Planning a Murder!

[Carl East]

Let's get morbid. If you were to plan out a murder, what route would you take? I mean, would your choice of weapon be poison, a gun, or something more cunning.

In fact let's take this a step further, and see who can come up with the most original means by which to dispose of someone. I must just add that this is a tongue in cheek kind of thread, and not to be taken too seriously.

Carl

 

[rgraham666]

Already did this for a story.

In it, a third party was murdered and evidence left behind (blood, skin under fingernails, semen, pubic hairs) that pinpointed the main character as the perp.

Then the wheels of justice ground the main character exceedingly fine.

The advantage of this method is that the justice system would rather execute an innocent person than admit they made a mistake. They do all the work covering up for you.

 

[impressive]

Best I've seen is stabbing with an icicle. The evidence melts.

 

[Weird Harold]

Best I've seen is stabbing with an icicle. The evidence melts.

An even better, supposedly true, murder was the lady that beat her husbad to death with a frozen roast and then served the murder weapon to investigators.

I'm a fairly straight-forward kind of person so I'd go for a fairly direct approach to murder. I think if I really wanted to do somone in and get away with it, I'd talk them into visiting a pig farm, knock them out, dump them in the sty with the pigs, and claim they slipped and fell.

 

[cloudy]

Seeing as I'm a fairly straight forward person, AND there are swamps in Alabama...

Knock him in the head, and sink him in the swamp. Very little evidence left behind.


nope, never thought about it, no way...

 

[Carl East]

I had an idea for a story not so long ago along the same lines as suggested by RG, in this tale a serial killer picks what she thinks is a loser. She then goes out of her way to gather certain items, such as semen, hair and blood samples etc.

Once these things have been rounded up of course, she's then free to take out her victim. Obviously there's a lot more to it than that, but you get the idea. Unfortunately I'm not the person to write such a tale, I just wouldn't do it justice.

Carl

 

[Colleen Thomas]

Really, the best way to do it is kill them with a gun. Dump the body in an empty train car, after removing all id. About 90% of bodies found on trains are never identified, much less are the cases brough to court. Up here, you just stop by hessian lake on the way home, wipe down the gun and toss it in.

They still haven't sounded the bottom of Hessian, it's spring fed, so past 20 feet it's always 37 to 40 degrees. Diving in it is a nightmare, due to cold and the visibility is very limited. Even geting permission to dive it is a nightmare as it is on state property.

-Colly

 

[matriarch]

Really, the best way to do it is kill them with a gun. Dump the body in an empty train car, after removing all id. About 90% of bodies found on trains are never identified, much less are the cases brough to court. Up here, you just stop by hessian lake on the way home, wipe down the gun and toss it in.

They still haven't sounded the bottom of Hessian, it's spring fed, so past 20 feet it's always 37 to 40 degrees. Diving in it is a nightmare, due to cold and the visibility is very limited. Even geting permission to dive it is a nightmare as it is on state property.

-Colly

That is scarily neat and tidy.
Ummmmmm.............you haven't actually tried it............have you........*gulp* ??

 

[matriarch]

Best I've seen is stabbing with an icicle. The evidence melts.

OK, OK. I give in.

I'm not old, I'm not old, I'm not old.......................

 

[Colleen Thomas]

That is scarily neat and tidy.
Ummmmmm.............you haven't actually tried it............have you........*gulp* ??

Nopers. Haven't ben pushed to that extreme yet

 

[matriarch]

Nopers. Haven't ben pushed to that extreme yet

Phew...........that's a relief.
And I promise never to push you that far.

 

[impressive]

OK, OK. I give in.

I'm not old, I'm not old, I'm not old.......................

"Old" is as "old" does, love -- and you don't DO "old"

 

[minsue]

Nopers. Haven't ben pushed to that extreme yet

*noting the 'yet'*

 

[matriarch]

"Old" is as "old" does, love -- and you don't DO "old"

Oh, I'll do old if it wants me to.........any time...

 

[matriarch]

*noting the 'yet'*

Exackerrrrrlllllyyyyyyyyyyyy!!

 

[Colleen Thomas]

The perfect murder is not one where people don't know you did it. It's one where the state cannot prove you did it. For a prosecutor several things are needed for a "slam dunk" case.

Motive, opportunity, a body and a murder weapon. For each of these he is missing, the case becomes exponentially harder to prove.

So the first step for you, the killer, is to obtain a "clean" weapon. I choose a gun, simply beacuse it's ubiquitos. The more exotic the weapon you use, the more interested the cops will be in that aspect of the case and the more likely you will be to be linked to it. On a long weekend I can drive down to Mississippi and go to the gun show. There I can purchace, not a weapon, but parts for a weapon. If I do so from several vendors, pay cash, and wear a wig I never have to give my name, sign a recept or leave any paper trail. This only assumes I have the intelligence neded to assemble said weapon.

Shoot the sucker, strip the body, toss it in a train car. Don't mutilate the fingers or mouth. Grated that makes identification harder, but it makes the case out of the ordinary. Some poor git who was robbed, shot and dumped on a train leaves a massive number of suspects, huge distances and crosses several jurisdictions. The idea is to make it look like a casual homocide, rather than a pre planned murder, so you make it as mundane as possible.

Once you dump the weapon, broken down to it's component parts in hessian, you go about your life. An alibi isn't hard to manufacture, you simply go to bed on thenight you plan it, make sure your roomate is planning to bang her fiancee and you are set. Since she watches the clock on those nights, she will remember you were home in bed on the night in question by 9:30, when captain cock got in from work.

If you are lucky, the empty car will end up on a siding somewhere in a rail yard and it could be weeks before it's discovered. By then, tracing who it was is unlikely, but even assuming it is traced, and you are questioned you have an alibi, and you never owned a 9mm weapon. Even with strong motive, no prosecutor is going to court with just that.

The trick isn't to make it exotic, it's to make it ordinary. Those kinds of killings generally get jamme dinto the back of the unsolved files and forgotten about quickly.

-Colly

 

[Guest]

An even better, supposedly true, murder was the lady that beat her husbad to death with a frozen roast and then served the murder weapon to investigators.

Harold, one of the old Alfred Hitchcock mystery tv shows had a wife bludgeon her husband with a frozen leg of lamb. She then cooked it and served it to the police when they came to investigate.

Perdita

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Harold, one of the old Alfred Hitchcock mystery tv shows had a wife bludgeon her husband with a frozen leg of lamb. She then cooked it and served it to the police when they came to investigate.

Perdita

I love that episode...lol. Brilliant.

The icicle is also good.

My plan would be to make sure I have an alibi, and then drop the sucker in one of the open mine shafts here...weapon and all could be tossed in since they go down for miles and are filled with water.

and like Cloudy...no, I've never really thought much about it.

 

[Guest]

 

[minsue]

Force your intended victim to be juan's editor. I figure suicide within a month.

 

[orangeangel]

ok now some one come and Murder me any way you want

 

[Svenskaflicka]

I'd like to refer you all to Naked Gun (Part 1), the scene where Ludvig tells Papschmir that the best murderer there is, is NOT the one who can get away with it, but the one who doesn't even KNOW that he or she is a murderer - and then he hypnotizes his secretary to fire a gun at Papschmir - if that gun had been loaded, it would have been a very short career for poor Papschmir...

 

[TheEarl]

Harold, one of the old Alfred Hitchcock mystery tv shows had a wife bludgeon her husband with a frozen leg of lamb. She then cooked it and served it to the police when they came to investigate.

Perdita

WH and Pear: That was actually one of Roald Dahl's short stories 'Lamb to the Slaughter' and it's one of my favourites. Dahl, although best known for kids stuff like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, wrote some very dark short-stories that I find I can read over and over.

A derivation of the icicle thing was actually used in a Christopher Brookmyre novel called 'A Big Boy Did It And Ran Away' where an amateur assassin kills someone with a crossbow and a bolt made from ice with a mercury core. Distance shooting, no bullet left to identify the weapon and the mercury acts like a soft-core bullet, effectively liquifying the brain.

Agatha Christie posited that the perfect murderer (and in fact the one that finished off Hercule Poirot (ish. Won't spoil the ending if you haven't read it)) would be an Iago type character who pushed other people to murder, thus keeping themselves one step ahead. She also wrote the outstanding book 'And Then There Were None' (originally released with the very PC title of 'Ten Little Nigger Boys'!) in which the murderer manages to conceal himself, despite there being only 10 possible suspects and that number falling with every death.

Aren't I being a veritable fount of literary knowledge. Let's think, how would I do it myself? Best way would be to introduce a subdermal poison onto a surface that I know they're going to touch later, like a computer keyboard. All it would need would be a sprinkle of powder and I'd be long gone before they even died.

Mwahahaha.

The Earl

 

[Lucifer_Carroll]

Burning. Burning is good.

Poison the victim, break their teeth so that dental records are impossible and then take the body out into the desert and burn the body (make sure you're WELL off road for this part and for better measure be driving another car, though this probably isn't neccesary. What is neccesary is that this all doesn't occur at your own house. It needs to start in a motel room, one you can pay for in cash, while wearing a false accoutrement. If you can even use the victim's own car, bonus points. If you can park your own car somewhere other than the motel's lot and walk there, uber bonus. Do it all at around 2-3, no one's around at 3 am and no one cares.

Leave and go back home. Chances are that they'll never find the body (ashes in the desert don't last long, nor does cooked meat. If they do find it and if they have enough teeth to do a dental (unlikely), they will be unable to tell how long ago it occurred and if you were seen all day the day you did it (not all night, everyone knows people sleep at night and if you live alone, you can say I was asleep, no no one can vouch for me, cause I'm fuckin' single). Overall, very hard for them to get even the smallest things to pin on you.




For the unelaborate, rg's pin a patsy is a good one.

Also, false suicide has a good success rate. If there is a note, police assume the case is over. So brush up on those handwriting skills.

 

[doormouse]

If it was my ex...

I'd just keep kicking the fucker in the nuts till he coughed up his own testes