Now this was really funny
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graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
things that are hard to say when drunk
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
'I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.'
--Tom Clancy
'You know 'that look' women get when they want sex? Me neither.'
--Steve Martin
'Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.'
--Woody Allen
'Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.'
--George Burns
'Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.'
--Sharon Stone
' Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.'
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
'Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.'
--Robin Williams
'Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.'
--Billy Crystal
'According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.'
--Robert De Niro
'Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.'
--Rod Stewart
'See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.'
--Robin Williams
--Tom Clancy
'You know 'that look' women get when they want sex? Me neither.'
--Steve Martin
'Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.'
--Woody Allen
'Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.'
--George Burns
'Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.'
--Sharon Stone
' Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.'
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
'Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.'
--Robin Williams
'Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.'
--Billy Crystal
'According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.'
--Robert De Niro
'Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.'
--Rod Stewart
'See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.'
--Robin Williams
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
Retirement Planning
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one
year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the
original $1000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00
left.
If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines
stock you would have $49.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer
one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the
aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment
advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
It's called the 401-Keg Plan.
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one
year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the
original $1000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00
left.
If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines
stock you would have $49.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer
one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the
aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment
advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
It's called the 401-Keg Plan.
wouldloveto
Old Geek
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2006
- Posts
- 1,653
Thank you!
Oh my graceanne,
You are not 'too tired', you are too funny!
Very well appreciated...
Oh my graceanne,
You are not 'too tired', you are too funny!
Very well appreciated...
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
Attached below is problem # 3 on a high school geometry examination.
The solution was submitted by a beautiful blonde student. It is my understanding that after careful scrutiny, the student was given credit for a
correct answer by the teacher. When hearing of this, the Board of Education
warned all math teachers in the system to be more explicit from now on in
their future wording of examination problems (but the Board was hesitant to suggest just how).
Personally, I never realized geometry was that easy!
The solution was submitted by a beautiful blonde student. It is my understanding that after careful scrutiny, the student was given credit for a
correct answer by the teacher. When hearing of this, the Board of Education
warned all math teachers in the system to be more explicit from now on in
their future wording of examination problems (but the Board was hesitant to suggest just how).
Personally, I never realized geometry was that easy!
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
Oh, this is TOO funny...
"I think chicken keepers [both beginners and experienced], will enjoy
reading this take on chicken rearing!"
Chicken Rearing 101:
Your Complete Guide to How Not to Raise Chickens By Nola Kelsey
***************
Capon: A castrated male used for meat. [How much could that yield?]
Pullet: A female chicken under one year old.
Hen: A female chicken over one year of age
Rooster: A male chicken over one year of age.
Raising Chickens for the first time can be intimidating. When I first
called
the Feed Shop, I was trying to sound like a pro. I asked, "Do you sell
pullets?" "Yes", the man replied. "Are they all females?" It's been an
uphill battle ever since.
Pullet parenthood is as much of an adventure as child rearing, only
with
more feces per pound of body weight. However, I've been reading quite a
bit
on poultry matters. [Yes, my coolness just turned over in its grave.]
So if
I am correct and I am quite certain I am not, here is how chicken
rearin'
goes.
Go to your local feed store and purchase $10 worth of chicks and $50
worth
of food and supplies. Don't forget the water dispensers.
Buying the metal ones, never plastic is always advised. Must be country
humor. I have yet to see a metal one.
Next, place the chicks somewhere sheltered, like a bedroom closet.
Toss in some highly flammable straw or wood shavings and promptly
dangle a
glowing heat lamp just above them. Note to self: Update homeowner's
policy.
For the next several weeks feed them 3 lbs of food per day and remove 4
lbs
of sh*t per day from the closet. Despite all logic the birds get
bigger. As
the adult feathers grow in be sure to clip one of their wings. That is
one
per bird, not just one wing total. If clipping is done late chicks will
nest
in your toilet. This is a bad thing.
Clipping can be accomplished by tossing your scissors and your body
into the
heaping mound of chicks, feces and straw. Grab a wiggling screeching
bird
from the bile pile. Restrain it with one hand.
Stretch the wing out with your second hand. Clip off 50% of the wings
outer
ten feathers with your third hand.
As the birds grow adjust the heat light temperature down by one degree
per
day. No, this is not actually possible. That's not my point. You start
at
100 degrees for hatchlings then continue down by one degree per day
until
your bedroom is a minimum of three degrees cooler than the spring
blizzard
outside your window.
Once you have frozen your ear to your semi-cannibalistic down pillow
and the
chicks have grown their adult feathers, they can be moved outside to
the
coop. I estimate the initial closet rearing stage to have taken five
years.
Before the move, experience the Joy of Wing Clipping one more time.
Feather clipping never works the first time. No one knows why.
Still, after all the hassle you probably don't want them to fly the
coop in
under sixty seconds. Of course, if you're like me, by this time you may
be
inclined to pack them each a lunch and leave a stack of Greyhound
tickets by
the open coop gate.
Regarding habitat construction: Hen houses and chicken coops are a
competitive art form. There are a myriad of websites showing off
architectural designs from Chicken Chateaus to Bird Bordellos. The
meticulous craftsmanship makes my own home look like - well - like a
chicken
coop.
Always fashionable, I went with a shabby chic motif for my coop.
The nesting boxes are an eclectic mix of stolen milk crates affixed to
the
wall by anything in arms reach. As for the coop itself, there is a gift
for
tight chicken wire which eludes me. Quite frankly, my first attempt at
a
coop looks like Dr. Seuss dropped a hit of acid, blasted some Jefferson
Starship and rolled around on the wire with every Who in Whoville. I
think
I'll keep it.
Inferior design aside, I ultimately learned a thing or two. The nesting
boxes are supposed to be up off the ground. That is correct. For those
of
you keeping score you just spent two weeks cutting back the birds
flight
feathers only to hang their houses in the sky. It's just sick.
Higher than the nest boxes, you are to build a roost. This is where the
birds crap at night so they do not crap on your breakfast eggs.
Of course the roost is usually OVER the nesting boxes, so whatever you
do,
don't use those perforated plastic milk crates.
For young birds maintain a heat light in the hen house. Then on cooler
nights an animal with a brain the size of a bulimic toe nail clipping
will
make the conscious decision to forgo your nest boxes, bypass the
instinctual
roost and leap into a tanning bed.
And finally there is the feed regime. I asked several experts and read
up on
feeding as well. Make sure to give your chickens starter formula, mash,
growth formula, start & grow, brood formula, grit, no grit, scraps, no
scraps, goat placenta, nothing suggested on the internet, tetramyaicn,
no
antibiotics, medicated starter, non-medicated starter and never, ever
switch
in-between.
I may not be Queen of the Coop yet, but I'm working on it. Though I am
a
zoologist and I still know Birds 101. Here are two myths I can help
with.
First, you do not need a rooster to get eggs. Most folk, especially
those
who have never owned chickens, will advise you on chickens. Each will
insist
you need a rooster for a while to do his manly duties. Then you can
slip him
in the pot. As appealing as this concept is, your pot is a separate
issue.
Roosters are only needed to make fertile eggs. Hens are all that is
needed
to make breakfast eggs. Fertile eggs are just peachy if raising chicks
was
such a joy the first time you want to repeat the whole freakin'
process. In
addition there is always the risk of breaking a fertilized egg open and
finding a 50% formed chick fetus hitting your hot skillet. Yum! Years
of
therapy will follow.
To keep it straight in your mind consider this: You are going about
your
life. Suddenly massive balls of calcium start stacking up inside your
abdomen. Are you going to hold on to them just because you have not had
sex
lately?
The second bird myth is totally unrelated so I thought I would mention
it.
Penguins occur in nature from the Equator on Southward.
That is down to the Antarctica, not the Arctic! No, they do not hang
out
with Polar Bears who live in the Arctic. No, you did not see them when
you
worked in Alaska, in the Arctic. Those were puffins. No, I am not sorry
you
look stupid to all those folks you told penguin tales to.
Yes, some penguin species even reside on the Galapagos Islands at the
equator (Cold weather would kill them), not floating around on icebergs
-
and not in the Arctic! Yes, I realize my eggs are not all in one
basket.
Delusional, close-minded people who insist you need a rooster to
fertilize
your penguin eggs so polar bears won't lose their food supply drove me
crazy!
"I think chicken keepers [both beginners and experienced], will enjoy
reading this take on chicken rearing!"
Chicken Rearing 101:
Your Complete Guide to How Not to Raise Chickens By Nola Kelsey
***************
Capon: A castrated male used for meat. [How much could that yield?]
Pullet: A female chicken under one year old.
Hen: A female chicken over one year of age
Rooster: A male chicken over one year of age.
Raising Chickens for the first time can be intimidating. When I first
called
the Feed Shop, I was trying to sound like a pro. I asked, "Do you sell
pullets?" "Yes", the man replied. "Are they all females?" It's been an
uphill battle ever since.
Pullet parenthood is as much of an adventure as child rearing, only
with
more feces per pound of body weight. However, I've been reading quite a
bit
on poultry matters. [Yes, my coolness just turned over in its grave.]
So if
I am correct and I am quite certain I am not, here is how chicken
rearin'
goes.
Go to your local feed store and purchase $10 worth of chicks and $50
worth
of food and supplies. Don't forget the water dispensers.
Buying the metal ones, never plastic is always advised. Must be country
humor. I have yet to see a metal one.
Next, place the chicks somewhere sheltered, like a bedroom closet.
Toss in some highly flammable straw or wood shavings and promptly
dangle a
glowing heat lamp just above them. Note to self: Update homeowner's
policy.
For the next several weeks feed them 3 lbs of food per day and remove 4
lbs
of sh*t per day from the closet. Despite all logic the birds get
bigger. As
the adult feathers grow in be sure to clip one of their wings. That is
one
per bird, not just one wing total. If clipping is done late chicks will
nest
in your toilet. This is a bad thing.
Clipping can be accomplished by tossing your scissors and your body
into the
heaping mound of chicks, feces and straw. Grab a wiggling screeching
bird
from the bile pile. Restrain it with one hand.
Stretch the wing out with your second hand. Clip off 50% of the wings
outer
ten feathers with your third hand.
As the birds grow adjust the heat light temperature down by one degree
per
day. No, this is not actually possible. That's not my point. You start
at
100 degrees for hatchlings then continue down by one degree per day
until
your bedroom is a minimum of three degrees cooler than the spring
blizzard
outside your window.
Once you have frozen your ear to your semi-cannibalistic down pillow
and the
chicks have grown their adult feathers, they can be moved outside to
the
coop. I estimate the initial closet rearing stage to have taken five
years.
Before the move, experience the Joy of Wing Clipping one more time.
Feather clipping never works the first time. No one knows why.
Still, after all the hassle you probably don't want them to fly the
coop in
under sixty seconds. Of course, if you're like me, by this time you may
be
inclined to pack them each a lunch and leave a stack of Greyhound
tickets by
the open coop gate.
Regarding habitat construction: Hen houses and chicken coops are a
competitive art form. There are a myriad of websites showing off
architectural designs from Chicken Chateaus to Bird Bordellos. The
meticulous craftsmanship makes my own home look like - well - like a
chicken
coop.
Always fashionable, I went with a shabby chic motif for my coop.
The nesting boxes are an eclectic mix of stolen milk crates affixed to
the
wall by anything in arms reach. As for the coop itself, there is a gift
for
tight chicken wire which eludes me. Quite frankly, my first attempt at
a
coop looks like Dr. Seuss dropped a hit of acid, blasted some Jefferson
Starship and rolled around on the wire with every Who in Whoville. I
think
I'll keep it.
Inferior design aside, I ultimately learned a thing or two. The nesting
boxes are supposed to be up off the ground. That is correct. For those
of
you keeping score you just spent two weeks cutting back the birds
flight
feathers only to hang their houses in the sky. It's just sick.
Higher than the nest boxes, you are to build a roost. This is where the
birds crap at night so they do not crap on your breakfast eggs.
Of course the roost is usually OVER the nesting boxes, so whatever you
do,
don't use those perforated plastic milk crates.
For young birds maintain a heat light in the hen house. Then on cooler
nights an animal with a brain the size of a bulimic toe nail clipping
will
make the conscious decision to forgo your nest boxes, bypass the
instinctual
roost and leap into a tanning bed.
And finally there is the feed regime. I asked several experts and read
up on
feeding as well. Make sure to give your chickens starter formula, mash,
growth formula, start & grow, brood formula, grit, no grit, scraps, no
scraps, goat placenta, nothing suggested on the internet, tetramyaicn,
no
antibiotics, medicated starter, non-medicated starter and never, ever
switch
in-between.
I may not be Queen of the Coop yet, but I'm working on it. Though I am
a
zoologist and I still know Birds 101. Here are two myths I can help
with.
First, you do not need a rooster to get eggs. Most folk, especially
those
who have never owned chickens, will advise you on chickens. Each will
insist
you need a rooster for a while to do his manly duties. Then you can
slip him
in the pot. As appealing as this concept is, your pot is a separate
issue.
Roosters are only needed to make fertile eggs. Hens are all that is
needed
to make breakfast eggs. Fertile eggs are just peachy if raising chicks
was
such a joy the first time you want to repeat the whole freakin'
process. In
addition there is always the risk of breaking a fertilized egg open and
finding a 50% formed chick fetus hitting your hot skillet. Yum! Years
of
therapy will follow.
To keep it straight in your mind consider this: You are going about
your
life. Suddenly massive balls of calcium start stacking up inside your
abdomen. Are you going to hold on to them just because you have not had
sex
lately?
The second bird myth is totally unrelated so I thought I would mention
it.
Penguins occur in nature from the Equator on Southward.
That is down to the Antarctica, not the Arctic! No, they do not hang
out
with Polar Bears who live in the Arctic. No, you did not see them when
you
worked in Alaska, in the Arctic. Those were puffins. No, I am not sorry
you
look stupid to all those folks you told penguin tales to.
Yes, some penguin species even reside on the Galapagos Islands at the
equator (Cold weather would kill them), not floating around on icebergs
-
and not in the Arctic! Yes, I realize my eggs are not all in one
basket.
Delusional, close-minded people who insist you need a rooster to
fertilize
your penguin eggs so polar bears won't lose their food supply drove me
crazy!
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER :
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
While visiting my son on his Army base, I chatted with a colleague of his.
"What rank are you?" I asked.
"I'm relieved to say that I've just been promoted from captain to major."
"Relieved? Why?"
"Because," he replied, "my last name is Hook."
"What rank are you?" I asked.
"I'm relieved to say that I've just been promoted from captain to major."
"Relieved? Why?"
"Because," he replied, "my last name is Hook."
subtleone
Doing Sirs bidding
- Joined
- Jun 27, 2006
- Posts
- 1,231
The long swim...
Try this:
visit Google Maps , click on 'get directions' from New York to London - get directions, scroll down to #23 then begin reading.
Anyone up for a little light exercise?
Try this:
visit Google Maps , click on 'get directions' from New York to London - get directions, scroll down to #23 then begin reading.
Anyone up for a little light exercise?
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
Kajira Callista
Empty
- Joined
- Sep 10, 2003
- Posts
- 19,348
TooTiredToLive
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2007
- Posts
- 671
Oh, that's what happened to my hair... and my ... digestion! 
wouldloveto
Old Geek
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2006
- Posts
- 1,653
Perfect, I just sent it to 10 friends... 
wouldloveto
Old Geek
- Joined
- Apr 2, 2006
- Posts
- 1,653
Perfect!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
TooTiredToLive
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2007
- Posts
- 671
That last one needed a spew alert, Ms. Graceanne... took me five minutes to get the bourbon and diet coke off my monitor!
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
TooTiredToLive said:
To tell the truth that one made me think of DVS.
Oh, and one time when I was in the hospital my mom got me a sign that said 'sex clinic, rm ___'.
The nurses wouldn't let me put it up, but it sure gave them a laugh.
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
