One Dom, Two Subs

[Justina123]

I have recently been collared by a Dominant who already has a live-in submissive. I live about two hours away from them, and due to various responsibilities of mine, single parenthood, etc. that will not change. The "alpha" sub and I are friends and get along well together; however, I know she does sometimes have a difficult time feeling that our Dominant's interest in me somehow takes away from His love for her. In fact, He loves her very much and, while there is an attraction to me, it is not the same at all (and this is as I would expect). I am not "in love" with Sir, but there is a strong attraction, and I suspect that, if I allowed myself to, it could grow into something much more, but I do not think that would be a good idea right now.

Our current agreement is that I am in training (I am somewhat of a novice) and I come for visits only on weekends when the "alpha" sub is not working (about 1-2 times a month), Sir and I have several scenes, etc. (but no intercourse), sometimes there is a play party or munch to go to, etc. We e-mail and chat occasionally as well, and no matter who is e-mailing who, we cc: the third person. Sir and I would like to see the relationship grow but neither of us is in any rush, and it is very important to both of us that His relationship with her not be harmed.

I searched the forum and old threads for advice from folks on this kind of situation. I found a few posts, one thread in particular, which were helpful, but to be honest, not all that positive.

I would be very interested in hearing from anyone who could give some positive advice on making a situation like this work, any personal experience you have had with it, or any similar relationships you have seen work.

Thanks so much!

- justina

 

[MissTaken]

Hi Justina!

It is great to see you posting here. We will have to do coffee sometime. (Another poor isolated gal from my area. )




Anyway, in many respects, it sounds as though Sir has a fairly good handle on things.

Communication
Communication
Communication

No secrets between subs or sub and Master!

It is my belief that jealousy and backstabbing are two of the most dangerous things in a poly relationship. It sounds like Sir is aware of that and is trying to avoid it. His alpha may need extra reassurances from both of you until she is more comfortable with the situation.

Have you checked out pipercatt's Polyamory thread. It is a lengthy thread, but you will find some good information there. Also, I am sure pming some of the posters will help.

This is a great topic and I am certainly going to follow it.

 

[MsWorthy]

I have no personal experience with this type of relationship, but I thought I would offer a, perhaps, obvious suggestion.

Put in much effort and work on a relationship/friendship with the alpha sub. Once she likes you (hopefully the two of you are compatible as friends) and knows that you like her and respect her position in the household, things will go much smoother.

 

[SierraMoon]

Justina, i am going to follow this thread very closely.. GREAT topic!! i may find myself in the exact same predicament in the future...
i have been openly chatting with a Master for 8 months (his slave knows all about me) and have met them in public quite a few times... (to play pool, darts, etc). i've made it very known to the 2 of them, that i would be interested in joining His House. i am very new to this, and He has told me that He wanted me to be a little more experienced, before He would consider it... wants to make sure this is what i want in my life.. so, i've been playing with a Dom for a few months, and i have told the Master about all that i've done. So, hopefully, someday, i will be His....
thanks for starting this thread, and good luck to you!!!!

btw.. His slave and i get along fine, although, i sense some tension sometimes, if i unthinkingly don't include her in our conversations.... so, i need to work on that

 

[cellis]

Well... this could have not come along at a better time.

For several months now we have been engaged in a search for a third person to play with.

I admit, in the beginning, I had a hard time with the concept, but the more Himself and I talked, the more I became comfortable with the idea.

It seems that we have met someone that might work out for us. I find myself having to deal with some of the doubts, which perplexes Himself, because he thought we were past all of that.

I think that talking about it and doing it are two different things. I am scared, but excited at the same time.

I find that I still need reassurances from Himself and I know that he loves me... I know the reasons that we both want another person involved on a part time basis. It is just a little scary as we move into a reality situation.

 

[willfulbrat]

I used to be interested in adding another submissive to our relationship. After some trial and error, i've decided it's not worth the pain that comes with it. It'll be interesting to see some posts here from those who've managed to have successful poly relationships. Best of luck to those of you willing to try.

 

[MsWorthy]

Cellis, your feelings will be, I think, particularly relevant to Justina, because you can give her the perspective of the other side.

The two of you can learn from/ help one another greatly in the journey each of you have decided to take.

I hope that each of you can allow yourselves to be vulnerable and exposed so that all of us can learn the process, from beginning to end.

I respect each of you for your courage.

 

[MsWorthy]

I used to be interested in adding another submissive to our relationship. After some trial and error, i've decided it's not worth the pain that comes with it. It'll be interesting to see some posts here from those who've managed to have successful poly relationships. Best of luck to those of you willing to try.

I understand your perspective, Willful. I have been in relationships in which I have experimented with things that seemed very exciting only to find that, in reality, they weakened the core relationship and caused insecurity.

This is not something I would ever do again. I have learned that, for me, it is not something that can work.

Sometimes, what we imagine will be *hot*, in reality, is not, it simply ruins what was good to start with - and remember, you can never go back.

My advice: Know what you wish for, be honest with yourself before you walk a path, and be prepared for the outcome.

On a positive note:
Others have walked this path and made it work for them. It is possible.

 

[P. B. Walker]

you know what they say...

"... three is a crowd"

- PBW

 

[willfulbrat]

I understand your perspective, Willful. I have been in relationships in which I have experimented with things that seemed very exciting only to find that, in reality, they weakened the core relationship and caused insecurity.

You are so right. I never thought i could be so insecure. Sometimes fantasies are best left there in Fantasyland.

 

[spankableBelle]

i was in the position of being the one that the Dom felt an attraction to, was friends with. i fell for Him in the midst of it all. And while He loved deeply His collared sub, He loved me as well. And i walked away...i couldn't step into something that was already established. i couldn't share either. Walking away was the hardest thing for me to do. i lost His friendship, He felt betrayed by the fact that i couldn't do what He had asked of me. But for me, walking way was the only choice i had, even though it hurt like hell.

And, the sub and i were friends...

belle

 

[cellis]

I just find that on a whole that if I am the main attraction, then I am much more comfortable with the whole situation. I want him to be attracted to the other person and the other person to be attracted to him.... But it is much easier if the woman is more interested in me than him.

Himself and I have discussed this at length. He understands and accepts my feelings. Maybe because I am a switch, it makes it different I don't know. I do know that the few times we have been approached by women who really were looking for a Dom and not to share, I was very uncomfortable with the situation.

 

[Ysandre]

If I can put two cents in

I've had the opportunity to be "First" sub in that kind of relationship.. it was nice at first, it was fun, and the second was treated like a second. Attracted to and treated like a very dear pet.
Unfortuneately by both of He and i.... *sigh* I apologized if it means anything.

I've been the second sub more often than not. And it was a fun experience. It brougth out things in me, I knew I had, yet was afraid to use. There is a security in knowing that none of this is permanent, I can walk away from them and they will still be happy with each other, the world will go on, and I can move to other things.
I liked that....

Some Dom/mes have the ability to pull off command of two, and it is Magickal.
I know someone in the srp that has two collared subs. They know about each other, get along with each other and neither is having a problem with it. They had a rocky start, but it's lasted solid for going over 6 months now....

It really depends on the ~OPEN~ communication, trust, and personal issues you are looking for. When two subbies can play together it's even more fun sometimes. But that might just be me....

 

[spankableBelle]

Alright, now that i am more awake, i wanted to add something else to what i posted here earlier, too...

i know and admire subs that can share their Doms with another sub in a wonderful harmonious relationship... i have not met many subs that can emotionally handle it, but there have been a few...and i do admire them, for i am not open-minded enough to be able to do so...it is something i have thought about, read about, talked to others about...and found myself in a situation where i was asked to join an existing D/s relationship...i didn't intend to have feelings beyond friendship develop for the Dom and when He asked how i felt about Him one day, it was something i couldn't lie to Him about...i had never lied to Him about anything...He and i talked at length about He and her, He and i, He and both of us...she and i talked at length as well...but i just couldn't get around to the understanding and openness that was and would have always been needed for a relationship to form between the three of us...whether being the 'alpha' sub or being the second sub...it is just something i cannot do...but those that can, that are able to make it work...have my admiration...

belle

 

[Justina123]

Thanks and more

Wow, I cannot thank everyone enough for the open and honest replies on this thread, so much to think about.

I am not the type of person who is long on introspection, so I have not spent lots of time "analyzing" why I have been going ahead with this relationship. For me, it has been enough that it fills a big need in my life; when Sir and I are scening, it is like a perfect match, we seem to enjoy the same things, have the same bdsm likes/dislikes, etc. Even now that we have progressed past occasional play partners and into dom/collared sub, His love of ritual, expectations of behavior, etc. are still a near perfect match. I more than "like" him, even in a vanilla way. So I do not want to lose this and it is becoming an increasingly important part of my life.

I am also by nature a shy type person and not jealous. I do not want or expect to have all of His attention, except when we are deep in a scene together, of course. I also have only occasional weekends to give. I have a houseful of kids to care for and support, who I love deeply but who are my first priority, and to be honest, 99% of men and Dominants run the other way when they find out about them! So I have a lot to be thankful for in this relationship!

But, on the other hand, if he released me tomorrow, it would be incredibly difficult. So there is that insecurity because I know that if it becomes too difficult for his first sub, she comes first. I know he has been actively wanting to find a second sub to train for some time, and she has kind of gone along with it (I suspect it has been difficult). When the three of us have talked about it, it has always been plainly stated that I wear a "training collar" and there is no promise of eventual "ownership"- and that is fine with me because, as I said above, I cannot do 24/7. But I do want this to be something long term, and so does He.

So, the more I think about it, the only real negatives for me, I think, are: the insecurity (but wouldn't I have that in any relationship?), the distance (they live a couple hours away, but I am the one who lives out in the boonies and this also would occur in almost any d/s relationship), the huge amount of communication, openness, etc. that is and will be needed to make this work for any length of time, and the self-control I have a feeling I am going to need to exert to not let myself "fall in love" so to speak (but that also would go for any relationship, not just this one, since I cannot realistically expect 24/7 with anyone).

Anyhow, I am just thinking out loud here, I guess! Am going to go back and reread some of what is posted above again, I can't tell you how I appreciate all the heartfelt input.

Thanks!

-justina