Open letter to long ago

[XXplorher]

Surely no one cares. But I do. So I serve this to myself. (Check the link for context)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2rsdZHcRM9c


“I’m sorry,” can’t ever be enough. You dirty cunt.

I never recovered.


I’ve adjusted virtually everything since then. And that was the wrong thing to do. I was better off to begin with; innocent in my beliefs. But you stole my heart and soul – for a 15minute fuck from another man with a deficient dick.

I’ll never forgive you. It’s affirmed I don’t know how. And it’s crippling me. I’ve been suffering for 25yrs. I am perpetually smashing myself…

…and all just because you are pure negligence. And I am a loyal fool. Unable to properly accept the lessness of others.




Mothers be good to your daughters. And obey the laws of fidelity.

If he ain’t good enough, then tell him so or leave him. Afford him a chance to satisfy your concerns. Be better than a fucking double coupon. Retain your integrity. Never rape away another soul via your own ill-considered actions. Be better than that.

Be greater than whatever pains you.

Do not multiply the poison.

Don’t be a disease.

I fell in love when I was 19yrs old. And she fucked another man when I left her alone for a weekend. It’s stupid and insecure, retarded and demented – but I have never recovered the guy that I was before that happened. I lost him in one weekend away. He’s gone. It’s reformed everything I was meant to be and I have been doing nothing but breaking apart since then. Don’t ever be the SOURCE of that destruction… (yeah, maybe I was broken all along. But don’t set a match to a fire, eh. Let someone else do it if it’s destiny).

I really have just been scratching and clawing since then… ‘Where did my heart go? It can’t be all that far away. Surely it can be recovered. Just as it was. It must be here somewhere. She can’t possibly punt it to an unretrievable distance. It can’t be kicked apart that suddenly…’

But it can be. I’ve been bleeding apart ever since. Long enough to know I’ll always feel like this. I will ALWAYS feel like this. Like half of me. Apart from the rest of me. The part she killed that I stored away safely inside of her.

Yeah, I know, I’m a sick romantic. But trust me, it was far better for all of us when I was only romantic and not so sick. That had a chance. It belonged. Deserved to be held.

I’ve done nothing but kill since then.

If not you – then myself.


-XX

PS Joe. Thanks for helping me never quite feel completely alone with that. This song has always been there. And I greatly appreciate it. Thanks so much. I will continue to try… for resolve.

 

[ivantheterrible]

issues.........................

 

[XdOu™]

issues.........................

my words exactly..

 

[ivantheterrible]

my words exactly..

i'll never let a woman do that to me. i've had a few girlfriends, some serious, some not, been married, and have seriously loved only one woman in my entire life (not the ex wife- yeah, my bad, i'm evil, throw rocks if ya want) but i will never let a woman do that to me emotionally.
get over it, move on.............................

 

[Squibbs]

Aww, the moron had his heart broken.

When he took your dreams, did he take your brain too?

 

[XdOu™]

i'll never let a woman do that to me. i've had a few girlfriends, some serious, some not, been married, and have seriously loved only one woman in my entire life (not the ex wife- yeah, my bad, i'm evil, throw rocks if ya want) but i will never let a woman do that to me emotionally.
get over it, move on.............................

word, i understand you 100percent.

*cosigns*

 

[XXplorher]

That's just it, mate. The dilemma.

Sometimes you don’t have a choice. (It's cool that you refuse the idea you can be had. Or maybe your dick is as perverse as needed to never occur it's meant for one woman, consistently? Good luck w/that over time, eh.)


I’m practical enough to assume all the slapshit at this post. I get it. Maybe that’s fun for you. But I submit…

My balls are gigantic in comparison to your fear. I'm not afraid to expose myself.

You can’t say anything to me that don’t make you look dumb and uninformed. And I’m not looking for your love. As I termed it – love letter to myself, angst upon the bitch, and warning to others. Take whatever you want from it.

I could care less about your approval. That ain’t the effort.

 

[cleaver]

Without such idealistic romance, there'd be no literature. I spit at all of you who cannot read without picking at a wound so obligingly displayed. Vultures on easy carrion. This one asked for no fight. Asked for no pity. Simply expressed.

I cannot give a whit who any of you are or what may prompt you to belittle this letter to long ago. Hurt is hurt and personal is literature. Satire as commentary is cheap and transitory and worst of all, derivative.

I can read of this hurt. It resonates more clearly than most attempts here. We have all experienced betrayal and regret. Empathy, though never in hip-vogue is perhaps more honest than most other reactive irresponses.

Yes. The norm here, is to hip fire some foolie for laughs. Perhaps in conditioning so, many here have forgotten to read. Yeah. Whatever.

 

[XXplorher]

Cleaver

It survives.


I really enjoyed your passionate and accomplished response there. Thatta way to fight for the heart.

It used to be here en force (check my member number).

Nice to see it's still out there/ Fight, baby. Fight for it!!


Back to my Seahawks...

 

[blobfish]

Member number? Can't you just call it "johnson" like everyone else?

 

[XdOu™]

Member number? Can't you just call it "johnson" like everyone else?

loooool

 

[QueenLevitra]

Cleaver

It survives.


I really enjoyed your passionate and accomplished response there. Thatta way to fight for the heart.

It used to be here en force (check my member number).

Nice to see it's still out there/ Fight, baby. Fight for it!!


Back to my Seahawks...

I'm not anywhere near as eloquent as cleaver but I'll attempt:

You have for the past 25 years allowed someone totally unworthy to own you and control your life and happiness. This makes me sad for you.

While you wallow your time is flying. Don't do this to yourself. First love is like first sex, not a 2fer. Everyone experiences both and very few get to keep that first love. No one wants first sex back again.

 

[XXplorher]

Without such idealistic romance, there'd be no literature. I spit at all of you who cannot read without picking at a wound so obligingly displayed. Vultures on easy carrion. This one asked for no fight. Asked for no pity. Simply expressed.

I cannot give a whit who any of you are or what may prompt you to belittle this letter to long ago. Hurt is hurt and personal is literature. Satire as commentary is cheap and transitory and worst of all, derivative.

I can read of this hurt. It resonates more clearly than most attempts here. We have all experienced betrayal and regret. Empathy, though never in hip-vogue is perhaps more honest than most other reactive irresponses.

Yes. The norm here, is to hip fire some foolie for laughs. Perhaps in conditioning so, many here have forgotten to read. Yeah. Whatever.

“…there'd be no literature.”

There would be no literature.

There would be NO Literature.

Pardon me for a moment while I put away my beer and check the name of this site… oh, that’s odd. It appears to call itself Literotica.

Hmmm…

That’s interesting. Is that supposed to mean something? And if it does – what DOES it mean?

It probably means, and this is a guess (lolz), that literature counts.


I need to STFU cuz I’m a lil’ drunk, geeked out about this SEA vs NE game. But it was real encouraging to see some random person just spank the hell out of the enemy like that. I mean, I don’t know if that was easy for you – Cleaver – like maybe you lay waste to all things in a half circle before you, consistently… but I REALLY enjoyed that effort. It most definitely counted. You spent time on your words and... that really counted (in some form we'll not ever define. Thus the reason to do it.)

I needed to see ability like that and tyvm.

Stay the course.



All you other spasm folks can suck it. Duh.

 

[XXplorher]

I'm not anywhere near as eloquent as cleaver but I'll attempt:

You have for the past 25 years allowed someone totally unworthy to own you and control your life and happiness. This makes me sad for you.

While you wallow your time is flying. Don't do this to yourself. First love is like first sex, not a 2fer. Everyone experiences both and very few get to keep that first love. No one wants first sex back again.

My point to make was...

Regardless of anything I can tell my brain and be sure of? I fail it.

It's not under my control as I would prefer it. I've proved that to myself over the last 25yrs. Capishe?

25yrs can't make me right. Something happened and - given my personal kill switch, something no one is responsible other than me - I'm broken. I can't fix it. It's basically not up to me (as I now understand it). I'm simply sharing that disclosure.

I'm probably hoping some random woman will be affected and not ruin a guy like me. Cuz I'm dumb like that. Always have been.

Get it?

 

[XXplorher]

That aint true (above). I was listening to that song and I felt like sharing myself. I didn't do that for anyone other than myself.

I DON'T care what any mockery might have to say to that.

But I do care about the strength it takes to expose what people fear - and the right to vulnerability.

It's real nice to see a couple voices jump in there so aptly.


We won. Unexpectedly. And TY.

 

[warrior queen]

Very brave. Especially doing it here.

I mean, all the men of the gb are incredibly secure in their manliness and masculinity, they only show emotion during ball games and abortion arguements, and they all have ten inch dicks and balls of steel that their women-folk couldn't imagine walking away from

Refreshing to read your personal post. Don't hate the h8ers....

 

[blobfish]

Very brave. Especially doing it here.

I mean, all the men of the gb are incredibly secure in their manliness and masculinity, they only show emotion during ball games and abortion arguements, and they all have ten inch dicks and balls of steel that their women-folk couldn't imagine walking away from

Refreshing to read your personal post. Don't hate the h8ers....

Not all of the men here are like that; Jen never says those sorts of things.

 

[QueenLevitra]

That aint true (above). I was listening to that song and I felt like sharing myself. I didn't do that for anyone other than myself.

I DON'T care what any mockery might have to say to that.

But I do care about the strength it takes to expose what people fear - and the right to vulnerability.

It's real nice to see a couple voices jump in there so aptly.


We won. Unexpectedly. And TY.

Surprisingly, I did get it.

I love Satriani, yet after reading your op I couldn't make it through more than a minute of the utube.

Your writing moved me. I am a reader, not a writer.

:winks:

 

[QueenLevitra]

Very brave. Especially doing it here.

I mean, all the men of the gb are incredibly secure in their manliness and masculinity, they only show emotion during ball games and abortion arguements, and they all have ten inch dicks and balls of steel that their women-folk couldn't imagine walking away from

Refreshing to read your personal post. Don't hate the h8ers....

Men?

You've got the biggest set here.

 

[Numerical_Value]

I was in a long-term relationship from my senior year in high school (Graduated in '09) and it ended in January (due to similar circumstances).

I wasn't exactly sure how to handle myself at the time, but I had good friends and a great support system to help me through. I mean, I am young and I'm not saying that I know everything about love, but when you're 19 and it's basically all you have going for you, it's a hard hurdle to get over. It really sucks. Undeniably feels like everything you know is crumbling around you. Luckily for me, my friends stuck by my side and helped pick me up.

Without a doubt I'll never forget the feelings I had for her or the moments that we shared (or the sexual experiences for that matter) but I had to make myself move on. I'm basically over the entire experience, I can't say that my willingness to trust people so fully is still in tact, but I'm in a better place now.

From someone that can sympathize, I wish you only the best.

 

[XXplorher]

So let me clarify the above in a more sober way (sorta)…

I’m old enough to find myself looking backwards to determine where I am – or why I’m not ‘there’ yet. In this instance, I’m a man who’s failed to achieve most everything I thought I’d go attain. I found understanding, of how things work (and close but perhaps not quite absolute understanding of why things work the way they do), but it doesn’t appear to matter that I wholly recognize the science of human behavior/reason/motivation. The end result is: my personal pursuits have ultimately swung and whiffed.

My brain is real adept at understanding what’s going on – either externally or internally. But it doesn’t matter. I can recognize what’s failed about my own behavior, in general reaction to things - but I’ll do it again. I’ll do it over and over and over. Perpetually.

And the reason is, because a kind of hurt bore into me (succinctly, and sexually) at the age of 19 - that I fear more than anything else on the planet. There’s NOTHING I fear more than consciously choosing someone, who is as random in their selection of me as they are in their loyalty. My ego will not allow me to just see myself as another number. I am NOT another number. I’m a multiple of many. And when you kick me in the balls as only infidelity can… my entire foundation falls apart. The connectivity of my sensibility - obliterates. And due to the 18yrs that came before that 19th, I simply can’t afford that. My ego is necessary. If only for self-preservation.

The fact that I value her any more than she does me… is crushing on an unrecoverable level. (That’s all I really needed to say, actually. Always did need an editor. Sorries.)


Now, I’ve not been mopping around for the last 25yrs. I don’t think it makes a whole lot of sense to post up, “I’ve been moping for 25yrs and I want you to react as if it’s brand new news. Anyone got a nice cotton candy blanky?” I mean, if that’s what I look like then I need a good ass-kicking.

If anything I’ve been over-reacting to my fear and thumping my chest too much (generic human trait. I’m an ape. That’ll never escape us either, eh).

And in no way do I believe I’m unworthy of most anyone.

But the point to make was… IT DOESN’T MATTER!


I can conquer myself intellectually. But I will STILL allow this tragic experience to alter my behavior. There’s no fully controlling it.

Early experiences here at LIT, with personal email exchanges, had me baffled why women perpetuate the source of their unhappiness. My claim was always, ‘You can make claim to your own mind and not allow those past experiences to determine your actions going forward.”

But I was wrong.

And I get it now.

It will ALWAYS be in the way. I was simply naive.


And the only reason to say any of this now – is not for sympathy. (How can sympathy correct what’s broken? It won’t. It has zero chance of doing so. How could that help me? It can’t. And I ain’t asking for it. Like I said initially, ‘Sorry’ don’t mean shit. It’s broken now. There’s no… fucking… coddling me to unbreak it. There’s only obtaining the woman I’ll fairly earn. That’s the only fix. And I doubt I can do that now, cuz I’m not the man I was even a few short years ago. I’m in decline. If I were a woman of the type I most admire and expect to earn? I don’t think I’d be much interested in a man like me, currently. Nope.)

I say it to maybe… just MAYBE…

cause thought to one man or woman before they dip their sex into an unearned… body. Don’t cheat the one you’re with like that.

It’s not a simple thing. And don’t ever treat it as such. It won’t ever be.

It can ruin (or at minimum, massively alter) a person – eternally.


I would love to think I could keep ONE person from such a costly mistake as that.

THAT, would be good use of my time.

Afford good reason to why it happened in the first place, eh.

But that’s just my trip. I used to think I could say shit that might leave a mark.



Hasta

Sorry I’m so verbose. I’ve lost my touch completely. Certainty now escapes me… eh.

 

[XXplorher]

Not to be forgotten (pardon)…

Go listen to the tune at the top of the page.


Truly immense. Go get sum.

 

[eyer]

...I need a good ass-kicking.

You should probably just go with that...

 

[richard_daily]

First world problems.

Surely no one cares. But I do. So I serve this to myself. (Check the link for context)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2rsdZHcRM9c


“I’m sorry,” can’t ever be enough. You dirty cunt.

I never recovered.


I’ve adjusted virtually everything since then. And that was the wrong thing to do. I was better off to begin with; innocent in my beliefs. But you stole my heart and soul – for a 15minute fuck from another man with a deficient dick.

I’ll never forgive you. It’s affirmed I don’t know how. And it’s crippling me. I’ve been suffering for 25yrs. I am perpetually smashing myself…

…and all just because you are pure negligence. And I am a loyal fool. Unable to properly accept the lessness of others.




Mothers be good to your daughters. And obey the laws of fidelity.

If he ain’t good enough, then tell him so or leave him. Afford him a chance to satisfy your concerns. Be better than a fucking double coupon. Retain your integrity. Never rape away another soul via your own ill-considered actions. Be better than that.

Be greater than whatever pains you.

Do not multiply the poison.

Don’t be a disease.

I fell in love when I was 19yrs old. And she fucked another man when I left her alone for a weekend. It’s stupid and insecure, retarded and demented – but I have never recovered the guy that I was before that happened. I lost him in one weekend away. He’s gone. It’s reformed everything I was meant to be and I have been doing nothing but breaking apart since then. Don’t ever be the SOURCE of that destruction… (yeah, maybe I was broken all along. But don’t set a match to a fire, eh. Let someone else do it if it’s destiny).

I really have just been scratching and clawing since then… ‘Where did my heart go? It can’t be all that far away. Surely it can be recovered. Just as it was. It must be here somewhere. She can’t possibly punt it to an unretrievable distance. It can’t be kicked apart that suddenly…’

But it can be. I’ve been bleeding apart ever since. Long enough to know I’ll always feel like this. I will ALWAYS feel like this. Like half of me. Apart from the rest of me. The part she killed that I stored away safely inside of her.

Yeah, I know, I’m a sick romantic. But trust me, it was far better for all of us when I was only romantic and not so sick. That had a chance. It belonged. Deserved to be held.

I’ve done nothing but kill since then.

If not you – then myself.


-XX

PS Joe. Thanks for helping me never quite feel completely alone with that. This song has always been there. And I greatly appreciate it. Thanks so much. I will continue to try… for resolve.

 

[richard_daily]

No seriously... we get it. You were cheated on when you were 19.

Get on with your life... Or don't. It doesn't really matter to me one way or the other.

So let me clarify the above in a more sober way (sorta)…

I’m old enough to find myself looking backwards to determine where I am – or why I’m not ‘there’ yet. In this instance, I’m a man who’s failed to achieve most everything I thought I’d go attain. I found understanding, of how things work (and close but perhaps not quite absolute understanding of why things work the way they do), but it doesn’t appear to matter that I wholly recognize the science of human behavior/reason/motivation. The end result is: my personal pursuits have ultimately swung and whiffed.

My brain is real adept at understanding what’s going on – either externally or internally. But it doesn’t matter. I can recognize what’s failed about my own behavior, in general reaction to things - but I’ll do it again. I’ll do it over and over and over. Perpetually.

And the reason is, because a kind of hurt bore into me (succinctly, and sexually) at the age of 19 - that I fear more than anything else on the planet. There’s NOTHING I fear more than consciously choosing someone, who is as random in their selection of me as they are in their loyalty. My ego will not allow me to just see myself as another number. I am NOT another number. I’m a multiple of many. And when you kick me in the balls as only infidelity can… my entire foundation falls apart. The connectivity of my sensibility - obliterates. And due to the 18yrs that came before that 19th, I simply can’t afford that. My ego is necessary. If only for self-preservation.

The fact that I value her any more than she does me… is crushing on an unrecoverable level. (That’s all I really needed to say, actually. Always did need an editor. Sorries.)


Now, I’ve not been mopping around for the last 25yrs. I don’t think it makes a whole lot of sense to post up, “I’ve been moping for 25yrs and I want you to react as if it’s brand new news. Anyone got a nice cotton candy blanky?” I mean, if that’s what I look like then I need a good ass-kicking.

If anything I’ve been over-reacting to my fear and thumping my chest too much (generic human trait. I’m an ape. That’ll never escape us either, eh).

And in no way do I believe I’m unworthy of most anyone.

But the point to make was… IT DOESN’T MATTER!


I can conquer myself intellectually. But I will STILL allow this tragic experience to alter my behavior. There’s no fully controlling it.

Early experiences here at LIT, with personal email exchanges, had me baffled why women perpetuate the source of their unhappiness. My claim was always, ‘You can make claim to your own mind and not allow those past experiences to determine your actions going forward.”

But I was wrong.

And I get it now.

It will ALWAYS be in the way. I was simply naive.


And the only reason to say any of this now – is not for sympathy. (How can sympathy correct what’s broken? It won’t. It has zero chance of doing so. How could that help me? It can’t. And I ain’t asking for it. Like I said initially, ‘Sorry’ don’t mean shit. It’s broken now. There’s no… fucking… coddling me to unbreak it. There’s only obtaining the woman I’ll fairly earn. That’s the only fix. And I doubt I can do that now, cuz I’m not the man I was even a few short years ago. I’m in decline. If I were a woman of the type I most admire and expect to earn? I don’t think I’d be much interested in a man like me, currently. Nope.)

I say it to maybe… just MAYBE…

cause thought to one man or woman before they dip their sex into an unearned… body. Don’t cheat the one you’re with like that.

It’s not a simple thing. And don’t ever treat it as such. It won’t ever be.

It can ruin (or at minimum, massively alter) a person – eternally.


I would love to think I could keep ONE person from such a costly mistake as that.

THAT, would be good use of my time.

Afford good reason to why it happened in the first place, eh.

But that’s just my trip. I used to think I could say shit that might leave a mark.



Hasta

Sorry I’m so verbose. I’ve lost my touch completely. Certainty now escapes me… eh.