Persian Princess Ch. 1

[Chicklet]

Hey folks!

Okay so here's my story and here's what I'm looking for:

1) is this story in the right category? Later it's going to be in "NonHuman" but for now I thought "fantasy" but a couple of folks have suggested "incest" - your opinion?

2) should I continue with this style for the next couple of chapters? There will be three total...If we weren't talking about a series here and were talking about them as their own stories, is this style a good or bad one?

3) uhm, basically any typo's you can find that I didn't that I should change and resubmit.

Thanks in advance!

Chicklet

Persian Princess Ch. 1

 

[sirhugs]

1) I think its well placed- not sure why you think " Non-Human" fits better, but then, I never married my cat. . Anyone offended by bro/sis angle finds out early, can hit " back"- but "incest" might get you a larger audience.

2) not my fave style, but suits fantasy I think ( not my fave category). I lik the dialogue intensive aspect a lot.

3) I found no typos, but I'm drinking wine, so who knows?

gave it a 5

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Gee, Chicklet. I found it awfully slow going. By the time I get halfway down the first screen page of a story, I expect to be interested, and I just wasn't.

I noticed one error early on where there was an apostrophe missing from the possesive form of "king", but that's all.

---dr.M.

 

[Chicklet]

1) I think its well placed- not sure why you think " Non-Human" fits better...

later in the fairy tale a goddess changes the cat into a human save one patch of fur to prove that it's the same cat - that becomes "nonhuman" so later chapters *will* be in "nonhuman"

By the time I get halfway down the first screen page of a story, I expect to be interested, and I just wasn't.

Do you have any specific things that I could change to make it more interesting? Originally, instead of being a chapter, it was going to be a two paragraph introduction to the real story...it just ended up needing to be longer.

Chicklet

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I know you want this to have a fairy-tale tone to it, and that's usually done by using vivid action but not much detail. I just don't think the action here is strong enough to pull this off. Let's face it, miscarriages are not the stuff of heroic sagas.

You might try and make it more colorful by taking an opposite tack and putting in a lot of really striking detail. I think just the mention of "persia" conjures up such sensual associations that more description might help hook readers, and, given the never-land setting of the story, you can really let yourself go: slaves with peacock-feather fans, jewels and strings of pearls, exotic foods, baths full of milk, maybe something like that?

I also must admit that I missed the sex. By that i mean I blew right by it and only later did i realize that her sister was having an incestuous lesbian affair with her. It was mentioned so casually that I just missed it.

---dr.M.

 

[Chicklet]

will no one else read my story?