Passive aggressive or not?

[writerzblok92]

I left for the gym this morning which isn't unusual for me at all.

I was sleeping downstairs in a chair as usual since my wife complains that I keep her up.

I didn't know she was up working... Didn't hear a sound from her office, so I gathered my gym stuff and left. On my way I get the following message:

"Bye! I guess you were going somewhere! "

This is the usual kind of message I get from her if I leave without saying anything to her whether she's on a phone call or working or something in her office. Mind you anytime I say something to her in the office, it's like I'm bothering her.

Am I wrong to think that it's passive aggressive?

 

[hulmule]

Sounds like my friends wife. Wants the attention but dont borther me. Plus she wants to know everything and everywhere he goes and does...

 

[writerzblok92]

Sounds like my friends wife. Wants the attention but dont borther me. Plus she wants to know everything and everywhere he goes and does...

Thats a spot on description of her. Anytime I go out someplace, I get questions. I never ask when she goes anywhere. I always feel like I need to justify myself

 

[uberunk]

Honestly, it sounds like something is wrong, down deep, that she might not even be aware of. Your presence irritates her, but she's annoyed when you leave?

She's being very uncool, but it doesn't sound like she just wants you to fuck off either. It's actually good that she's being vocal about it instead of just letting it all quietly poison the relationship. This might be a hard one to figure out, but I'm optimistic that it's a solvable issue.

 

[mark_j]

I left for the gym this morning which isn't unusual for me at all.

I was sleeping downstairs in a chair as usual since my wife complains that I keep her up.

I didn't know she was up working... Didn't hear a sound from her office, so I gathered my gym stuff and left. On my way I get the following message:

"Bye! I guess you were going somewhere! "

This is the usual kind of message I get from her if I leave without saying anything to her whether she's on a phone call or working or something in her office. Mind you anytime I say don't to her in the office, it's like I'm bothering her.

Am I wrong to think that it's passive aggressive?

I think you are reading too much into it. You didn't know she was up. What else were you going to do? Wake her? It might have been prudent to check her office to be sure as a courtesy but otherwise what else were you going to do?

Unless there is more to this story I wouldn't worry. Just tell her sorry didn't know you were up.

 

[Britva415]

Am I wrong to think that it's passive aggressive?

Ask her, not strangers on the internet.

Explain to her how it makes you feel, how you perceive the tone. Ask her if there's anything to it or if it's all in your head. Either way, you can show her that it irritates you and ask her to do something different if she doesn't want to irritate you.

But for all you know, she's irritated herself about something you're doing or the way you're doing it, and you're not sensitive to it or aware of it because you aren't talking effectively together.

If the two of you would just talk and listen without getting defensive, then you could both move the needle about pushing each other's buttons less.

 

[writerzblok92]

Ask her, not strangers on the internet.

Explain to her how it makes you feel, how you perceive the tone. Ask her if there's anything to it or if it's all in your head. Either way, you can show her that it irritates you and ask her to do something different if she doesn't want to irritate you.

But for all you know, she's irritated herself about something you're doing or the way you're doing it, and you're not sensitive to it or aware of it because you aren't talking effectively together.

If the two of you would just talk and listen without getting defensive, then you could both move the needle about pushing each other's buttons less.

Fair point about asking her. I have done that in the past and it just leads to an argument with her telling me she's not being passive aggressive at all.
I've mentioned her tone before and that in a text, context is lost since it's just words on a screen. Her answer has been: that's your problem.

 

[Rainblow]

Personally, I would be disappointed if my partner didn't say goodbye with a kiss and vice versa. I'm woken up every morning at 5 am with a kiss, I wouldn't want it any other way.
You never know what's going to happen, they may meet an unfortunate end and you may never see them again. It would sadden me to think the last thing I did before I left home was not saying goodbye to the one I love.

 

[writerzblok92]

Personally, I would be disappointed if my partner didn't say goodbye with a kiss and vice versa. I'm woken up every morning at 5 am with a kiss, I wouldn't want it any other way.
You never know what's going to happen, they may meet an unfortunate end and you may never see them again. It would sadden me to think the last thing I did before I left home was not saying goodbye to the one I love.

Very good point

 

[Britva415]

Fair point about asking her. I have done that in the past and it just leads to an argument with her telling me she's not being passive aggressive at all.
I've mentioned her tone before and that in a text, context is lost since it's just words on a screen. Her answer has been: that's your problem.

Sounds like you have two choices:

Either believe her that it's not a dig at you, and let this shit go.

Or, if you can't help that it affects you this way and you'd really like for her to get the message that she's part of the problem if she can't hear how unpleasant this is for you, then learn "nonviolent communication" so that the chances of her getting defensive about it are lowest and the chances of her hearing you and finding it in her heart to respect you enough to stop pushing this button of yours is highest. Don't end the conversation when she tells you you're reading her meaning wrong. Tell her, respectfully and without blame, that you don't care what the intention was and you aren't accusing her of bad intentions, but it sounds unfriendly and you don't like it and couldn't she please find either a nicer thing or a more honest thing to say than "I guess you were going somewhere." Because, that absolutely does sound bitchy, especially if she keeps doing it after you've raised this issue repeatedly, and you shouldn't have to put up with it.

A third choice (which can be combined with one or the other of the above) would be to ask more and listen more, and find out whether there's something you're doing which is pushing her buttons and generating this irritating behavior on her part. It's probably about something completely different than just leaving without saying goodbye when you didn't even know she was around. Don't let her get away with projecting the whole problem onto you - tell her you feel like she's being snide and snarky and ask her whether something is going on which is bothering her. Don't make it all about you, just show her you can be there and work with her if there is something which is feeding this unfriendly, unloving behavior.

Because that's what it is. She's repeatedly hearing you say this is bothering you, and repeatedly denying that you should be bothered by it. That's not friendly, that's not loving, that's ignoring your feelings. You should be able to have a conversation with her about how she's giving you a hard time for interrupting her while working, and she's also giving you a hard time for not interrupting her while working, without her pretending this isn't a conflict that she's creating and you "feel wrong" about.

When I mentioned "nonviolent communication" above - that's a thing. If you've never heard of it, it isn't a suggestion that people are hitting each other while talking or otherwise being deliberately abusive. It just means that people who aren't skilled at having effective conversations without pushing each other's buttons can learn to stop getting trapped by those side tangents of unnecessary reflexive emotion. It's learnable. Phrases like "passive aggressive" aren't helpful because it's labeling, and kind of blamey. Using one's own words to encourage, hear and listen to more of the other person's words works wonders for getting to the bottom of confusing, inscrutable matters. Hopefully you have a good enough relationship with your wife that you both can put some effort into working on developing the skills of nonviolent communication together so that you don't spend the rest of your lives pushing each other's buttons and not hearing each other's concerns and feelings.

I'm speaking from experience. I came this close to ending my marriage over feeling un-heard. Luckily my wife was able to act grown-up about it and make an effort, instead of swaddling herself with childish defensiveness. Likewise I heard her needs too without feeling attacked and being inflexible.

Good luck.

 

[writerzblok92]

Sounds like you have two choices:

Either believe her that it's not a dig at you, and let this shit go.

Or, if you can't help that it affects you this way and you'd really like for her to get the message that she's part of the problem if she can't hear how unpleasant this is for you, then learn "nonviolent communication" so that the chances of her getting defensive about it are lowest and the chances of her hearing you and finding it in her heart to respect you enough to stop pushing this button of yours is highest. Don't end the conversation when she tells you you're reading her meaning wrong. Tell her, respectfully and without blame, that you don't care what the intention was and you aren't accusing her of bad intentions, but it sounds unfriendly and you don't like it and couldn't she please find either a nicer thing or a more honest thing to say than "I guess you were going somewhere." Because, that absolutely does sound bitchy, especially if she keeps doing it after you've raised this issue repeatedly, and you shouldn't have to put up with it.

A third choice (which can be combined with one or the other of the above) would be to ask more and listen more, and find out whether there's something you're doing which is pushing her buttons and generating this irritating behavior on her part. It's probably about something completely different than just leaving without saying goodbye when you didn't even know she was around. Don't let her get away with projecting the whole problem onto you - tell her you feel like she's being snide and snarky and ask her whether something is going on which is bothering her. Don't make it all about you, just show her you can be there and work with her if there is something which is feeding this unfriendly, unloving behavior.

Because that's what it is. She's repeatedly hearing you say this is bothering you, and repeatedly denying that you should be bothered by it. That's not friendly, that's not loving, that's ignoring your feelings. You should be able to have a conversation with her about how she's giving you a hard time for interrupting her while working, and she's also giving you a hard time for not interrupting her while working, without her pretending this isn't a conflict that she's creating and you "feel wrong" about.

When I mentioned "nonviolent communication" above - that's a thing. If you've never heard of it, it isn't a suggestion that people are hitting each other while talking or otherwise being deliberately abusive. It just means that people who aren't skilled at having effective conversations without pushing each other's buttons can learn to stop getting trapped by those side tangents of unnecessary reflexive emotion. It's learnable. Phrases like "passive aggressive" aren't helpful because it's labeling, and kind of blamey. Using one's own words to encourage, hear and listen to more of the other person's words works wonders for getting to the bottom of confusing, inscrutable matters. Hopefully you have a good enough relationship with your wife that you both can put some effort into working on developing the skills of nonviolent communication together so that you don't spend the rest of your lives pushing each other's buttons and not hearing each other's concerns and feelings.

I'm speaking from experience. I came this close to ending my marriage over feeling un-heard. Luckily my wife was able to act grown-up about it and make an effort, instead of swaddling herself with childish defensiveness. Likewise I heard her needs too without feeling attacked and being inflexible.

Good luck.

To say that there is a lot of sage advice in that reply would be an undestatement. Lots for me to digest and consider in there. I really appreciate your insight. It's given me a new perspective on things.