O.K. let me have it straight up...

[joecoffeeman]

Thank you for taking time to read this post, and for the time you spend considering my stories.

I have a lot of fun here at lit, and I have met some really good friends.

So, I am discreet about my stories, but I really want some feedback, and this is the place for it, so sit back, have fun, share them with someone fun, and let me know what you think...

If you would rather not post here, just pm me. I promise to answer all who desire a response!!

Story links:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=62341

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=62850

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=61658

Thanks!!

joecoffeeman

 

[kristydoll]

hi joecoffeeman,

I read your story "Restrained", mainly because I like to read bdsm stories the most.

As an overall read, I could enjoy the scene that you set up. The expandable toy was a nice touch.

My only real criticisms would be:
a) in the format used to tell this story. I think this scene and "her" feelings could have been developed more if she had her own "voice". Using the second POV ("You") is harder to do well. Sometimes, and this depends on the reader, using "you" tends to allow the reader the opportunity to "argue" with you, the writer, while they are reading the story. When you give your female character her own voice, reader's can escape into that character and "feel" what "she" is feeling.

b) this point may be just me (and I have not had enough coffee yet), but in a couple of sections, I got lost in your description of what was happening. One was the description of how she was "bound". I won't comment too much because I would like to read it again later to see if it flows into a better picture.

Otherwise, good job and keep writing. It was a nice little read with my morning coffee *smiles*

and btw...did you know that your story repeats itself? At first, I had thought you had used the exact same paragraph twice in your story when I realized the story was starting again. Like I said before, maybe I am not quite awake yet.

kristy

 

[joecoffeeman]

Thanks!

Kristy - Thanks for the feedback!! I really appreciate it very much.

I would also like to thank all who have PM'ed or emailed me replies. I will carefully consider all of what is said. One item that is a recurring point of feedback is the POV that most of my stories are written from. I will be expanding on the suggestions, but to explain myself thus far, I will repeat what i told someone earlier as a response to their email:

"...thanks for the feedback on the story. I know exactly what you are saying about Point of View...

Going to third person opens up all sorts of doors for going to f/f scenarios and just some better storytelling. Most of the things I have written so far were directed at a particular woman, actually written for someone, so that's where the first person POV comes from...."

Thanks Again!!!

 

[the_bragis]

Hello joecoffeman,

Since your stories are very short, I decided to read all three of them.

This is what I noted:

You have a nice easy to read style of writing.

Your grammar, spelling, and punctuation all looked fine to me.

I enjoyed what I read. Your work has a nice amount of sizzle.

But joe, you are doing yourself a disservice by writing in the second person. Many readers will simply close the window when they see a story written in this mode. I must say from my personal point of view, no matter how well a second person story is done, it's always feels slightly awkward to me.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day,

Alex. (fem)

 

[Cooksie]

I read Disappointed Lover and thought your writing was well done, sentences nicely paced and varied. The one sentence that stuck out for me, though, was:

I kept finding all these spots inside myself that you should have been hitting with your cock, had you been here to fuck me like you said that you would be

It seemed formal or stilted with all the has & be verb construction. I would lose the whole second half of the sentence, since it basically gives the same info as the first half.

The only other awkward spot was Yours orgasm in that there is no indication that its coming except "…And then I came like this.", which seemed too sudden and too calm. And Yours seems to immediately launch back into her admonishments. As the reader, it came and went so fast, and left not a trace, that it was like the orgasm never happened.

I also have to say that, as a rule, I do not enjoy 2nd person perspective. I understand doing that if you were writing directly to a specific person... but I'm not that person, and knowing that tends to alienate.

I will usually identify with the narator, but the 2nd person really confuses that, i.e. I'm reading along and putting myself in I's shoes while continually being told that I should be thinking You's thoughts.

A suggestion for if you want to keep the 2nd person, or especially the address to a specific person: write the stories as though they were the private letters between the two lovers. That format has it's own dangers (tends to lack immediacy), but an excellently done example would be Clarissa by Samuel Richardson... that's 18th century stuff, but done at a time when letter writing really was an art form.

 

[joecoffeeman]

Thanks!

Thank you cooksie and the_bragis for your feedback.

Very much appreciated.

 

[joecoffeeman]

bump... hehe

Yeah, I know....

BUMP

 

[sirhugs]

Hello joecoffeman,

Since your stories are very short, I decided to read all three of them.

This is what I noted:

You have a nice easy to read style of writing.

Your grammar, spelling, and punctuation all looked fine to me.

I enjoyed what I read. Your work has a nice amount of sizzle.

But joe, you are doing yourself a disservice by writing in the second person. Many readers will simply close the window when they see a story written in this mode. I must say from my personal point of view, no matter how well a second person story is done, it's always feels slightly awkward to me.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day,

Alex. (fem)

I read " Disappointed Lover" and I agree that the second person style is a turnoff. So is the use of passive voice. Also, titles probably trouble me more than anything, and yours I suspect would cause people not to open the link.

I would have liked more dialogogue, and more buil up before the sex.

Otherwise an excellent effort.

 

[M.A.Thompson]

But joe, you are doing yourself a disservice by writing in the second person. Many readers will simply close the window when they see a story written in this mode. I must say from my personal point of view, no matter how well a second person story is done, it's always feels slightly awkward to me.

Joe,

I can not agree with the _Bragis anymore on this. Your stories are good but when you write in the 2nd person, you automatically lose half of your audience.

When I read 'Disapointed Lover', "I" was quite surprised that "you" found "me" in "your" bed. "I" was flattered, however, that you think "My" ass is perfect.

Not trying to pick on you, just trying to make my point.

Keep up the good work!!!!

M.A.