Open for Critique

[KatPurrs]

Open for critique
Ok, have at it. Here's my latest. It's the shortest poem I've written so far. Too short? Or is that a blessing?

Freeze Frame

Much like Karelian photography,
an outline of where he used to be,
where he laid his head,
between my thighs, widely spread,
and in my arms, encircled, shows.

Only then do we connect again.
I activate the Freeze Frame
fearing a summer thaw.

Kat~

 

[Sweetwood]

The dangers of freeze framing

Thank you for this post. I have no comment (and that is a good thing) about form and rhythm.

The content is very interesting! Fearing the summer thaw may be the winterdeath of development. Holding the moment for fear of what comes after and finding it beautiful: lingering bittersweetness and loss of innocence of the joys of evolvement.

Does this make sense?

Sweetwood

 

[WickedEve]

Kat

No, it's not too short! You can say much with a few words.

"I activate the freeze frame
fearing a summer thaw."
I like how you used "freeze" and "thaw" together in this stanza.

May I make this suggestion for the first stanza?

Like energy captured in a Karelian photograph,
an outline of where he used to be,
where he laid his head between my thighs
and in my arms, encircled, shows.

I left out "widely spread." I don't think that's needed. The head is between the thighs, therefore they have to be spread. And "Much like Karelian photography" sounded "hard" to me. After that line, it becomes more smooth and soft. I just think it should start out a little less... blunt.

 

[smithpeter]

I disagree.

I left out "widely spread." I don't think that's needed. The head is between the thighs, therefore they have to be spread. [/B]

Sometimes the thighs may not be widely spread. Perhaps Kat's lover has just consumed a Frozen Fudgecicle. This would cause a sudden clenching of thighs.
A vise like grip upon the head.

 

[WickedEve]

Thank you, smithpeter!

I stand corrected. Spread them wide, kat!!!

 

[KatPurrs]

Sweetwood

If that interpretation brings you pleasure, I'm a happy camper. I want people to take what they can from it and devour it.

Thank you for your comment! Manja!

Kat~

 

[KatPurrs]

Wicked Eve

oooooh Eve! I like your stanza MUCH better! I'll edit it to read your way.

Thanks so much for your kind words.

Kat~

 

[KatPurrs]

smithpeter

The proverbial "cold treatment", eh? I like the way you think!

Oh, and thanks for correcting the spelling from Karelian to Kirlian.
*blush* And would you believe, I looked it up first, let a few days lapse, and went on memory. Uh, am I showing my age again? eeks! LOL

Kat~

 

[WickedEve]

oooooh Eve! I like your stanza MUCH better! I'll edit it to read your way.

Thanks so much for your kind words.

Kat~

Sweet kat, it's a suggestion. And smithpeter did point out the thing about wide spread legs. lol So if you leave your legs spread, then the only thing you may want to consider is using that alternative first line, or something like it.

 

[KatPurrs]

Sweet kat, it's a suggestion. And smithpeter did point out the thing about wide spread legs. lol So if you leave your legs spread, then the only thing you may want to consider is using that alternative first line, or something like it.

Too late. While smithpeter preferred I keep 'em spread, the power of suggestion backfired on him. The fudgecicle did me in!



Kat~

 

[WickedEve]

Kat

I think smithpeter is excited by the thought of his head being trapped in your vise grip! lol
He's probably sucking down Fudgecicles right now!

But seriously, I do like it better without "widely spread" but I don't dislike it with the phrase left in.

Either way, good poem!

 

[smithpeter]

backfired

somehow this discussion makes me smile salaciously.
and that frog, content to lick frozen notions forever.
they grow warmer but no less rigid

 

[KatPurrs]

Re: backfired

somehow this discussion makes me smile salaciously.
and that frog, content to lick frozen notions forever.
they grow warmer but no less rigid

smithpeter! Where'd you go? One minute, you're about to haul your shirt over your head and the next minute, you're gone!

Oh, wait a minute....the barn......

Now smithpeter, you know what they say guys do when they run into the barn, alone, in the middle of the day, last seen getting naked, don't you?

Kat~

 

[Senna Jawa]

KP, I would remove the first word, "Much".

I like Karelian better than Krilian U'r talking about the region of lakes in NW Russia near Finland, don't U? I hope so. Then "Karelian" is correct.

"Energy" in my opinion would destroy the delicate mood of your poem.

As WE has suggested, I would leave "widely spread" out, I would leave it to the reader how wide the thighs r spread (but if U were to keep it then I would replace the phrase by more dynamic "spread wide").

After modifications it will be necessary to check the new version for its melody, which gets easily damaged by changes.

Line "Only then do we connect again" is no poetry and is unnecessary. I would simply remove it.

Good luck, KP,

 

[WickedEve]

Re: Re: backfired

smithpeter! Where'd you go? One minute, you're about to haul your shirt over your head and the next minute, you're gone!

Oh, wait a minute....the barn......

Now smithpeter, you know what they say guys do when they run into the barn, alone, in the middle of the day, last seen getting naked, don't you?

Kat~

I got a peek inside smithpeter's barn.

 

[WickedEve]

kat

It actually does sound better by just removing "much" as SJ suggested.

 

[Senna Jawa]

Re: kat

It actually does sound better by just removing "much" as SJ suggested.

    Here is my old principle:

    Placebo kills poetry

It includes, in one short phrase, many other "rules" well known from instruction texts on poetry. (But the price is that it is not so simple to understand it, appreciate).

Best regards,

 

[KatPurrs]

Senna Jawa

Thank you for your input! I think you and Eve are right....I'll re-edit and remove "Much".

Regarding the proper spelling of that type of photography, (sneaky, huh?) I found both spellings at Google. *sigh* So I'll stick with the one I like best which is the same as yours, Karelian.

I used "widely spread" to rhyme with "head". I just can't bring myself to use "spread wide" because to be grammatically correct, it should be "spread widely" with the adverb ending in "ly" as all good adverbs do. LOL. God, I am so anal at times, poetic license be damned!

Now that I've thought it over, I think using the word "energy" is too blatant. No sense speaking of what I want the reader to get the "essence" of. (eeks! "of" at the end of a sentence?)

I'm going back to what I wrote the first time. Omitting "much" and leaving everything else the same. I like the way "only then do we connect again" sounds and it explains that the freeze frame is to capture the moment of that feeling, that image of when they were connected.

So you know what all this boils down to? For all our effort, I'm removing one freakin' word! LOL

I'm exhausted! Who said poetry was easy! I need a break! SJ, gotta placebo for me?

Kat~

 

[WickedEve]

Gosh, kat! Why do we even try to help you? One word! lol

I'd keep "only then do we connect again" also. You need that to lead into the next line.

Anyway, you spent a day getting advice, and you pretty MUCH end up with the same poem!

 

[Senna Jawa]

Re: Senna Jawa

SJ, gotta placebo for me?

Kat~

Only the real thing, enjoy

The Karelian association is very nice! Makes for a unique poem.

Best regards,

 

[KatPurrs]

Wicked Eve

I know!!!! LOL See if I post here again! LOL!!!

Just kidding, of course. I really appreciate eveyone's response!

Thanks!

Kat~

 

[dark stranger]

enjoyed it ms Kat

must agree the image of spread wide is harsher than the rest ..

perhaps thighs gently spread?

the poem is eroticly pleasureful

enjoyed it

 

[~Dream~]

With Artful's permission,

Very nice poem Kat..i think your poem is quite delicate and agree with eve's suggestion.it makes it feel softer and therefore more erotic ...

 

[KatPurrs]

Re: enjoyed it ms Kat

must agree the image of spread wide is harsher than the rest ..

perhaps thighs gently spread?

the poem is eroticly pleasureful

enjoyed it

Thank you dark stranger. I like the "thighs gently spread" idea.
It is more of what I wanted to convey.

("ms Kat" ...you are such a gentleman!

Kat~

 

[KatPurrs]

Re: With Artful's permission,

Very nice poem Kat..i think your poem is quite delicate and agree with eve's suggestion.it makes it feel softer and therefore more erotic ...

Thank you dream......I guess it's unanimous to soften it up a bit. I appreciate your comment.

So.... subs like it soft too? Well, you know what I mean!

Kat~