice guys" are too busy being shy/doormats/whatever. that, and since i wound up on the receiving end of a whole lot more "i think of you as a brother" speeches than i care to remember, i tended to learn a lot that a more self-confident person would have put to good use.

nowadays it bothers me b/c i know women so ready to give their hearts to someone and unfortunately, i think their patience gives out before they find candidates who are worthy of the gift that represents.

meh.

ed

 

[Eilan]

sorry, eilan: my "it's all about me"-fu is on the fritz during the weekend.

I usually have that covered. Sorry.

 

[silverwhisper]

bad hausfrau! bad bad bad!

[wags finger disapprovingly]



ed