Online Dom

[s7724]

After wanting things from my husband that I think I'll never have I found a Dom online. I told him I wanted to ask questions and that is it as I'm married and could'nt play. I wanted his perspective only. I've become friends with him and now want him to dominate me online.

I freaked out a few days ago. My husband and i had a disagreement, he doesn't get why I want to talk to Sir and I've tried to explain and then I had it in my head that Sir only wanted to talk to me so we could hook up. He wanted a photo of me so I sent him one but I had clothes on and you couldn't see my face. Sir was not impressed but hubby said no photos to start with.

All I wanted was for him to guide me in some way, show me the ropes so to speak. Did I do the wrong thing?????

 

[wicked woman]

Being cynical, did you expect a Dom to do it for nothing? What's in it for him? Of course he wants something out of it. If your gut says he's only being nice because he wants to hook up, you're probably right.


If hubby said no pics, I'm wondering why you sent one. If it were me, I'd be careful to make sure my husband and I agreed about the parameters of any other relationship and kept an open dialogue, because things change.

 

[s7724]

My husband new I ws sending the photo and agreed as my face was not in it. He didn't want naked half naked photos sent.
Sir said from the beginning that he was to take on a tutorial role, advice etc. He was not after a relationship of that nature. He said that he enjoys helping people and after talking to him for a while I believed this to be true.
He wanted another photo as he thought that i was not being truthful with him and that i was possibly a man. He was sorry later but I took it hard as I thought that we trusted each other.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I'm totally betting that Sir lied about the role he wanted to take. I see no reason for a guy to Dom online unless there's some fap to be had. and the fact that he was so worried that you might be a man kinda shows where his mind was going, don't you think?

 

[s7724]

He explained his reasons and I forgave him. Maybe I was thought he was too good to be true. We get along quite well and it was disappointing after talking the way we had been for that to come out. I should cut my losses and run.

 

[Lrn_The_Ropes]

I don't see this online relationship ending well. Be very careful of any one that meet on here. There are some good ones but I think they are out numbered by the bad. Get to know the person you want to call "Sir" . He may only cause you more problems.

 

[s7724]

This is really hard for me it was hard from the start. I wanted his opinions and we've had many many chats but I am starting to feel very comfortable with him. I don't want to get close as I am starting to consider myself as cheating, feeling close to someone other than my husband feels wrong. I am struggling with this. He has offered to give me a taste of what I want and would include hubby but I think that would over step the bounderies.

 

[BrightlyGo]

I don't want to get close as I am starting to consider myself as cheating, feeling close to someone other than my husband feels wrong.

If it feels wrong, it probably is.

You're in a very tough place, it's obvious. From this and the other thread, it sounds like your husband does love you, does care, and does want to you to be happy. But, you're asking for something that doesn't feel right to him. The way he's joking about the things you ask for could mean he's uncomfortable with them, humor can be a way of coping with discomfort.

My guess would be that bringing an on-line Dom into it is only going to make him more uncomfortable.

 

[satindesire]

This is really hard for me it was hard from the start. I wanted his opinions and we've had many many chats but I am starting to feel very comfortable with him. I don't want to get close as I am starting to consider myself as cheating, feeling close to someone other than my husband feels wrong. I am struggling with this. He has offered to give me a taste of what I want and would include hubby but I think that would over step the bounderies.

You already know you're treading on thin ice.

Reverse the positions. How would you feel if your husband was doing stuff with other people that made him feel like he was about to cheat on you? Would you want him to continue down that road (and eventually cheat on you!) or would you want him to step away -because he values and respects your relationship with him more than a stranger on the internet-?

You know exactly what you need to do. Here is your permission to do it. End the relationship with the online Dom and get into marriage counseling to figure out what's going on in your relationship that's making you feel like you have to seek out someone else other than your husband.

 

[s7724]

Quote:
The way he's joking about the things you ask for could mean he's uncomfortable with them, humor can be a way of coping with discomfort.

True he does this a lot but why is it ok for him to joke about something that is important to me and he knows it is because I have talked to him a lot about it so he will understand. I know he loves me and it hurts to think that because he does I have to do things his way. I always have. He's happy with the way things are so if it's not broken don't fix it. he wants to do things he's comfortable with, well its a short list and thats just it. I can't do things I want to try because he's uncomfortable so I have to just do the things he wants and be happy that he did that. A slap on the ass and a but plug is the ultimate night. Yippee I'm happy he wants to make me happy.

We were talking about how I wanted to be submissive in the bedroom again and that I'd been talking to some full time subs. Aparently full time subs are doormats and he doesn't want to treat me like that. This attitude I don't understand and I'm wrong for not understaning. Im sick of talking and obviousely not being listened to. As long as he's happy I'm supposed to be happy. I can't do that any more and he doesn't get why I'm not.

As for Sir he suggested this: me bringing a woman in for me so hubby wouldn't feel threatened I told hubby this and that sir would step in if needed. I said I wouldn't be comfortable with a woman. I was told that I could bring a woman in cos its hot but I couln't bring a man in. It was my decision which to choose, I chose neither.

Sir has tried to be helpful and this is why I feel close to him. He talks and listens to me, he's supportive of my feelings and discusses them with me so I fully understand them. He's not judgemental and has never tried to coerce me in any way. I feel as though I'm cheating in these respects. I shouldn't feel this comfortable with anyone else but my husband. He suggests things for hubby to make all of this a little better. His real life job is helping people and it is his nature.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

Have you or your husband read any books about BDSM, being kinky, being submissive, being dominant, etc?

 

[s7724]

Yes I have and suggeated he reads them too but its not his thing I should just explain things.

 

[CutieMouse]

We were talking about how I wanted to be submissive in the bedroom again and that I'd been talking to some full time subs. Apparently full time subs are doormats and he doesn't want to treat me like that. This attitude I don't understand and I'm wrong for not understanding. I'm sick of talking and obviously not being listened to. As long as he's happy I'm supposed to be happy. I can't do that any more and he doesn't get why I'm not.

The bolded bit is actually a very common attitude/misconception. Society has us all trained to believe Alpha = powerful, successful and in control, and anything opposite of that [Alpha] = downtrodden, abused and mindless doormat. Even amongst kinky people (like on Lit), you'll often see people say things like "I don't want a doormat" when the subject of 24/7 comes up. It also comes up a lot in threads about being bratty, or pushing limits/pushing back, etc. because sumbission without those things is often viewed (in generic terms, even by BDSMers) as being less exciting/interesting or doormat-ish.

You sound so terribly frustrated, and I genuinely feel for you. The book When Someone You Love is Kinky might help explain things in a more neutral way, maybe? (it's a super quick read; like an hour-ish at most. If he won't read it, you should. You might pick up some communication tips that could help.) For all we preach communication, sometimes the words we use are our worst enemy.

submission = doormat
hit harder = I'm a failure
new ideas = insecurity over 20 years of (suddenly, to him) "bad sex"

Throw in images created through the porn industry, a bit of good old fashioned American prudery, and an imbalance of interest (flogger! * giggle!)... and things tend to go all clusterfuckery in the not fun way.

I know it's frustrating as hell to start small, and you've been trying for quite a while already without much success, but if it were me? I'd start small. Like painfully small. Reconnect sexually on the bits that are working. Share fantasies. Banish the flogger stuff for a set period of time, and get playful with things you have at home - hairbrushes or wooden spoons. Send a text in the middle of the day telling him you thought about him spanking your ass when you brushed your hair this morning. Or a casual comment that you saw something sexually interesting at the grocery store/Home Depot/etc, and drop it until he asks. (You would be amazed how many things can be perverted into the bedroom...) Romance him, in the ways you'd like to be romanced, and you both might end up where you'd like to.

 

[s7724]

Very sound advice and I thank you. Getting him hot is never the issue. We play games like you suggested all the time. It's just different when it comed to the fun part.

I started this months ago I thought go back to basics and it backfired, "see we dont need the other stuff." is what I got for my effort but I've kept trying anyway. I've tried little whispers, walking around in my robe, insinuating things with things and its all good but that's as far as it goes. I sent him a half naked photo of me during the day last week he got home and said thanks it was nice. In bed I've tried doing things to him that I know that he likes and well it never gets too much father than that.

I was joking with a friend a few weeks ago he said prolonged sex was great and my comeback was I would settle for 20 mins. He nearly fell off his chair. Unfortunately this is the way we are.


As for my flogger it's in the cupboard collecting dust as we speak. I've given up on it now. I think it was just a fantasy.

I'll take everyones advice and criticism and try harder I'm just not sure how any more.

 

[Lrn_The_Ropes]

Speaking as a man, who is very new in the formal D/s relationship it will take time. I'm still not exactly comfortable with taking a flogger, paddle, belt to my wife. It goes against my upbringing, I did make light of her requests as a defense mechanism, to mask my own insecurities. Keep trying and don't give up. What you want will happen, we (men) are stubborn, and sometimes need to be hit upside the head. I think men in general want to please so we come around.

 

[subwannabe]

In case you didn't realize it, their are predators online. You seem very naive. It's kind of like some wacko guy driving up to some little kid and saying, "Hey, would you like some candy?". Or the understanding online guy talking to a thirteen year old girl saying, "Your parents don't understand you, but I do. I just want to be your friend." Yeah. Yeah. You need to quit messing around online and communicate with your husband. If communication doesn't work then you need to cut the cord and move on. Playing with gasoline will only get you blown up in the end.

 

[KoPilot]

If you really want a mentor, go find one in real life, who is local to you, and from whom you can get referrals. Someone you can ask around about to find out if they're on the up and up.

Unless you like being disappointed 9/10 times, don't bother with online doms.

 

[satindesire]

If you really want a mentor, go find one in real life, who is local to you, and from whom you can get referrals. Someone you can ask around about to find out if they're on the up and up.

Unless you like being disappointed 9/10 times, don't bother with online doms.

BINGO.

Seeking out someone exciting on the internet may seem like a perfectly "safe" way to get your jollies, but it's not. I could state how many newbie submissives have gotten their hearts broken, gotten taken advantage of, or just been suddenly ignored to the end of the "relationship" (because the online Dom doesn't have the brass vagina to "break up" with them in person)...lied to, "cheated" on with multiple other online subs, or verbally/emotionally abused, I could write a book about it.

If you're serious about this, REALLY serious about this, you need to get your husband's 100% willing consent (Not grudging, resentful consent IE "Okay, FINE, if it'll make you happy!) you need to seek out a mentor IN PERSON. Ask for references. Talk to other people that know that person, find out what kind of human being they are before taking the plunge.

Honestly, though, it seems like your husband is totally unwilling to help you explore your passion for BDSM. I've already said this once but I think you both would benefit from marriage counseling.

 

[BrightlyGo]

Quote:
The way he's joking about the things you ask for could mean he's uncomfortable with them, humor can be a way of coping with discomfort.

True he does this a lot but why is it ok for him to joke about something that is important to me and he knows it is because I have talked to him a lot about it so he will understand.

IT'S NOT OK. But if that is the reason he's doing it, it might also indicate a way to get past it (maybe). If his use of humor is to defuse his own discomfort, rather than to belittle what you want or get out of it, then maybe, somehow (i don't know how, you know him, you might be able to figure it out, or you might go into counseling, as suggested above) you can help him get past the discomfort. Or, maybe he can realize that discomfort is a problem and find a way to get past it, himself.

Or maybe he won't be able to, and you'll need to find other activities that fulfill your needs without exceeding his limits?

We were talking about how I wanted to be submissive in the bedroom again and that I'd been talking to some full time subs. Aparently full time subs are doormats and he doesn't want to treat me like that. This attitude I don't understand and I'm wrong for not understaning. Im sick of talking and obviousely not being listened to. As long as he's happy I'm supposed to be happy. I can't do that any more and he doesn't get why I'm not.

It really sounds like he's making you feel like a doormat by not wanting to make you feel like a doormat. Am i reading this right? Is he deciding that full-time subs or doormats, or is that an assessment you agree with? Do you like the idea of being submissive 24/7? Or do you like the idea of occasional 'scenes?'

As for Sir he suggested this: me bringing a woman in for me so hubby wouldn't feel threatened I told hubby this and that sir would step in if needed. I said I wouldn't be comfortable with a woman. I was told that I could bring a woman in cos its hot but I couln't bring a man in. It was my decision which to choose, I chose neither.

Sounds like a fair decision on your part. Sucks making the decisions, though. ;(

Sir has tried to be helpful and this is why I feel close to him. He talks and listens to me, he's supportive of my feelings and discusses them with me so I fully understand them. He's not judgemental and has never tried to coerce me in any way. I feel as though I'm cheating in these respects. I shouldn't feel this comfortable with anyone else but my husband. He suggests things for hubby to make all of this a little better.

Yeah, i'm going to sound cynical now: He can do all that and /seem/ that way because he has no vested interest in his relationship with you. He has nothing to lose, and /you/ to gain. He may very well have a long-term goal of stressing or breaking up your marriage to get access to you. He may, indeed, just be trying to help. You don't know, he's some electrons floating over the internet, to you.

 

[s7724]

I took this from my other thread. My concern with the Dom was that I was feeling a closeness from talking to him, discussing and trying to understand the things I thought I want. This was bad enough for me and I have cut ties with him. I miss him in that respect, it was good to talk about my feelings and have them respected. Sir was very understanding by the way, he urged me to be strong and try to keep on explaining my feelings to hubby. Not once did he try to coerce me into keeping our relationship going. He told me that I had to do things to help my relationship not make them worse.

 

[Oubliette123]

I think the real issue is where do you see your future in BDSM? Are you hoping your husband will eventually come round to the idea of sharing this lifestyle with you? And if he doesn't what will you do?

I have no experience of online Doms, but having said that I have had PM's from males wanting to 'chat online' even though my profile clearly says I am in a committed relationship. My freak radar kicks in every time

 

[s7724]

I don't see a future in BDSm. I don't think hubby will ever really come around to what I really want so I will be happy with what I can get. Somethings better than nothing.

I guess it was something that I wanted, a Dom to chat with as I didn't have one at home. Lol. He was/ is a nice guy and he gave me good advice but it was never any more than that.

 

[BrightlyGo]

You're always welcome here.

 

[s7724]

Thanks BrightlyGo. I've been feeling the love, well some anyway.
I'm glad to be on here.