Party Time - An Unpolished Story

[Jennifer Kaye]

Hi everybody. I hope it's okay to do this here ....

Several years ago, as follow up to my first story on literotica, I started to write another story based on another of my experiences. I never did complete the story in a nice polished manner though, so I don't know that it would ever make the cut in getting posted to the main literotica story area. Instead, I have posted the story (it's short) in the forums. If you're interested, you can find it in this link ... the story is about halfway down the page.

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?p=11510919#post11510919

I hope y'all don't mind this post and I apologize if I've broken forum decorum.

 

[spyro1123]

You wrote a great story with a little polishing up it would be fantastic. I realy like your "chatty" style of writing. It makes the reader feel like you are talking right to them. Kinda like looking right into the camera makes everyone think you are taking the picture just for them.

Having said that i think there are a few places where you take it a little too far. It wouldnt take much to edit the story to take care of it though.

You wrote.

Without going into all of the details, the party was pretty beat with most of the people being guys and seemingly mostly highschool seniors at that.

As beat as it was, though, I was feeling pretty good, as Susan had brought a bottle of tequila with her. It's amazing what a few tequila shots will do for one's perception of a good time.

i think i would change it to something like

Without going into all of the details, the party was pretty beat. Most of the people were guys and they seemed to be highschool seniors at that.

As bad as it was, I was feeling pretty good. Susan had brought a bottle of tequila with her. It's amazing what a few tequila shots will do for one's perception of a good time.

In the first part i just simplified your sentence a bit by spliting it up and getting rid of some of those odd turns of phrase. I feel matches the mood of your story punching it up a little, at the same time it still sounds casual.

I knocked out the second beat because it seemed a little too repeditive. Slang is cool but if you use it too much it sounds forced even if it is just the way you talk. The though you threw in there wasnt realy needed. Even though it reads a little bit choppily my way i think it builds to the punchline about the perception of a good time better.

Ok so thats all pretty easily fixed. The other thing that i would have liked would be to give us a little more detail about what you were feeling while you were getting fucked by them. I know you were going for that kind of drunken haze of pleasure feeling, and you can keep that, but i think it could be more exciting if we had a little more detail.

it could look something like

I was lost in a haze of alcohol and lust my body was on fire as hands roamed everywere. My nipples tingled from the fingers tugging on them. The hard cock raming into me turned me into a crazed woman my hips bucking and writhing under it.

Anyway give it another reading and i think you could turn it into something great.

spryo

Ps i loved your pics as i am sure you could guess. There isnt much left that hasnt been said already so i will leave it there. It did give me an idea for a story though stay tuned.

 

[Adam Rightmann]

I read your story (and looked at your pics, wow!) and it has a lot of potential if you flesh it out. It can still be non-consensual, but you'd have to get rid of the passing out part, or at least write more about what happens before passing out.

I suppose waking up with another guy in you works, too.

Thanks,

Adam

 

[Salaczar34567]

hot story

that story was hot...how'd u like to party wit me sumtime? haha, seriously wit sum polishing up this story could be a classic