Please Help Girls

[Elise]

I need help - after an extended time of chating on-line. The woman I was talking to turned out to be a guy! I am crushed. Does that happen often and how can I avoid it? I feel like a total idiot and I was starting to really you know like "her" and then WHAM.

 

[dizzylia]

I need help - after an extended time of chating on-line. The woman I was talking to turned out to be a guy! I am crushed. Does that happen often and how can I avoid it? I feel like a total idiot and I was starting to really you know like "her" and then WHAM.

Aside with actually speaking with them (phone/Web/etc.), all we really have is trust, unfortunately. More unfortunate is the fact there is a large handful of jerks out there who feel no remorse at taking advantage of that fact.

I'm sorry, hon. Please don't feel like an idiot, though. It's really not your fault.


-dizzy

 

[Samuelx]

This sucks. I once tried to pick up a macho Latin stud at a bar but "he" was actually a tomboy with a fetish for gay/bisexual men. We didn't hit it off. I didn't like the deception and split. Good that you realized it. Move on with your life. For the record, I'm one hundred percent man, lol !!!

 

[human_male]

Don't blame yourself, how the heck were you supposed to know? There's not much you can do about it though. Maybe insist on hearing their voice like on yahoo chat where you can talk through a mic. Not much other than that though. But maybe this is just one bit of bad luck, and now he's out of the way, maybe the next person will be genuine.

 

[RawHumor]

That's why a lot of women on chat sites adopt a subtle list of questions to work into the conversation to try to ensure that the person is a woman...

 

[RazorSplitClit]

I have the opposite problem; people think I try to trick them into thinking I'm a girl. Now I just state that I'm a man whenever I feel someone might make that mistake.

 

[LoboBoy]

It's not just the gender thing...I have chatted to "nice" guys in the past when I was single, and most of them turned out to be losers or liars or just didn't show.

I think its because half the time we project onto the person on the other end of the chat, what we'd like them to be. Our own mind controls the "tone of voice" they're using etc...

Lying about your gender is crap though.

I know a guy who pretends to be a girl to try to get straight guys to cum for him on webcam. He even went as far as to take close up still shots of the inside his bended knee to make it look like a blurry pic of a shaved pussy. Scary thing is, it actually worked for him a number of times.

 

[georgewas]

Under no circumstances should you ever take anything that anyone ever communicates via internet, with the exclusion of certain people you may know in the real world.

This is not the real world. This is fantasy. There is nothing to be held accountable for here. Everything you or I or he or she does and says is in the intrest of making self seem more appealing. Every avatar, signature, profile, and minute comment is calculated. I dont want to sound paranoid, but TRUST NO ONE. Its good for what its worth, but remember its fantasy and not real life. I would not recomend thinking of any feelings about someone you can attain here as love. Im sorry for your deception.


HOORAY for soapboxes !!

 

[Nirvanadragones]

I suppose it depends what the purpose is of getting to know them. This happpened to me a while back. I became very good friends with a woman, and I have to admit that I started developing a crush on her. She did warn me on numerous occasions that I should not get involved emotionally, but when has the heart ever listened to reason? I have to add that it was much more than emotional attraction - her mind had me captivated. Then one day I just knew. I asked her and she immediately admitted that she was not a woman, and explained her reasons for the internet persona. And when I looked back, I realised that at no stage had she actually professed to being a woman. She had very specific reasons for her female internet persona, which makes perfect sense.

After this realisation, our friendship grew to a higher level, and we are expectionally good friends. We have developed a level of trust that I do not share with many

 

[Noor]

Under no circumstances should you ever take anything that anyone ever communicates via internet, with the exclusion of certain people you may know in the real world.

This is not the real world. This is fantasy. There is nothing to be held accountable for here. Everything you or I or he or she does and says is in the intrest of making self seem more appealing. Every avatar, signature, profile, and minute comment is calculated. I dont want to sound paranoid, but TRUST NO ONE. Its good for what its worth, but remember its fantasy and not real life. I would not recomend thinking of any feelings about someone you can attain here as love. Im sorry for your deception.

I find that people in the real world are pretty much the same, what you see is usually only what they allow you to see. Its harder to change sex in the real world but people do it.
I agree with "trust no one" and hold onto your heart. Given the rates of divorce and adultery in the real world, deception in the online world doesn't seem that much worse.

For some people, the online world is a place where they can truly be themselves without the constraints of their community, a place where people feel safe to be themselves. So in some ways it can be more real than real life.

I am sorry you were hurt, I never understand the appeal for men to pretend to be women on line, I know men who have been fooled this way too.

 

[Samuelx]

I need help - after an extended time of chating on-line. The woman I was talking to turned out to be a guy! I am crushed. Does that happen often and how can I avoid it? I feel like a total idiot and I was starting to really you know like "her" and then WHAM.

Don't expect too much from people you've never met, heck, don't expect too much even from those you've known for a lifetime. Women disappoint. Men disappoint. It's human nature.

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

The person who did this to Elise has committed the gravest of all moral offenses: Treating another human as an object with which to gratify his own pleasure. It is an evil thing.

Georgewas wrote: "Everything you or I or he or she does and says (online) is in the interest of making self seem more appealing. Every avatar, signature, profile, and minute comment is calculated."

Noor followed up: "I find that people in the real world are pretty much the same, what you see is usually only what they allow you to see."

What Noor writes is excessively cynical. It's true on its face, but the amount of information about a person that your senses receive in the real world is orders of magnitude more than online - you have infinitely more clues and cues about who the other person is – and the other person knows that! Therefore, the context in which the "calculating effort to seem more appealing" takes place in the real world is very different, and much less deserving of moral scrutiny, and derision of the sort that Noor and others cast.

The converse of that is, the "calculating effort to seem more appealing" on line is subject to greater moral scrutiny, because the other person lacks the cues and clues available in real life (as Elise's sad tale reveals).

An honest person who understands this will behave accordingly on-line, and if necessary to prevent hurting another person, will fill in any important "need to know" information that would be apparent in real life.

Importantly, it is likely that many honest people do not understand this, because this medium is so new, and we're "making it up as we go along."

There's a lesson here for all of us, which is to be aware of the limitations of this medium, and don't use them in a deliberate, dishonest, malicious manner to manipulate people. Sure, have fun, flirt, make yourself seem much more appealing than you really are. But if things start getting serious with another person, be aware of these moral considerations, and behave accordingly.

I think there is too much cynicism about humans expressed here. Yes, we are weak and take shortcuts and have many quirks and foibles. We often disappoint. However, this should not be confused with the malicious act that was perpetrated against Elise.

I'm sorry that this happened to you, Elise. I'm sure you deserve better.


Edited to add: I don't mean to pick on you Noor, I'm sorry if it seems like I did so. It's hard not to be cynical sometimes, I know. Hopefully you see the more important point I'm making here, and will forgive me.

 

[Noor]

I don't think I am being excessive here at all. Remember all those who deceive on line also exist in real life, maybe they may have a harder time deceiving but I am willing to believe they still do. Users use people, and you can never see inside another's heart or mind.

How many people have never had a one night stand they thought was a relationship? Have never been betrayed by a lover? Have never been lead on by someone? Experienced liars, cheats and manipulators in school and the work place?

It is not the medium that is to blame here, it is the person who uses it to deceive, like a married person who hides their ring and lies about being in an exclusive relationship.

It is also not the fault of the victim, sure something like what sex one is would be more obvious in real life, or on the phone, but people who are deceitful get very good at it over time.

In real life people often find that they have sold out their beliefs and feelings little by little over time and have become someone they aren't, real life society encourages this. I suspect midlife crisis' are the wake up call for those who realize that they are not living within their core beliefs, depression might be a reaction to that as well sometimes.

All I can say is the person who gives another their trust has done nothing wrong, at some point we must all trust in order to love. Sure you can do everything to protect yourself, but nothing is certain. As someone who has been stalked, the advantage of online is you can disappear if you wish.

I like meeting people on line because I am not swayed by anything but their words and if I talk to them on the phone, their voice as well. I don't look at avs as anything more than a representation of them and sometimes their feelings. In real life their package, their beauty can be distracting to who they really are inside.

Its hard to tell the frogs apart, you just have to keep kissing them, try to avoid SIDS and hope a few are princess and/or princes.

 

[Noor]

Edited to add: I don't mean to pick on you Noor, I'm sorry if it seems like I did so. It's hard not to be cynical sometimes, I know. Hopefully you see the more important point I'm making here, and will forgive me.

No, I don't feel picked on, I think its just my agendas.

1) That it is not Elise's fault that this happened, it is unfortunate she ran into a dishonest person.
There are some extremely good people online and on lit, just as in rl.

2) The medium is not the message (Marshall McCullen)

3) I feel people should live truthfully and authentically in all aspects of their lives, real life, home, work, online, and while traveling away from home. It should not be unreasonable to expect that people are basically good and honest even on lit. I think it is our responsibility as members of lit to support such behavior as the norm and condone behavior that is otherwise.

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

Hi, Noor. I'm glad you weren't offended by my using your post to make a point. Of course you are correct that malicious deceivers exist in real life as well as online. I agree with almost everything you say in your responses to my post, and you make a good point about the advantages of on-line.

I guess my point is that the Internet not only makes intentional deception so much easier, it also makes unintentional deception easier, to such an extent that honest people need to be cautious that they don't unintentionally, innocently cause pain to another.

Here's an example: In real life I am slightly repressed emotionally. Online, I'm able to "let it all hang out" much more. If I start forming a serious relationship with someone online, and I suspect that they are very attracted to my emotional effusiveness, I have a duty to inform them that in real life I show my emotions much less.

That's all. It's just a matter of being aware of the limitations and distorting effects of the medium, and careful to avoid unintentionally hurting someone by not being aware of them.

Which is totally different than what we're talking about here – an intentional, malicious act. Maybe this is the wrong place for me to have made this point about unintentional deception, but I wanted to make clear the difference between what happened to Elise and innocent acts of "making oneself seem more appealing" either online or in real life.



Edited to add: PS. Did something I say make it seem that I'm blaming Elise in any way? I assure you that I am not. Elise is purely innocent: Her motives were benevolent, and there's no reason to think she was imprudent. She just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Again, I'm sorry this happened to you, Elise.

 

[Noor]

I am not very repressed or inhibited in real life, but I am introverted, even on lit I am. I tend to post on threads where I know someone, or have followed someone in.
In this case, I followed Nirvana. It takes me a while to get used to people, even people I know in rl if we have been parted for some time.

getting back to Elise's question, how can she avoid this in future? The only thing I can think of in this case is hearing their voice. Usually this isn't too hard, unless one of you has a mac but soon that shouldn't be a problem either.

 

[Noor]

Edited to add: PS. Did something I say make it seem that I'm blaming Elise in any way? I assure you that I am not. Elise is purely innocent: Her motives were benevolent, and there's no reason to think she was imprudent. She just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Again, I'm sorry this happened to you, Elise.

No, you didn't. I was responding to what georgewas said

 

[KamaSutraah]

I need help - after an extended time of chating on-line. The woman I was talking to turned out to be a guy! I am crushed. Does that happen often and how can I avoid it? I feel like a total idiot and I was starting to really you know like "her" and then WHAM.

I guess the guy was hoping that if you and him get along, your preference for women won't be important anymore. I can understand to an extent but to avoid such deception make sure you ask for pics, from a site like facebook, where people have a hard time faking as they can only use a school email address to sign up.

 

[John Doe]

Half the people on Lit are the opposite gender they claim to be.

Well, I don't know that for a statistical fact, but it sounds cool when I say it.

 

[Noor]

I guess the guy was hoping that if you and him get along, your preference for women won't be important anymore. I can understand to an extent but to avoid such deception make sure you ask for pics, from a site like facebook, where people have a hard time faking as they can only use a school email address to sign up.

one friend sent me a picture of themselves holding a card with a secret word over their mouth and the camera above their head with the other hand for proof. I really didn't care what they looked like or think they might trick me but it was sweet.

 

[KamaSutraah]

one friend sent me a picture of themselves holding a card with a secret word over their mouth and the camera above their head with the other hand for proof. I really didn't care what they looked like or think they might trick me but it was sweet.

That sounds lovely. So you agree on a secret word and someone send a pic with that word? Nice

 

[temp256]

I must admit I am slightly guilty myself. I chatted with a guy for weeks letting him assume I was a girl. I didn't lead him on, but I didn't refute his assumption either. The pictures I sent were real. Fortunately he was understanding when I told him I am not yet a girl. It was quite flattering for him to say how gorgeous I was.

I wish I were a girl...