On the lighter side....

[forgetunome]

What My Mother Taught Me...

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM -
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado passed through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

THANKS, MOM!


>

 

[Guest]

Is it Mother's Day and someone forgot to tell me? lol Sawwy, had to...

~Tiggs~
http://smilecwm.tripod.com/sd3/lise.gif

 

[Always]

*grins*

"No blood on the carpets, no dead bodies in the house!"

 

[forgetunome]

Another joke....

Two weeks ago was my birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's
wives for you. The children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch.

We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends.

All were singing Happy Birthday...and there on the couch I sat...naked.

 

[forgetunome]

Halloween Costume Party

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened
without pain; and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting
around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you....the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

 

[wolfy]

laugh! That was really funny all of them. Thanks alot

 

[forgetunome]

Philosophy of Love

If you love something, set it free
If it comes back, it will always be yours
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with

BUT----------

If it just sits in your living room, watches your TV, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, borrows your car, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place you either married it or gave birth to it.

 

[R Nitelight]

I love my Mom. Can't wait til she's paroled.

 

[forgetunome]

Life's Truths...

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE
LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her
brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They
always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
7) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
8) Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic-tac.
9) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
10) School lunches stick to the wall.
11) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
12) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
13) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you
take the time to look. For example, I'm sitting here
thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3) One reason to smile is that every seven minutes
of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4) Car sickness is the feeling you get when the
monthly payment is due.
5) The best way to keep kids at home is to make a
pleasant atmosphere-and let the air out of their tires.
6) Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
7) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its
ground.
8) Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
9) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
10) My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
11) If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
3) You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have
babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
6) One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make person gain five pounds.
7) I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
8) There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
9) Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
10) The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
11) Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
12) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
13) Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
14) Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.


THE TWO MAJOR FOOD GROUPS:

A) Anything you can put cheese on.
B) Everything else you can put chocolate on.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

 

[Always]

forgetunome...

the funniest part about it is that it's all true...

(the great truths of life)