Parents

[ragdoll2992]

I just moved back home, due to money issues, in my last semester of college. I'm 21, and have been dating a guy a few months( but we were friends a long time first). My parents WILL NOT allow him to sleep over in my bed. They let a previous boy sleep over a few years ago(when they thought i was still a virgin). They had a change of heart and recently created a no boys overnight rule.
I understand that it's their house, their rules. So ive been spending some weekends up at his house, his parents love me/don't mind me staying over. My parents want to meet the boy. he lives 3 hours away. so driving to meet my parents and back in the same day is doable, but alittle ridiculous. The boy refuses to sleep on our couch downstairs, while my family sleeps upstairs in beds. I don't blame him.
My parents say they don't want me having sex in their house, this is the reasoning behind their rule. I have never had sex in the house, and do not plan on it, thin walls, and just wierd with them in the other bedroom. I want them to meet him, he's a nice boy, never been in trouble, going to graduate college and I'd like to move closer to him after we graduate in may. Is there any way I can talk to them and convince them that I have no intentions of having sex in their house, and that i just want them to spend time with him. Or am I stuck?
They've tried very hard to shelter me, i'm not allowed to go out to bars, or drink (when i'm home). and I haven't done anything to make them not trust me. I haven't sat down and directly talked about the issue, I wanted to plan my approach first.
I did suggest we drive halfway and meet at a resturant for dinner. My parents don't want to be bothered.
I would appreciate any suggestions.

 

[ecstaticsub]

How about you sleep on the couch and he sleeps in your bed? To be honest though I think it is a little immature of him to refuse to sleep on the couch. He should do it out of respect for your parent's wishes.

It is their house. When you can afford your own home you can make the rules.

JMHO

 

[cfuhrer]

I feel your pain. Once my boyfriend came over for dinner and my mother wouldnt even let us go to my room to spend the evening together. No intention of sex on our part either.

What if you both split a hotel room?

 

[Chicklet]

Splurge on a hotel room for the night.

Your boyfriend is not being as understanding as he should be, in my opinion. I think that he ought to appreciate that your parents will let him stay over at all.

The hotel room would be my first suggestion if you can't get any of the stubborn people in your life to give, and my second suggestion would be having your boyfriend invite your parents up to his place to meet him. Offer them an air mattress in the livingroom, and the two of you can share a bed at his place.

 

[UNREGISTERED]

* * *

 

[SaraClarisse]

The boy refuses to sleep on our couch downstairs

That phrase put me on alert. If he loves you, is worthy of you, and wants to build a good relationship with your family, he can surely do the honorable thing and sleep on the sofa for the night.

If the sofa is truly uncomfortable, buy him an air mattress. If his problem is that he's downstairs while everyone else is comfy-cozy upstairs (which sounds strange and childish to me), then I agree with ecstaticsub: you take the couch while he snuggles into your bedroom. (And you: start thinking about finding a true good guy who understands parental squeamishness about their little girl getting it on in their home.)

Or, yes, split the cost of an inexpensive hotel room.

My parents used to make my long-distance boyfriends sleep in the house next door! No lie. We used it for storage most of the time. The shower was cruddy with minerals, the mattress was foam, and the heating was questionable, but they did provide cocoa, coffee, and snacks.

The one time a fellow expressed refusal to sleep next door when I told him the rules before a visit - stating that he'd feel "unwelcome" - I broke the relationship off. I'd been feeling leery about him anyway, about his pushiness and pressure.

The boyfriends and I did manage a bit of discreet fooling around in the house next door, but I actually welcomed the space when I went to my own room at the end of the day. Gave me time to think about what was happening, where things were going, and what I wanted.

 

[Calvin]

In my opinion, your parents need to wake up (and grow up). Your 21 and can legally do everything they can. In other words, your an adult and not a child that needs "rules" to conform to. Setting rules such as they have will only serve to potentially alienate you or your boyfriend. Not to mention that it is silly. Clearly they know you will sleep with him at some point. It sounds like they are still hung up with being in control.
However, talking with them might help. At the very least you would really know where they stand but the not being willing to drive an hour and a half makes a pretty strong statement as to how much they care.

 

[lushlucid]

I agree i think both of them are being kinda stubborn about it. Your parents sound very very strict, not letting you drink? You're 21 for cryin out loud.

It sucks that he lives so far away, you'll either have to really get across to your parents that you want them to put some effort in because you really have strong feelings for this guy and get them to travel the distance or your boy will have to grow up and sleep on the damn couch.

I have slept on the couch before while my boy slept in the bed because i didn't want him to drive home tired.

 

[ragdoll2992]

Okay, so i know sleeping on the couch isn't really that bad. and it's looking like he's gonna have to man up and do it. lol.
I guess what's really bothering me about the situation is that when i was younger my parents let my then boyfriend sleep over without a problem. Now they that i'm a few years older they decided I can't. The only reason that my mom has given me was that they don't want me having sex in their house.
I guess it's just that i don't understand their reasoning. Or maybe i do, i just don't agree with it.

 

[CasualLurker]

Admittedly I seldom visit here and when I do, almost always lurk....

...however it seems the best all around comprimise is for you to tell your parents your b/f is making a 3 hour drive to meet them (at today's gas prices) and he and you will be staying in a hotal overnight having sex instead of staying in your room just sleeping.

Ask them if they'd like to meet you two for breakfast somewhere the next morning.

1.) You're 21, start setting expectations with your parents, it has to happen sometime.
2.) It's their house. Their rules don't have to makes sense, because....it's their house.

Casual

 

[lushlucid]

It's quite obvious, they didn't think there 18 yr old daughter was having sex now they think that you've been to college and what not n you're too grown up for their liking.

 

[aimouse]

I'd agree with those who say go to a hotel. On one level it says you respect your parents' rules. On another it reminds them that you're an adult & can make your own choices about morality.
It could make them relax their views ... but you need to judge for yourself whether you think they could get more up-tight about it.

However, in my experience, don't expect a satisfactory resolution to this one ... even if you get what you want.
At the age of 38 I have recently been allowed to sleep with my partner in my parents house for the first time. Admittedly we are now married & she is pregnant, so there is little doubt we've had sex.
But as my parents are in their 70s/80s they now sleeping in separate beds, so they donated us their double bed ... which is SO weird! (And not a little uncomfortable.)

 

[PertPerth]

Sorry, but I'm one of the people who think that : It's their house, their rules. No one is allowed to smoke in my house - not even my mother. In her house, I stick to her rules.
You're an adult - and so is your boyfriend. You have to learn to respect other peoples views and learn to find a workable situation. I am assuming that your boyfriend feels uncomfortable in your parents house - and THAT is the reason he doesn't want to spend the night on the sofa. The living room is a very public place to sleep.
The only thing I can think of is to spend more time at his place until he's met your parents a few times and is comfortable with their house rules.

 

[elib257]

My mum and dad were the same until we had been going out a least a few months and they had got to know him.

Has he met them at all? Making the effort to at least meet them if not get to know them would show them (and you) that he was serious about the relationship which might lead to a change in circumstances.

I like the idea of getting a hotel room together but that seems to be a temporary fix when in reality if this is going to be a long term relationship the end goal is to have him sleep in your bed - defying your parent's wishes (that you don't sleep with him) so blatantly does not bode well for their acceptance of him.

I suggest that everything you want to happen will happen in good time, just be patient and play by their rules for now.

 

[SweetErika]

Neither of our parents, nor Hubby's grandparents, let us sleep together until we were close to marriage, even though we were living together well before that.

We sucked it up and respected their wishes for the week or so at a time we were in their homes because we wanted to stay in their good graces. That paid off in earning their respect and they loosened the rules a little as time went on.

Plus, we have lots of fond memories of stealing moments to fool around when we were alone. When you're in a long term, live-in relationship and see each other all the time, those moments can be few and far between, so it's fun to look back on them.

Hopefully you're not referring to this guy as a "boy" in front of your parents. That could contribute to them feeling you two aren't adult or responsible enough to sleep in the same room/bed and not have sex. Speaking of that, maybe they'd let him sleep on your floor on an air mattress or something once he passed the couch test. His unwillingness to try that shows a lack of maturity and respect (unless, like me, he has some condition that precludes him from sleeping on a couch, in which case he could ask to sleep in your bed or get himself a room nearby), so be careful with him. I think having him in the house IS a test indeed--that they want to see him behave on their turf for more than a few hours--so that's why they're unwilling to meet him halfway for dinner.

Maybe your money woes and needing to move back home made them think you need protection or they shouldn't encourage you to be in a serious relationship. Parents are weird that way. All you can do is be grateful they're letting you stay there and want to meet him and hope the rules will loosen up once they see what kind of guy he is. At that point, maybe you can invest in a good air bed (a queen Aerobed can be had for under $100, about the cost of a hotel room with taxes) and ask if you can sleep in separate beds in your room with the door open or something.

So, basically, put yourself in their shoes, and suggest compromises from there in time.

 

[EjAcKuLaToR]

If you mean anything to your boyfriend, he would be HAPPY to sleep on your couch or your picnic table outside or in the oven. I think that your folks would probably relax their rules if they got to know him a bit. But he isn't getting a "free" pass from them. I don't blame them. It IS their house, you ARE their daughter and if my daughter's b/f wasn't willing to sleep on a couch for ONE FUCKING NIGHT for her, then I'd really question his whiny-ass motives.

Seriously. You need to evaluate whether this relationship is worth staying in if he sets the limit of what he will do for you at sleeping on a couch for one fucking night.

I think he's an idiot. If he was a good guy, he'd step up to the plate, take a hit for the team (GLADLY), be a man about it and try to win your folks over. Instead, he's being a pussy and causing strife between you and your parents.

He's not a good guy in my view. And from the looks of it, many others here. Please understand that I'm sure my words sound harsh, but I do feel the need to be totally honest, albeit a little bit brutally honest.

Get a guy who would die a million deaths for you.

Jack

 

[EjAcKuLaToR]

This is really pissing me off. YOU GUYS ARE YOUNG. He can drive 3 hours, spend the entire day with you and drive 3 hours back. BIG DEAL! Why would he hesitate over that? The idea that it would provide him a source of hesitation is beyond belief in my opinion.


The more I think of this, I really think you need a new dude who is a MAN.

 

[TBKahuna123]

I think one thing he might have to realize is that this doesn't have to turn into a pissing contest between your parents and him. Your parents have every right not to let him sleep with you in your bed in their house, and this wouldn't have anything to do with how they feel about him personally. Just because they let some other guy do it doesn't mean they don't regret that decision and haven't changed their minds. My wife's folks had similar rules, even though they liked me just fine, it was just what they believed. To be honest, I'd have the same ideals with my kids, regardless of how old they might be. It's a sense of propriety thing, and whether your boyfriend likes it or not, he has to respect it.

The other fact is, if he does respect it, without fighting or grumbling about it, he will earn their respect. Respect given results in respect earned. Sure sleeping in the basement sucks, but what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. It doesn't have to be a dominance thing, it isn't "letting them win", if that's what he thinks. Respect their rules, and what goes around comes around.

 

[tigervixen]

Under the age of 18, I can see saying "no way in hell a boy is sleeping over"

Over the age of 18...I can see letting my daughter have her partner over. Of course, it's going to be a very long time before I have to worry about it.

And you're 21 years old. Not being allowed to go to bars or drink is a load. Not saying your parents aren't good people, just a little uptight. Mine are the same way. I'm almost 29. Thank God I have my own place though.

Their house, their rules though. If it were me, I'd be getting out ASAP and working on saving money so I could afford a place to live.

 

[SweetErika]

And you're 21 years old. Not being allowed to go to bars or drink is a load. Not saying your parents aren't good people, just a little uptight. Mine are the same way. I'm almost 29. Thank God I have my own place though.

Maybe that rule isn't related to her age or their home, it's for financial reasons. Alcohol and going out to bars is expensive, and if they suspect her financial difficulties were caused in part by pissing money away on frivolous things like alcohol instead of room and board, it makes perfect sense for them to not allow her to do the same while they're supporting her. Or, maybe they just want her to save her money so she can move out as soon as she graduates.

I don't know if that's the case or not, but it's one possibility for that rule. I can't say I'd do differently if it were the case.

 

[alyse]

Wow, I'm sorry but I have to agree, your boyfriend needs to man up! My parents have the same rule, and I respect it when I go to their house. If you want freedom, move out! Then you can do whatever you want.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

It sounds to me like both your man and your parents are trying to apportion blame and this meeting is at stalemate.

You parents probably feel that you have taken your eye off the ball with money and maybe your studies too, because you have been seeing this guy. They probably hold the guy responsible for turning your head when you are supposed to be focusing on college.

He must know that they don't like him. The fact they 'can't be bothered' to meet halfway for a meal is rude and dismissive. I'm not surprised he's got offended. He sees your parent's offer of the couch as grudging and unwelcoming rather than an expression of wishes they would have had even if they thought they would really like him.

So neither wants to back down and lose face.

I agree with others though, it's the boyfriend who needs a reality check. He should quit being petty and focus on building bridges. If he angers your parents enough, they may never accept him.

My ex was Portuguese and I live in the UK. His parents spoke no English and were quite elderly. They did not approve of me as a girlfriend as I am not catholic. They once came over from Portugal and I knew I'd have to face the music. When I met them however, I had learned some basic Portuguese and did not spend the night at his place for the duration of their stay out of courtesy. Yes, he would have liked me to stay but I knew they'd be pissed off and it would have soured the whole visit. Bottom line is, parents have to be won over, not fought with.

I agree with others that your man's thoughtlessly combative stance is putting you in the middle of all this needlessly. He does sound whiny and petulant. He doesn't have to like your folks or vice-versa but he should be making an effort to at least get along. He may turn out not to be the guy for you.

 

[kimbernee]

I'm dating someone now with a young adult daughter living at home during school breaks. She's not allowed to have her BF over so she stays at his place most nights. He bitches and moans about how he never sees her because she's always at her BF's and I say, why wouldn't she be? They're welcome there, not here.

In other words, your parents' policy has it's own negative results. Suck it up one time so they can meet him and see he's not the devil (because expecting to have him sleep in your bed the very day they've met him really is a bit much). Then if that's still how they feel, go to his place every weekend where you're both welcome. Your parents aren't required to welcome him but you're not required to be where he's not welcome.

Oh, and get your own place. It puts an end to a lot of these "but I'm a grown up now" arguments. Technically you're not a grown up until you grow up.

 

[schwiner]

Hey Ragdoll, sounds like you need a real man..i'm single

 

[subwannabe]

I think your parents are being too old fashioned and strict and I think you and your boyfriend are being too immature and not respectful enough of your parents. No matter what you say or do, you are not going to change their minds. You are obviously not grown up enough to be on your own yet with your own rules or you would be there already and not living with your parents. You should be grateful you are able to live with them at this period of your life and respect their wishes and their rules and I would think twice about the quality of your boyfriend if he can't suck it up in someone else's house and accept their rules. He can either get his own place, drive the 3 hours back home, or pay for a hotel himself. I'm guessing he is at a place in his life where most of these aren't an option, which means he hasn't grown up to adulthood yet either.

P.S. I have some experience in this matter as when I was dating my current wife, she lived with her mother and I would pay for a hotel for us while I visited. I don't think her mother even brought it up, we just did it out of respect without being asked.