Perspective needed

[Poly2aT]

Hi, would love if I could get a little perspective and opinnion on my first story.

I really want nothing more than honesty, please be blunt.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=488117

This was based on a real discussion with someone online and wanted to capture its essence.

Poly 2 a T

 

[jiskitten]

Hi Poly2,
I read and quite liked your story, I hope you intend to submit more. There was nothing that pulled me out, which was a good thing. Just a couple of observations.

Comas and semicolons would help with the necessary pauses, I had to mentally insert my own and that can be a little distracting.

Repetition of sentences beginning with my, she, her, I can also be a little distracting, but perhaps that just my pet peeve.

Perhaps a sentence like this:
My hands fall away from her breast massage and find the side zipper of her skirt.

Could read like this:
Falling away from her breasts, my hands found the zipper of her skirt.

Just my two cents.

Please keep writing, you have obvious storytelling talent.

 

[_Lynn_]

Paragraphs should be right at eight lines. Otherwise you have a wall of black that's difficult to read on a screen. Readers will click out for this reason alone, so watch the walls.

There are obvious punctuation errors throughout the entire piece. Find a good editor to help correct the problems. This is also a great way to learn and improve for the next piece.

Your sentences ramble.

My shower was hurried and I pull on my jeans and shirt quickly after patting on her favorite Armani cologne.

All that happens in one breath? It's so awkward. Try something like: After a quick shower I toweled off and splashed on her favorite Armani cologe. While pulling my jeans up, I saw her tapping her foot and putting her lipstick on.

Dialogue should go in its own paragraph so it isn't lost.

Consider this scene in real life. There would be dialogue between the two people. Sounds, moans, groans, phrases, they all give a piece a touch a reality and help with the action. This has a clinical feel to it. He did this, and she did that.

You said in your OP this was based on a real discussion and you wanted to capture the essence. In my opinion you fell flat. When you write, you need some sort of action to keep the reader involved and interested. This scene doesn't have anything original in it to attract a reader.

Just my opinion.

 

[Poly2aT]

Thank you both for the info. I will have a proper editor look these over before I submit another. I am learning how to be a better writer/storyteller.

Keep comments comming..thanks

 

[SweetOblivion]

Not so much a story - more of a snippet

You should slow the "action" down and develop the characters while exorcising the clichees.