Please read.

[ABSTRUSE]

VAWA

In light of what Woodnymph and I'm sure countless women here have gone through, I wanted to bring you attention to the following link.

If anyone would like to send their congressman a letter against Violence against women.
This act expires in Sept.

Keep in mind in our great country:

1 in 3 women are victims of abuse.

In America a woman is beaten every 15 seconds.

battering is the single major cause of of injury to women in America

20% of emergency room visits are by women beaten by their mate.

50% of all women killed in America are by a boyfriend or mate.

50% of teenages will experience abuse by age 18.

3,000 children witness their mother being beaten.

In 60% of the homes where women are beaten so are the children.

6,000 children will be treated for abuse, many will not survive.

More women in America will die this year from abuse...more than car accidents, muggings and rapes combined.

15 million will be severly assaulted by their spouse this year.

6,000 will die.
For more info to read or pass on to someone go here:
WINF

I'm asking nicely to not use this thread as a means of being mean or condescending. If you've never witnessed what someone who has gone through this before then please enlighten yourself.

Thanks Abs.

 

[lil_elvis]

Alarming statistics, abs.

Gotta consider myself very lucky indeed not to be among them or aware of anyone I know among them, but the unfortunate truth is that so much of this goes on behind closed doors and the women and kids are too terified of the monsters to get the protection and help they need.

I'll check out the link.

 

[kennylong]

What's wrong with this picture?

Why would an act regarding violence against women have an expiration date?

There is no excuse for anyone using physical or emotional abuse in a relationship. I am sure that the statistics you cite are correct, but I would also like women to realize that while 1 in 3 women may be the victims of such pathetic behavior by their mates, I don't know whether we can assume that 1 of 3 men are abusive, or at least I hope not. I know that many of these guys are repeat offenders.

I work with a guy who is presently in jail for beating his girlfriend (one of several, as he has proudly mentioned to one and all in the past), and the one fighting the hardest to get him sprung is his wife. The wife had been the victim of similar treatment last Christmas Eve.

I urge all women to take a close look at guys that they get into relationships with, most especially if you are taking them into your homes where there are children present. Don't let your heart run the show. Use your head. Decent men would never take offense at any look into their past, and I for one would take it as a compliment to the parenting skills of the woman.

If they did it before, they will do it again. If they got caught once, it likely happened many other times previously. Some, not all, but some of this horror may be preventable and need not be taking place.

Finally, please let me note that while it is a distinct minority, there are cases of the males being abused by the females, and that is equally wrong.

I hope that this didn't sidetrack your posting, but this subject is something that really disgusts me.

 

[oggbashan]

The US is not alone with this problem.

The UK has it too. Funding for dealing with physical abuse of women lags a long way behind funding for abuse of animals. And then there is (rarer but not as rare as people think) physical abuse of men by women - another difficult area because the men are slightly more reluctant than the women to admit that it happens.

The victim is often persuaded by the abuser that it is the victim's fault 'If you didn't keep nagging about my drinking... or whatever... then I wouldn't have to hit you.' Once the victim admits to someone else that the abuse happens it is a first step on the long and convoluted way to addressing the abuse.

Physical abuse is not confined to slums and lowlifes. It can happen anywhere, to almost anyone you know, and abusers can be clever about concealing the abuse, only hitting where it doesn't show, denigrating the victim by claiming that they are clumsy, fall over often or are just accident prone. Abusers rarely admit that they are the problem.

There are resources available in most Western Democracies but accessing them needs the victim to acknowledge that they are being abused. Most communities are very reluctant to admit that there are abusers in their midst. If the abuser holds some position of authority in the community then cover-ups are not unknown.

If someone admits to you that they are being abused, please offer whatever help and support you can. You may be their only hope.

Og

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Finally, please let me note that while it is a distinct minority, there are cases of the males being abused by the females, and that is equally wrong.

I hope that this didn't sidetrack your posting, but this subject is something that really disgusts me.

I'm glad you brought this up and if you have any info on it, please post it.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

battering is the single major cause of women in America

Sorry. It just jumped out at me.

 

[KarenAM]

Thank you for posting this, Abstruse.

It's easy to lose hope when you see these statistics, and when you see domestic abuse up close. It's also easy to give in to rage over it, to feel that the solution is simply to bring more violence into the situation, to think that letting loose with guns or knives or fists will make things better. I've felt all these things and more.

Real solutions, however, are one at a time, and begin by recognizing that we are a violent society that rewards aggression, particularly in men. We are also a society, particularly in this age of social conservatism, that devalues women. As veterans return from the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan we may well see a rise in domestic violence.

So if we're going to turn the tide against the statistics here, we have to do more, much more, than simply rage against the perpetrators of domestic violence. We have to realize that offering to kill one man after he has attacked his partner is too little, too late and is more about making us feel better than it is about solving the problem.

I'm preaching... sorry. But I've seen the results of domestic violence, up close, not just the hitting and the screaming, but the way that years of it ruin children, turning yesterday's victims into tomorrow's abusers. I've also seen how victims can escape the cycle of violence and can rescue their children from it, how a good man (they're out there) can do so much by not giving in to his understandable rage over what he's seen others do.

So please, folks, turn that understandable rage into something positive. Write your representatives. Make a real difference.

/End of sermon./

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Sorry. It just jumped out at me.

LOL...Thanks.....

 

[Svenskaflicka]

The sad thing is that it's hard to talk about this subject without getting a "so you hate ALL men, do you?" thrown in your face - atleast here in Sweden. You can't mention the fact that in most abuse cases women have been beaten up by men, because then everyone around you will try to soothe the hurt emotions of any men present by assuring that they know that not ALL men are abusers, and that surely those who are must be some kind of mentally instable people - unless they're immigrants, ofcourse, because then it's simply dismissed as "part of their culture".

Brothers, friends, lovers - if you're not one of those creeps who abuse women, good, excellent, that means you're on our side. Don't help the abusers by flying off your chair and start protesting that not ALL men are abusers, whenever the subject comes up - it will just lead the conversation down trhe wrong lane and we will never move on to the REAL issue: how to fight abuse against women. We KNOW you're not all bad, it's just so darn frustrating having to start every discussion with "now I KNOW that not ALL men are abusers, BUT, those who are..."

Help your sisters. Sign petitions, write letters to your congessman, and, above all, show which side you're on when your coworkers and buddies and family members start "joking" about abuse against women, or show a side of "women should know their place".

Help us.

 

[kennylong]

I'm glad you brought this up and if you have any info on it, please post it.

A quick look about this finds statistics lacking or hard to find fast, but it is a very small percentage. I was told by an ex-relative cop that many times the man is embarrassed to report it, and the cops sometimes smirk at a situation where the man is the victim when they come upon it. That was many years ago, so maybe society has become more enlightened since then, but I doubt it.

When someone is filled with uncontrollable rage, they should learn to walk away. It's amazing how silly some arguments really were if you step back from the uproar for a few hours.

Frankly, I'm not a fan of the man:macho/hunter/gatherer philosophy, and I think it's used too often and provides too many excuses for inexcusable behavior.

 

[Alex756]

The first line of defence in many cases is the police. So often there is aid out there but a woman or man won't call to get help. The sick bastards (I am using that in the female and male way for anyone who abuses) screw with their victem's head first so they feel they can't call.

A good friend of mine, her bastard husband broke her nose, beat her and what not, she kept going back to him though, she wouldn't file a police report. She was relatively well off as a situation goes in a case like this. She had an offer of my couch for as long as she wanted it, she had her parents more than willing to take her in with love and open arms, and still she went back to that bastard. The ass only ended up in jail when he threw a TV though her daddy's car cause -He- called the cops and they were finnaly able to arrest him for something, it took her another 2 days of convincing to file an assalt charge.

I guess what I am saying is laws are there, they just can't DO anything until someone files charges. Support groups are there, but people don't look for them. You can see a friend getting in trouble but there isn't alot you can do. So I guess I don't know what writing would do, maybe a better thing to do is support the local women's shelters and aid groups that do their damndest to help women (and men) who are victems.

So yeah, Og has it right. offer what you can, even if it's a crappy couch in a too small apartment to a friend or just a shoulder to cry on. My friend luckily has been away from that bastard now for 3 years and is putting her life back together with friends and family. I still feel a desire to hurt the bastard though when I think about it.

-Alex

 

[ABSTRUSE]

A quick look about this finds statistics lacking or hard to find fast, but it is a very small percentage. I was told by an ex-relative cop that many times the man is embarrassed to report it, and the cops sometimes smirk at a situation where the man is the victim when they come upon it. That was many years ago, so maybe society has become more enlightened since then, but I doubt it.

When someone is filled with uncontrollable rage, they should learn to walk away. It's amazing how silly some arguments really were if you step back from the uproar for a few hours.

Frankly, I'm not a fan of the man:macho/hunter/gatherer philosophy, and I think it's used too often and provides too many excuses for inexcusable behavior.

We can only hope there is some modecum of professionalism in the police force today. There are some brutal women out there.
Also emotional abuse is something that needs to be addresses when talking about abuse. It's just as devastating.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

We can only hope there is some modecum of professionalism in the police force today. There are some brutal women out there.
Also emotional abuse is something that needs to be addresses when talking about abuse. It's just as devastating.

Except it leaves no visible scars, so it's harder to proove the damage done.

 

[Kassiana]

How was "abuse" defined in the study that garnered the 1 in 3 statistic? Because even to me, a feminist whose mother runs a domestic violence shelter, that seems very high.

I'm not asking this to be "condescending" or minimize women's real problems, but I find this stat unbelievable, and I don't think I'm uneducated on this topic.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

How was "abuse" defined in the study that garnered the 1 in 3 statistic? Because even to me, a feminist whose mother runs a domestic violence shelter, that seems very high.

I'm not asking this to be "condescending" or minimize women's real problems, but I find this stat unbelievable, and I don't think I'm uneducated on this topic.

I just pulled it from the website, so I'm not sure if it was updated. If you have any info, please share.

 

[Alex756]

How was "abuse" defined in the study that garnered the 1 in 3 statistic? Because even to me, a feminist whose mother runs a domestic violence shelter, that seems very high.

I'm not asking this to be "condescending" or minimize women's real problems, but I find this stat unbelievable, and I don't think I'm uneducated on this topic.

I think its low personally. I am thinking hard trying to think of a woman I know who wasn't abused at some point in her life. I can think of probbaly 2 out of maybe 20 I feel I know well enough that I have a good chance of knowing the truth.

of those 20

I know of NONE who ever went to a shelter.

I know of 1 who ever filed a police report.

-Alex

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I don't know. This is all so absolutely foreign to me. I've never hit a woman, never laid a hand on a woman in anger (or on a man either, as far as I can remember, except maybe in self-defense). I don't know any men who've done it, at last, not to my knowledge, nor do I know any women who've had it done to them (among my friends, I mean. And again, not to my knowledge.)

I mean, I'm not calling those figures into question, and I know it happens. I do know women it's happened to, but only as acquaintances--you know, as being pointed out to me ("Her husband beat her up.") That kind of thing.

These figures make it seem so common and ubiquitous. Am I some kind of odd ball? Does everyone else have horror stories?

 

[rgraham666]

My ex wife thumped me a few times.

She never tried to excuse it, or apologise for it as she couldn't remember it, being blacked out from alcohol abuse at the time.

I'll agree with KarenAM. We are a violent society. That's the problem that needs to be addressed.

 

[moonlight elf]

Except it leaves no visible scars, so it's harder to proove the damage done.

Yes, and there are those who don't see emotional abuse as abuse. I believe abuse in all it's forms is wrong and is something we need to address. Becoming aware about abuse is a very important step we need to take and then making others aware of the issue.

To change anything or make a difference we need to arm ourselves with awareness.

Abs, thanks for bringing up this topic.

 

[Penelope Street]

We all know some women who've been beaten, even if we don't know which ones. I'd wager most know a few male victims too. Most victims think it's unusual, it doesn't happen to anyone else. This leads to other ridiculous thoughts, like "maybe I deserve it, if only I was better..."

So no one talks about it. It's all statistics, not friends, not faces.

I knew one woman for six years before she told me. Considering all the other things we told one another, it is nothing less than shocking that she was reluctant to tell me that. What do you suppose she said when I offered to help, said she didn't have to live that way, that she could move in with us anytime?

"No. It'll be ok after he finds a job."

I don't remember that she specifically said, "I can handle it," but I heard it just the same.

Our society tends to look up to Jimmy Stewart type characters that are picked on until they snap and then take care of things themselves. Yeah, makes for a nice story, but somewhere in that mentality is a problem, a dangerous one. We all have this idea that we should put up with it until we snap, then handle the situation ourselves. There's shame in asking for help, in admitting to being a victim, admitting we can't handle it by ourselves.

The dishonor associated with being a victim- that’s a big part, if not the heart, of the problem. So what can you do? For starters, when you see a women with a bruise, please just ask her- and not in a whisper like it needs to be a nasty little secret, because that whisper is part of what makes it all possible in the first place.

 

[glynndah]

I was a victim of abuse as a college coed. It started out as a "normal" dating relationship, but gradually things changed. My clothes weren't right, my friends treated him badly, I was to blame for his poor grades, etc. It finally deteriorated to my being tied up, raped at gunpoint, and threatened with death. Looking back I find it hard to even explain why I stayed with him for so longer (almost 4 years). I was a smart girl, I had access to whatever social services the university could provide, and I was not relying on him for money. The only rationale I have been able to come up with is that my father hit my mother while I was a child. I guess that tainted my view of how men and women interact when I became an adult. The controlling became routine as it escalated.

I have great empathy for women in what they consider to be hopeless situations. When you get beaten so often, it becomes what you expect. It's very hard to get out of that kind of a life.

 

[cloudy]

There are some very good men in the world. Unfortunately, there are also some men, who for some reason, aren't happy unless they feel they have a puppet on a string....and let's face it, control is usually what it's all about.

They will gradually isolate you from your friends and family. They may not tell you that you can't spend time with them, but they will make your life so hard if you keep ties with your support network that after literally years of hell, it's much easier to let those friends, family, support go, because you just don't want to have to deal with his hissy fits.

Look around you....chances are that a man you are acquainted with has either abused women in the past (not just physically), or is abusing one now.

Do you know how often I hear how "lucky" I am?

"You don't have to work, and your husband makes a good living for you."
Yes, he does, but what you don't see is that I have to beg for enough money to buy cigarettes, or even a lunch at McDonald's. New clothes? Forget it. The last time I got more than a pair of jeans has been at least four or five years ago.

"Your husband is so good to you. Look at that gorgeous car he bought you."
What you don't realize is that that car is not in my name, and he frequently takes the keys away from me as "punishment." Not only that, he checks the mileage frequently, and in the morning before I get up, he goes through it, just snooping. I have my own car, in my own name, but he won't give me the money to buy a tag for it, so it sits in the driveway, and I'm unable to drive it.

The sad, sad truth is:

• I have to turn the ringers off on both my cell phone and the landline when he gets home from work (sneakily, of course), because if anyone calls, he listens to my side of the conversation intently, and then I have to play twenty questions when I hang up. Wrong number? Of course it isn't, it's the guy I'm cheating with calling to check and see if my husband's home.
• If I go anywhere on a day that he's off, I need to go and come right back, no unscheduled stops....it's more proof that I'm cheating.
• Going to my mother's for the day? I'd best be home before dark, or I will be read the riot act at a level that will crack crystal for at least an hour after I get home.
• Gas for the car to go pick up my older son? Forget it. (keep in mind, my older son does not live with me anymore, because I did not want to put him through this hell)
• Cherished family heirlooms? Not anymore....he's broken them, put his cigarettes out on my grandmother's dresser, and thrown away my two older childrens' schoolwork that I had saved. I don't have any of it anymore.
• No one can come to my house to visit because, I kid you not, he looks at the tire tracks in the driveway when he gets home.
• Is there a book that is your favorite? Don't let him know...that'll be the first one he tears up the next time he goes into a rage.

The worst thing is that my younger son gets to watch some of these performances. There's more.....I've been accused of everything from cheating with multiple partners to being a drug addict. But he doesn't have a problem with alcohol, of course not - despite the 30-odd beer bottles I cleaned out of the bathroom yesterday.

My husband doesn't hit me (not since I told him that the next time he put his hands on me in anger I'd superglue his hands to his cock while he slept), but I would almost rather he did. Walking on eggshells in your own home is exhausting.

Don't tell me to go to a shelter....those are temporary, and without money, or any type of support network, I'm stuck. Besides, if there's a shelter within 50 miles of me, I wish someone would point it out. There are ZERO social services here beyond the bare minimum of welfare and foodstamps. And he will take my youngest child from me by any means fair or foul, he's done it before. He would drool in anticipation if I went to a shelter and had no visible means of supporting myself and my youngest child....he'd snatch him so fast my head would spin, and the court system here would let him.

Forget calling the police when he goes into a rage. They won't get here for at least 30 minutes, if that quickly, and when they do finally arrive, all they'll do is offer me a ride somewhere. Forget the lunatic out in the woods behind the house who's nearly broken my arm before......that's not their problem. They don't get paid enough to do anything that dangerous.

My whole point in telling this sad story is that an abuser doesn't look like a monster, and chances are he's someone that you think is a damn good guy, treats his wife well, treats his family well. Don't be fooled. They're very accomplished actors. So much so that when you do try to get away from them, what little support you have trickles away because you must be "crazy to leave such a good man."

It's insidious, it goes on constantly, and it's everywhere. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me - I got myself into it, and I'll get myself out, but when something happens like what has happened with woodnymph, it absolutely breaks my heart. I told her months ago to run like hell and not look back. If they can work things out, and he treats her the way he should from now on, more power to 'em, but the hard cold facts are this: if a man will hit a woman once, he'll hit her again....and it just gets easier and easier for them to justify doing it.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Thanks to all who read.

 

[Guest]

I don't know. This is all so absolutely foreign to me. I've never hit a woman, never laid a hand on a woman in anger (or on a man either, as far as I can remember, except maybe in self-defense). I don't know any men who've done it, at last, not to my knowledge, nor do I know any women who've had it done to them (among my friends, I mean. And again, not to my knowledge.)

I mean, I'm not calling those figures into question, and I know it happens. I do know women it's happened to, but only as acquaintances--you know, as being pointed out to me ("Her husband beat her up.") That kind of thing.

These figures make it seem so common and ubiquitous. Am I some kind of odd ball? Does everyone else have horror stories?

I know many women with horror stories. It's frightening, really.

I went out with an abuser-in-training in high school for awhile. He quickly progressed through many controlling issues, including demanding I dress a certain way and behave in a certain way. He had no close friends, which should have been a clue, and my family, especially my father, were polite to him but didn't really approve.

And then one day while at his house in front of his family, I said something of which he didn't approve and he slapped my face.

I was mortified. I still remember the feeling of my cheek hurting, my eyes watering and my face bright red as his family chuckled over the incident. Chuckled!

He didn't apologize - I didn't ask - but after he dropped me off at my house I never spoke to him again.

I was too embarrassed to tell my family. Luckily the mark was slight, easily covered by makeup, and they were so happy that he was gone they didn't even question it. Not long after I started dating someone else - he turned out to be the man to whom I'm still married.

I'm lucky.

 

[Guest]

It's insidious, it goes on constantly, and it's everywhere. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me - I got myself into it, and I'll get myself out, but when something happens like what has happened with woodnymph, it absolutely breaks my heart. I told her months ago to run like hell and not look back. If they can work things out, and he treats her the way he should from now on, more power to 'em, but the hard cold facts are this: if a man will hit a woman once, he'll hit her again....and it just gets easier and easier for them to justify doing it.

Oh, cloudy.

This breaks my heart. I'm so sorry.