Opinions are like...

[BooMerengue]

Gold!!! lol

I need opinions on this...

Goin' south


In Knoxville the time
changed; so did I,
when a trucker named Slick
stopped in the rain
and took me down the road.

The day I hit Nashville
I spit the silver spoon
out of my mouth
trading khaki's and Weejuns
for Levi's and Tony Lamas.

When I rolled into Santa Fe
I traded Grammy's pearls
for silver up one arm
and down the other.

Houston laughed and traded
my wine glass for a bottle of Tequila;
then Austin taught my feet
to keep movin on down the line.

In Tupelo I met a cowboy
who taught me about
Southern Comfort as he
pounded the granite out of me,
reshaping me as if I were
soft southern clay.

New Orleans at 3am
I was tired and road weary
when a needle and a night
at Lafittes on Bourbon
taught me a hot new song

slowin me down as I
climbed the mountain to
Chattanooga and looked over
east at the blue haze
calling me home

to a cabin on a mountainside
grey and weathered and whispering
to me of ghosts who laid down
with me. We watched
the sun rise over the Smokies

together
and I knew I was finally
home.

I've reworked this some; before I do anymore with it I thought I'd let others take a shot.

 

[minsue]

I've no talent for editing pomes, especially others', but I just have to say one thing...

Don't change a word of this:

In Tupelo I met a cowboy
who taught me about
Southern Comfort as he
pounded the granite out of me,
reshaping me as if I were
soft southern clay.



I really liked the entire work, but that I simply adore.

 

[Liar]

If it's just opinion you want, my opinion is that it kicks ass.

As for suggestions...none really, just nitpicking.

The break and punctuation between the first two likes read a little odd to me. I think I woulda done like so:

In Knoxville the time changed.
So did I,
when a trucker named Slick

But that's just me.

 

[BooMerengue]

Well, TY, Min... I had fun writing it.

Liar, I thought about that, for the impact, but when I was done, it made the lines look lopsided. I'm still debating that one... Thanks, hon...

 

[My Erotic Tale]

when I was young ...<laughing>
out of the service, I got a quick job truck driving
I seen all of america and then some in two years

this poem took me back down them roads...thanks boo
I agree with liar...this poem kicks ass

 

[Liar]

Another nit-pick:

reshaping me as if I were

as if I was? no?

#L

 

[Guest]

Gold!!! lol

I like this Boo. It has real flavor and honesty in it.

Let's see if I can add two cents that's worth a two bits... and humble ones at that:



Goin' south


In Knoxville the time
changed; so did I,
when a trucker named Slick
stopped in the rain
and took me down the road.

The day I hit Nashville
I spit the silver spoon
out of my mouth
trading khaki's and Weejuns <--- maybe 'traded' ?
for Levi's and Tony Lamas.

When I rolled into Santa Fe
I traded Grammy's pearls
for silver up one arm
and down the other.

Houston laughed and traded
my wine glass for a bottle of Tequila;
then Austin taught my feet
to keep movin on down the line.

'then Austin had my feet' on that 3rd line because you have 'taught' in the stanza following this. And since the 3rd line is slightly different, the 4th might read better if it was slightly altered to 'movin on down the line'

In Tupelo I met a cowboy
who taught me about
Southern Comfort as he
pounded the granite out of me,
reshaping me as if I were <--- maybe 'shaped' ?
soft southern clay.

New Orleans at 3am,
I was tired and road weary
when a needle and a night
at Lafittes on Bourbon
taught me a hot new song

slowin me down as I <--- What is slowin you down?
climbed the mountain to
Chattanooga and looked over
east at the blue haze
calling me home

to a cabin on a mountainside
grey and weathered and whispering <--- Maybe drop one of the ands?
to me of ghosts who laid down
with me. We watched
the sun rise over the Smokies

together
and I knew I was finally
home.

 

[champagne1982]

Boo! This is wonderful, thanks for sharing it. Now, if I were to make suggestions, they would simply reiterate those that neo and Liar have made.

 

[BooMerengue]

I like this Boo. It has real flavor and honesty in it.

Let's see if I can add two cents that's worth a two bits... and humble ones at that:



Goin' south


In Knoxville the time
changed; so did I,
when a trucker named Slick
stopped in the rain
and took me down the road.

The day I hit Nashville
I spit the silver spoon
out of my mouth
traded khaki's and Weejuns
for Levi's and Tony Lamas.

When I rolled into Santa Fe
I traded Grammy's pearls
for silver up one arm
and down the other.

Houston laughed and traded
my wine glass for a bottle of Tequila;
then Austin had my feet
movin on down the line.

In Tupelo I met a cowboy
who taught me about
Southern Comfort as he
pounded the granite out of me,
reshaping me as if I were <--- maybe 'shaped' ?
soft southern clay.

New Orleans at 3am,
I was tired and road weary
when a needle and a night
at Lafittes on Bourbon
taught me a hot new song

slowin me down as I <--- What is slowin you down?
climbed the mountain to
Chattanooga and looked over
east at the blue haze
calling me home

to a cabin on a mountainside
grey and weathered; whispering
to me of ghosts who laid down
with me. We watched
the sun rise over the Smokies

together
and I knew I was finally
home.

I liked all the changes but the two I left. His 'sex' was reshaping me as it happened, and I was hoping the implications of being in New Orleans would have changed my beat from country to jazz... no??

Thank you, Neo!

 

[Liar]

I liked all the changes but the two I left. His 'sex' was reshaping me as it happened, and I was hoping the implications of being in New Orleans would have changed my beat from country to jazz... no??

Angeline might spank me for this but...no. That might be true to some readers, but to me, jazz music is quite far down on the list of things I associate New Orleans with. Even musically. It didn't take anything away from the poem for me though, I bought the passage hook, line and sinker anyway.

#L

 

[sandj]

Quite enjoyed this, but a few things stuck out, snags on an otherwise finely woven cloth. Going to try to find ways to remove the snags without unwinding the the whole thing.

General comment. Geographically, I'm confused by the direction of the poem. I know it's really nitpicky, but I get lost and don't really know where the poem is headed (and maybe that was exactly the point, in which case, nevermind, objective achieved). (After rereading it a couple of times, I've decided that, indeed, this is the whole point, and that I was reading the title of the poem too literally, so it doesn't really matter that New Orleans to Chattanooga is northward instead of south. My apologies. I have edited my comments accordingly.)

Goin' south


In Knoxville the time
changed; so did I,
Sounds like you're refering to time zone change, but the change from Eastern to Central isn't in Knoxville. Knoxville is solidly ETZ. The change is roughly 60 miles west of Knoxville. Good news, the nearest city after the time zone change (traveling west on I-40) is Crossville. You could probably play with "cross" a bit and get something good out of it. Bad news, who actually knows where Crossville is? Knoxville firmly places the reader in a recognizable location, which I think is important if you are going proceed to twist and turn her around. It will be more effective if the reader knows where she is before she gets lost. So, you know, up to you. I might just leave it alone, if it were mine.

when a trucker named Slick
stopped in the rain
and took me down the road.

The day I hit Nashville
I spit the silver spoon
out of my mouth
trading khaki's and Weejuns
for Levi's and Tony Lamas.

When I rolled into Santa Fe
I traded Grammy's pearls
for silver up one arm
and down the other.

Houston laughed and traded
my wine glass for a bottle of Tequila;
then Austin taught my feet
to keep movin on down the line.

In Tupelo I met a cowboy
who taught me about
Southern Comfort as he
pounded the granite out of me,
reshaping me as if I were were--not was--is grammatically correct, subjunctive mood
soft southern clay.

New Orleans at 3am
I was tired and road weary
when a needle and a nightI really like this break, gives the line a good punch

at Lafittes on Bourbon
taught me a hot new song
feels like more is needed to transition from "hot" to "slowin." Hot could mean uptempo, but I get the sense that you're trying more for a heavy, humid heat rather than an energetic, kinetic heat. So how about adding "brass-heavy humid swing" to the end of the stanza. This will accomplish a couple of things. First, ties in with the origins of jazz in NO (tuba instead of string bass). Second, gives a sense of physical weight. Third, slows down the rhythm of the line. "Hot new song" is not exactly a fast clip, but it doesn't slow down your mouth like "brass-heavy humid swing" (or some other phrase, if you choose), and the mouth needs to be slowed down so that when we get to the next stanza, we're already slow. Hope that makes sense. If not, ignore it.

slowin me down as I
climbed the mountain to
Chattanooga and looked over
east at the blue haze
calling me home

to a cabin on a mountainside
grey and weathered and whispering
to me of ghosts who laid down --lay down
with me. We watched
the sun rise over the Smokies

together
and I knew I was finally
home.

Excellent poem, boo. Can't stress that enough. As far as my comments go, take what seems useful to you and leave the rest. It's your poem, so you should do with it what feels right to you.

s

 

[BooMerengue]

I've gone to ponder...

Actually, I was on a plane over Knoxville the very 1st time I came south and the pilot told us to fix our watches. I was hitchin' the 2nd time, and it seemed a better place to do it. Believe me, I know about Crossville... no one wants to hear about it. LOL

I do have to do something else about the 'song slowin' me down' part. A lot of folks are hanging up on that one.

Goin south means a couple things... sort of like gone to seed... gone over the edge... etc. But heading to the Smokies I turned things around...

So I'm gone to ponder...

Thanks, Sandj

 

[Angeline]

Angeline might spank me for this but...no. That might be true to some readers, but to me, jazz music is quite far down on the list of things I associate New Orleans with. Even musically. It didn't take anything away from the poem for me though, I bought the passage hook, line and sinker anyway.

#L

Where's Eve's spanker?

I reviewed Boo's poem a while back and I think it's great, too. (And what I didn't think was great, I said and then she did whatever she wanted lol.) I suggested "If" and "were" instead of "was" because it's a conditional tense of the verb (like sandj said).

So with what, Liar man, do you mainly associate New Orleans? Mardi Gras? Food? Other kultcher? Just wondering.

 

[impressive]

Love it, Boo!

The only thing I can add (nit picky like) that others haven't mentioned is to add an apostrophe when you drop the 'g' in words like slowin'

Very nice work. Kind of has an Indigo Girls feel about it (to me) in a heterosexual kinda way.

 

[Liar]

So with what, Liar man, do you mainly associate New Orleans? Mardi Gras? Food? Other kultcher? Just wondering.

Rooty, cajun folk, balconies, dub, frogs, rum and a goth girl in a blue dress.

's all personal baggage I guess. Love the city, wanna go back.

 

[impressive]

Rooty, cajun folk, balconies, dub, frogs, rum and a goth girl in a blue dress.

's all personal baggage I guess. Love the city, wanna go back.

Don't forget Mardi Gras, vampires, and voo doo.

 

[BooMerengue]

Where's Eve's spanker?

I reviewed Boo's poem a while back and I think it's great, too. (And what I didn't think was great, I said and then she did whatever she wanted lol.) I suggested "If" and "were" instead of "was" because it's a conditional tense of the verb (like sandj said).

So with what, Liar man, do you mainly associate New Orleans? Mardi Gras? Food? Other kultcher? Just wondering.

Ange? I had deleted your PM before I had a chance to make the changes. I wracked my brain... I thought I'd remember what you said... did I screw up? Cuz I agreed with you! lol

Howeverrrrrrrrr... I just got a letter from ThievesJargon accepting the original of this poem. So should I leave well enough alone or send him the Revised Edition???

I think the new one is better...

*biting nails and waiting...

 

[BooMerengue]

Ange? I had deleted your PM before I had a chance to make the changes. I wracked my brain... I thought I'd remember what you said... did I screw up? Cuz I agreed with you! lol

Howeverrrrrrrrr... I just got a letter from ThievesJargon accepting the original of this poem. So should I leave well enough alone or send him the Revised Edition???

I think the new one is better...

*biting nails and waiting...

Goin' south

In Knoxville the time
changed; so did I,
when a trucker named Slick
stopped in the rain
and took me down the road.

The day I hit Nashville
I spit the silver spoon
out of my mouth
traded khaki's and Weejuns
for Levi's and Tony Lamas.

When I rolled into Santa Fe
I traded Grammy's pearls
for silver up one arm
and down the other.

Houston laughed and traded
my wine glass for a bottle of Tequila;
then Austin had my feet
movin on down the line.

In Tupelo I met a cowboy
who taught me about
Southern Comfort as he
pounded the granite out of me,
reshaping me as if I were
soft southern clay.

New Orleans wailin' at 3am,
I was tired and road weary
when a needle and a night
at Lafittes on Bourbon
sizzled the rhythm in my soul

soothin' me as I
climbed the mountain to
Chattanooga and looked over
east at the blue haze
calling me home

to a cabin on a mountainside
grey and weathered; whispering
to me of ghosts who laid down
with me. We watched
the sun rise over the Smokies

together
and I knew I was finally
home.

OK. Thats it, I guess. I think it's finished. Thanks to all of you who helped me with this one- I like it better myself. I'm going to send this one in the old one's place. Cross your fingers!

*edited as I experiment with new fonts...

 

[foehn]

That's the best poem I've ever seen from you. Starts out jogging and ends at a full sprint. A poem that makes me want to *live* it.

 

[BooMerengue]

lol

Hi, Stranger! Ends at a full sprint?? She was supposed to be mellowed out, and just jazzin her way to a full rest. Oh, well... Next poem, maybe. Good to see you! Thanks.