graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
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- Jun 22, 2004
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graceanne said:I have a Labrador retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at
Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had
a dog (?). On impulse, I couldn't help myself, I told her that no, I
was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't
because I'd ended up in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming
out
of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was
essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load
your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every
time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was
going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned.
I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a
car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to stagger out the door.
SirFace said:Hehehe, Your humor is exquisite.
graceanne said:I have a Labrador retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at
Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had
a dog (?). On impulse, I couldn't help myself, I told her that no, I
was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't
because I'd ended up in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming
out
of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was
essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load
your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every
time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was
going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned.
I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a
car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to stagger out the door.
graceanne said:MAN LAWS
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and
eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail
within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In
fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that
point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the
score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent
entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning
on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's
free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick
another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until
they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the
other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober
enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but
not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his
choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except
if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an
almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you
are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty
is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about
what a big mistake it was occurs.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to
drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or
sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with
"If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.
Ever
29: Pull out.
30: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by
your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or
are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume
and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the *** and having the
balls to say, "You're next!"
We hope this clears up any confusion.
The International Council of Manhood, Ltd
AngelicAssassin said:
m wisdom said:Smart Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Gil_T2 said:Taken from HOUSEKEEPING MONTHLY 13 May 1955
How do the subs of the 2000 ilk respond to it?
The good wife’s guide
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people.
Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties id to provide it.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the just before your husband arrives.
Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc and then run a dust cloth over the tables.
Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if hey are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
Be happy to see him.
Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first-remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
Don’t greet him with complaints and problems
Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the MASTER of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
A good wife knows her place.
http://www.amiten.com/punya/W_25.htm
graceanne said:My mother in law actually told me I should do all this. She also said I should put on some makeup before he gets home, change my clothes if they're dirty . . . you get the idea.![]()
Gil_T2 said:I do remember my mum working all day at a dry cleaners on the press comming home & cleaning up ready for dad & we lived with dad's parents too & his mum was always on at my sister & cousin that this was how they should be to please the menI am a Master but find this sort of thing sad, might be why I allow BANDIT
to have a cleaning lady.
![]()
I'm sure most of the over 40s would have seen this in their youth.
Gil_T2 said:I do remember my mum working all day at a dry cleaners on the press comming home & cleaning up ready for dad & we lived with dad's parents too & his mum was always on at my sister & cousin that this was how they should be to please the menI am a Master but find this sort of thing sad, might be why I allow BANDIT
to have a cleaning lady.
![]()
I'm sure most of the over 40s would have seen this in their youth.
tealsphynx said:Getting a cleaning service is in my future plans. Even if it's a come once a week and wipe down evertyhing type service and not a daily thing. My dad had one until he moved. It was one of his suggestions when I told him where I wanted to be in life. I can just see it now: not having to mop the floors for hours on end once a week, not having to scrub the bathtub and shower...sounds like a good deal.