Out of curiosity...

[KarennaC]

I'm trying to understand this, and I figured this board was a good place to ask. Where's the difference between domination and control?

I used to date a man who often gave me orders. "Submit a story to Literotica, or I'm going to do it for you." (I submitted it, and I'm glad I did.) "You need counseling; you have two days to set up an appointment, or I'm going to search for counselors in your state and set up an appointment for you." (He was right about the counseling; I'd been procrastinating for a few weeks on making an appointment.) I usually did what he asked because I wanted him to be happy with me, but I always felt like I wasn't doing enough, like I wasn't good enough for him.

We aren't seeing each other anymore, but are trying to form and keep a friendship, and I find myself doing the same thing. The other night, he led me into a sexual conversation that ended with his telling me to use my jackrabbit on myself, preferably with my butt plug inserted, then email him the next morning with what thoughts and fantasies were in my mind while I masturbated. Something I'd done for him once before- minus the butt plug- but I refused this time. First of all, it was 1:30 in the morning. Second of all, I'm seeing someone exclusively now, and doing that would have crossed the line into cheating, to me. Then again, the sexual conversation probably crossed that line too...

I keep getting sucked back in with him. I hate when he tells me what to do. I feel like the way he talks to me sometimes is abusive, in the true sense of the word- he once called me a fucked-up bitch because I got angry when he blew up at a friend of mine- and disrespectful, and it infuriates me; I deserve to be treated better. So why do I keep having conversations with him?

I don't know if all this means that I'm submissive and he's Dominant, or if I'm just still messed up from 14 years in an abusive marriage and he's an asshole. I know I don't like how I feel when he acts that way toward me, but I still keep thinking about him.

Control, or domination?

 

[Chicklet]

Control and domination both have meanings within and out of the bdsm lifestyle. And in both cases, the person on the receiving end is the one that in the end gives permission for the 'abuse' to happen.

If you are uncomfortable with what this guy is doing, cut him off. Block him on your messenger, delete him from your phone, cut him off.

I know it's easier said than done, but that's my two cents there = )

 

[sexycaz22]

Yes, I do have to agree with Chicklet here. If you feel uncomfortable with this guy and his actions, then the best way for you is to cut him out, and focus on your new relationship with the new guy.

All the best.

 

[00Syd]

If you don't like how the guy is treating you, or has treated you in the past, than I agree with Chicklet that probably the best thing to do is to just stop talking to him (and also like Chicklet said, easier said than done, I know).

But as to the control/domination question... I'm not sure. There is a lot of cross over of meanings and implications. Both terms can mean very different things to different people.

Its a hard question.

 

[KarennaC]

Thanks for the advice, everyone.

Stopping talking to him would probably be best. I don't want to hurt him, but I have to put myself first sometime... It is easier said than done; I was in an abusive marriage for 14 years, and being treated that way is familiar even if I don't like it.

I think I've given tacit permission by not telling him to stop and not severing communication, but it isn't something we talked about, and certainly not intended to be part of the relationship or friendship.

 

[otter09]

Karen

Karen put your feelings first and listen to your heart and you will be fine

 

[h_i_s]

.....

 

[Marquis]

Hi Karen, I think the first thing you need to do is come to terms with the fact that you are in control of your own actions and no one is responsible for you but yourself. It's not enough to just nod in agreement with that statement, it is something you need to really internalize and believe or you are completely undermining your ability to build self esteem.

After that, you just have to shit or get off the pot. You haven't mentioned anything that this guy has done that I would consider abusive, but my opinion isn't important. Only you can make that decision for yourself, and I think once you make that determination, the decision of whether to continue contact with him or not will follow naturally.

 

[twysted73]

Hi Karen, I think the first thing you need to do is come to terms with the fact that you are in control of your own actions and no one is responsible for you but yourself. It's not enough to just nod in agreement with that statement, it is something you need to really internalize and believe or you are completely undermining your ability to build self esteem.

After that, you just have to shit or get off the pot. You haven't mentioned anything that this guy has done that I would consider abusive, but my opinion isn't important. Only you can make that decision for yourself, and I think once you make that determination, the decision of whether to continue contact with him or not will follow naturally.

As I read your post I looked over periodically as if it were Barak himself eschewing those words.
Never imagined Obama saying "shit or get off the pot".
I think the debates would certainly be worth watching if they did tho.

Oh, on question.
Yes, you're in control now k. Either roll back into the past you know or cut it away like a cancer and move on to something potentially healthy. But for your own sake pick a path soon.

~Fin

 

[LilyBart]

I don't know if all this means that I'm submissive and he's Dominant, or if I'm just still messed up from 14 years in an abusive marriage and he's an asshole. I know I don't like how I feel when he acts that way toward me, but I still keep thinking about him.

Control, or domination?

I may be off base here, but my gut says that you should resolve the damage from 14 years in an abusive marriage first, before you decide on the domination vs control question. From the brief introduction you've provided, I would surmise that you haven't separated your ex's behavior from that of this man. And honestly, if you really want to be free to explore your sexuality, you need to first deal with the baggage.

It seems to me you haven't set limits with him....ie: you have an exclusive relationship now but haven't made it clear you don't want to cross the line. Does he know you're in an exclusive relationship? And if you are, having conversations of a sexual nature are probably not a great idea. My gut, again, says cut it off. Of course I don't know the whole story, and don't want to presume, but given just these facts, that's what my gut says.

My two cents, anyway....take the best and leave the rest...

 

[the captians wench]

Like Marquis said, only you can decide if it's abuse. If it doesn't feel right to you, then it's probably not right for you.

I had a realationship that was very simular, in that he did things that I might not consider abusive hearing them, but they just didn't feel right to me. When I finally had enough of not feeling good enough, I did a very hard thing and blocked him out. I sent him an im saying that he was going to be blocked from my im, I was marning his number in my phone, and if he so much as thought about knocking on my door then I was going to call the cops.

There was no being friends, I knew that wouldn't work, I would come crawling back to him at the snap of his finger. Infact for those first few weeks to a month after the im telling him to fuck off, I fought the "need" to see him or speak to him. It was hard, one of the hardest things I've done, but it had to be done.

 

[bdsm_librarian]

You may find this link from the BDSM Library useful for garnering additional information KarennaC. You may also find the large listing of 'additional links' adjacent to the topic of Abuse on the main library page of potential interest. These links are offered in the spirit of opportunity to enhance your potential knowledge base, not to dissuade from the ongoing discussion on this thread.

All the best

Additional Link -
Domestic Violence in the S/M Community - Are you being abused ?

 

[LilyBart]

These links are offered in the spirit of opportunity to enhance your potential knowledge base, not to dissuade from the ongoing discussion on this thread.

All the best

Additional Link -
Domestic Violence in the S/M Community - Are you being abused ?

Rebecca, aka BDSM Librarian said what I should have said....my thoughts were meant to enhance your knowledge and not to dissuade any other thoughts.....

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Rebecca, aka BDSM Librarian said what I should have said....my thoughts were meant to enhance your knowledge and not to dissuade any other thoughts.....

: chuckles : I wouldn't sweat it too much LilyBart, in Librarian mode I have to tread very carefully. I am new to the position and have already been challenged a few times for making direct references to resources even though my intent is clearly to assist from a Community perspective. What people chose to assimilate is clearly up to each individual, still it was very kind of you to say

( My apologies for the minor side step from the discussion Karenna )

 

[BlowjobQueen]

BDSM aside, this sounds like a toxic relationship.

If you keep "falling back into it" and it's inhibiting your relationships with other people, perhaps the best would be to remove this man.

 

[KarennaC]

Everyone's saying essentially the same thing, which is what I'd been thinking and trying to avoid. I need to set a boundary with this guy, and unfortunately the boundary may need to be complete cessation of contact. He does know I'm seeing someone, though I haven't told him it's exclusive, which I should have; I just assumed he knew, since he said he knew about the relationship from watching my conversations in a chat room we belong to, and I've mentioned the exclusivity in there several times. However, it was my responsibility to say to him "Sorry, I'm exclusive with the other guy", and I didn't. That may be my first step, to have the limits conversation with him and see if he can stick to the limits when they're spelled out. If not, cut him off. Or maybe I should just cut him off anyway. It's a decision I have to think carefully about. Setting limits is something I'm working on in all areas; I was never allowed to in any part of my life before.

LilyBart, I'm in counseling because of my marriage and of things that happened to me when I was younger. Ironically, the guy this thread is about is the one who finally got me to seek counseling; his exact words were, "You've dealt with a lot, and you're confusing me with your ex. You need to get counseling." (And then the aforementioned statement that if I didn't find myself a counselor, he'd find one for me.) You're absolutely right that I need to resolve those issues; that's why I'm not exploring further whether I'm submissive, because I know at this point, anything I did in that direction would be based on the abuse I went through, and not a healthy BDSM relationship.

Rebecca/librarian, thanks for the links, and no need to apologize for the sidestep

You're all giving me a lot to think about, which is much appreciated!