Please critique my latest submission

[Sapphire_O]

This is a prose poem I'm going to perform at an upcoming event. Any comments you have about the words or the reading are much appreciated.

Thanks!

Incomplete Aubade

ps. I have a thick skin and am used to being criticised at school and whatnot, so feel free to be as blunt and honest as you want.

 

[Guest]

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[Sapphire_O]

Thanks neonurotic.

"Upon" is rather archaic, good catch.

About the tense: I'm trying to have this as an aubade/elegy. She is talking to someone who is dead and trying to get them to stay through reliving her memories of him. An aubade is a lovers' morning poem where one lover begs the other not to leave, so I'm playing with that idea and grief. I want it to be in present tense, bc past tense sounds reconciled (dealt with, filed in the past), while present tense means that this girl is still living in the past (not able to let him go).

Hmmmm... did I totally fail at that?



Thanks also to Bluerains for your public comments.

 

[Sapphire_O]

Thanks to everyone for the PMs and email feedback. Your advice and accolades are very encouraging.

I'm still accepting critques. hee hee this was totally a bump.