Parenting Advice

[SpecialKay62]

I ask because I think you're all forward thinkers...and I think it's funny that this is on the heels of Ericka's "Overbearing Mother" thread, but anyway...

My son (oldest of 3 boys) is 18 and just finished his first semester of college. Fraught with teenaged angst and armed with said semester, he's been acting like a complete dick since he got home 3 days before Christmas. He's also a pot-head. We've all (or most of us anyway) been pot-heads at some point in our lives, I suppose I can see him through this, but I gotta say: I CAN'T STAND THIS KID! He's extremely smart, things just go his way, and he's taking all that life is handing him and pissing it out the window.

I'm tempted to send him back to college right NOW but I fear that's enabling him to continue on his path of self-destruction. Basically, he sleeps all day and stays up all night and gets high to sleep, gets high to wake up, drives under the influence (MY CARS!!) and is behaving like a toddler. He told me I don't know him and I don't treat him like an adult. Well, try actiing like one!

Okay, this is turning into a vent, but I think you get the picture. What should I do or say to get his attention without alienating him? I should also mention that my anger is shutting me down and I have a big attitude and a passive agressive demeanor. I know it's wrong, but I can't fix it right now....

Any advice on any of this craziness is appreciated...from current parents of almost-adults, from almost-adults and from pot-heads of all ages...

Thanks in advance

 

[pwr2theblondes]

I am not a parent but one thing I would do is deny him the privilege of driving your car. I have driven high before and it can be dangerous at times . What if he was to be pulled over for speeding, not maintining his lane or something of the sort? He could recieve jail time, fines, or probation. Legal trouble is not something anyone needs and I'm sure you don't want your car damaged. Why don't you make him take drug tests in the future? My parents don't pay for my college because I have scholarships but I am certain that if I was coming home stoned and they were paying for it that they'd stop helping me out. How are his grades? The pot might not be a huge issue if he is making good grades but getting high could be affecting his study habits or his class attendance. You say he's been acting like a "dick"..you should demand him to respect you (you are his mother after all). He is a grown boy but you are still his parent, he is still living with you (at the moment) and you deserve his respect.

 

[viper2000]

Be honest be direct he wants to be treated like an adult treat him like one and sometimes being treated like an adult sucks. Also driving under the influence is extremely dangerous and just because you were all pot heads at some point doesn't make it right and he can be different. Be honest be direct at 18 we all think we know everything but we don`t. Don`t let it slide and just be angry. Make him pay bills give responsibility like an adult. He wants to drive your cars make him pay fuel and some costs.

 

[favoritesgoddess]

He's 18 and legally he's an adult. Maybe sit down with him and go over what it is you provide for him--a grown man--and what you expect in return. (As in the speech I got: "We'll pay for college provided your GPA stays over a 3.4." My parents were quite clear about their unwillingness to pay for me to goof off.) It's part of being an adult. Once you're not longer a child, if you want a roof over your head, or wheels, or a degree, or whatever, it'll cost you.

I suspect how pissed he'll be would depend on the level of his current sense of entitlement.

The part about not wanting to alienate him hits home, though. My dad's girlfriend has a grown son (in his 40's) who cannot get his life together because he just doesn't have to. He's never had to. My dad won't let him come by the house because every time he does he's just there to get money from her. She's so afraid that if she doesn't catch him every time he falls that he'll stop loving her, when in truth she should have let him hit rock bottom long, long before now. I'm pretty sure at this point that it's too late for either of them to change their patterns since it's all they've ever known as mother and son, but I suspect 18 isn't too old for your son to learn that his behavior has consequences, and that eventually he's going to have to learn to fly on his own.

Sorry you're going through a rough patch with this one. Hopefully the other two are taking notes and are going to go easy on you when their time comes.

 

[qrayze]

Sounds like he has an issue with respect; no respect for you, himself, or the other drivers on the road.

Also, smoking pot is still illegal no matter how many ppl do it. Just thought I'd add that.

He's 18, and considered by the U.S. government to be an adult; you no longer "have" to provide him with food and shelter. If he wants to be treated like an adult, make him pay room and board. Also, if he thinks driving while being high is what a responsible adult would do, then tell him once he has his own car, he can drive it high, but not your cars.

You need to have the mindset of everybody in the house follows the same rules, no exceptions. If he doesn't want to be a team player, he can go stay at friends house...but there will be rules there too.

People who feel they are the exception and don't have to follow the rules and laws become narcissists. And with you being a passive aggressive, it's like a match made in Hell.

Stand up for yourself, demand respect, set some boundaries, and don't fear what his reaction will be.

 

[tinawill77]

I'm not sure the "if you want to be treated as an adult, you're going to have to start acting like one" speech will work. He probably thinks because he's older and a legal adult, he should be treated as such. When you think back to when you were a teenager, did this speech really have any affect on you?

Where does he get the money to buy pot? Maybe he needs a dose of adult responsibility like bills and rent to realize how well he had it before.

 

[zont]

I agree with all of the above, and PM'ed you a message about what I did in similar circumstances.

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

it's called "responsibility"

Make the kids responsible for his decisions. Do not let him drive your vehicles, do not feed him, do not give him money, do not enable his drinking and drug use. Kinda hate to ask but how did he learn to be an ass? He is an ass because he's allowed to be and it pays off as he has what he needs, no problem. It'll be tough but you can do it.

 

[fuckmeat]

I am not a parent but one thing I would do is deny him the privilege of driving your car. I have driven high before and it can be dangerous at times . What if he was to be pulled over for speeding, not maintining his lane or something of the sort? He could recieve jail time, fines, or probation. Legal trouble is not something anyone needs and I'm sure you don't want your car damaged. Why don't you make him take drug tests in the future? My parents don't pay for my college because I have scholarships but I am certain that if I was coming home stoned and they were paying for it that they'd stop helping me out. How are his grades? The pot might not be a huge issue if he is making good grades but getting high could be affecting his study habits or his class attendance. You say he's been acting like a "dick"..you should demand him to respect you (you are his mother after all). He is a grown boy but you are still his parent, he is still living with you (at the moment) and you deserve his respect.

Never mind what he could face for being caught driving poorly/high. This arrogant little shit could kill someone. A young, relatively inexperienced driver + any kind of drug, be it alcohol, pot or whatever = a fucking catastrophe. DO NOT let him drive your vehicles. How do you think the police will see it when you bleat "I told him not to drive stoned!" as though he was ever going to listen? As the owner of the vehicle and the mother of the stoned driver you'll ultimately bear some responsibility, as you should.

The fact that you're here asking how to handle this suggests to me that your son has a long history of walking all over you. The bottom line is that only you can draw the lines, set the boundaries and enforce them. Doesn't matter if he's 18 months old or 18 years old, if clear boundaries and expectations (like the GPA or quitting pot) are set for him with serious consequences for failure, if these boundaries are stuck to and consequences are followed through, he will moderate his behaviour. He might be a little shit but as I'm sure you know, he's not fucking stupid.

 

[SweetErika]

I ask because I think you're all forward thinkers...and I think it's funny that this is on the heels of Ericka's "Overbearing Mother" thread, but anyway...

My mom NEVER would have tolerated illegal drug use or impaired driving. I would have been out of the house with no financial or other support for either offense. She loves me unconditionally, but she would never tolerate such irresponsibility, and I'm a good person because I grew up with clear rules and consequences that she always followed through on.

I'm tempted to send him back to college right NOW but I fear that's enabling him to continue on his path of self-destruction. Basically, he sleeps all day and stays up all night and gets high to sleep, gets high to wake up, drives under the influence (MY CARS!!) and is behaving like a toddler. He told me I don't know him and I don't treat him like an adult. Well, try actiing like one!

Go for it. Send him out of the house with no support or vehicle. Tell him when he starts acting like a responsible adult and earns back your trust through good behavior, grades and clean drug tests, you'll be happy to reassess the situation and start supporting his educational pursuits again. Say it, then FOLLOW THROUGH. The biggest mistake you can make is making idle threats or going back on your promises. That just shows him he can manipulate you, and likely everyone else.

Okay, this is turning into a vent, but I think you get the picture. What should I do or say to get his attention without alienating him? I should also mention that my anger is shutting me down and I have a big attitude and a passive agressive demeanor. I know it's wrong, but I can't fix it right now....

Write down your rules. Make a contract with him that includes clear points (e.g. You must submit to random drug/alcohol testing and have clean results to have a vehicle. You must maintain a 3.2 GPA for us to pay your college expenses and provide you with a vehicle. You must pay your own insurance, gas and incidental expenses monthly. If you get into legal or financial trouble, we will not bail you out. If you choose to move home, we will make a contract outlining the household rules, and you will be responsible for 1/3 of the household expenses monthly.), have both of you sign it and keep a copy. If the contract is violated.

The beauty of a written contract is emotions don't have to come into play at all. It's just a document that tells him what he can expect from you.

Never mind what he could face for being caught driving poorly/high. This arrogant little shit could kill someone. A young, relatively inexperienced driver + any kind of drug, be it alcohol, pot or whatever = a fucking catastrophe. DO NOT let him drive your vehicles. How do you think the police will see it when you bleat "I told him not to drive stoned!" as though he was ever going to listen? As the owner of the vehicle and the mother of the stoned driver you'll ultimately bear some responsibility, as you should.

The fact that you're here asking how to handle this suggests to me that your son has a long history of walking all over you. The bottom line is that only you can draw the lines, set the boundaries and enforce them. Doesn't matter if he's 18 months old or 18 years old, if clear boundaries and expectations (like the GPA or quitting pot) are set for him with serious consequences for failure, if these boundaries are stuck to and consequences are followed through, he will moderate his behaviour. He might be a little shit but as I'm sure you know, he's not fucking stupid.

Exactly. Have you really, really thought about how you would feel if your pothead injured or killed someone in your vehicle? Could you live with yourself? I know I couldn't.

 

[SpecialKay62]

Thank you to everyone who took the time and consideration to reply. You all have given me a lot to think about and I am grateful for being smacked in the face with reality. Sometimes, when you're in a situation, you can't see it so well, so it's good to let someone else have a glimpse. Since my post, I have also talked with a really good friend who knows us all and I have a better control of my emotions so that I can talk with him without them coming into play.

You're all correct, he does absolutely need some conditions and some responsibility going forward. He finished the semester with a 3.8 so I can't grind him too much about grades. These were a lot of freshmen classes, so maybe the grade/tuition connection will come into play next semester. He's already been told that we won't pay for him to slack off at school, so he is at least adhering to that.

Further, the car thing, which is a really big issue is STOPPING right now. I am simply going to tell him that he can't drive any of our cars because I cannot be certain he won't drive high. Simply stated and unemotional. That will definitely get his attention. He doesn't have a car at school, so I don't have that do deal with.

Of course I have considered the consequences of him driving UTI. If for no other reason, it's my duty to protect others from his behavior. So we're done with that.

I really am grateful for all you pointing out what I already know. It's the same thing I'd say to myself!

 

[bumlicker]

ok listen up people!!!

pot is no where near as dangerous as alchahol, unless twinkie droppings all over the car count as dangerous. as far as the kid goes hes 18 let him stay there and nothinng else period. he wants money? get a job? gas aint free neithers weed. he wants the car? get a job insurance isnt free last i heard. he wants to take out his girlfriend to movies? get a job. stop enabling him do things you dont want him doing he wants anything from you get a job!!!!

 

[SpecialKay62]

Update

We were having a discussion today, a reasonable one, and I explained that I didn't condone his lifestyle and would no longer enable it. Before I said another thing, he told me he wants to see a therapist, get some help and turn his life around before something bad happens. He said he's doing drugs for all the wrong reasons and doesn't want to continue to live like this. He made an appointment for tomorrow. I am hopeful.

 

[Dribble]

Now comes the tough part. It is critical that you step back and let him do this next phase. However, that doesn't mean you shouldn't say wow...I'm glad you are thinking like this...I'm proud of you for having the courage to look at how your choices could have serious implications on life.

 

[fuckmeat]

We were having a discussion today, a reasonable one, and I explained that I didn't condone his lifestyle and would no longer enable it. Before I said another thing, he told me he wants to see a therapist, get some help and turn his life around before something bad happens. He said he's doing drugs for all the wrong reasons and doesn't want to continue to live like this. He made an appointment for tomorrow. I am hopeful.

I hope he's sincere and follows through on that. Be aware though that he may see therapy as a way to get you off of his back about his lifestyle. Regardless of whether you can afford to fund therapy for him, find a way in which he can contribute towards that. Whether it's a part time job to keep him out of trouble or some chores around your house, it's important that he learns to respect what you (and/or his father) have worked hard for.

Also consider whether this is the best time for him to continue with college. There'll be bad influences there and his grades may suffer as he tries to kick his vices and deal with whatever emotional issues he has. Can he maybe take a semester out to pull himself together?

 

[Dribble]

Counseling is available at any university free of charge to students...it is part of the fees you pay.

 

[SweetErika]

We were having a discussion today, a reasonable one, and I explained that I didn't condone his lifestyle and would no longer enable it. Before I said another thing, he told me he wants to see a therapist, get some help and turn his life around before something bad happens. He said he's doing drugs for all the wrong reasons and doesn't want to continue to live like this. He made an appointment for tomorrow. I am hopeful.

That sounds like a step in the right direction.

Do you know what else, if anything, he's into besides pot and alcohol? Is it possible he needs drug treatment?

I hope he's sincere and follows through on that. Be aware though that he may see therapy as a way to get you off of his back about his lifestyle. Regardless of whether you can afford to fund therapy for him, find a way in which he can contribute towards that. Whether it's a part time job to keep him out of trouble or some chores around your house, it's important that he learns to respect what you (and/or his father) have worked hard for.

Also consider whether this is the best time for him to continue with college. There'll be bad influences there and his grades may suffer as he tries to kick his vices and deal with whatever emotional issues he has. Can he maybe take a semester out to pull himself together?

More great advice, FM. He's probably more likely to take the therapy seriously if he has to contribute to funding it in one or more ways.

A happy medium between pulling out and taking a full load might be to take one or a few classes at your local community/junior college while he gets the help he needs. That might enable him to work and get him out of his typical environment as well.

My husband's boss is a recovering addict and staying away from the people and places that trigger(ed) him has been a critical component of his recovery. He's even had to relearn how to have sex sober because sex was so enmeshed with his addiction; the drugs made him want sex, and sex made him want the drugs.

Counseling is available at any university free of charge to students...it is part of the fees you pay.

At my school, the free counseling was done by grad students (the the sessions were recorded so their supervisors could review them), and there wasn't focused help for any specific issue, like addiction. It was fine for stress and more superficial stuff, but I wouldn't recommend relying on it for anything major.

It might be something to look into, but make sure your son is actually getting the specific type of help he needs for his individual problems. Maybe he needs more intensive help now, but he could continue following up with a therapist at school or whatever in the future.

 

[dollface007]

Is he living in the dorms? If he is headed back to school, you may want to consider changing his living situation. I know it's not hard to find drugs anywhere on a college campus, but I certainly know that there were party dorms and non-party dorms where I went to school. There may even be sober housing options. It might just get him exposed to other kids who aren't getting high all the damn time. If he likes school, I wouldn't recommend pulling him out. That could make things worse. However, if you truly feel he's not ready to be on his own, you may need to intervene. There's no point in wasting tuition money and precious brain cells on another semester when he's high every day.

FYI, I am not a parent, I just have a little brother who's a pothead college drop out. My parents had no idea what to do and were very hands-off about the whole situation. I wish they had been firmer with him...

Also, I am not against pot smokers. To each his/her own (unless I'm paying your bills). I just don't like the direction my brother's life is going.

 

[Mac98]

I don't consider myself a pothead (though my mother would argue that to her death...) but from experience, most heavy consumers consume to hide something. Your son probably has something (or several different things) that he feels are too hard to look at and uses marijuana as an escape. I would consider sitting down with him and having a mother to son talk. Chat with him with no accusations or anything.

Get him to start talking and trusting you. That would be my advice. If you try dictating by taking away privileges, he'll react in a passive aggressive way and neither of you will end up being happy and odds are he'll be even more shut down and reclusive.

He's your son. Get through to him and find out what the underlying problem is... or find someone who can.

 

[username_69]

I"m glad to hear he has asked for help. That is a great first step!

Now, if I may be somewhat cold and bold...act like your son's parent as opposed to his friend. Parenting is a hard job and sometimes difficult decisions need to be made even if we don't like making them. If he is dependent upon you, which it appears he is, your rules are the rules he follows or he can fend for himself. Tough love is called tough because it's tough but loving. Good luck!

 

[subwannabe]

Great advice. One thing I don't think anyone mentioned, as far as the driving goes, if he is driving your car under your insurance, you are liable for whatever happens. If he kills someone the family can come after you and go after your money, house, or other assets. This is even true even if he gets into an accident when he's not high. It's chance most all parents take, I'm actually taking it now myself, but, driving under the influence should be a deal breaker. I'm glad you stood up to him on that issue. I also wouldn't let him do or have any illegal drugs in your home. If he does it somewhere else else and then comes home, that is a different issue. In closing, I would say so far it seems to be going fairly well so you probably need to step back and just observe, but don't eliminate the possibility that he gave you a line of crap, hoping you would feel better about it all.

 

[billrichards41]

How are things going for your son?