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Now this was really funny

I dunno about "really funny," but at least amusing:

IF ONLY LIFE COULD BE LIKE A COMPUTER:
  • If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!
  • To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
  • If you needed a break from life, click on suspend. Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
  • To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
  • To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
  • To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
  • If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
  • When you lose your car keys (or your mind?), click on find.
  • "Help" with the chores is just an F1 away.
  • Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary. You would use your backup disk to recover from a crash.
 
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Side of Life



1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.

Bad: it's triplets.

Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.



2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.

Bad: She wants a divorce.

Ugly: She's a lawyer.



3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing.

Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.

Ugly: So are you.



4 .. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids.

Bad: Your wife can't find her birth control pills.

Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.



5 .. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion.

Bad: He's a cross-dresser.

Ugly: He looks better than your wife.



6. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your 10 year old daughter.

Bad: She keeps interrupting.

Ugly: With corrections


8. Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job

Bad: As a hooker.

Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.

Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do.
 
TooTiredToLive said:
Put the grace/sammy quote back in! :p
Click to expand...

I moved 'em to my blog site (see below)- since they've been there a while, and my sig's getting too long for new quote. They'll be back, don't worry.
 
I think I've seen this, but wasn't sure so . . .

AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY.....

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into
a
grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out
laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for
himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the
lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat
down under a sign that said,
"The DoubleMint Twins are Coming and I grinned." "Then she moved and
sat
under a sign that said, ' Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling',
and I had to smile. "Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign
that
said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain
myself." "BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under
a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this
Accident'... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!" Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to
someone else!!
 
I was shopping at Wal-Mart and noticed a little old lady following me around. I stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at me. She finally overtook me at the checkout, and she turned to me and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late daughter ." I answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom,' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, I called out, "Good-bye, Mom." The little old lady waved, and smiled back at me . Pleased that I had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, I turned back to the clerk to pay for my groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. "How come so much!? I only bought 5 items.." The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
 
Ebonyfire said:
Now what is REALLY funny is the comedy show In Living Color, they had a bit where Tommy Davidson was MC Hammer and he danced so hard to
"Can't Touch This" that he danced out of his genie pants, lol!

Loved that show!

Eb
Click to expand...
Chuckle ... well hello there darlin'. Long time no see again.
 
It's that time again!

Yes, it's that magical time of the again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....

And now, the Honorable Mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15.

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering humankind, please share these with your friends and family ... unless of course one of these 10 individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost
 
thank you, Graceanne! - this has my funny bone set for the whole day :D Neon

graceanne said:
It's that time again!

Yes, it's that magical time of the again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....

And now, the Honorable Mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15.

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering humankind, please share these with your friends and family ... unless of course one of these 10 individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost
Click to expand...
 
Subject: Audit


The IRS decides to audit Ray, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS
auditor is not surprised when Ray shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ray. "How about a
demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ray says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ray removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops. Ray says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand
dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Ray isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ray removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with
Ray's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ray asks "I'll bet you six thousand
dollars
that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket
on
the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides
there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ray stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains
mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other
side,
so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major
loss
into a huge win. But Ray's attorney moans and puts his head in his
hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ray told me he'd
been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he
could
come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about
it."
 
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