One-night-stands and the Moral

[chris9]

There have been both here and in the BDSM talk (where I usually hang out) threads about sleeping with married/partnered persons recently. The general answer was not to do it because it's wrong. With this I agree.
However, in the described cases the poster knew about the marriage state of their (potential) partner. From what I've gathered so far (and I have only very limited experience with this) getting to know each other is not very important when passion strikes with a stranger. Do you ask beforehand if said stranger is in a relationship? Is it even worth it as s/he might lie to you anyways? Do you feel bad afterwards because there is this possibility of having helped cheating?

 

[alltherage]

There was a time in my life when what you describe was more likely to happen and back then I don't think I cared about my partners relationship status. I slept with more than one married women and I am sure one or two married men. It is far more unlikely to happen now for a number of reasons the most important one being I don't want it too. That being the case I don't put myself in places where it is likely to happen.

 

[chris9]

Hm, then maybe I'm too nice for ONS. I've been thinking about this for some time now...

 

[Linyari]

For me there is a big difference between intentional wrong doing and accidental.

I'm rather fond of one night stands and generally assume that my partners are unattached. I have only been wrong once, incidently. He was married with children, but in all fairness, I had been to his house where he lived with a friend and there were no indications in that house that he was married. (That would be because his wife and children lived 8 states away and he was supposedly just working down here and finding them a place to live.)

We screw up on accident all the time. It's not malicious or anything of the like. But when we actively seek to do something that most people tend to find morally wrong with little care to whom we hurt in the process, that's when I get squeamish.

I fully believe in do what thou wilt, yet harm none. I can do what I wish as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else. But when I know that it might hurt someone else is when I start having moral issues.

Likewise, if the tables were turned and my partner were to cheat on me and paraded themselves as single while doing so, I would feel that the person they cheated with did nothing wrong. There would be no ill will. But if they knew about the relationship, regardless of whatever the issues were in the relationship and went ahead with sleeping with my partner, there would be a certain amount of anger in their direction. (Though more directed at my partner, obviously.) It's just one of those things.

 

[M's girl]

Are you supposed to answer this one only if you believe in one night stands to start with? Because I don't.

I'm not saying I never had one, but I've never been looking for one night stands intentionally. Not that I had long-term plans per se every time but I guess I more considered it to be the start of some sort of relationship. A bit naive, maybe, but somehow (and I had my share of boyfriends thus far) I have only been wrong two times.

One time when the guy just was not interested in anything more than a one night stand. The second time the guy told me, just before we were going to get it on, that "oh yes, by the way" he was currently in a relationship. I asked him if he intended to stay in that relationship and he said "yeah, don't know.... I think so". Then I fucked him

Funny thing is... a few days later I saw him again and when it was time for me to go home (we were in a bar) he stood up to leave with me. I asked him "what are you doing?" and he looked at me puzzled and said "go home with you?"... I laughed in his face and said "no way buddy". And that was the end of it.

So, yes, I helped a man cheat on his girlfriend on one occasion and I'm not particularly proud of it. I will never do it again. It made me feel cheap and maybe because I have no idea who his poor girlfriend was (and am convinced I was not the only one he cheated her with) I don't feel very sorry for her.

I have never persued a man who I knew was married. But probably not so much for not wanting to be the other one for her to feel bad about... More so because I never want to take the second best position for myself ever again. I'm better than that!

 

[shy slave]

I have had one night stands.

At the time I was not interested in whether they were married or not. I was interested in them purely from a sexual point of view, nothing more.

I liked not being interested in his domestic situation. It was liberating and freeing. I didn't have to worry about him or his situation. It was all his issue not mine.

I have heard men describe seeing prostitutes in a similar manner.

Its been years since I had a one night stand, and it is not something I would want at this point in my life but at the time it was perfect. I could be selfish and just take from him physically what I wanted, as he could with me.
A mutual enjoyment, and then back to reality.

My real take on it all is happily married men don't cheat. If he wants other lovers he should tell his wife and tell her why. Of course the relationship may end, but it may not.
Cheating will only make things worse.

I had a married lover once (I was single). It was alot more than a one night stand but I still thought it was little more than an interesting way to spend some time. He left his wife and wanted me to move in. I did feel bad that I was not going to move in with him, and saw no future with him either. But I had never promised him anything other than sex.
Perhaps that makes me sound like a cold bitch, but it is hard to explain a complex situation in a few lines.

If I am a part of someones life I want to know all there is to know to support them, make them happy and be a part of the enjoyment in their life.
If I am just a quick fuck I don't want all his baggage as well.
A ten minute fuck does not give him the right to saddle me with guilt or bad feeling.

Actually maybe all of this post makes me sound like a cold bitch, but I am not.

 

[jerseyman1963]

There have been both here and in the BDSM talk (where I usually hang out) threads about sleeping with married/partnered persons recently. The general answer was not to do it because it's wrong. With this I agree. However, in the described cases the poster knew about the marriage state of their (potential) partner. From what I've gathered so far (and I have only very limited experience with this) getting to know each other is not very important when passion strikes with a stranger. Do you ask beforehand if said stranger is in a relationship? Is it even worth it as s/he might lie to you anyways? Do you feel bad afterwards because there is this possibility of having helped cheating?

Bottom line is that if your prospective partner wants to appear to be something they're not, they can, and unless you spend a lot of time doing a background check, you're probably not going to learn the truth easily or quickly. So if you're going into a situation where you think the other person may be married or otherwise spoken for, you have to be honest with yourself about that possibility, and the possibility that you may not learn the truth, and whether you would care or not.

I always thought that the starting point for any relationship, but especially a one night stand, was honesty with yourself, being brutally honest with yourself about all the possible consequences. Are you really just looking for a no strings attached experience? Or are you just saying that when you really want a serious relationship? How would you feel if you found out that your partner really is married when they told you they were not?

When it comes to partners who are in another relationship, I think the morals are tough, and it's not nearly as black and white as the conservative view point would make us think. You can say that it's bad to even help someone break their vows, or implied vows. Or you could say that that's their (the other person's) problem, not yours. Or you could take some middle ground position.

In any case, I think both partners have to be honest with themselves, but you have to be especially honest with yourself, because that's all you really have control over. You also have to be honest with yourself about what you think about the OTHER person, and not let hormones take over.

I've been with three married women over the years. Each was quite a long time ago. Two went all the way, and one came close but we didn't do it in the end. In two cases, I felt like the women were having a life crisis, and acting that out. Sort of, "This is not at all what I pictured my life would turn out to be, and I am going to rebel against that by acting like a wild thing." I didn't feel like they'd thought it through, they were just letting too much stress and overwhelming emotions take over. In one case I had learned enough about life at that point to get out before it went too far, because I could tell she wasn't too stable and aside from the danger, I felt like I would be contributing to something we would both regret later. At least one of us was thinking straight at the key moment - although it was closer than it should have been.

In the third case, the woman had a very well thought out opinion, which amounted to explaining to me that she'd been married for 20 years, was not going to end her marriage, had not been with anyone else during her marriage, but felt like after all this time she wanted to spread her wings (in a manner of speaking), and I was the only one in 20 years that turned her on that. Although I must admit that that last bit was flattering to hear, I am not sure if I believed that this was the only time in 20 years, but the rest of it was honest and well thought out. She was honest with me, and honest with herself.

I am sure that there are people out there, even on Lit, who would find some or all of this atrocious and morally reprehensible. But I think it's up to each of us to find the truth for ourself, because it's a big world and we're all very different. (For instance, the statistics show that most marriages survive an affair.) But honesty with ourselves and each other is the starting point.

So to circle back where this started, I say yes, you should ask about other attachments early in the game, when it becomes apparent that you're both interested in each other that way, and then act accordingly. But we each need to decide what "act accordingly" means to ourselves.

 

[shy slave]

<snip>
I always thought that the starting point for any relationship, but especially a one night stand, was honesty with yourself, being brutally honest with yourself about all the possible consequences. Are you really just looking for a no strings attached experience? Or are you just saying that when you really want a serious relationship?

<snip>
In any case, I think both partners have to be honest with themselves, but you have to be especially honest with yourself, because that's all you really have control over. You also have to be honest with yourself about what you think about the OTHER person, and not let hormones take over.

<snip>

This makes a great deal of sense.

Sometimes people go into a relationship thinking one thing and saying another.

You have to be quite firm minded to have a one night stand and walk away.
Both people need to be clear about what the relationship is and is not.

A fairly new term I have come across is 'fuck buddies' which seems to be an extended one night stand and it also needs absolute honesty if no-one is to end up feeling hurt or used.


Jerseyman, there are always going to be people who have different morals and find the concept of one night stands 'atrocious and morally reprehensible.' My opinion of that is that people deal with life's challenges differently and there enough people who may not choose that route, but understand there are reasons for doing so.

Personally it was an experience that worked for me at the time I needed to try it.

 

[chris9]

'Letting the hormones take over' is why I'd have one night stands. I know I don't want a serious relationship, I know I'm not even able to feel enough for any person to consider it.
I know there are dangers involved, deseases, pregnancy. If I do it anyways, it's to satisfy my lust which means pretty much means letting the hormones take over.

It's a bit strange, because in my one experience I've not even considered the other persons relationship status before going there, but since then I've been wondering. That's why I decided to get a rather general input on this question. So thank you everyone who answered so far.

 

[jerseyman1963]

I think if you're a thinking person, and given to at least some self reflection, it's natural to start wondering later about things like whether your partner of the moment was, in fact, attached.

But I think you can let the hormones take over, but also do it in a way that reduces the risks and dangers, both emotional and physical.

Shy Slave, another way of saying, "...people deal with life's challenges differently and there enough people who may not choose that route, but understand there are reasons for doing so," is this: "Sometimes you do what you need to do to get what you need at that time. Maybe it's not perfect, and maybe you would do it again and maybe you wouldn't, but there's no sahme in doing what you need to do to get what you need at that time." I wish I had said that, because I thought it was profound, but alas, like my best quotes, it was something someone else said to me.

And I think you are dead on accurate when you said, in part, "...fuck buddies...needs absolute honesty if no-one is to end up feeling hurt or used." Honesty is tough, but key.

And Chris, knowing you don't want a serious relationship, in my opinion, puts you a good step or two ahead of a lot of people. You know enough about yourself right know to know what you want, and don't want. Bravo.