Ok I did it

[RJMasters]

After many prompting from friends, I submitted my first story to Lit and it was posted today

The Exchange

I welcome any comments or feedback. Good or bad.

Did I mention this was my first story? heehee(be gentle but honest thanks)

 

[Guest]

Very good for a first effort. It was a little stark but I think that sort of fit the mood.

"The force inside her is building higher and faster than it has ever gone before."

I don't personally like these sorts of comparison-like statements in my own stories as it's not something that really goes through my mind during sex. Don't really think about anything other than giving her pleasure during and almost never have that kind of thought after. But that's just me.

Your writing style reminds me of some of the first stories I wrote.

Well done. Keep them coming.

 

[impressive]

I don't personally like these sorts of comparison-like statements in my own stories ...

Man, that's what draws the most enthusiastic feedback for me!

(P.S. Don't read my Rainy Day story if you're not into the metaphor. LOL)

 

[RJMasters]

Very good for a first effort. It was a little stark but I think that sort of fit the mood.

"The force inside her is building higher and faster than it has ever gone before."

I don't personally like these sorts of comparison-like statements in my own stories as it's not something that really goes through my mind during sex. Don't really think about anything other than giving her pleasure during and almost never have that kind of thought after. But that's just me.

Your writing style reminds me of some of the first stories I wrote.

Well done. Keep them coming.

Ty Dranoel.

I knew this one felt a bit choppy to me, I like my writing to be a bit more flowing and smooth. I have a cpl more that I am working on. Gonna take a bit more time on these ones.

Thanks for your time.

 

[Pure]

A couple comments.

There are too many sentences beginning, 'she' or 'he'; one example of many:


She sees his acceptance and gracefully stands and moves across the room to his side. She is careful not to expose herself but only hint modestly, showing her bare feet under her silk white robe. At his side she kneels with her legs together and sits upon them with her toes pointed behind her. Her hands upon her thighs and head lower, she waits for him to give her freedom to look upon him. She feels his energy surround her and her skin begins to tingle at the closeness of his presence.

---
Here you are successful in avoiding the problem:

The force inside her is building higher and faster than it has ever gone before. She digs her fingernails into he palms of her hand cutting deep. Blood runs out staining the white silken robe ensnaring her wrists. There she manages to stem the tide, but she know she cannot hold out against him for long. He is too strong, too powerful. He is Master and the pleasure is too great.

----
If you want a guideline, I'd say no more than 25% of the sentences should start that way, and mostly they shouldn't be next to each other.

------

You need to take a trip to your local comma and semicolon supply warehouse; stock up!

---
Keep at it.

 

[RJMasters]

A couple comments.

There are too many sentences beginning, 'she' or 'he'; one example of many:


She sees his acceptance and gracefully stands and moves across the room to his side. She is careful not to expose herself but only hint modestly, showing her bare feet under her silk white robe. At his side she kneels with her legs together and sits upon them with her toes pointed behind her. Her hands upon her thighs and head lower, she waits for him to give her freedom to look upon him. She feels his energy surround her and her skin begins to tingle at the closeness of his presence.

---
Here you are successful in avoiding the problem:

The force inside her is building higher and faster than it has ever gone before. She digs her fingernails into he palms of her hand cutting deep. Blood runs out staining the white silken robe ensnaring her wrists. There she manages to stem the tide, but she know she cannot hold out against him for long. He is too strong, too powerful. He is Master and the pleasure is too great.

----
If you want a guideline, I'd say no more than 25% of the sentences should start that way, and mostly they shouldn't be next to each other.

------

You need to take a trip to your local comma and semicolon supply warehouse; stock up!

---
Keep at it.

Ty for the advice I will do what I can to keep these things in mind if I continue to write.

thanks Pure

 

[doormouse]

Ty for the advice I will do what I can to keep these things in mind if I continue to write.

thanks Pure

What do you mean 'if I continue to write'.

You should see my first stories LOL *cringe*

My later ones aren't much better, but it doesn't stop me LOL

Keep at it.