Part 2 of A Very Personal Assistant

[RachelPost]

https://literotica.com/s/a-very-personal-assistant-pt-02

My new story is a continuation of Hannah and Katie. Hannah is exposed to new sexual experiences. The ending provides an opportunity for part three, which is already in progress.

If you would be so kind as to read, I welcome constructive criticism. Thank you.
Rachel Post

 

[yowser]

I didn't read the first chapter so obviously missed an introduction to the characters, so this reaction is that of a reader arriving in mid-epic more or less. Also, didn't do a deep read, but here are some thoughts:

Overall mechanics are sound, far better than average here. You move things along, for the most part pacing is good, the characters certainly appealing.

I thought your intro to this chapter would have been better by beginning with a scene of some sort rather than an exposition. Multi-chapter works encounter this as a repeating issue, how to introduce the protagonists without going over everything excessively. But I think if you had begun with a scene, even as trivial as driving in a car, brushing teeth, something that starts the reader with a visual and also a clue as to what this character Katie is like before going into the long discursive bit about her role at the company, etc. etc. If I have a picture of some sort in my mind (what sort of person is this Katie?) then the going gets easier.

This is also a way to perhaps introduce a quirk or telling detail of Katie that can serve to let me, the reader, snap into focus continually during the story. Ah yes, she has that unruly eyebrow, that edge to her voice when she says certain things, a certain attitude, something distinctive.

The sex was fine if a bit over the top and a little too perfect. Might you be able to zoom in and out a bit? Put a little more emotional meat on the bones? I get tired if certain words get repeated too often (passionate in this case.) The show-not-tell business has enduring value.

A few places I thought needed a little closer handling, such as:

It was clear that Hannah had never experienced an orgasm that powerful.

You do some showing here in followup, but I'd be careful with those sorts of sentences. If you can do a little micro-dive into Hannah's previous experience here, that might let the reader get a greater insight into what seems an important element of your saga.

Good story, likeable characters, I think you have a good foundation. If you can tease out and reveal some details, physical, emotional, or cultural, of your folks, I think that would be excellent going forward.

Only other advice, fairly standard, is to be aware of alternating scenes, one lighter, one more in-depth, vary lengths and altering sentence and paragraph structures to keep things lively and interesting. Good luck.

 

[RachelPost]

I didn't read the first chapter so obviously missed an introduction to the characters, so this reaction is that of a reader arriving in mid-epic more or less. Also, didn't do a deep read, but here are some thoughts:

Yowser,
Thank you very much for taking the time to read my story. Without honest, constructive criticism, I cannot improve my writing.

The intro is actually word for word from the end of chapter 1. I will have to think more about the intro for chapter 3.

I admit that there are words that get repeated too often. However, there's the danger of sounding like a walking thesaurus. It's something that I need to find a balance.

Hannah is a sheltered young woman. In part 1, she gets an introduction to the joys of sex. Throughout the series, including the next/final chapter, Katie has been guiding Hannah through a variety of sexual experiences. You may be right about putting more emotional content, but I felt there was enough emotion without it becoming repetitive and too many adjectives.

Again, thank you for your comments.

 

[8letters]

I read all of chapter two and some of chapter one. I liked chapter one more. It had a lot more of what was going on in the characters' heads. Chapter two was more of a play-by-play description of the sex. The lack of emotional response left me feeling cold at times. In the seventh paragraph, Katie tells Hannah, "I love you." Was Katie using that as a euphemism for how sexually attracted she was to Hannah or did she mean that she was feeling strong romantic feelings for Hannah? It should be obvious, but it wasn't. There's no emotional response by either to that statement.

My main advice would be to give more depth to your characters. Where do Katie and Hannah each see this relationship going? How does this fit into their other goals? What are their anxieties? How does Katie complete Hannah and vice versa?

 

[RachelPost]

Thank you for your feedback. You raise some interesting questions. I need to think about them as I write chapter 3.
Rachel

 

[countdowntolov3]

I have two notes. One is a critique, one is straight praise. Please consider that I'm not really qualified to give English lessons. So take from my opinions only what you want to.

---

First, if you'll humor me, open up your story and ctrl+f for the world "told" so that all the uses of it highlight. You'll see a lot of them. Especially at the beginning.

For me, this got monotonous. Not just because of the word repetition (I'm not just suggesting you break out the thesaurus here). "Told" also lends itself to un-sequenced actions. Lets look at an example:

Katie told Hannah to try something. "Go to one of the water jets and let it spray on your pussy." She turned Hannah around so she was facing the side of the pool.

This could be written more directly.

"Go to one of the water jets and let it spray on your pussy," said Katie. She turned Hannah around so she was facing the side of the pool.

If you now highlight for the word "said" you'll find very very few uses of it. This is unusual. In most fiction you'll find many many uses of "said" and very few of "told." (Yes "said" can be replaced by tags like "whispered" and "asked", but you still don't do a lot of tagging that way.)

For me, this pattern makes the prose flow uncomfortably. Or, rather, it prevents it from flowing. When I read,

Katie told Hannah to try something.

I'm being told that something has already happened. It's a temporal whiplash. It sets me up to anticipate what that thing might have been. This builds suspense. Which sounds like a good thing. And it sometimes is. But in your specific case you're very often immediately resolving that suspense by supplying that thing in the next sentence.

Katie told Hannah to try something. "Go to one of the water jets and let it spray on your pussy."

Anticipation. Release.

A powerful tool. But you're using it very very often. And building only small amounts of anticipation. So I'm not feeling much excitement from the release. Instead of a rollercoaster it feels more like hitting a pothole. And, there is a consequence to all these potholes; they prevent your prose from just flowing.

It's interesting that for this orgasm sequence, you kind of did the opposite.

The orgasm that hit was overwhelming. It seemed that every nerve in her body exploded with pleasure all at the same time.

The juices from her pussy felt like red-hot lava. Her nipples ached but cried for more. She squirmed and thrashed around so much she fell off the ledge and splashed into the water. Her eyes were still glazed over as Kelly helped her keep her balance.

"Holy mother... damn... what the hell was that?" It was clear that Hannah had never experienced an orgasm that powerful. She clung to Kelly and had an irresistible urge to kiss her. After a rather passionate kiss, she turned to Katie and kissed her. "And you too."

You announce that an orgasm happened. And then describe the associated sensations. This pattern robs us of anticipation. It's like having the ending of the story spoiled. To be honest, I think the above snippet works far better if we do nothing but re-order the paragraphs so that the orgasm paragraph is in the middle.

To summarize: I think you are using some of the literary techniques that build tension backwards. To my eye you are stilting the bulk of your prose to build micro-tensions that do not excite the reader. And at the same time you are missing opportunities to apply the technique where it might be effective.

-----

I hope that was helpful. Again, it's only my perspective. Now let me now tell you what I liked!

This story hits its stride when you have the action (sexy sexy action) interspersed with dialogue. Fortunately, this is most of the runtime.

I love how much you keep the characters talking while they're fucking. And even though I was complaining about you not making use of the "said" dialogue tag, you actually need it only rarely. Usually your dialogue blends in with the descriptive prose seamlessly and with no tags most cases. This is fun and quick and exciting to read. I hope you preserve this about your style. From a mechanics standpoint, dialogue heavy sex is hard to do, and you're making it look easy. I definitely took some notes and I'm hoping my next piece has more sexy-quippy-action because of it!

5 stars and followed. Looking forward to seeing more of your work!

 

[RachelPost]

Countdowntolov3
Thank you for taking the time to provide constructive criticism of my story. I do think my writing has improved since my first story published here. I have tried to learn from the constructive advice given to me, while not getting too upset by the anonymous trashings. It makes me want to keep writing, and hopefully growing as I do.

It's amazing how much different this is from writing op-eds or teaching articles for industry-centered journals. Or even how it's a different world from research journal articles. A lot more fun, although not so financially rewarding. Thanks again
Rachel

 

[countdowntolov3]

It's amazing how much different this is from writing op-eds or teaching articles for industry-centered journals.

It really is! I do a lot of semi-technical writing for my job. Not like explicitly formal. But the kind of thing where you want lists and to be boring and consistent with how you present information. Feels like a totally different skill set.