Open a closed mind

[Spankytree]

Greetings all. My first post, yay! On to the question. I am currently a very close-minded nineteen year old virgin. To me, the idea of sex at this point is somewhat unstable in my mind. I want to, but on the other hand the fleeting moment of pleasure just doesn't justify all the problems that it can bring. Anyway, I need some advice. I've got this girl that I am very interested in, but the thing that's really setting up the wall is that she's a swinger. At this point, I can't imagine being with someone in a serious relationship if they're off doing other people. So, what are some ways that you would recommend for overcoming this problem? I'm not necessarily saying I want to get into the "lifestyle" as she calls it, but at the moment I can't accept what she does. It bothers me to no end. I've tried getting around it, not thinking about it, and basically any way of avoiding it as possible. Then, I tried confronting it and that certainly didn't go over very well. So, suggestions are welcome. Thanks for the time and the help in advance.

Kain~

 

[wicked woman]

Originally posted by Spankytree
Greetings all. My first post, yay! On to the question. I am currently a very close-minded nineteen year old virgin. To me, the idea of sex at this point is somewhat unstable in my mind. I want to, but on the other hand the fleeting moment of pleasure just doesn't justify all the problems that it can bring. Anyway, I need some advice. I've got this girl that I am very interested in, but the thing that's really setting up the wall is that she's a swinger. At this point, I can't imagine being with someone in a serious relationship if they're off doing other people. So, what are some ways that you would recommend for overcoming this problem? I'm not necessarily saying I want to get into the "lifestyle" as she calls it, but at the moment I can't accept what she does. It bothers me to no end. I've tried getting around it, not thinking about it, and basically any way of avoiding it as possible. Then, I tried confronting it and that certainly didn't go over very well. So, suggestions are welcome. Thanks for the time and the help in advance.

Kain~

Guess my question is why would you want to get your mind around it? You've stated you're not into the life style and she is...seems like a pretty fundamental difference for a long term relationship. I'd suggest keeping this relationship on the friend level instead of trying to change your morals. Call me silly but that's my advice.

 

[I'm Wild Cherry]

Wicked Woman said exactly what I was thinking.

Sorry to not help sway you to change your mind.

 

[Jaybird3]

There has to be sexually capatability to be a relationship in my mind.

There is no way that I would attempt to change your mind.

I would say to you that if you are not comfortable then move on to someone else.

 

[dollface007]

The posts above are all excellent. You should, above all, be true to yourself. I lost my virginity at 19 and I was soooooooooooo ready to lose it! That's mainly b/c i was with someone i really loved and cared about who was devoted only to me. That's what i needed, and it sounds like it's what you need too. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, and you shouldn't settle for this girl who doesn't value you and your sexuality as much as you do. You can't change and be a swinger right now b/c that's not who YOU are. It's what she is.
When the right girl comes along, you will know it, and you will want to make love to her, and you won't have to question yourself.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Its sort of rare to say this to guys, but....you don't have to do anything you aren't comfortable with. No piece of tail is worth compromising who you are. If you get into this, there are 2 things that may happen; either you'll love it, or your hate it...and odds are, you won't be into it, you'll resent her, and you'll end up more 'close minded' than before. The age thing is a big factor...you may be into it in ten years, but there is nothing wrong with not being into it now, and standing by it.

 

[Mysty61]

I agree with everyone else, at this time in your life swinging is not for you, and it very well may never be. There is nothing wrong with that. 0f our total population a very small percentage are swingers. and there is nothing wrong with that either. One thing both swingers and non swingers will tell you is that if both parties are not completely in agreement on the swinging aspect, the relationship is headed for certain major problems. When we look for partners we look for people who share interests, values, ambitions, and many things. Some of these thinks are more important then others, and it varies from person to person. That is why we do not establish a relationship with every person we meet. If we find someone who we are unable to relate to we either do not pursue them, or if we do we soon find everything does not mesh and we move on. It apears this is where you are. You have found someone who you do not fully relate to so it is probably best time to move on, and there is nothing wrong with that. You are young and have a long life ahead of you so find yourself someone who you can relate to, have fun with, and maybe even share your future. There is no reason to spend time with this person trying to establish a relationship that is doomed for failure. You do not want to change, and I doubt she wants to change. If one or the other of you is forced to change to be with the other you will always resent it. So what is the future for you by staying her, or what is the future for her by staying with you?

 

[Bobmi357]

I'm going to go with the flow and tell ya to keep this girl as a "friend" only.

Not being into the "swing" scene isn't really a bad thing. I'm not into it myself, but then I'm greedy, I have no intention of "sharing" my wife with anyone.

From a more fundamental perspective, this is too large a gap to bridge to maintain a long term relationship. If you opt to try to accept it, you may come eventually to resent the girl, if you opt to try to force her to change, she WILL come to resent you. Keep her as a friend and find yourself a nice girl that wants you and you alone.

oh yeah, welcome to Lit.

 

[5pintshefound]

Greetings all. My first post, yay! On to the question. I am currently a very close-minded nineteen year old virgin. To me, the idea of sex at this point is somewhat unstable in my mind. I want to, but on the other hand the fleeting moment of pleasure just doesn't justify all the problems that it can bring. Anyway, I need some advice. I've got this girl that I am very interested in, but the thing that's really setting up the wall is that she's a swinger. At this point, I can't imagine being with someone in a serious relationship if they're off doing other people. So, what are some ways that you would recommend for overcoming this problem? I'm not necessarily saying I want to get into the "lifestyle" as she calls it, but at the moment I can't accept what she does. It bothers me to no end. I've tried getting around it, not thinking about it, and basically any way of avoiding it as possible. Then, I tried confronting it and that certainly didn't go over very well. So, suggestions are welcome. Thanks for the time and the help in advance.

Kain~

ooh hun.. ok, i agree with what everyone else has said.. dont try to start a relationship, with major problems in it from the get go.. its not going to work... im thinking - that your best bet would be to keep it on a friendly level... i lost the big V{the important one} at 19, to the man that is my husband and no matter what, theres always going to be that reminder...."...... i lost my virginity with......" im guessing that its better if its with somebody that you care about, and cares about you, than if its just to do it... just my personal opinions of course
~5PHF

 

[lovechild27]

everyone here is so smart. AS much as you like her it will not work. You dont sound ready to have sex at all. You wont be happy and you will probably end up hurt.

 

[dream_spinner]

Quite simply...it won't work. The two of you are so fundamentally different that losing your virginity could be tragic. My ex was a former swinger, and at that point in my life, I couldn't handle it. He had quit that lifestyle, but it still always bothered me, especially when I ran into some of his old friends online. Now I can see things from his point of view, but it's took me a LOT of time and thought to do so. Wait until you meet someone who's views and lifestyle are more in tune with your own--it'll be worth the wait.

 

[CWatson]

Just as an aside: You don't sound THAT closed-minded. Conservative, maybe; being careful, sure; but CLOSED-MINDED? Until a year ago, one of my closest friends didn't see sex as anything but a Disgusting Body Function (as Bill Watterson puts it) and had no idea why she or ANYONE would engage in it. ...Actually, as far as I can tell, an ex of mine STILL thinks that way. I don't KNOW, because obviously we don't TALK about that anymore, but I don't see why it might have changed. But anyway. My point is that there's a difference. Interest in sex when I was with J (the ex) was just not an option; we didn't talk about it. And if I ever brought it up casually or jokingly, she'd always get a little nervous. She was so disinterested and wary of it that our mutual friends have really started to wonder; it reminds us of the kind of reaction you get from abuse. Of course we don't say that to her.

You, on the other hand, are trying to come to grips with sex. It's in your mind, you aren't ignoring it, you don't shun and avoid it like the plague. So, yep, you could definitely be considered more well-adjusted and less closed-minded. Don't underrate yourself.

 

[Spankytree]

If only such kindness and thought were treated to everyone in the world as you have shown me. The world would be a better place. I thank you all for your opinions and help and I have taken them into serious consideration as I've decided to just remain friends with the girl. Rather than open or close my mind, you have all managed to clear it. And, that is a rare gift to me. Again, thank you all. CWatson especially.

DarK ShadowZ (it's a good thing, I promise)
Kain~

 

[ReadyOne]

If you're willing to have sex with her, I'd do it just for the experience.

What you would need is a mind-set where you tackle this as a learning experience with someone you like, as opposed to "giving youself to your one and only forever" or "cementing a deep relationship". You have to be prepared to let her go, because you realize up front that you probably aren't long term material. Think of it as a shared fun activity with someone you like, like traveling together.

Of course, she is at higher risk health wise because she is probably a partner with mutliple partners. Be careful (read up on safe sex) and you should be OK, but that isn't a 100% guarentee.

Do let her know you're new to it. If she's interested enough in you to keep you as a friend, then she may enjoy "breaking you in". Of course if she's only interested in only casual sex then she may be more interested in a partner who she can get instantly hot and heavy with.

When I was first starting out, and I was a late bloomer, there was a lady a few years older than I who's husband was always gone. We became kind of friends, passing time together, and she subtley offered to take me to bed. Probably really close to a "fuck budy" situtation.

My thinking then was very similar to yours, and I decided not to accept.

Needless to say, I've regretted the situtation because I now realize that I could have learned at least the basics from her plus it would have helped break down the "sex is bad" conditioning from my upbringing. There would have been more than just sexual pleasure in it for me -- If Only!

 

[Meat Whistler]

Kain,

You sound quite mature for your age. I think you know what is the best thing for you. And, I think you should follow your true feelings on the situation.

With that said, I do agree with the above advice - it likely wouldn't work out.

Sincerely,

Italian Goddess