Please - New Writer Seeks Reviews!

[DeniseColo]

Hello Fellow Literotica Members:

I have recently uploaded my very first submission to Literotica. So that I gain a sense of progress, please take a moment to review my story entitled:

"A Massage to Remember"
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=55423
DeniseColo

I look forward to your comments and suggestions. Your feedback will provide me with direction for subsequent writings. Please feel free to contact me directly at: denisecolo@hotmail.com

Thank you.
- Denise

P.S., Your Vote Is Appreciated. Thank You

 

[crysede]

Hi Denise

First off I should say that f/f stories don't really interest me sexually, so I can't comment on the effectiveness of the story in that regard.

On the whole I liked the story. Your descriptions are excellent, and an ability to describe things well is essential to good writing in my opinion. Your story showed you've got this skill down pat: lots of good detail to make the scene real for the reader, and utilizing all the senses too. I particularly liked the bit about her 'listening to the bubbles' in the bath - I do the same thing, so it made it very easy to put myself in the scene with her.

However, there were some technical problems that I found really distracting. One of the first things I noticed was the heavy use of explanation points and ellipses: while these things work well in informal conversation, they don't work that well in stories. There's a great essay on this site called 'Guide for Amateur Writers of Erotica' (click here to see it) that covers these issues, and since the author explains things much more clearly than I probably would, I'm just going to quote from it:

The elipse is possibly the single most overused punctuation mark by amateur (and many professional!) writers. The elipse is represented by three periods (or "pips") in a row ("..."). It is NEVER less than three or more than three. It is ALWAYS three.

An elipse is used to indicate an incomplete thought, and takes the place of a period. It should NEVER be used to represent a pause! If you wish to indicate a pause, a comma, semi-colon, or colon should be used instead. Generally, gramatically complete sentences should not end in an elipse. Only sentence fragments (those sentences which do not possess a subject, verb, and object) should end in an elipse.

After the elipse, the question mark and exclamation mark are the most overused punctuation. It is almost never appropriate to use more than one exclamation mark, and it is NEVER appropriate to use more than one question mark. If you find yourself inclined to use more than a single exclamation mark, try describing the loudness of the sound instead; it will likely make for a better story.

Other than that, the only other problem that really caught my eye was your first line: It was one of those fantasies couples often play with in their minds: To have another woman join them in the most intimate of settings ? the bedroom!. First off, just to get fussy, the 'to' following the colon should not be capitalized. Second, this opening line is not very engaging: it makes the fantasy sound like it's just some boring old thing that everyone does. Just changing it from passive to active would make it a lot more interesting to read, eg: I've always had this secret fantasy... or When my husband told me his fantasy ....

Anyway, in my opinion it's a good story, but could use a little cleaning up style-wise.

 

[Pure]

Denese C,

I had a quick look, and it's not bad. Fairly hot. Contrary to the critic above, I don't think the mechanics are that bad. Which is to say that they are as good as 3/4 of the stories around here. IMO, you know basics of writing a simple story and should concentrate on the next levels above.

Grammar is pretty good, except 'laying'.

There's nothing wrong with the concept, but the way you chose to tell the story cut out a lot of anticipation. We know almost too much at early points, and so the reader does NOT participate in the wife's pleasant surprise. For instance, maybe AFTER the massage starts could the wife remember some of the preliminary talks about it. In a way, telling the story after the event, you label each little prior thing as 'clue' to what will happen.

The character of the husband is not very well filled in, except that he's romantic and attentive. The character of the masseuse is not there, hence there's no reason, except maybe money, for her to join in so thoroughly.

Again, there's a predictability. Had she been willing to go only so far, then gotten seduced, persuaded, or ??, it would have been more interesting.

While there is some talk of the wife's surprise at a sexual approach, this is relatively minimized; iow, she--a la porn plots-- hesitates a full three milliseconds before joining into sex with a stranger! My meaning is that the wife's hesitations could have been made more of.

Generally the story shows a knack for a 'hot' story. What you have to do, imo, is the daunting task of working within an overall predictable plot. A woman will be brought in and give a massage and there will be a threesome. {This is no worse than ten other porn or erotica plots, such as woman meets a handsome stranger while on a trip to another city and they are attracted and fuck.}

It's up to you, *within that* to create a bit of tension, and at least mild surprises.

Since you know the basics of writing, I think you can develop the various levels of skills necessary to tell an excellent porn/erotic story.

Best,
J.

 

[PetaTenna]

Okay, your punctuation drives me mad, but it's covered above. Two other things that you have to totally revise are the way clauses fit together, as if you're desperately trying to avoid normal English; and the way two images fit together in an almost-cliché, or a cliché that doesn't work. I'll start at the top for examples.

"My husband has always been the one with the vivid imagination in our relationship, although association is improving upon mine greatly."

- To improve upon something is to find something else that's better. You mean improve, not improve upon. "Association" should be "associating with him". - "Although association is improving upon mine greatly" is a convoluted way of saying "although mine has improved greatly by associating with him".

"We had often played with visions of this scenario in our minds during lovemaking."

- You had played with this scenario in your minds; or you had played with visions of this. Talking about visions in your minds is redundant and adds too much abstraction.

""fantasy" is defined as: to portray in the mind"

- No, "fantasy" is a noun, "to portray" is a verb. You mean something like "a fantasy is a portrayal in the mind": and phrasing it as a dictionary definition is not very sexy, or to the point here.

"and then discussed the "surprise" soon to be bestowed upon me"

- If you didn't yet know about it, it was a surprise, not a "surprise". You use too many roundabout constructions like "to be bestowed upon me" when what you mean is "that they would give me".

"We had earlier completed a lite-faire dinner"

- You complete a jigsaw puzzle, but you have dinner, or finish dinner. What does "complete" add? Why complete, rather than have or eat or finish?

"Somewhere along the way, I had been prepared a hot bubble bath"

- "I had been prepared"? You mean "he had prepared me". Likewise in the next sentence: "as I was tenderly undressed, placed [...], then served up [...]". This persistently passive use suggests it was a flight of invisible spirits doing it, not your husband. Describe what he does, not what is done to you.

"At the prescribed time, she arrived."

- To prescribe is to set by a rule, to lay down an order. Your husband diidn't prescribe that time, they arranged that time. You've taken the set expression "prescribed time" and transferred it to a context where it doesn't apply. You mean "At the time they had arranged," and there seems no point in bringing this forward for emphasis, so make the whole sentence the straightforward "She arrived at the time they had arranged".

"to bed with my lover was where my intended destination was focused."

- No, the bed was your destination. Going to bed was your intention. Going to bed was (perhaps) what your attention was focused on. But the way you've written it mixes up these, and adds a whole lot of unnecessary abstractness.

Write it simply. To begin with, write "he gave me" instead of "he bestowed on me". Write "he saw me" instead of "I was seen by him". Only add in longer words, or more complicated syntax, or subtler thoughts, once you've got the basic expression right.

 

[Guest]

An elipse is used to indicate an incomplete thought, and takes the place of a period. It should NEVER be used to represent a pause! If you wish to indicate a pause, a comma, semi-colon, or colon should be used instead. Generally, gramatically complete sentences should not end in an elipse. Only sentence fragments (those sentences which do not possess a subject, verb, and object) should end in an elipse.

Sorry, haven't read the story, but I wanted to take issue with this quote. It is actually grammatically correct to use an ellipse to represent a pause, as long as it is a very noticeable pause with the first part trailing off, eg. "She was running...no actually she was just jogging." Bad example, but I can't think of anything better atm.

Also grammatically complete sentences may end in an ellipse when speech is involved. Speech does screw many grammatical rules, so be aware that you can bend the rules in some cases on speech.

The Earl

 

[TheEarl]

An elipse is used to indicate an incomplete thought, and takes the place of a period. It should NEVER be used to represent a pause! If you wish to indicate a pause, a comma, semi-colon, or colon should be used instead. Generally, gramatically complete sentences should not end in an elipse. Only sentence fragments (those sentences which do not possess a subject, verb, and object) should end in an elipse.

Sorry, haven't read the story, but I wanted to take issue with this quote. It is actually grammatically correct to use an ellipse to represent a pause, as long as it is a very noticeable pause with the first part trailing off, eg. "She was running...no actually she was just jogging." Bad example, but I can't think of anything better atm.

Also grammatically complete sentences may end in an ellipse when speech is involved. Speech does screw many grammatical rules, so be aware that you can bend the rules in some cases on speech.

The Earl

 

[crysede]

Sorry, haven't read the story, but I wanted to take issue with this quote. It is actually grammatically correct to use an ellipse to represent a pause, as long as it is a very noticeable pause with the first part trailing off, eg. "She was running...no actually she was just jogging." Bad example, but I can't think of anything better atm.

Are you quite sure? I thought you're supposed to use an m-dash for that.

 

[Thorpress]

Well l am new to this site too...new to posting l was just being entertained before, and l was actually intimidated by the level of writing that is on here...but after one beer too many l got up the courage to post one and now just sitting back waiting for the flak...so good luck to anyone who is posting for the first time or the thousand th (sp?) time...it takes guts !!!

 

[Thorpress]

Well l am new to this site too...new to posting l was just being entertained before, and l was actually intimidated by the level of writing that is on here...but after one beer too many l got up the courage to post one and now just sitting back waiting for the flak...so good luck to anyone who is posting for the first time or the thousand th (sp?) time...it takes guts !!!

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Are you quite sure? I thought you're supposed to use an m-dash for that.

I'm quite sure. Ellipsis can be used to indicate the omission of one or more words that are obviously understood but that must be supplied to make a construction grammatically complete; to indicate the suspension of the meaning of a sentence (like in TheEarl's example); or simply to indicate a pause. The latin word for ellipsis (the mark) is reticentia, which could sometimes be also interpreted as 'hesitation'.

And technically, ... , · and -- are all ellipsis...

 

[crysede]

I'm quite sure. Ellipsis can be used to indicate the omission of one or more words that are obviously understood but that must be supplied to make a construction grammatically complete; to indicate the suspension of the meaning of a sentence (like in TheEarl's example); or simply to indicate a pause. The latin word for ellipsis (the mark) is reticentia, which could sometimes be also interpreted as 'hesitation'.

And technically, ... , · and -- are all ellipsis...

Endashes and emdashes are both ellipses?! God grammer is just evil - they could at least give each symbol it's own name! But I'm still confused, does this mean that using '...' to indicate a pause (that would usually be indicated with a comma or semicolon) is grammatically correct?

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Endashes and emdashes are both ellipses?! God grammer is just evil - they could at least give each symbol it's own name! But I'm still confused, does this mean that using '...' to indicate a pause (that would usually be indicated with a comma or semicolon) is grammatically correct?

No, but it would be correct to use them, in direct speech, to represent the abnormal pauses of the speaker:

«She's trying to remember something. "What if you... Victor... got hooked up with a... certain organization... and what if this information... was leaked? How much could Palakon be paid... to take care of that as well?... Either way Palakon couln't lose. He set it all up." I wipe away a tear thar rolls halfway down her face and the gusting wind causes confetti to swirl wildly everywhere around us.»
--Bret Easton Ellis, Glamorama

Certainly you can see the foolishness of using commas in that situation... (suspension of meaning, because I don't realy know if you can)

"What if you, Victor, got hooked with a, certain organization; and what if this information, was leaked?" -- Makes no sense, because commas and semicolons aren't just used to indicate pauses per se; they have to separate pre-determined different phrasal elements within the structure of a sentence. That's where whomever wrote that essay was not wrong, but inaccurate.