Okay, well I don't know what category you could put this in

[CrowSingsOver]

Okay, I wrote this one a while back. How can I help it? I think the punctuation is breaking it. In my head it sounds melodic. What do you think?


Wrap your flames around me,
Black unseeking doubt.
I'll hold the fire to my lips,
Or blow the whole thing out.
You're message takes me higher,
Angel from below.
Turn and twist and tear me out,
I'll never want to go.
Silken cords of costly words,
Are never far behind.
You only hold me in your arms,
And blow away my mind.
Seeking claws of anger,
Ripping at my bed.
Hold me under water,
Stop these demons in my head.
The stars above call out your name,
It's carved into my skin.
I'm waiting forthe dying light,
Sou you'll come to me again.
Your touches feel like heaven,
We glide and then we flow.
I want to stay forever,
But you say you have to go.

 

[Guest]

Re: Okay, well I don't know what catagory you could put this in

Okay, I wrote this one a while back. How can I help it? I think the punctuation is breaking it. In my head it sounds melodic. What do you think?


Wrap your flames around me,
Black unseeking doubt.
I'll hold the fire to my lips,
Or blow the whole thing out.
You're message takes me higher,
Angel from below.
Turn and twist and tear me out,
I'll never want to go.
Silken cords of costly words,
Are never far behind.
You only hold me in your arms,
And blow away my mind.
Seeking claws of anger,
Ripping at my bed.
Hold me under water,
Stop these demons in my head.
The stars above call out your name,
It's carved into my skin.
I'm waiting forthe dying light,
Sou you'll come to me again.
Your touches feel like heaven,
We glide and then we flow.
I want to stay forever,
But you say you have to go.

"You're" should be "your" (5th line) and "Sou" should be "soon" (5th line up from the bottom).
--Xtaabay

 

[CrowSingsOver]

spelling

again, I'm proven queen of the spelling errors. I actually was typing this while I read it off of another computer, it was less of a hassle than e-mailing it. I should have spell-checked. Hell, I'll just blame it on the ADD

 

[Rybka]

Re: Re: Okay, well I don't know what catagory you could put this in

"You're" should be "your" (5th line) and "Sou" should be "soon" (5th line up from the bottom).
--Xtaabay

Xtaabay missed the lack of a space in, "I'm waiting forthe dying light"

Being the nice person she is she also left her taste at home. You have a decent sense of metre and rhyme, but it is wasted in this Hallmarkian effort.



Regards,                             Rybka

 

[Guest]

Okay, I'm not a professional or anything, but I really liked your poem!
I thought it held great rythme, and I wasn't thrown off once.
Good job.

Sati

 

[darkmaas]

Ooh

Ooh.

I see rybka and xtaabay.

This must be a lavalamp thread.

For spelling errors, just claim Canadian spelling.
(If she waves the machete, just ask her to spell wierd/weird).

"Blow away my mind" is a bit 60s. Nothing wrong with the sixties mind, but nobody seems to appreciate such references any more.

darkmaas

 

[CrowSingsOver]

??

was Rybka kidnapped and tortured by the Hallmark Company or something? There's a lot of anger towards them. I don't mind Hallmark, it's better than wasting my time trying to figure out something nice to say to someone I really don't like.


Hallmark Sample


I'm so glad you're in my life,
It's good to have someone to bounce things off of...


by the way, sorry about that and get well soon...

 

[Guest]

spelling impaired

Okay, I'm not a professional or anything, but I really liked your poem!
I thought it held great rythme, and I wasn't thrown off once.
Good job.

Sati

Should I dare to ask what "rythme" is?
--Xtaabay

 

[Guest]

Re: ??

was Rybka kidnapped and tortured by the Hallmark Company or something? There's a lot of anger towards them. I don't mind Hallmark, it's better than wasting my time trying to figure out something nice to say to someone I really don't like.


Hallmark Sample


I'm so glad you're in my life,
It's good to have someone to bounce things off of...


by the way, sorry about that and get well soon...

*flinch* Oh dear... I'm afraid you've just left yourself wide open. Expect the Fish to respond to this one
--Xtaabay

 

[Angeline]

Gettin Real

Ok kids. In a fit of objectivity I, Angeline, just call me "Diplomacy," Poetessavitch (never knew my full name before, didja?), have gone to the fount, yes the actual Hallmark site, in a perhaps-foolish attempt to prove that Crow's poem--whether you like it or not--is not *quite* a hallmark greeting.

Let's start with Crow's poem, shall we?

Wrap your flames around me,
Black unseeking doubt.
I'll hold the fire to my lips,
Or blow the whole thing out.
You're message takes me higher,
Angel from below.
Turn and twist and tear me out,
I'll never want to go.
Silken cords of costly words,
Are never far behind.
You only hold me in your arms,
And blow away my mind.
Seeking claws of anger,
Ripping at my bed.
Hold me under water,
Stop these demons in my head.
The stars above call out your name,
It's carved into my skin.
I'm waiting forthe dying light,
Sou you'll come to me again.
Your touches feel like heaven,
We glide and then we flow.
I want to stay forever,
But you say you have to go.

I like it--could use a tune up, but so can most poems--I'm always tinkering with mine. I'll get back to you with some thoughts on the punctuation.

Now Hallmark Exhibit Number 1

Card title: The Definition of Love
Front Message: LOVE/'luv/(noun, verb, and everything in between) 1: being there for each other (no matter what) 2: holding hands, walking in the rain, and not even knowing it's raining 3: that certain look 4: a fairy tale that does come true 5: trust 6: passion...
Inside Message: Love is You.

Hmmmm... nothing about claws of anger or silken cords of costly words (both metaphors I like, btw).

Exhibit Number 2

Card title: Rooted in Love
Front Message: Love builds up the broken wall and straightens the crooked path. Love keeps the stars in the firmament and imposes rhythm on the ocean tides. Each of us is created of it, and I suspect each of us was created for it. Maya Angelou
Inside Message: Life is full of challenges, but our family continues to thrive. That is because it is rooted deep in love.

Ooooh, this one's a poser. It's treacly but it's written by Maya Angelou, who nine out of ten people agree is: a poet!

Let's try one more.

Exhibit Number 3

Card title: Life in Your Hand
Front Message: Do not reject. Do not demand. You can have life in the palm of your hand.
Inside Message: Blank

Ok, even I'll admit this one really sucks. Surely, Crow's poem is better than this?


The poetry board would be a much happier place--one that actually supported people--if we all just kissed (or at least waved) and made up and remembered that constructive criticism is meant to help and offers suggestions for improvement. I'm gonna do that with the next poem I review and the one after that and on and on.

Now y'all play nice or I'm gonna have to call the manners police!

P.S. Crow, Rybka's a pretty nice fish, actually. He nibbles here and there but he writes some terrific poems.

 

[CrowSingsOver]

yesterday I caught a fish
i thought to cook it in a dish
even though it was a smallish size
it's bite took me by quite surprise!
with out a thought I threw it back
and settled for a jumbo jack

 

[CrowSingsOver]

poetry vs artwork

alright, so I might not be a great poet, but I think I have some future in art of a different kind. I'll see if this pic will go through

 

[Guest]

Yay!

yesterday I caught a fish
i thought to cook it in a dish
even though it was a smallish size
it's bite took me by quite surprise!
with out a thought I threw it back
and settled for a jumbo jack

*clap* *clap* *clap* Eat the fish! Eat the fish! Eat the fish!!!


--Xtaabay

 

[Rybka]

Re: Yay!

*clap* *clap* *clap* Eat the fish! Eat the fish! Eat the fish!!!

--Xtaabay

GEEEZ, you sound like a seal! Are you balancing a lava lamp on your nose? When are you going to shave your whiskers?

Regards,                             Rybka

 

[darkmaas]

I told you so

GEEEZ, you sound like a seal!

Xtaabay:
See I told you that little trip to Nunavut would come in handy. You've learned a new trick.

 

[Guest]

Re: I told you so

Xtaabay:
See I told you that little trip to Nunavut would come in handy. You've learned a new trick.

No, no, no! Nunavut's seals do not clap. They make strange snorting noises (much like Rybka). Of course, now that I think about it, I'm not sure if anyone would want to eat the Fish. He might taste pretty bad (what with the ick problem and the toxic waste he's been feeding off of).

And by the way, I would never balance a lavalamp on any part of my body because playing with sacred objects is never a good thing to do (unless it's a BJBP, and then it might be okay).

The lean, serene, lavalamp queen,
--Xtaabay

 

[Rybka]

Ick and toxic waste

No, no, no! Nunavut's seals do not clap.

Unlike you who probably has the clap!

They make strange snorting noises (much like Rybka).

"Cocaine... cocaine..."

Of course, now that I think about it, I'm not sure if anyone would want to eat the Fish. He might taste pretty bad (what with the ick problem and the toxic waste he's been feeding off of).

I have had an ICK problem but now that I have finished devouring the toxic waste of your poems, I don't say "ICKY-POO, YECCK!" as much any more. (It only happens when I read new poems ALMOST as awful as yours.)

The lean, serene, lavalamp queen,
--Xtaabay

Shouldn't that be "The green, obscene, larvalump transvestite"?


Regards,                                 Rybka

 

[CrowSingsOver]

fish poem

oh Rybka , I thought you'd appreciate having a poem written just for you...even if it was done in under three minutes....hmmm...that could be taken wrong. Well, happy swimming to you.


Crow (whipper snapper)

 

[CrowSingsOver]

spending life
wrapped in silken sheets
who would know
your only wish is escape

If only waiting could do as much for myself
so that I may break my moorings
and be a painted message for the world
fluttering I AM FREE

i am free
i am free

 

[Rybka]

Re: fish poem

oh Rybka , I thought you'd appreciate having a poem written just for you...even if it was done in under three minutes....hmmm...that could be taken wrong. Well, happy swimming to you.

Crow (whipper snapper)

“Happy trails to you”... also. Mermaids and sirens have already sung my praises, so I am somewhat jaded. Fishgerel no longer interests me... SIGH!
besides, I have never heard a crow do anything but "Caw". Keep trying, surely some day you will accomplish something (unlike certain others).



Regards,                                 Rybka

Ps: I knew a whipper snapper, but he was a hybrid and never could decide whether to snap or whip.

 

[CrowSingsOver]

picture

did anyone enjoy the pic I did of the falcon, I have another one of a tiger, but I think I should have been more careful with it. One of the eyes doesn't seem quite right. If anyone wants to see it, though, I'll be glad to post it.


-Crow

ps-I'll explane the screen name if anyone wants to know it, just ask

 

[Rybka]

Re: picture

did anyone enjoy the pic I did of the falcon, I have another one of a tiger, but I think I should have been more careful with it. One of the eyes doesn't seem quite right. If anyone wants to see it, though, I'll be glad to post it.


-Crow

ps-I'll explane the screen name if anyone wants to know it, just ask

"explane"? Are you an airborne ranger or a bird?

Regards,                                 Rybka

 

[CrowSingsOver]

explane

okay, explain! geeze...my mom is anal about the spelling thing too. Of course she has the excuse of being an ex english teacher.

 

[CrowSingsOver]

compliment

well, I suppose I should take it as a compliment that Rybka has actually said anything, even though it envolved raking and hot coles and such. He doesn't really reply to that many poems. But still...


-Crow

 

[Rybka]

Re: compliment

well, I suppose I should take it as a compliment that Rybka has actually said anything, even though it envolved raking and hot coles and such. He doesn't really reply to that many poems. But still...
-Crow

"coles"???