Out of Reach -Feedback, Please

[Blkhearted1]

Feedback would be appreciated...Thank you.




Out Of Reach

There! Just around the bend, I see him.
Or, in truth, I see a glimpse of him.
Not the reality of him but, the fantasy.
The tease that is him.
I run faster, trying to finally capture, or is it free him? but, he eludes me.
Days go by, turning into weeks and then months
and still... he remains... just out of reach!



========Life is just a dream on the way to death==========

 

[karmadog]

Something bothers me about this poem, but it eludes me.

 

[Blkhearted1]

Well, I suppose some kind of emotional response, however vague, is better than none. Let me know if it you put your finger on the problem.

 

[Senna Jawa]

What is that pseudo-learned, pseudo-sophisticated phrase

        the reality of him

doing in a poem?

A lot of talking in this "Out Of Reach" text, and for all his/her effort the reader gets nothing (nothing interesting) in return.

"Interesting" means "something presented in an interesting way". We got generalities only.

Regards,

 

[desturmur]

Well, I suppose some kind of emotional response, however vague, is better than none. Let me know if it you put your finger on the problem.

Read back over karmadog's post, and you will see what the point they are making is. Would you like a hint? Allude/Elude.

Personally, I found this too short, without really any significant point. I would work on this a LOT more.

 

[WickedEve]

I agree about working on this more. I think you have some good ideas here.

In your first revision (if you do revise) I'd cut out some words. Which words? There are a couple of ways to go about it. Here is one:

There!
Around the bend -
a glimpse, a tease,
not the reality of him.

I run faster
to capture -
or free him?
Elusive!

Days turn to months;
still he remains
just of out of reach.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Here is another:
-------

There!
Around the bend -
a glimpse, a tease.

I run faster
to capture -
or free him?

Days turn to months;
but still he remains
just of out of reach.

-------
It still doesn't have any real significance, but it's just inclusive enough to allow the reader to interpret it in a palpable if personal way.

 

[Blkhearted1]

Thank you, everyone! I have really enjoyed all the feedback! I will take all of the comments to heart and see what kind of tweaking I can do to this piece!

 

[Senna Jawa]

Thank you, everyone! I have really enjoyed all the feedback! I will take all of the comments to heart and see what kind of tweaking I can do to this piece!

Tweaking?

Just junk this text and start writing poems for real.

(Tweaking means moving an inch while you are light years away from poetry).

Good luck,

 

[WickedEve]

Tweaking?

Just junk this text and start writing poems for real.

(Tweaking means moving an inch while you are light years away from poetry).

Good luck,

SJ, you need tweaking. lol

Tweaking is a good place for blkhearted to start. I'm sure he/she was enlightened by the revisions Lauren and I made. So blkhearted, tweak and play around with your poem and see what you can come up with. It's a good place to start.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Actually, I was only revising Eve's revision. That's always a good place to start--she knows what she's talking about.

 

[WickedEve]

Actually, I was only revising Eve's revision. That's always a good place to start--she knows what she's talking about.

You revised my revision? I should tweak you for that.

 

[JUDO]

You revised my revision? I should tweak you for that.

Tweak!

 

[WickedEve]

Tweak!

SJ should be careful with his choice of words. He knows how excited tweaking gets us.

 

[JUDO]

Tweak freak excited,
Burrowing two digits deep
For want of many.

 

[Blkhearted1]

I wonder what could have been said had I used the phrasing...

"Perhaps I will FIDDLE with it". ::chuckles::

 

[Lauren Hynde]

DON'T say it... damn...

 

[karmadog]

Fiddlesticks!!!

I should be more careful with my allusions.

They tend to place me in fantasy worlds.

 

[WickedEve]

I plan to tweak and fiddle very soon.