Oh crap... now what do I do?

[Red Menace]

Hiya A/all... it's been a while... But I need some sympathetic ears and maybe a little advice.

Sir and I have been really rocky lately. We almost broke up but after taking a step back and renegotiating a lot of things we sort of got back on track together and are working towards some sort of relationship that satisfies both of us.

Well... while we were sort of not getting along so well, he went out and played with someone else. Our deal has always been that if he wants to play with another person, he will tell me his intentions beforehand. I wasn't aware that he was going to be out playing when he said he was going to be doing a demo. I found out today exactly what that meant (namely, him beating some subbie's ass for the benefit of some group.) So, being a little hurt and already having permission to go out to the local club by myself, I asked if I could play with someone else if the opportunity presented itself. He said yes, but I didn't really think I'd do it. I just wanted to know how he'd feel about it.

But I did end up playing... with a guy I've been attracted to for a while and I know Sir trusts and respects... and I had a great time. In fact, I had a much better time with this other Dom than I've ever had with Sir. He was concerned about what what I wanted and what would make me feel good, what I was comfortable with and where my limits are... and honestly, I've never been that aroused during a scene before.

I know I'll have to tell Sir what happened (which I'm really dreading because I feel like I've betrayed him)... but I'm wondering if I wouldn't be better off pursuing something with this Dom (who's single and interested in me) or just chalking it up to a good experience and something to work towards with Sir. I also wonder if things would be different in a relationship with the other Dom than they were just playing with him in a carefully negotiated scene. Or maybe I should just take some time off from relationships altogether and sort out my feelings, wants and needs....

I'm so confused...

 

[dankei]

You know whether you're happy or not

Hello Red,

I'm not a believer in "making relationships work", unless there are children involved and the problems are relatively minor. Relationships need effort but they really shouldn't be a constant struggle. You have to judge the amount of struggling that both you and your Dom have to endure just to keep things together and if it is really worth the time and effort. Are you getting what you want and need out of your current Dom? If not then the answer is obvious.

If your current Don is also your SO, don't leave him to be with another. Leave him because you want more. Remember, most new things seem better than what we already have so don't leave thinking your experience with the new Dom will be repeated. If you are unhappy, leave your current Dom but don't commit yourself to another Dom until you are sure. The new Dom may not be the one that you end up with but he has certainly showed you that there are better experiences out there waiting for you if you make the effort to discover.

If your current Dom is not your SO then the decision is fairly easy and obvious.

I sometimes think that when people say that they are confused they are actually just afraid to say out loud the decision that they have already made in their minds.

 

[bunny bondage]

ok, this might not be very helpful, but it's always worked for me. imagine that you've already broken up with your current dom and are with the new one. i mean REALLY imagine it, think about the things which you'll miss about your current dom, think about the things you won't miss. how do you feel about it? scared, to be sure, but are you REALLY happy with your current relationship? are you closing off doors to better things for the sake of staying someplace safe and comfortable? i guess i'm just saying listen to your heart, your feelings, think over every aspect, don't let fear guide you, and decide what is ultimatly going to make YOU happy. argh, i don't think i've articulated myself very well...

 

[MissTaken]

Red,

Decisions dont' have to be made today. Think upon your Master as a man, first. Is this the man you want to be with?

Sometimes, the nuances of BDSM seem to outweigh the genuine interaction that takes place between two people and that is a good time to step back, take a breather and evaluate your feelings, desires and goals.

Then, when talking to your Master, perhaps he may recognize what you need in your description of feeling like you have found it elsewhere?

In general terms, I would never recommend playing with someone else when a relationship is rocky. That is just my perspective and I am not passing judgement.

You do the soul searching and be sure to communicate honestly and openly with your Master.

I can only reiterate what has been said in so far as a potential separation is concerned. If you and your Master dont' remain together, some time on your own would give you space to explore yourself and your needs and objectives. Going to this other man, is likely to cloud that much needed time for healing and growth.

Best wishes and hugs

MissT

 

[P. B. Walker]

I personally think this is one of great dangers in having an "open" relationship. Although, it doesn't sound like yours was as open as others that I've heard about. But anytime you open that door to allow your partner to even dabble, you will encounter problems. The grass is always greener elsewhere.

I know that doesn't solve anything.

My only advice is pretty simple. Follow your heart and instincts. Try to step back and analyze both situations. Best of luck to you.

PBW

 

[Cirrus]

I know this is anectodal and maybe of not much help, but I've just been through something VERY similar. My Dom and I had been having problems for a while, most of them mine. And I'm not just saying that...in almost all my relationships I have gotten unreasonably jealous and possessive, this time was no different.

I told him it was over. I don't know that I ever really meant it, but I wasn't really thinking straight at the time.

The 3 days that followed were absolute HELL. Literally everything in my apartment, and almost everywhere I went reminded me of him and our good times, which considerably outweighed the bad. I realized how much of a history we actually have, and what a huge mistake I had made.

Long story short, we're trying to patch things up. He's been very honest, and has told me straight out that I damaged a lot of trust, and we may not get back to where we were before. But we're making an effort. Still, it hurts me to know that I may have permanently damaged the best thing I've ever had. I want a guarantee, I want him to be able to say "It's OK, we're back together", but I know he's worried that I'll do the same thing again. And he has a right to be.

So what I'm saying, is before you end things for good with Sir, make sure it's what you really want and think is best for both of you for the right reasons. You know what those are to you, and only you can make the ultimate decision, but don't do anything in haste...you may not get a second change if you have a change of heart.

 

[under where]

Off Subject-

I'm horrible with relationships, in fact I lack one, and pretty much any advice I could give you would be complete bullshit, but I'd like to say you make the word Sir the cutest word in the BDSM language.

 

[Red Menace]

Thanks for all your help and advice...

I still don't know what I really want to do, but for now I think I'm going stay with Sir. Miss T, you're right, I don't have to make a decision right now. I like him as a man, as a SO and as a mentor. I guess the beauty of an open relationship is that I can enjoy different playstyles but still have the stability of the one I've grown to know and care for.

PB - I totally agree with you. Our relationship is far more open than I would prefer. However, if he's going to play with others then so am I.

dankei, I think you may be right about that confusion thing, but like Sir often says, "just because you can, doesn't mean you should." I'd hate to make a big mistake because I based a decision on one night of high emotions. bunny bondage, that made a lot of sense and I tried your suggestion. Turns out there's more good things than things I'd like to change.

I hope things work out for you and your Dom, Cirrus.

 

[cellis]

Just a few thoughts about this subject... and by the way Red I am glad to see that you are able to consider all the options.

First and foremost I have said this time and again... Himself and I are two people in a relationship... the fact that He likes to spank my ass and tie me up is secondary to who we are as people.

A relationship has a life of its own whether there is BDSM involved or not. But the relationship has to come first.

Second, I think that adding other people to the mix when things are not going so well within the relationship is asking for trouble. Having recently been involved in the "poly" thing, I can tell you that I have had to work hard to see what my role is in our relationship.

I am a firm believer that you don't throw a relationship away, but if there are no children involved as dankei stated then why keep trying if things are not working.

 

[justgem]

.

 

[LuLu2]

I also wonder if things would be different in a relationship with the other Dom than they were just playing with him in a carefully negotiated scene. Or maybe I should just take some time off from relationships altogether and sort out my feelings, wants and needs....

Well of course things would be different if you started a relationship with this guy. Afterall some of the most exciting sex is the "first sex" we have with someone. If it were me, I wouldn't tell him until youv'e thought it through for a while. Theres no rush. Remember once something is said or done you can't take it back.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I know this is anectodal and maybe of not much help, but I've just been through something VERY similar. My Dom and I had been having problems for a while, most of them mine. And I'm not just saying that...in almost all my relationships I have gotten unreasonably jealous and possessive, this time was no different.

I told him it was over. I don't know that I ever really meant it, but I wasn't really thinking straight at the time.

The 3 days that followed were absolute HELL. Literally everything in my apartment, and almost everywhere I went reminded me of him and our good times, which considerably outweighed the bad. I realized how much of a history we actually have, and what a huge mistake I had made.

Long story short, we're trying to patch things up. He's been very honest, and has told me straight out that I damaged a lot of trust, and we may not get back to where we were before. But we're making an effort. Still, it hurts me to know that I may have permanently damaged the best thing I've ever had. I want a guarantee, I want him to be able to say "It's OK, we're back together", but I know he's worried that I'll do the same thing again. And he has a right to be.

So what I'm saying, is before you end things for good with Sir, make sure it's what you really want and think is best for both of you for the right reasons. You know what those are to you, and only you can make the ultimate decision, but don't do anything in haste...you may not get a second change if you have a change of heart.

Hi Cirrus. So glad to hear that you and your Dom have made a mutual decision to work things out.

Jealousy and possessiveness is very damaging to many aspects of a relationship. We are taught from an early age that people are "ours." We are taught to value each other as possessions instead of letting us just be ourselves, alone, together, travelling down the road of life.

Try not to beat your self up about the past. Consider this. You may not be able to have what was in the past; but you can have something different that is bigger and stronger that what came before.

Best wishes to you both,

Eb

 

[Red Menace]

Cellis, I agree completely that the relationship has to come first. I realized there is a lot I like about Sir outside of him spanking me. Actually, most of what I like about him has less and less to do with the way we play. I was just so floored when I experienced something different, I got a little carried away.

question: do you see your relationship with your Dom as affecting you primarily in an unhealthy way?

bw
gem

That's a good question... One I don't have a good answer for. Sometimes I feel very lucky to be with someone who has as much experience as he does and someone who I feel I can trust completely to have enough knowledge and skill to keep me safe. And I believe that he truly thinks he supports me, encourages me to grow and nurtures me. Problem is, I don't always feel that from him. Sometimes I question his ability to translate his feelings into a language that makes sense to me and I draw back from him. So... physically, I see it as very healthy. Emotionally... well, we have some things to work out.

He will always be poly. I'm not going to change him... I'm not even going to try. This is the first time he's played with someone else and I'm going to reserve judgement on my feelings about it until it happens again. Who knows... maybe I'll feel different about it if it happens when our relationship is in a better place.

Lulu2, lol... you're right, you're right. And I didn't say anything about that because I realized I was just flying high on emotions and not considering the realities of the situation.

 

[MissTaken]

Good for you, Red.

It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders.

Thank you for posting with such openess and insight into your personal life. It gives us all food for thought and I am glad to see that you are feeling okay with where you are now.

 

[Guest]

moral dilemma

well red, i admire your loyalty to your dom. it's obvious you are a faithful sub, and i can identify with your dilemma. although, you seem like an intelligent woman, and you know that being true to what you want and need should take precedence over being someone's good lil subbie. sometimes the lines between needing to be someone's sub and needing to satisfy your emotional needs are blurred. if you trust your sub implicitly i would suggest alot of open communication... now i know what that can lead to with the wrong dom. so if you think it might get violent or out of control - then you know things are no longer in the best interest. in the end, of course, it's most important that you are happy and safe. wish you the best of luck.

p.s. love the bettie page pic. i've been collecting them for years



' the clitoris is between the ears "

 

[Red Menace]

Re: moral dilemma

well red, i admire your loyalty to your dom. it's obvious you are a faithful sub, and i can identify with your dilemma.

LOL. I don't know if I'm a faithful sub or just an emotional masochist.

 

[Guest]

well now

well now, that idea has some delicious possibilities all its own. an emotional masochist. i think i'll have to find one of those just to see what makes it tick