Politically incorrect jokes
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fifty5
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Re: Re: Even older than me!!!!
And the kiss was just as good!
f5
Thanks, Lou. You said exactly what this wannabe author wanted to hear.Tatelou said:Hahaha! YES! It most definitely worked for me. It's the way you tell it.
Very funny, with great narration!
Lou
And the kiss was just as good!
f5
Shock Chick
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A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."
The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck."
The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."
The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck."
ABSTRUSE
Cirque du Freak
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A guy walks into a bar looking for a little action. He sits and orders a drink.
After a bit, a beautiful brunette walks in and he thinks "Yeah this is what I'm looking for." She walks right by him and promptly goes to a seat in the back and parks herself next to an old scruffy bum.
"WTF?" he thinks and shrugs it off.
A while later, a gorgeous blonde walks in, same thing happens. She heads back to the old bum and sidles up to him.
Frustrated the man turns to the bartender and says...
"What the hell is going on, I'm a good looking guy, I have a great job, I make good money, but all these hot women pass by me to go sit with that dirty old beggar. What gives?"
The bartender shrugs his shoulders. " I don't know, happens all the time, he comes in, sit's back there with a glass of whiskey and licks his eyebrows."
After a bit, a beautiful brunette walks in and he thinks "Yeah this is what I'm looking for." She walks right by him and promptly goes to a seat in the back and parks herself next to an old scruffy bum.
"WTF?" he thinks and shrugs it off.
A while later, a gorgeous blonde walks in, same thing happens. She heads back to the old bum and sidles up to him.
Frustrated the man turns to the bartender and says...
"What the hell is going on, I'm a good looking guy, I have a great job, I make good money, but all these hot women pass by me to go sit with that dirty old beggar. What gives?"
The bartender shrugs his shoulders. " I don't know, happens all the time, he comes in, sit's back there with a glass of whiskey and licks his eyebrows."
gauchecritic
When there are grey skies
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A bloke's been drinking all night in a pub and the only other drinker is a lobster (obviously lobsters are very quiet). Towards the end of the evening the bloke walks up to the lobster and cowtails him. The bartender, looking on at the lobster unconscious on the floor with his drink spilled and everything asks the bloke "What did you do that for?"
The bloke says "We-ell, he's been giving it that all night."
Gauche
erm... maybe you have to be face to face for that one.
The bloke says "We-ell, he's been giving it that all night."
Gauche
erm... maybe you have to be face to face for that one.
G
Guest
Guest
Gauche, please don't take offense; would you explain a bit? Only cos I got so involved in the the characterization and setting.gauchecritic said:
Perdita
gauchecritic
When there are grey skies
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I hate explaining jokes but in this case it is appropriate.
If you were imitating a lobster (or crab) what would you do? Why you'd make your fingers into pincers and click them together. This is also a once fashionable term for someone who is giving it loads of gob (mouthing off).
If you read it again, when you get to the punchline imitate the action of a lobster* and you may understand. It may not seem funny, but tell it to someone else, face to face and include the action and they will larf and larf.
Gauche
*Under no circumstances should you imitate the action of a tiger unless your not at home abed this Swithin's(?) Day.
Edited to add: God for Harry, England and Saint George.
If you were imitating a lobster (or crab) what would you do? Why you'd make your fingers into pincers and click them together. This is also a once fashionable term for someone who is giving it loads of gob (mouthing off).
If you read it again, when you get to the punchline imitate the action of a lobster* and you may understand. It may not seem funny, but tell it to someone else, face to face and include the action and they will larf and larf.
Gauche
*Under no circumstances should you imitate the action of a tiger unless your not at home abed this Swithin's(?) Day.
Edited to add: God for Harry, England and Saint George.
Last edited:
G
Guest
Guest
Gracias, Gaucho. You tempted me yet again, so I looked up St. Swithin and found:
St Swithins day if it dost rain,
for 40 days 'twill remain.
St Swithins day if thou be fair,
for 40 days 'twill rain nae more.
Also found more on international weather wisdom.
anon, Perdita
St Swithins day if it dost rain,
for 40 days 'twill remain.
St Swithins day if thou be fair,
for 40 days 'twill rain nae more.
Also found more on international weather wisdom.
anon, Perdita
fifty5
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Thanks to Gaucho for reminding me of...
--------------------------------------------------------
So this man goes to the doctor and explains that suddenly, for the last 3 weeks, he's been losing weight.
The doctor thinks for a while, asks a couple of questions, then advises the man to go home, be prepared for bed-rest for the next 20 days or so, but not to worry.
The man was somewhat perplexed, but followed the advice.
The next week was bad. The one after that was worse. The one after that, well, he was just a shell of his former self - almost reduced to a skeleton, wasted right away...
But, right on cue, things came right after that. The guy gained weight rapidly and was soon as healthy as he had ever been.
But he was still confused, so when he was better, he went back to the doctor to ask just what he'd been suffering from.
The answer?
A wet dream on St Swithin's.
(All groan now - 1, 2, 3...)
f5
--------------------------------------------------------
So this man goes to the doctor and explains that suddenly, for the last 3 weeks, he's been losing weight.
The doctor thinks for a while, asks a couple of questions, then advises the man to go home, be prepared for bed-rest for the next 20 days or so, but not to worry.
The man was somewhat perplexed, but followed the advice.
The next week was bad. The one after that was worse. The one after that, well, he was just a shell of his former self - almost reduced to a skeleton, wasted right away...
But, right on cue, things came right after that. The guy gained weight rapidly and was soon as healthy as he had ever been.
But he was still confused, so when he was better, he went back to the doctor to ask just what he'd been suffering from.
The answer?
A wet dream on St Swithin's.
(All groan now - 1, 2, 3...)
f5
fifty5
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His girl had left him for another! The only solace seemed danger and action, so he joined the French Foreign Legion.
Well, the therapy worked. He did start to forget the girl.
But after a while, he relised that he hadn't forgotten about all girls...
So he went to his sergeant and explained his problem: "Sarge, there ain't any women on this station. What's a man supposed to do?"
The sergeant spoke at length about the merits of abstinence, onanism and the life of the mind, but finished up, "and if all else fails, there's always the company camel."
He went away and thought about that - and tried the first three.
But after a while, that wasn't enough, so he went back to his sergeant.
The advice was no different this time - and he still couldn't face the idea of 'the company camel', so he went away to persevere.
Eventually, though, he cracked.
"OK, sarge, what's the routine for the company camel?"
The sergeant reached into a drawer, took out a manuscript book, opened it and pushed it in front of the guy.
"Sign here, then pick up the camel from the Quartermaster. She's all yours for 24 hours."
So he did - picked up the camel and rode off into the desert.
It seemed to him to be a very long time before he rode back into camp. Bitten, scratched, kicked and mauled - and the camel didn't look too happy either.
"What the fuck?" asked the Quartermaster...
He explained about his problem. He explained about his sergeant's advice. He explained - with as little detail as he could - about the apalling experience when he'd tried to fuck the camel.
"You dumb shit!" said the Quartermaster.
"You're supposed to ride the camel to town and go to the brothel!"
f5
Well, the therapy worked. He did start to forget the girl.
But after a while, he relised that he hadn't forgotten about all girls...
So he went to his sergeant and explained his problem: "Sarge, there ain't any women on this station. What's a man supposed to do?"
The sergeant spoke at length about the merits of abstinence, onanism and the life of the mind, but finished up, "and if all else fails, there's always the company camel."
He went away and thought about that - and tried the first three.
But after a while, that wasn't enough, so he went back to his sergeant.
The advice was no different this time - and he still couldn't face the idea of 'the company camel', so he went away to persevere.
Eventually, though, he cracked.
"OK, sarge, what's the routine for the company camel?"
The sergeant reached into a drawer, took out a manuscript book, opened it and pushed it in front of the guy.
"Sign here, then pick up the camel from the Quartermaster. She's all yours for 24 hours."
So he did - picked up the camel and rode off into the desert.
It seemed to him to be a very long time before he rode back into camp. Bitten, scratched, kicked and mauled - and the camel didn't look too happy either.
"What the fuck?" asked the Quartermaster...
He explained about his problem. He explained about his sergeant's advice. He explained - with as little detail as he could - about the apalling experience when he'd tried to fuck the camel.
"You dumb shit!" said the Quartermaster.
"You're supposed to ride the camel to town and go to the brothel!"
f5
ABSTRUSE
Cirque du Freak
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orgasms
ORGASM TYPES
Sex in a boat = Oargasms
Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms
Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms
Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms
Sex with a prostitue = Whoregasms
Sex with an accountant = Boregasms
Sex with cartoon donkeys = Eeyoregasms
Sex while broke = Poorgasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
Sex on a golf course = Foregasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms
Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms
Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms
Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S'moregasms
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorogasms
Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
Sex when you get an award = Honorgasms
Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
Sex that isn't very satisfying = there's the doorgasms
Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
Sex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms
Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
Sex with the host of a horrible t.v. show = Pauly Shoregasms
Sex with a cookie = Oreorgasms
Sex while flying = Soargasms
Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms
Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes =
Velourgasms
Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
Sex with Frankenstein's assistant = Igorgasms
Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
ORGASM TYPES
Sex in a boat = Oargasms
Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms
Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms
Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms
Sex with a prostitue = Whoregasms
Sex with an accountant = Boregasms
Sex with cartoon donkeys = Eeyoregasms
Sex while broke = Poorgasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
Sex on a golf course = Foregasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms
Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms
Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms
Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S'moregasms
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorogasms
Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
Sex when you get an award = Honorgasms
Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
Sex that isn't very satisfying = there's the doorgasms
Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
Sex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms
Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
Sex with the host of a horrible t.v. show = Pauly Shoregasms
Sex with a cookie = Oreorgasms
Sex while flying = Soargasms
Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms
Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes =
Velourgasms
Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
Sex with Frankenstein's assistant = Igorgasms
Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
gauchecritic
When there are grey skies
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Sub Joe said:
I will not be drawn into telling visual jokes. (apart from this one)
What's this?
I don't know either but here comes a herd of them.
Gauche
dirtylover
Literotica Guru
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1 open the fridge
2 take out a banana
3 peel the banana
4 eat the banana
5 put the skin on your head
Ahhhhhhh, you're a skinhead! nu nu, nu nu, nu *laugh and point
2 take out a banana
3 peel the banana
4 eat the banana
5 put the skin on your head
Ahhhhhhh, you're a skinhead! nu nu, nu nu, nu *laugh and point
damppanties
Tinkle, twinkle
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- May 7, 2002
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Q: Why don't men have PMS?
A: What would be the point, they act like that all the time.
Q: What do men and apes have in common?
A: Everything.
Q: Why do men have legs?
A: So their brains don't drag on the ground.
Q: How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?
A: Wave.
A: What would be the point, they act like that all the time.
Q: What do men and apes have in common?
A: Everything.
Q: Why do men have legs?
A: So their brains don't drag on the ground.
Q: How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?
A: Wave.
dirtylover
Literotica Guru
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Yeah? Well, you're a skinhead, so there!
damppanties
Tinkle, twinkle
- Joined
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Q: How are men and irons alike?
A: They leave stains whenever they get too hot.
Q: Why do men have orgasms?
A: So they will know when to stop having sex and fall asleep.
Q: How can you tell if a man is intelligent?
A: You poor, naive thing!
Q: Why do men get paid twice as much to do the same job?
A: The woman gets it right the first time.
Q: How do you confuse a man?
A: You don't have to - they're born that way.
Q: What are the three types of men?
A: The handsome, the caring and the majority.
Q: How are men and batteries different?
A: Batteries have a positive side.
Q. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
A. When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.
Q. What did God say after he created man?
A. "I can do better than this."
Q. Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q. What do you call a man with half a brain?
A. Gifted.
Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Q. Why did God create man?
A. Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Q. What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A. No mind and no business.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.
Q. Men are proof of reincarnation.
A. You can't get that dumb in just one lifetime.
Q. Why do men like BMWs?
A. They can spell it.
A: They leave stains whenever they get too hot.
Q: Why do men have orgasms?
A: So they will know when to stop having sex and fall asleep.
Q: How can you tell if a man is intelligent?
A: You poor, naive thing!
Q: Why do men get paid twice as much to do the same job?
A: The woman gets it right the first time.
Q: How do you confuse a man?
A: You don't have to - they're born that way.
Q: What are the three types of men?
A: The handsome, the caring and the majority.
Q: How are men and batteries different?
A: Batteries have a positive side.
Q. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
A. When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.
Q. What did God say after he created man?
A. "I can do better than this."
Q. Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q. What do you call a man with half a brain?
A. Gifted.
Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Q. Why did God create man?
A. Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Q. What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A. No mind and no business.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.
Q. Men are proof of reincarnation.
A. You can't get that dumb in just one lifetime.
Q. Why do men like BMWs?
A. They can spell it.
dirtylover
Literotica Guru
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Yeah? At least I'm not a skinhead, so there!
damppanties
Tinkle, twinkle
- Joined
- May 7, 2002
- Posts
- 16,276
Q. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
A. So men can understand them.
Q. What is the difference between government bonds and men?
A. Government bonds mature.
Q. What’s a man’s idea of helping with the housework?
A. Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
Q. What’s the difference between a man and E.T.?
A. ET phoned home.
Q. How do men define a 50-50 relationship?
A. We cook/they eat; we clean/they dirty; we iron/they wrinkle.
Q. What’s the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. How do men exercise at the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Q. What does a man consider to be a seven-course meal?
A. A hot dog and a six-pack.
Q. How are men like noodles?
A. They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Q. Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
A. When the crew gets lost in space, at least women will ask for directions.
A. So men can understand them.
Q. What is the difference between government bonds and men?
A. Government bonds mature.
Q. What’s a man’s idea of helping with the housework?
A. Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
Q. What’s the difference between a man and E.T.?
A. ET phoned home.
Q. How do men define a 50-50 relationship?
A. We cook/they eat; we clean/they dirty; we iron/they wrinkle.
Q. What’s the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. How do men exercise at the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Q. What does a man consider to be a seven-course meal?
A. A hot dog and a six-pack.
Q. How are men like noodles?
A. They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Q. Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
A. When the crew gets lost in space, at least women will ask for directions.
gauchecritic
When there are grey skies
- Joined
- Jul 25, 2002
- Posts
- 7,076
damppanties said:
A. When the crew gets lost in space, at least women will ask for directions.
from whom?
G
Guest
Guest
You gauche critic, you. From Mission Control of course, run by Mexican feminista types (we're the aye-aye-aye majority now, you blohk*).gauchecritic said:
Perdita
*that's bloke as pronounced in Sp.
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