Politically incorrect jokes

:D Pops, I'm going to print that pic, carry it in my wallet and tell people you are my fiance.

Perdita :kiss:
 
Hehe

perdita said:
:D Pops, I'm going to print that pic, carry it in my wallet and tell people you are my fiance.

Perdita :kiss:

Surely not with the bloody patch and parrot... umm I mean carrot:D :rose: Bless
 
Sub Joe said:
No wonder you have a Spike quote, mate. He'd have pissed himself at that one. (As I did)

I met him twice in real life mate, New Theatre Oxford, he had a lasting effect:)
 
I love this thread and I have another joke. Please don't be upset with with me about this. It is poloticaly incorrect and tasteless and a bit sick but I thought it was friggin funny.


The McCartney kids are at the family home anxiously awaiting news of their mother.
Paul emerges from his wife's bedroom. "Kid's......there's good news and bad news."
"The bad news is your mother's strength and will to live has been sucked away by her awful disease and she died a few moments ago"
"The good news is.... It's steak and chips for dinner!"
 
Guy goes to the doctor for his test results.

Doc says, "Umm... I've got some bad news and some really awful news Mr Jones... which do you want first?"

"Bloody hell doc... the bad news I suppose," Guy replies.

"You've only got 48 hrs to live," The doctor stammers nervously.

"Fuck me!... what the hell's the awful news then?" Bloke asks.

"I should have told you yesterday."
 
:D Pops.

How about this one?

A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide.
One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.
"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."
"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"
"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish"
A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex."
"I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."
The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."
"Yeah, but she's got phyrrea; and you know how I love to fish..."
Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated the guide comments, "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that."
"It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish
 
Shock Chick said:
:D Pops.

How about this one?

A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide.
One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.
"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."
"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"
"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish"
A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex."
"I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."
The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."
"Yeah, but she's got phyrrea; and you know how I love to fish..."
Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated the guide comments, "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that."
"It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish




:D (Must dash off, I shall retaliate later)
 
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"
 
Guy walks into a fancy dress party with a biscuit tin on his cock.

"What are you supposed to be?" Asks the hostess.

"Fucking Crackers".
 
Shock Chick said:
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"

PS: Silly sod:D April bloody fool.

PPS: Can I have a suck on those sometime, pretty please.... with cherries on:D :devil: :rose:
 
pop_54 said:
PS: Silly sod:D April bloody fool.

PPS: Can I have a suck on those sometime, pretty please.... with cherries on:D :devil: :rose:

Yep, if you come here right now, Pop, you can get at them easily.

Her clothes kind of came off during the bitch fight, and the way I'm sat on her right now, anyone can easily get to her. :devil:

Lou :heart:
 
A guy goes to a costume party with socks stuck to his shirt.

"What are you supposed to be?" asked the host.

"Static cling."
 
Woman goes to a costume party with nothing on but a light bulb between her legs.

"What are you?" Asks a friend.

"A bright c**t"
 
What's the difference between a large horny lady and a slim plain-Jane spinster.


One's trying to Diet, the other's dying to try it.
 
What the difference between a hormone and a vitamin?

You can't make a vitamin.

Hey RW this ones for you..........:D
 
What's the difference between a Pit Bull terrier and a woman with PMT.

The collar.
 
Now the jokes are really getting back to Junior High

What's the difference between a rooster and a whore?

One says: cockadoodledoo
the other says: anycockledoo


________________________________________________

Ninety Percent of Everything is Crap - Sturgeon's Law

Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity - Hanlon's (Heinlein's?) Law



Death by Fucking and other rants
 
Back for one last one, couldn't resist it. This one was told to me by a disabled guy, I just added a bit:D Well several pages.

I was going to enter it to Earth day, but thought it might go down like a lead submarine there.




Young American guy comes to England, he’s taken in by a family, at first as a lodger, but they become very close with him and wind up treating him like a son… he has his own room… complete run of the house… friends to stay if he wants, not that he knew many people.

The daughter of the family, just 21, is crippled and in a wheelchair, she lost her legs in a nasty accident a few years previously… she doesn’t let it get her down though and always looks on the bright side of life.

The girl is not unattractive she’s quite pretty in fact, and she has some very attractive features… not least a lovely huge pair of knockers, a brace of 44's if ever I saw such… well wheeling herself about all day and that had a tendency to build upper body strength.

Anyway….. The young yank becomes very attached to the daughter, and increasingly attracted to her in a sexual way, as well as emotional. But he resists any temptation to try his luck with said daughter, feeling that it would be a betrayal of his hosts who have treated him so well, he also feels like a brother to her, the brother she never had sort of thing.

Many a happy hour is spent with the young lad wheeling his adopted sister about in her wheelchair, they laugh, they joke and giggle, they are ecstatically happy at times, but both begin to feel this increasing sexual, as well as emotional, attraction to each other.

One afternoon down by the river bank, the birds are singing, it’s warm and sunny, the young girl in her wheelchair… Bob the young lad sitting alongside her on the grass, both happy and contented… well maybe not quite contented, but happy all the same.

Suddenly the girl speaks in a whisper, a nervous sort of whisper at that.

“Bob… have you ever thought of me as a woman… you know a female with female needs and desires… could you feel that way about me Bob?” She pensively asks.

He studies her sweet smiling young face for a minute before replying.

“Well… yes I have, I didn’t want to feel that way about you… but to be honest Clair, I love you… and I would do anything for you,” He mumbles in reply... reaching up and squeezing her hand tenderly as he speaks.

The girl smiles sweetly, “Do you want to have sex with me Bob? … I can do it you know… like sex that is… just because I have no legs doesn’t mean I have no sex organs or sexual feelings,” She says in a pleading kind of tone.

“Hell Clair… No!…Surely not, we couldn’t, we mustn’t… hell… your like a sister to me darling Clair,” The surprised lad stammers uncertainly.

“Bob I love you like a brother… but I also love you as a man… Bob I need it, I need it badly, I haven’t had sex for ages… Darling Bob I want you, I want you to have me… love me… hell man, fuck me… fuck me now, here and now,” The girl pleads.

Young Bob thinks for a while before replying, how can he get out of this without offending Clair… does he want to get out of it… On one hand he adores the girl, loves her like a sister… but he also has sexual desires for her, desires for a female that is, any female… Clair’s not the only one who’s gone short on real nooky, It had been a while since Bob last sampled the delights of a willing young woman’s body… he was a little fed up with doing the five finger shuffle all the time.

“Come on Bob… come on do it, I need it… so do you need it, I can tell darling… come on man fuck me, fuck me like a whore… use me, I’m yours,” Young Clair whispers, her tone of voice has taken on an aroused kind of gruffness.

“Oh God Clair I want you… I need you… please darling… no Clair… I can’t.”

“Yes man do it, do it now, here and now… fuck me… please fuck me,” She all but screams out a desperate reply.

“Ok!… Ok, we’ll do it Clair… shall I lift you out of the chair and lay you on the ground?” Bob mumbles nervously.

He wants this badly… but fears he’s betraying the trust of his friends… fears for the consequences should Clair’s family find out about his evil wrong doing.

“No darling Bob… not on the ground, I can’t do it like that, I roll about from side to side too much with just stumps for legs… no balance you see darling you’d keep slipping out… you’ll have to do me propped up somewhere… but where I wonder?” Clair looks around the locale.

“There!… Over there… that tree with a fork near the base, wheel me over there, lift me into the tree and wedge my arse in the fork… I’ll be just at the right height… you can stand in front of me and fuck me for as long as you want darling,” She continues after half a minute of surveying the riverbank.

Bob agrees… he quickly pushes the wheelchair to the forked tree and stops alongside… Clair wriggling and mumbling pulls her skirt up and wrenches her love juice soaked panties off of her stumps, chucking them to one side… the panties that is… not the stumps.

With one swift move Bob wraps his arms round the girl and lifts her from the chair, easing her in between the forked branches, rocking her gently from side to side to wedge her arse firmly in the V… Clair finishes the move by reaching back and wrapping an arm round each branch to support her upper-half… well her only half actually.

Bob studies the girl for a few seconds as he wrenches his belt apart and unzips his jeans… her lovely big tits protruding though the flimsy blouse where Clair’s chest is thrust forward as a reaction of her arms being slightly behind her body line… Clair’s pale scar knotted stumps spread as wide as the young girl could force them… not at all unattractive though, not with the huge hairy cunt bulge and half open red meaty lips displayed in all their glory in front of him.

“Come on Bob hurry up… I’m desperate darling, so desperate… God I love you,” Clair mumbles, her eyes wide open, her whole torso quivering with excitement while watching his rock hard tool twang from his underpants like the release of a coiled spring as he wrenches his underwear down over his arse cheeks and hips.

“Christ you’re beautiful Clair… hell I’m going to feel shit about this afterwards… but I’ve got to have you,” Bob whispers in his croaky aroused voice.

“Get my tits out first Bob… go on get them out… suck them, feel them, love them… go on darling they’re all yours,” Clair urges excitedly while studying his steel hard pleasure pole, and pursing her lips sensually.

Bob fumbles with her blouse buttons… one, two, three, they come unfastened… he pauses and pulls her blouse open more with each button released… her massive firm boobs come into view a little more each time… straining at the leash of her tight fitting bra… a miracle of modern science that the under garment holds them in place at all without ripping under the stress.

“Hells fucking bells Clair, you’ve got the biggest tits I’ve ever seen,” He whispers as he unfastens button number four with just one to go.

“Rip the last one open darling Bob, and my bra… go on tear my clothes off… God yes, go on pretend you’re raping me… go on,” Clair mutters, barely coherent in her highly charged state.

“No Clair, no… I cannot, please don’t make me I might hurt you… God that would be so gross” The stunned Bob replies.

“Shit Bob… do it man, do it… I don’t mind being hurt, hurt me if you want to Bob,” Clair whimpers in a weak pleading tone.

“Oh God forgive me,” Bob mumbles as he takes half a pace back and snatches hard with an outward motion on both lapels of her blouse… there’s a tearing sound, the one remaining button pings off and flies a good three yards away landing just short of the waters edge… a small bounce and the button plops into the water… which fascinates Bob.

“Oh yes… now my bra Bob… tear it, go on rip it, it’s an old one anyway it doesn’t matter… go on pretend you’re raping a helpless young girl… men like doing that sort of thing, I know they do,” She whispers.

The young guy forces his fingers into the cups of the bra… God her tits are solid… hardly room for two fingers in the garment with her huge firm lobes filling each cup to the brim and beyond… another sharp snatch with both hands, the bra stretches out away from her tits but refuses to tear… Clair grunts loudly and closes her eyes with the shock of Bob’s assault and the sharp twinge of pain as the straps dig deep into her flesh at the back and shoulders… she has to brace herself by gripping harder with her arms round the branches to prevent herself falling from the tree.

“Again, go on again… rip it… rip the fucking thing off of me,” She urges excitedly.

The lad forces his hands into the now stretched bra… still little room inside with her oversized mam’s taking most of the available space… he sees his knuckles squeezing into her white flesh… her lovely upright tits yield just enough to allow him
a good firm grip on the bra cups… he pulls firmly but slowly, no snatch this time, suddenly there’s a ripping sound… then with a quick jerk he tears the cups apart separating them between her boobs… Clair cries out in pleasure and pain… her massive tits spring out into the open, almost poking his eyes out… they bounce several times before settling… this fascinates Bob.

“Clair you are something else love… you’re a Goddess… my Lord alive I’ve never seen a pair like those in my life before,” Bob stammers in aw of her perfectly formed but gargantuan erect dark pink nipples… they are huge… like someone had stuck a pair of field mushrooms upside down on her tits.

Bob dives his head forward and buries his face between Clair’s marvellous huge boobs… it’s a struggle… they’re bloody firm and he has to push hard to get his head right in… he loses track of his senses… especially sight and hearing… mumbling incoherently he reaches up each side and begins to massage her beautiful lobes with both hands… almost crushing his own head in the process.

Clair is out of it… floating around the universe with the fairies… muttering words of love, and obscenities, all in one breath… her eyes are closed, her head swaying gently from side to side as she savours the sweet sensations of her lovers touch… well grope I should say.

Fighting for breath Bob pulls his head back out of the chasm… he dives forward again and takes a mouthful of her left nipple… she moans loudly… and what a mouthful.

‘Hell it feels like a guys prick in my mouth it’s that big and hard,’ Bob muses as he sucks away merrily, the huge nipple filling his mouth… ‘Not that I’d know of course,’ He adds as an afterthought to reassure himself about his sexuality.

Bob toys with Clair’s tits for a while… massaging them… sucking and licking at them… squeezing them hard and pulling them about as he studies the beautiful objects of his desire… rubbing his face against the huge erect nipples… her whole chest becoming soaking wet with his drooling saliva.

Suddenly Clair jerks out of her trance, “Fuck me now Bob… go on stick that lovely big prick up my cunt hole and fuck me with it… use me for your pleasure… I love you,” She urges in a gruff aroused tone.

“Oh yes… I’m going to fuck you, you beautiful creature,” He replies moving back a little and abandoning her shining wet tits.

He moves between her stumps and grabs a hold of her waist with one hand… stooping slightly he grabs his aching hard manhood near the base just above his generously proportioned arousal tingling balls… aiming his throbbing purple hood into Clair’s warm soaking wet cunt lips he looks down and watches his above average mating mamba forcing it’s way inside the girl… slowly and gently his iron hard shaft slides oh so easily into her willing receptive hole.

“Oh God… you’re so big… so big and hard… oh yes, fuck me, fuck me… fuck my guts out, fuck me all night,” Clair whispers as she feels the full length of Bob’s raging hard fat weapon enter her… sliding into her huge wet chamber right up to his bollocks… but oh so slowly… it seems to be sliding in forever.

“Yess… Oh yes…” She mumbles with the feel of his well-hung weapon applying pressure to her cervix as it bottoms out at last.

“God alive Clair… you’re a big girl aren’t you,” Bob urges while beginning to thrust his cock in and out of her with a gentle rhythmic motion.

He’s grasped her hips with both hands now, and is leaning back slightly… looking down watching his prick fucking into the young girl’s hot orifice… Savouring the sensations… the sounds of her dribbling wet cunt hole slurping and squelching with each full length thrust into her… and each long withdrawal to the pinnacle, before plunging in again… the sweet aroma of young female sexual arousal pervades the atmosphere around them, filling his nostrils… exciting him more.

“God you’re so big and so fucking wet,” He growls excitedly as he speeds up his thrusting assault into her young receptive cunt hole.

“Yes darling Bob… I am aren’t I… big and loose, do you love me big and loose Bob?… I haven’t always been a cripple have I… I’ve always been a hot bitch though… I’m your hot bitch now Bob,” She replies in an equally arousal excited growl.

“Oh I love you like it Clair… I want to fuck you all day and all night… Oh God, yes,” He mumbles, feeling his finale beginning to approach all too soon, he’s lost it though, no control left… this affair is so damn wrong, and yet so damn horny.

Clair is high… she’s muttering obscenities to Bob as he begins to ram his prick up her harder and harder… faster and faster he pounds it into her, causing her to jerk about in her perch, she needs hold on tightly to the branches to avoid disaster.

“Oh my God… harder, do it harder… come on you bastard make me feel it, make me cum… fuck me like a whore… yes… go on, hurt me, split me, make me bleed… yes you fucking filthy bastard ram it up me harder… fuck me until I can’t take any more,” She’s shouting out in ecstasy, her eyes closed, her head rocking from side to side violently.

Clair is jerking wildly back and forth in her perch with the hard thrusts of Bob’s fat cock in and out of her… the sound of his belly slapping against hers, and Clair’s loud grunts where his wild assault is winding her with each violent thrust causes all the birds in the surrounding trees to take flight in alarm.

“Oh Christ… I’ve got to cum, I must pull out… I’ve got to cum I can’t hold it,” Bob wails, his balls tightening… tingling sensations pervading his hard organ… his brain in turmoil.

“No!… let it go up me… fill me with spunk, cream me right up… I can’t get pregnant, the accident, it sterilised me as well… spunk me up,” Clair screams out in panic… fearing Bob will waste the best part.

“You filthy fucking slut whore,” He screams out as his balls and cock begin to pulse violently.

He feels the surge of pure unadulterated pleasure and high sensation as the first fat blobs of cream shoot along his tube… his cock swells and then tightens with the sensation… another surge… then another… as his balls pump their contents along his dick and into young Clair’s willing receptacle.

Clair cries out as she feels the first powerful jerk of his prick harder up her cunt and the first spurt of cream ejecting from his fat purple helmet deep inside her… another cry of ecstasy as she feels him bury his cock deep into her a second time to release more of his massive pent up load… the warm wet sensation of his hot spunk pumping into her, hitting her cervix and insides… filling her cunt with the prized fluid.

Bob it seems really did need this, it takes several big thrusts to empty the contents of his bollocks into Clair in powerful spurts… he can feel her stumps twitching and gripping his waist, an instinctive natural reaction as she tries to wrap her legs round him… he finally collapses against the young girl panting like a dog… sweat pouring from him… his cock buried deep inside her.

She feels strange… she tingles all over… she feels hot… she feels faint… her belly twitches quite violently… her cunt tightens around Bob’s now empty and motionless weapon… she screams out as she has the most massive orgasm she’s ever experienced… bloody near falls out of the tree… Bob can feel a trickle of her hot ejaculated honeydew dripping off of his balls and running down his leg.

Cock interest gone… balls empty and satisfied… Bob has a reality check, “Oh hell… Clair, darling Clair… Oh, God I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have done that, I shouldn’t have given in to temptation like that… how can you ever forgive me I’ve ruined our friendship for 15 minutes of lust,” He mumbles apologetically as they begin to recover a little composure... his rapidly softening tool slides out of Clair’s soaking wet orifice of its own accord and hangs limply between his legs.

“Bob… darling Bob… it’s no problem lover, I was fucking desperate for it… I’ve wanted your cock inside me since the day I set eyes on you… I love you Bob, I hope we can do it again sometime soon,” She replies reassuringly.

No good Bob is distraught… he feels a right bastard… he’s betrayed the whole families trust in his eyes… he gently eases Clair from the tree, it’s a bit of a struggle, she’s well wedged in the fork, but after several minutes of rocking her about and pulling hard, she plops out of the V.

Bob assists Clair to regain her knickers from the grass and dress herself… then still feeling as guilty as hell he wheels her homeward. Little is said between them… Bob is too embarrassed, Clair is knackered and satisfied, she nods off in her chair in the warm sunshine as her lover pushes her along.

On reaching home Bob wheels Clair to her little flat at the back of the house… she’s hot and sweaty and needs to shower… Bob goes to the bathroom and freshens up… then into the sitting room to be confronted by Clair’s parents, Jack & Mary.

“Hi Bob… Nice walk with Clair then?” Mary asks.

“Umm… yes Mary… umm we went down by the river,” He replies.

“Ah yes, the river… Clair loves it by the river doesn’t she,” Jack chips in with a smile.

Bob suddenly cracks, he can take the guilt and embarrassment no longer, and he wants to confess before Clair gets out of the shower so as not to embarrass her too much, “Jack… Mary… I have something to tell you… please don’t be too mad with me, I love Clair and will marry her if need be,” He stammers.

“What… what’s this all about my boy,” Jack interrupts putting an arm on Bob’s shoulder.

“I’ve had sex with Clair… She said she wanted it, but I should have said no… God you’ve treated me like a son and look how I’ve repaid you,” Bob whispers nervously.

“Hey… Bob, that’s Ok… no problem, we don’t mind… Clair’s a woman not a kid,” Mary replies quietly and reassuringly.

“But you don’t understand… I shouldn’t have done it… Clair’s disabled, I took advantage.”

“Whoa son… whoa… it’s really not a problem… Clair chooses her lovers… not us, we’re so glad it’s you she’s chosen,” Jack chips in smiling reassuringly.

“But… but it’s the way I did it… not here in her bed, with love and tenderness… I wedged her in a fucking tree and had her like a whore… God I’m disgusting,” Bob wails head in hands.

“But you do love her Bob… you’ve proved it,” Jack replies.

“Proved it,” Mary echoes.

“Oh God why can’t you understand… how could you think I love her… I wedged her in a tree… I ripped her blouse off and abused her breasts like they were no more than toys to be played with… I forced my organ into her and did her like she were no more than a piece of meat,” Bob wails in anguish.

“But Bob… that’s fine… that’s the way Clair likes it… what matters is you proved you love her,” Mary whispers, she too placing a hand on the lads shoulder.

“Proved it Bob… proved you love her,” Jack echoes.

“Oh my God give me strength!… How does that prove I love her?” Bob cries out exasperatedly.

“ Bob!!… The bastards usually leave her in the tree!”



pops:devil: :D
 
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