Now this was really funny

[graceanne]

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his Wife.
He is shown several possibilities that rang from $250. to $500. in price.
The more sheer , the higher the price.
He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500. and takes the
lingerie home . He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs,
put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea it's so sheer, That it might as well
be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow
and keep the $500. refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500.,
they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot . . . . .
The fureral is on Thursday . . . . .


GOD BLESS
THE END

 

[graceanne]

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She w as then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

NOTE: PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ANYONE WHO NEEDS A LAUGH.



REMEMBER: LAUGHING LOWERS THE BLOOD PRESSURE

 

[graceanne]

Element: Women
Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted at 53.6 kg, but known to vary between 40 &
200 kg
Occurrences: Copious quantities in all urban areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious
stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no know
reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly when
saturated in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.

TESTS:

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained
at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct
contact with each other.

 

[graceanne]

Man - A Chemical Analysis

Element: Man
Symbol: Ah (short for Asshole)
Quantitative: Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short
as 4 inches.
Discoverer: Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a
craving for ribs)
Occurrence: Found following duel element Wo, often in high
concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.

Physical properties:
a) Surface often covered with hair bristly in some areas, soft in others.
b) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced wth Logic and Common
Sense, melts if treated like a God.
c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).
d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with
Wo (Snore... zzzzz).
f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive
to extremely thick.
h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
i) Ore damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form
of the Wo common ore.
j) When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only
when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied

Chemical properties:
a) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is
possible.
b) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely
favorable conditions.
c) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
d) Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
e) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction
effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red.)
f) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.
g) When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel most
other elements.
h) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
i) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of
the malodorous variety.
j) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.

Storage:
a) Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for
favorable reaction style.
a) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for
Wo...
b) Can be used in recreational activities.

Tests:
a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens
broadcast information on many wavelengths.

Caution:
a) Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with
reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very maleable
under correct conditions.

 

[graceanne]

A Blonde Finally Wins

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

 

[graceanne]

A hot red convertible with an equally hot woman driver raced by as my husband and his friend stopped to stare. "Wow," sighed Rick. "Nice." "Yeah," agreed his buddy, transfixed. "What color was the car?" I asked. They answered simultaneously, "Blonde."

 

[graceanne]

Every year the folks at Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch have their hands full trying to pick the winners of their annual Wacky Warning Labels. There were a lot of contenders, but in the end, these were the wackiest:

A label on a washing machine urges patrons "Do not put any person in this washer."

For all you neat freaks out there, SuperLotto places this warning on its tickets: "Do Not Iron."

No matter how many phone calls you make in the rain, one cell phone suggests "Don't try to dry your phone in a microwave oven."

 

[neonflux]

I found both of these, but particularly this one, extremely clever.

Man - A Chemical Analysis

Element: Man
Symbol: Ah (short for Asshole)
Quantitative: Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short
as 4 inches.
Discoverer: Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a
craving for ribs)
Occurrence: Found following duel element Wo, often in high
concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.

Physical properties:
a) Surface often covered with hair bristly in some areas, soft in others.
b) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced wth Logic and Common
Sense, melts if treated like a God.
c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).
d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with
Wo (Snore... zzzzz).
f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive
to extremely thick.
h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
i) Ore damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form
of the Wo common ore.
j) When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only
when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied

Chemical properties:
a) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is
possible.
b) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely
favorable conditions.
c) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
d) Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
e) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction
effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red.)
f) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.
g) When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel most
other elements.
h) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
i) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of
the malodorous variety.
j) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.

Storage:
a) Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for
favorable reaction style.
a) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for
Wo...
b) Can be used in recreational activities.

Tests:
a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens
broadcast information on many wavelengths.

Caution:
a) Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with
reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very maleable
under correct conditions.

 

[graceanne]

Still groggy from an operation, the patient was in an agitated state. "Nurse," he moaned, "I heard the surgeon use a four-letter word, and it caused me great distress."

"What did the surgeon say?" asked the nurse.

"Oops."

 

[graceanne]

I found both of these, but particularly this one, extremely clever.

LOL I just wish I'd thought it up.

 

[graceanne]

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After
a while he asked: "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for
cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so
old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you
must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."


STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much,
that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."


BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a chewable aspirin. She tried in
vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom
explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes
wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"


SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't
give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."


D. I. (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I
cost?"


MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing
in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is
he whispering in her mouth?"


CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what
was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed
when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"


JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named
Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked
back and was turned to salt. Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the
flea?"


TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled
woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why
doesn't your skin fit your face?"


The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.. This particular Sunday
sermon... "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven
and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust."
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who
was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill
little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

 

[graceanne]

Roses & Hanging Baskets



A teenage granddaughter

comes downstairs for her date

with this see-through blouse on and no bra.


Her grandmother just pitched a fit,

telling her not to dare go out like that!


The teenager tells her

"Loosen up Grams.


These are modern times.

You gotta let your rose buds show!"


and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs,


and the grandmother is sitting there with no top

on.


The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother


that she has friends coming over

and that it is just not appropriate.....


The grandmother says,

"Loosen up Sweetie.


If you can show off your rose buds,

then I can display my hanging baskets.

 

[graceanne]

They Walk Among Us

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I
gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back
to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave
her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was
educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I
gave her the money back again...same scenario! I departed the store
with the $46.64.

...............They Walk Among Us

I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a
sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little
chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already
buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free" She
handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.

...............They Walk Among Us

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of
them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky
and said, "Where?"

...............They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent
which
direction was east because, he explained, he didn't want the sun
waking him up every morning. She asked, "Doesn't the sun rise in the
north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and
has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up
with that stuff."

...............They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I
got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was
open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7
days
a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to
end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

...............They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a
seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

...............They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were>discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The
cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

...............They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to
the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never
showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a
trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me,
has
your plane arrived yet?"

...............They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small
pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he
would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some
time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm
hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

...............Yep, They Walk Among Us!

They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce, and WORST OF ALL...................................they VOTE!

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Y'all may have seen this before, but it's worth reading again...

From Neal Boortz

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid lady...why else would I buy dog food??

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Do you feel safe from government spying/intrusion on your life? Go to this site and enter your cell phone number to see how quickly it can locate you!

 

[graceanne]

1. When choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water
down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone
else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. To treat high blood pressure: simply cut yourself and bleed for
a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use
a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent
you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then
you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it
doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and
does, use the duct tape. (If you take this advice - you also qualify as a red-neck.)

8. When confused remember, everyone seems normal until you get to
know them.

 

[neonflux]

1. When choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water
down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone
else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. To treat high blood pressure: simply cut yourself and bleed for
a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use
a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent
you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then
you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it
doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and
does, use the duct tape. (If you take this advice - you also qualify as a red-neck.)

8. When confused remember, everyone seems normal until you get to
know them.

Dare I say it? You are indeed a very perverse sort of being, Miss Grace.

 

[graceanne]

Dare I say it? You are indeed a very perverse sort of being, Miss Grace.

Moi? *bats eyes*

 

[graceanne]

The great cursor mystery

This is very technical... leave it to the Japanese to figure it out.



Have you ever wondered what makes the arrow cursor move through the screen?



http://www.1-click.jp/



Click on the link, move your cursor inside the circle and/or click the mouse, and see what happens....and if you really want some fun, wiggle it really fast!

 

[Sir_Winston54]

http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x95/Sir_Winston54/lcrwiz070610.gif

 

[m wisdom]

wii spanking

Enjoy
http://208.116.9.205/10/graphics/movies/movies_wii_spanking.wmv

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Enjoy
http://208.116.9.205/10/graphics/movies/movies_wii_spanking.wmv

Ya know, if a male Dom version of that were actually available on wii, I'd be tempted to buy the console...

 

[Sir_Winston54]

You'd never guess where my mind is...

Typing a transcript of a session where the judge speaks Spanish to a Spanish-speaking witness - fortunately, they don't expect me to transliterate or translate! - I didn't notice until a couple of lines later that I had typed

COURT INTERPRETER: The interpreter requests that the witness be instructed to wait until the entire question is asked before answering.​

THE COURT: (Speaking Spankish.)​

ETA: Well, I just checked to make sure - my spellchecker would have caught it...

 

[graceanne]

You'd never guess where my mind is...

Typing a transcript of a session where the judge speaks Spanish to a Spanish-speaking witness - fortunately, they don't expect me to transliterate or translate! - I didn't notice until a couple of lines later that I had typed

COURT INTERPRETER: The interpreter requests that the witness be instructed to wait until the entire question is asked before answering.​

THE COURT: (Speaking Spankish.)​

ETA: Well, I just checked to make sure - my spellchecker would have caught it...

LOL Is that the new language?

 

[Kajira Callista]

FALL CLASSES FOR MEN
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, August 28, 2007
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.




Classes begin Monday, September 4, 2007



Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.




Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.




Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.




Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.




Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.




Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.




Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.




Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.




Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.




Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.!




Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesday at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.




Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours! Be ginning at 7:00 PM.




Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.



Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined​