I don't know if this has been covered before, but I feel like I need some help.
I think I'm addicted to methamphetamine. I'm high on it right now and I'm just worried I'm becoming a huge addict. I mean, how do you tell when you are truely addicted? I don't do it every day, just once or twice a week, sometimes less if I get occupied with friends, which is rare since I don't have many friends. Sometimes I do cycles for exams though (a cycle is when you redose every few hours for a few days (up to 10 or so) until your tolerance becomes so high that it's just not worth it to continue as it would cost too much or be a waste, or you 'crash' and fall asleep. Also known as getting 'spun'. I can go quite a while without it, the longest has probably been about two weeks or so without any at all and I never have cravings (maybe I can go without it long enough to break my psychological addiction?), but it's always on my mind. I'm always thinking about where I put my crystal meth/shards/dope/ice/glass/(whatever you want to call it), I freak out when I forget where I placed it, I think about how much is left, how much money I have to spend when I run out, where I'm going to get some more money if I don't have the money, where people are in my apartment (location wise) encase they might steal it (I don't hide it well since cops tear places apart all the way to the atom when they're looking for drugs, no reason to hide it well since they will definitely find it if they want to). It doesn't help that this entire apartment complex of like 30 buildings has drugs coursing through it (the hispanics sell crack in a building next to me, I won't touch that though, and there are two methamphetamine dealers here). I even sold a few school books back to the bookstore this week to get money, granted I didn't need them ever again since I passed the courses and they had nothing to do with my major, just standard "all university core curriculum" (required courses). Then I spent $45 out of the $60 I got from my book buy-back money, I saved the other $20 for later, and I bought methamphetamine with the $45 even though I've already spent $50 earlier this week. Then I accidently dropped about a third to a half of the methamphetamine crystals onto the capret which prompted me to quickly get down on the floor with a knife for an hour to get back as much as I could, but I didn't get back much since the crystals were very small and fell through the fibers. The fibers also had a crystalline like shine as well which made it very difficult to search for the crystals (not that any of this matters, but it shows my state of mind lately). I actually couldn't try the new dope out because I felt so uncomfortable and miserable after losing so much of it and wasting my money. Stuff like this is making me worry about myself. Lately I've even been contemplating making it. Although I know I definetely won't ever do that, partly because I can't afford setting up a clandestine lab but mostly because I don't find prison appealing. Not that I would be selling it because I don't believe in distributing impure 'kitchen top' drugs which could be harmful or lethal if done incorrectly, just self supply... but still, you can understand what I'm saying. There is no way I would do this, but the thought has been crossing my mind in either case. You can tell I do methamphetamine if you look close enough though because I tend to make lacerations on my finger tips and thumb tips with my finger nails and thumb nails when I circle my thumb around my four conjoined fingers (like a nervous tick some people have but it's induced by the methampetamine). edit - I scrape my thumb nail over the four finger tips on each hand, then I scrape the four finger nails over the thumb tip on each hand. Each hand is seperate, my thumbs rotating in a circular like fashion around my four fingers on each hand. Then after a few times of doing that I reverse the order, I scrape my four finger nails across my thumb tip, then my thumb nail across my four finger tips... something about symmetry soothes me when I do this. Then my fingertips start to sweat a lot. This has me worried too, my finger tips are looking pretty chewed up and red now.
I know a guy who's a college drop-out that administers methamphetamine to himself multiple times a day intravenously. He has Hepatitis A or B (I forget which, but it's the less severe one) because he only uses needles to adminster meth and sometimes they're dirty and infected (I've watched him shoot up a few times out of curiosity). His ankle is probably broken as he can barely walk on it, it's crooked, and it's swollen to the size of a grape fruit, but he won't go into the doctors because he has warrants out for his arrest. The guy's even anorexic because he does methamphetamine so much (methamphetamine is an appetite suppressant as well as a CNS (central nervous system) stimulant for those who don't know). I'm just scared to death I'm going to end up like him and I really don't want to. Not that I'm judging him because I think I'm on the same road, I'm just saying. I mean I've never used a needle, I've just taken it orally, smoked it, and insufflated it. But what if I get to the point where I administer it intravenously to get high because the other methods don't work as well as they used to anymore? Then I would definetely be addicted because I have a phobia of needles, only an addiction could overcome my fear of needles... They really creep me out with all the stabbing and blood and moving under the skin *shivers*. Just about two hours ago I snorted a gigantic line (probably twice what an occasional user would insufflate or about three times as much as a new user would insufflate) because that's the only way I can reach the same level of euphoria and stimulation as I could before. Smoking usually requires a little smaller of a dose, but I don't have my pipe. I'm pretty healthy, I eat plenty and I eat healthy and I take suppliments (I take extra of some specific ones since methamphetamine lowers the level of a few chemical compounds in your body, although I can't remember which offhand). It also tends to rot your teeth, so I brush, use floss, and mouthwash to try and prevent that. So other than the very small lacerations on my finger tips it doesn't look like I'm a user (which is good since I see my parents once or twice a month).
I'm in college with pretty decent grades that only dipped the spring semester of last year because my ex broke up with me after nearly three years of being together and I had a horrible time dealing with it (first serious relationship I've had), might have increased my methamphetamine use as well. And my parents have high expectations of me. The only reason I started using this stuff was to stay up for a few days in a row to study and take my midterms/finals. The only other person (in real life) that knows about this is my very best friend whom I've known for nearly 15 years (since we were just knee high and barely out of diapers)(edit - I just told another real life friend that I've known for 5 years while re-reading my post again, but he had to work). My best friend moved to Georgia to be with his (now) wife and new daughter though, so he's 1,400 miles away from me. He got pretty fucked over and nearly died from drugs when he was a year or two younger than I am now (I'm 19). I know he's stuck in a dilemma and can't decide whether to tell my parents or his mom or not. I want to talk to him about this... But I just can never bring myself to do it. I'll call him up to talk about it but we'll usually talk about something else because I just don't know what to say. I'm just ashamed I guess. He found out that I do methamphetamine when he called on my previous birthday (July 11th) and I was drunk and rambling... I feel sick to my stomach knowing I put this burden on him because I know he cares for me a lot, we consider eachother brothers since we're only childs (although I have 5 half-siblings, I rarely ever see them and I'm not close to them like I am with my friend). I seem to be able to talk about this more when I'm on methamphetamine than when I'm not like right now, too bad he's asleep or getting ready for work right now (I've been reading, writing, and revising this for a few hours now).
I just feel awful and I'm still not even sure if I'm really addicted, although from reading my own post over and over again I think I am. I know methamphetamine isn't physically addictive, but it is very psychologically addictive. And I never crave it like you would crave a cigarette, but I think about it a lot, almost as if it consumes my thoughts. I guess I just need a little advice on where to start. Should I tell my parents? Or should I just talk to my best friend who will undoubtedly tell his mom and then she would tell my parents. My parents and my friend's mom have such a high and innocent view of me and they think I would never do drugs (and truth be told this is the only one I really do, I've tried a few other but only once), I just don't want to hurt them and make them think less of me. I also really don't want to go to drug rehab and fall behind a semester in college. I just want this to end without a lot of hassle and a lot of attention from the people who love me. I already feel bad enough that my friend knows, like I'm a defect and I can't do the right thing and all he can do is watch in disgust and sorrow because I couldn't learn from his mistakes... Maybe I should just talk to one of those hotlines or to people I don't know (like you).
I don't know right now, but thanks for anything you have to say...
.
I've been re-reading this thread for about an hour/hour and a half now trying to get the courage to submit it. I really feel like I need a redose since it's been about 4 hours since my initial infufflation of the methamphetamine, but thankfully I'm all out and I don't know who to call to get some more right now. So I guess I'll just come down. I think I should watch Requiem for a Dream again, that always motivates me to stop methamphetamine for a few days. Such a sad movie about drug addiction... Such a good message...
Thank you ever so much again and I'm grateful for any... I dunno, understanding that you have I guess. Not understanding for my problem, but the fact that I want help.
edit - I'm editing this quite a bit because I'm pretty nervous posting this. I'll include an "edit - " if I change anything major. Most changes are just corrections in spelling and grammar though. Sorry for any confusion.
I think I'm addicted to methamphetamine. I'm high on it right now and I'm just worried I'm becoming a huge addict. I mean, how do you tell when you are truely addicted? I don't do it every day, just once or twice a week, sometimes less if I get occupied with friends, which is rare since I don't have many friends. Sometimes I do cycles for exams though (a cycle is when you redose every few hours for a few days (up to 10 or so) until your tolerance becomes so high that it's just not worth it to continue as it would cost too much or be a waste, or you 'crash' and fall asleep. Also known as getting 'spun'. I can go quite a while without it, the longest has probably been about two weeks or so without any at all and I never have cravings (maybe I can go without it long enough to break my psychological addiction?), but it's always on my mind. I'm always thinking about where I put my crystal meth/shards/dope/ice/glass/(whatever you want to call it), I freak out when I forget where I placed it, I think about how much is left, how much money I have to spend when I run out, where I'm going to get some more money if I don't have the money, where people are in my apartment (location wise) encase they might steal it (I don't hide it well since cops tear places apart all the way to the atom when they're looking for drugs, no reason to hide it well since they will definitely find it if they want to). It doesn't help that this entire apartment complex of like 30 buildings has drugs coursing through it (the hispanics sell crack in a building next to me, I won't touch that though, and there are two methamphetamine dealers here). I even sold a few school books back to the bookstore this week to get money, granted I didn't need them ever again since I passed the courses and they had nothing to do with my major, just standard "all university core curriculum" (required courses). Then I spent $45 out of the $60 I got from my book buy-back money, I saved the other $20 for later, and I bought methamphetamine with the $45 even though I've already spent $50 earlier this week. Then I accidently dropped about a third to a half of the methamphetamine crystals onto the capret which prompted me to quickly get down on the floor with a knife for an hour to get back as much as I could, but I didn't get back much since the crystals were very small and fell through the fibers. The fibers also had a crystalline like shine as well which made it very difficult to search for the crystals (not that any of this matters, but it shows my state of mind lately). I actually couldn't try the new dope out because I felt so uncomfortable and miserable after losing so much of it and wasting my money. Stuff like this is making me worry about myself. Lately I've even been contemplating making it. Although I know I definetely won't ever do that, partly because I can't afford setting up a clandestine lab but mostly because I don't find prison appealing. Not that I would be selling it because I don't believe in distributing impure 'kitchen top' drugs which could be harmful or lethal if done incorrectly, just self supply... but still, you can understand what I'm saying. There is no way I would do this, but the thought has been crossing my mind in either case. You can tell I do methamphetamine if you look close enough though because I tend to make lacerations on my finger tips and thumb tips with my finger nails and thumb nails when I circle my thumb around my four conjoined fingers (like a nervous tick some people have but it's induced by the methampetamine). edit - I scrape my thumb nail over the four finger tips on each hand, then I scrape the four finger nails over the thumb tip on each hand. Each hand is seperate, my thumbs rotating in a circular like fashion around my four fingers on each hand. Then after a few times of doing that I reverse the order, I scrape my four finger nails across my thumb tip, then my thumb nail across my four finger tips... something about symmetry soothes me when I do this. Then my fingertips start to sweat a lot. This has me worried too, my finger tips are looking pretty chewed up and red now.
I know a guy who's a college drop-out that administers methamphetamine to himself multiple times a day intravenously. He has Hepatitis A or B (I forget which, but it's the less severe one) because he only uses needles to adminster meth and sometimes they're dirty and infected (I've watched him shoot up a few times out of curiosity). His ankle is probably broken as he can barely walk on it, it's crooked, and it's swollen to the size of a grape fruit, but he won't go into the doctors because he has warrants out for his arrest. The guy's even anorexic because he does methamphetamine so much (methamphetamine is an appetite suppressant as well as a CNS (central nervous system) stimulant for those who don't know). I'm just scared to death I'm going to end up like him and I really don't want to. Not that I'm judging him because I think I'm on the same road, I'm just saying. I mean I've never used a needle, I've just taken it orally, smoked it, and insufflated it. But what if I get to the point where I administer it intravenously to get high because the other methods don't work as well as they used to anymore? Then I would definetely be addicted because I have a phobia of needles, only an addiction could overcome my fear of needles... They really creep me out with all the stabbing and blood and moving under the skin *shivers*. Just about two hours ago I snorted a gigantic line (probably twice what an occasional user would insufflate or about three times as much as a new user would insufflate) because that's the only way I can reach the same level of euphoria and stimulation as I could before. Smoking usually requires a little smaller of a dose, but I don't have my pipe. I'm pretty healthy, I eat plenty and I eat healthy and I take suppliments (I take extra of some specific ones since methamphetamine lowers the level of a few chemical compounds in your body, although I can't remember which offhand). It also tends to rot your teeth, so I brush, use floss, and mouthwash to try and prevent that. So other than the very small lacerations on my finger tips it doesn't look like I'm a user (which is good since I see my parents once or twice a month).
I'm in college with pretty decent grades that only dipped the spring semester of last year because my ex broke up with me after nearly three years of being together and I had a horrible time dealing with it (first serious relationship I've had), might have increased my methamphetamine use as well. And my parents have high expectations of me. The only reason I started using this stuff was to stay up for a few days in a row to study and take my midterms/finals. The only other person (in real life) that knows about this is my very best friend whom I've known for nearly 15 years (since we were just knee high and barely out of diapers)(edit - I just told another real life friend that I've known for 5 years while re-reading my post again, but he had to work). My best friend moved to Georgia to be with his (now) wife and new daughter though, so he's 1,400 miles away from me. He got pretty fucked over and nearly died from drugs when he was a year or two younger than I am now (I'm 19). I know he's stuck in a dilemma and can't decide whether to tell my parents or his mom or not. I want to talk to him about this... But I just can never bring myself to do it. I'll call him up to talk about it but we'll usually talk about something else because I just don't know what to say. I'm just ashamed I guess. He found out that I do methamphetamine when he called on my previous birthday (July 11th) and I was drunk and rambling... I feel sick to my stomach knowing I put this burden on him because I know he cares for me a lot, we consider eachother brothers since we're only childs (although I have 5 half-siblings, I rarely ever see them and I'm not close to them like I am with my friend). I seem to be able to talk about this more when I'm on methamphetamine than when I'm not like right now, too bad he's asleep or getting ready for work right now (I've been reading, writing, and revising this for a few hours now).
I just feel awful and I'm still not even sure if I'm really addicted, although from reading my own post over and over again I think I am. I know methamphetamine isn't physically addictive, but it is very psychologically addictive. And I never crave it like you would crave a cigarette, but I think about it a lot, almost as if it consumes my thoughts. I guess I just need a little advice on where to start. Should I tell my parents? Or should I just talk to my best friend who will undoubtedly tell his mom and then she would tell my parents. My parents and my friend's mom have such a high and innocent view of me and they think I would never do drugs (and truth be told this is the only one I really do, I've tried a few other but only once), I just don't want to hurt them and make them think less of me. I also really don't want to go to drug rehab and fall behind a semester in college. I just want this to end without a lot of hassle and a lot of attention from the people who love me. I already feel bad enough that my friend knows, like I'm a defect and I can't do the right thing and all he can do is watch in disgust and sorrow because I couldn't learn from his mistakes... Maybe I should just talk to one of those hotlines or to people I don't know (like you).
I don't know right now, but thanks for anything you have to say...
. I've been re-reading this thread for about an hour/hour and a half now trying to get the courage to submit it. I really feel like I need a redose since it's been about 4 hours since my initial infufflation of the methamphetamine, but thankfully I'm all out and I don't know who to call to get some more right now. So I guess I'll just come down. I think I should watch Requiem for a Dream again, that always motivates me to stop methamphetamine for a few days. Such a sad movie about drug addiction... Such a good message...
Thank you ever so much again and I'm grateful for any... I dunno, understanding that you have I guess. Not understanding for my problem, but the fact that I want help.
edit - I'm editing this quite a bit because I'm pretty nervous posting this. I'll include an "edit - " if I change anything major. Most changes are just corrections in spelling and grammar though. Sorry for any confusion.
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