Online is different than offline...

[Kat_]

Hi everyone,

thought I'd ask a non-sex related question here. Does anyone object? No? Cool.

So, obviously, there's this guy. We met online in a piano forum and talked a little, but not so much you could consider it flirting or call us friends. Then there was a board meeting (is that the correct term?) two weeks ago. It was Thursday through Sunday, and he stayed there all four days; I arrived Saturday morning and just stayed over the weekend.

So it just started with some friendly talking about school and other things in the afternoon (he's 19 and a teacher assistant, I'm 18 and just graduated). We sat on the swings away from everyone else and talked for three hours straight. It was great and I felt like we really connected.

Fast forward to 2 am: The whole group had gathered at a pizza place not too far away from the hostel and after paying, we all went back and everyone went to sleep. The guy and I decided we weren't sleepy at all and that we'd stay up for a while longer.

We met up in the lobby a couple of minutes later and first walked through the town for a while, then went back to the swings for a couple of hours, then sat on the bench in front of the swings (shoulder contact, people ), then went back inside when the sun rose because he was getting cold (I had his pullover ). All the while talking about different stuff - music, different countries, family, everything.

We went to my room and sat on the bed for a while, then lay down next to each other. Everyone's clothes remained on, but things got somewhat more intimate... some tickling, my head on his shoulder, his hand in my hair, that sort of stuff. And the conversation got more intimate as well. The topics included my difficulty showing emotion, his melancholy and poems, my messed-up family, our lack of experience regarding dating (we've both Never Been Kissed/had a boyfriend/girlfriend). It was all just so nice and relaxed. No pressure. It was so odd that I'd only known him in person for less than 24 hours, but was already sharing all those personal details.

And the next morning (meaning after a quick shower, because neither of us slept that night), IT WASN'T EVEN AWKWARD. Not in the slightest. Which is great, because once when I got physically close to this one guy, the awkwardness the next morning was so huge I couldn't even talk to him properly, and we haven't really talked ever since. Like I said, I usually suck at communication.

Anyway, in the afternoon, we went back to the swings again and both agreed that the night had been very nice and I learned that he'd never been that close to anyone physically before (except for with his mom when he was a baby, I guess. LOL). We went back and slept in the car a little (a friend was driving us), my head on his shoulder etc. All very neat and hormone-inducing.

So that night, he naturally added me on Skype -- our only means of communication at the moment, as he lives two hours away -- and we've talked every day (more like night) since, and there's some kind of flirting going on, too. Compliments on my head (yeah, my head) and voice and whatnot. A poke war on Facebook, too.

But... I don't know. It's really different from offline communication (duh, I know). Often, neither of us knows what to say and it gets boring. Or he's online all day and so am I but we don't talk. Like today, he said he'd go play the piano at 10 pm or so, and then he was back a while later (which I know because he poked me on Facebook) but didn't message me. Wait, that sounds a little high-school-ish.

Anyway, I guess I just needed to vent about this. Thanks for reading if you've gotten this far! But while you're at it, you could try and give me some advice. Should I just be direct and ask about the nature of our relationship now? As in, do we ever see each other again or what? This is so confusing.

Uhh. Yeah. That's it.

Kat

P.S. Sorry if my grammar sucks. English isn't my first language.

P.P.S. No PMing unless it's on topic, please

 

[Huinkte]

I agree that offline is very different from online. This can be hindrance or an opportunity. You can use this time to really get to know him. Ask him questions about his family, his childhood, his loves, his hates. Anything that focuses on him. When you see something that interests you, continue to ask questions about it. Share information about yourself as you do this.

This is a chance for you to learn what you really want to know. It can start out simple, "I was wondering about..." or "What was your childhood like?" Use yourself as a template and think of what you would want someone to know about you and then ask him.

Online communication can be very intimate. You may ask questions online that you may never ask face to face. Give it a chance, in the end, I think it could work out to be something you didn't expect.

 

[MissTCShore]

Talking to someone online is much different (obviously) than communicating in person. For one thing, there is no body cues and body language going with the conversation. There is no eye contact or glances. So many things add to personal conversation that have nothing to do with words, and these things make person-to-person conversation completely different from written-only conversation.

The other difficulty with online conversation is the fact that you often run out of things to talk about. When you are with someone, you can walk and interact with your environment while waiting for a subject to come up ..... "Oh, that looks like a nice little restaurant. Have you eaten there? What kind of food do you like?" While talking online, you don't have these experiences to share. The conversation often turns into an interrogation session, because all you can think to do is ask questions. Furthermore, if you don't know the person very well, it's more difficult to talk about family and friends that you have in common.

The bottom line is, if you want to pursue this relationship, you need more face-to-face time.

 

[SweetErika]

Are you voice chatting on Skype with video, or just IMing? Have you tried talking on the phone?

If you'd like to get together with him again, you might as well tell him so. Two hours isn't a great distance, particularly if you can meet in the middle or there's something fun you could do together in your area, his, or somewhere else that's accessible to both of you.

You could also tell him that communicating online is difficult and/or very different for you than talking in person. Even use that as a jumping off point to let him know you'd like to see him in person.

Oh, and your English is better than that of most native speakers. I never would have guessed it isn't your first language if you hadn't mentioned it, so you have absolutely nothing to worry about on that front.

 

[Kat_]

Thank you all for your replies!

I decided to go ahead and randomly ask him if we'd see each other again or if "that's it". He said he hoped so.

So all is fine... except now I started thinking, and I'm not sure if he meant that in a "you're just another person I enjoy talking to" way or in a "let's spend the rest of our lives together, yo" way, though. I mean... he has lots of female friends. On the other hand, he did say he'd never been this close to anyone else physically before. (For the record, I have, and it sucked.) But maybe he thinks it was no big deal now? In fact, why am I making such a big deal out of it? Why must life be so complicated, and pancakes so awesome? *explodes in a big ball of confusion, hormones and teenage angst*

So I'm still not sure what to think now. He did say he wanted to stay in touch etc., but he didn't seem to enthusiastic about it. We haven't really made plans yet, except for a casual "Summer's long, we'll see".

Erika, thanks for your compliment on my English I usually don't mention it online, but as this post was quite long and there were a couple of things I wasn't sure about (past tense of "lie down"? board meeting?), and I didn't want everyone yelling, "Kat, you are a pathetic loser who sucks. Go away."

 

[fire_breeze]

Thank you all for your replies!

I decided to go ahead and randomly ask him if we'd see each other again or if "that's it". He said he hoped so.

So all is fine... except now I started thinking, and I'm not sure if he meant that in a "you're just another person I enjoy talking to" way or in a "let's spend the rest of our lives together, yo" way, though. I mean... he has lots of female friends. On the other hand, he did say he'd never been this close to anyone else physically before. (For the record, I have, and it sucked.) But maybe he thinks it was no big deal now? In fact, why am I making such a big deal out of it? Why must life be so complicated, and pancakes so awesome? *explodes in a big ball of confusion, hormones and teenage angst*

So I'm still not sure what to think now. He did say he wanted to stay in touch etc., but he didn't seem to enthusiastic about it. We haven't really made plans yet, except for a casual "Summer's long, we'll see".

Erika, thanks for your compliment on my English I usually don't mention it online, but as this post was quite long and there were a couple of things I wasn't sure about (past tense of "lie down"? board meeting?), and I didn't want everyone yelling, "Kat, you are a pathetic loser who sucks. Go away."

I'd like to impart one single piece of advice, and this comes from experience.

Don't overanalyse. You'll drive yourself crazy and can lead to insecurities and self doubt and lack of confidence. Trust me. Once over-analysing and over thinking is learned, it's very very very difficult to unlearn it (possible, as I finally found out and learned, but difficult with some remnants still lingering). In my career, analysis and detailed thought is good. In relationships: not so much. So take it as it goes, and live in the moment, because over-thinking will give you clenched teeth and an ulcer.

Enjoy it. Whatever comes out of it, enjoy it. If he said that he was never that close to anyone, then why over think it? You both have the opportunity to explore new territory together.

It's a big deal because it's something new and exciting. Have fun with it, and as cliché as it sounds, seize it. Live in the moment. Talk to him when you can. Try to get together casually. You obviously like each other - why not take the opportunity to spend time together whether on-line (personally, I've had fantastic conversations on-line), through Skype or getting together. 2 hours is nothing.

If life was easy, we would have expired as a species aeons ago through sheer ennui. In a few years, you'll look back, smile and enjoy the memories.

Enjoy and good luck.

 

[yuna1981]

Kat, I wouldn't ask about the nature of the relationship, but I also wouldn't pursue too much awkward online communication. That could sour what works really well in-person. I agree with what MissTCShore said, you need more in-person time.

Here's what I'd do if I were you, though this not everyone's style. I'd probably find some concert in his town, tell him you are interested in going, and asking him if he'd go with you. That would really lay bare whether he is interested in seeing you again.

 

[Katiesub]

There is something in real life called "campionable silence." If you stop and think about it, you can spend a lot of time with your best friend, your family, or just about anyone ... saying nothing.

I feel very good about a relationship with someone where we're comfortable with saying nothing to each other at times when we have nothing to say, rather than try to force the issue simply because "we're together."

Online, yes ... that can mean seeing the little IM button lit up or name highlighted but saying nothing. For me, it often means I'm thinking about that person and will have something more of depth to say when it's percolated a bit in my brain.

And sometimes, seeing that little light ... it's "anticipation time" just waiting for the balloon with a message or an order from a Dom to pop up. And oh ... that's so nice, too.