Over the top? Cringe-inducing?

[FINLEYDIXON]

I'm worried I've taken the metaphor too far here. I don't want it to pull the reader out of the story:

I've adjusted to make the scene accessible to more people.

Levi placed a hand on the crown of Jude's head. The warmth of [their] mouth startled his body with unimagined pleasure. He shivered. The slurp of Jude's lips, the stroke of [their] firm hand, pulled Levi to the clouds like a supersonic jet threatening the sound barrier, ripping the sky to shreds with a boom.

 

[alohadave]

It's a little purple, but if it's just the one sentence like that, it's fine. It's a dramatic moment, so being a little over the top isn't the end of the world.

 

[ElectricBlue]

A little over the top, yes. A swooning kiss doesn't really conjure up a supersonic aircraft, does it?

"Slurp" of lips? Not sure about that, either.

 

[VerbalAbuse]

Cringe-inducing, you are not mistaken.​

 

[FINLEYDIXON]

Oh, yeah, if we’re thinking their lips are kissing, it’s definitely too much. I can see why that would be unclear without context, but only one pair of lips are involved.

Glad I got feedback, thanks.

 

[mildlyaroused]

I don't think it's so much the fact that it's too intense. It can be intense. The bigger issue in my eyes is the fact that a supersonic aircraft is not a very romantic or erotic metaphor. You can keep the energy of the metaphor, but maybe make the image something more associative with romance or the sensory experience.

 

[AlinaX]

... a supersonic jet teasing the sound barrier ...

ETA:
... a supersonic jet teasing the sound barrier, threatening to rip the sky apart with a colossal boom.

 

[AlexBailey]

I’m wondering why [ their ] is in brackets?

 

[VerbalAbuse]

I’m wondering why [ their ] is in brackets?

No, you don't.

 

[Djmac1031]

I'm worried I've taken the metaphor too far here. I don't want it to pull the reader out of the story:

I've adjusted to make the scene accessible to more people.

Levi placed a hand on the crown of Jude's head. The warmth of [their] mouth startled his body with unimagined pleasure. He shivered. The slurp of Jude's lips, the stroke of [their] firm hand, pulled Levi to the clouds like a supersonic jet threatening the sound barrier, ripping the sky to shreds with a boom.

What exactly were Jude's lips slurping again? Because that might help clarify the later sonic boom

 

[FINLEYDIXON]

What exactly were Jude's lips slurping again? Because that might help clarify the later sonic boom

I edited most of it out. The sonic boom was for when he cums.