midwestyankee
Literotica Guru
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You know, the first time I read this my response was, "Are you kidding? I just lick my stamps..." and then I read it again. It's a "p" Yank, a "p."Sir_Winston54 said:
Now this was really funny
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Sir_Winston54
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http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x95/Sir_Winston54/laughing-smiley-014.gifmidwestyankee said:
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
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One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my
list,
but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so
I'll
tell
you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who
weren't
quite
as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take
their
place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the
door to
the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water.
Ted
kept
diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over,
and
over he
dove in
and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I
don't
think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al
Gore
with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was
swing
that
hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I
would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all
day,"
commente d OJ.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton,
lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs
restrained
in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what
she
does
best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah
man,
I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said .. . .
(This is priceless)
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my
list,
but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so
I'll
tell
you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who
weren't
quite
as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take
their
place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the
door to
the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water.
Ted
kept
diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over,
and
over he
dove in
and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I
don't
think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al
Gore
with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was
swing
that
hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I
would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all
day,"
commente d OJ.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton,
lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs
restrained
in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what
she
does
best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah
man,
I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said .. . .
(This is priceless)
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now. . . . .
No Jesus
No Christmas
No television
No cheerleaders
No baseball
No football
No hockey
No Nascar
No tailgate parties
No Wal-Mart
No Home Depot
No pork BBQ
No hot dogs
No burgers
No chocolate chip cookies
No lobster
No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks
No gumbo
No jambalaya
No Beer
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
More than one wife.
You can't shave.
Your wives can't shave.
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey .
But your donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
I mean, really, is there a mystery here, HELLO?
No Jesus
No Christmas
No television
No cheerleaders
No baseball
No football
No hockey
No Nascar
No tailgate parties
No Wal-Mart
No Home Depot
No pork BBQ
No hot dogs
No burgers
No chocolate chip cookies
No lobster
No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks
No gumbo
No jambalaya
No Beer
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
More than one wife.
You can't shave.
Your wives can't shave.
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey .
But your donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
I mean, really, is there a mystery here, HELLO?
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is hilarious. From a show on Canadian TV, there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.
Number 1 - He played the sax.
Number 2 - He smoked weed.
Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.
Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he doesn't! And, he gets a check from the government every month.
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America 's shelves this week with " Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations'most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada .
When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."
The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."
Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes."
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.
Number 1 - He played the sax.
Number 2 - He smoked weed.
Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.
Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he doesn't! And, he gets a check from the government every month.
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America 's shelves this week with " Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations'most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada .
When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."
The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."
Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes."
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother
> was making dinner.
> His birthday was coming up and he thought this was
> a good time to tell
> his Mother what he wanted.
>
> "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Leroy
> was a bit of a
> troublemaker He had gotten into trouble at school
> and at home. Leroy's
> mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a
> bike for his
> birthday. "Of course", he said.
> Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him
> to reflect on his
> behavior over the last year. "Go to your room ,
> Leroy, and think about
> how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter
> to God and tell him
> why you deserve a bike for your birthday."
>
> Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and
> sat down to write God
> a letter.
>
> Letter 1
> Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and
> I would like a bike
> for my birthday. I want a red one.
> Your friend, Leroy.
>
> Leroy knew that it was not true. He had not been a
> good boy this year,
> so he tore it up and started over.
>
> Letter 2
> Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year. I still
> would like a bike
> for my birthday. Leroy. Leroy knew he could not
> send this letter to God
> either. So, Leroy wrote a third letter.
>
> Letter 3
> Dear God, I know I haven't been a good boy this
> year. I am very sorry.
> I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for
> my birthday.
> Please! Thank you, Leroy.
>
> Leroy knew that it was not true. By now he was very
> upset. He went
> downstairs and told his mother that he needed to go
> to
> church.
>
> She thought her plan had worked.
>
> " Just be home for dinner," she told him. Leroy
> walked down the street
> to the church on the corner.
>
> He went to the altar. Leroy looked around to see if
> anyone was looking
> as he bent down and picked up a statue of the
> Virgin Mary.
>
> He slipped it up under his shirt and ran out the
> church going back
> home. He ran to his room and shut the door. Leroy
> began to write his
> letter to God.
>
> Letter 4
> Dear God,
>
> I got your mama.
>
> If you want to see her again, send the bike.
>
> Signed, You know who.
> was making dinner.
> His birthday was coming up and he thought this was
> a good time to tell
> his Mother what he wanted.
>
> "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Leroy
> was a bit of a
> troublemaker He had gotten into trouble at school
> and at home. Leroy's
> mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a
> bike for his
> birthday. "Of course", he said.
> Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him
> to reflect on his
> behavior over the last year. "Go to your room ,
> Leroy, and think about
> how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter
> to God and tell him
> why you deserve a bike for your birthday."
>
> Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and
> sat down to write God
> a letter.
>
> Letter 1
> Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and
> I would like a bike
> for my birthday. I want a red one.
> Your friend, Leroy.
>
> Leroy knew that it was not true. He had not been a
> good boy this year,
> so he tore it up and started over.
>
> Letter 2
> Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year. I still
> would like a bike
> for my birthday. Leroy. Leroy knew he could not
> send this letter to God
> either. So, Leroy wrote a third letter.
>
> Letter 3
> Dear God, I know I haven't been a good boy this
> year. I am very sorry.
> I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for
> my birthday.
> Please! Thank you, Leroy.
>
> Leroy knew that it was not true. By now he was very
> upset. He went
> downstairs and told his mother that he needed to go
> to
> church.
>
> She thought her plan had worked.
>
> " Just be home for dinner," she told him. Leroy
> walked down the street
> to the church on the corner.
>
> He went to the altar. Leroy looked around to see if
> anyone was looking
> as he bent down and picked up a statue of the
> Virgin Mary.
>
> He slipped it up under his shirt and ran out the
> church going back
> home. He ran to his room and shut the door. Leroy
> began to write his
> letter to God.
>
> Letter 4
> Dear God,
>
> I got your mama.
>
> If you want to see her again, send the bike.
>
> Signed, You know who.
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
40 Things You'd Love To Say Out Loud At Work
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder--my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different...
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder--my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different...
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
You could have knocked me over with a feather when my two older daughters, both in their 50s, announced they were marrying their longtime boyfriends.
"Well, no one can accuse them of having a shotgun wedding," I joked when I shared the good news with their younger sister.
"You got that right," Lori agreed. "More like a stun gun wedding."
***
Try a Tattoo
My fiancé is not a sentimental guy, so I was pleasantly surprised when he asked a jeweler to engrave the inside of our wedding rings with our names and wedding date.
"That's sweet," I gushed.
"Sweet has nothing to do with it," he said. "I just don't want to forget our anniversary next year."
***
No one expects a page-turner when I write detailed reports about my specialty, rock formations, for the Bureau of Land Management. Still, even I was less than thrilled by the snooze-inducing title "Ferrous Layers of Barbados." Luckily, the subtitle helped a bit: "Pyrites of the Caribbean."
-- Merle Graffam
***
A computer geek is crossing the road when he sees a frog, which opens its mouth and starts talking.
"If you kiss me," the frog says, "I'll turn into a beautiful princess, stay with you for a week and do anything you want."
The guy smiles and puts the frog in his pocket.
"Did you hear me?" asks the frog. "A beautiful princess? For a week?"
"Look," says the nerd, "I haven't got time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog -- now, that's cool."
"Well, no one can accuse them of having a shotgun wedding," I joked when I shared the good news with their younger sister.
"You got that right," Lori agreed. "More like a stun gun wedding."
***
Try a Tattoo
My fiancé is not a sentimental guy, so I was pleasantly surprised when he asked a jeweler to engrave the inside of our wedding rings with our names and wedding date.
"That's sweet," I gushed.
"Sweet has nothing to do with it," he said. "I just don't want to forget our anniversary next year."
***
No one expects a page-turner when I write detailed reports about my specialty, rock formations, for the Bureau of Land Management. Still, even I was less than thrilled by the snooze-inducing title "Ferrous Layers of Barbados." Luckily, the subtitle helped a bit: "Pyrites of the Caribbean."
-- Merle Graffam
***
A computer geek is crossing the road when he sees a frog, which opens its mouth and starts talking.
"If you kiss me," the frog says, "I'll turn into a beautiful princess, stay with you for a week and do anything you want."
The guy smiles and puts the frog in his pocket.
"Did you hear me?" asks the frog. "A beautiful princess? For a week?"
"Look," says the nerd, "I haven't got time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog -- now, that's cool."
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
Krinaia said:
LOL Another good one to memorize for those things is the 'thing to do when bored at walmart'.
My favorite is sneak boxes of condoms in random grocery carts.
My friends favorite is hide in the clothing racks and when people go by say 'Pick Me, Pick Me'.
once or twice back in high school when i worked retail - we'd not desensitive the alarms in the condoms people paid for so that they'd buzz the door and have to have the condom box removed from their bag and beduzzed. we were bored and up to no good! we probably deserved spankings, the whole lot of us.
Sir_Winston54
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- Jul 15, 2004
- Posts
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Would you like to collect those well-deserved spankings? I'm sure there's someone in your area who would be happy to oblige.Krinaia said:
Sir_Winston54
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Or a Spoonerized debuzzed... it made me chuckle, too.graceanne said:beduzzed?I like that word. Sorta a cross between bedazzled and buzzed. hehe
brioche
Work in Progress
- Joined
- Jan 14, 2004
- Posts
- 2,029
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well for example, the other day Marilyn and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So Marilyn called him a s***head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care, because we came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
Well for example, the other day Marilyn and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So Marilyn called him a s***head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care, because we came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
SubKekiLee
DrkSwords pet
- Joined
- Jun 21, 2007
- Posts
- 2,593
too funny
This would be me when I am RETIRED!!!! hahaha
brioche said:
This would be me when I am RETIRED!!!! hahaha
Sir_Winston54
Assume the position!
- Joined
- Jul 15, 2004
- Posts
- 14,027
Sir_Winston54
Assume the position!
- Joined
- Jul 15, 2004
- Posts
- 14,027
Except for # 8, 9, and 10, you're a seriously disturbed woman!graceanne said:
