LITEROTICA PODCAST
LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

Now this was really funny

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper. "Where does poo come from?" she asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:

"Well, you know we just ate breakfast?"
"Yes," answers the girl.
"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."

The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:
"And Tigger?"
 
Gil_T2 said:
A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper. "Where does poo come from?" she asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:

"Well, you know we just ate breakfast?"
"Yes," answers the girl.
"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."

The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:
"And Tigger?"
Click to expand...

That is SO sick and twisted. I had to send that to all my friends on IM. :)
 
greenmands said:
That is SO sick and twisted. I had to send that to all my friends on IM. :)
Click to expand...

same here as well as posting it on LIT, I re read it in your post & stared to laugh again as being a dad have had questions like this. :rolleyes:
 
http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h284/graceanne1978/1.jpg

Sometimes a name change is the best idea...

http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h284/graceanne1978/2.jpg

Major dilemma in California.

http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h284/graceanne1978/4.jpg

Everything you need for your "shotgun" wedding!

http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h284/graceanne1978/6.jpg

??? McLogic gone wrong..

http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h284/graceanne1978/7.jpg

http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h284/graceanne1978/8.jpg

Still Dead, Huh??? Go Figure...

http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h284/graceanne1978/9.jpg

http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h284/graceanne1978/10.jpg

" Mass suicides...Cows going over the edge...tonight on Channel 3 News..."

http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h284/graceanne1978/11.jpg

http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h284/graceanne1978/12.jpg

Load 'em up with burritos, Mom!!

http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h284/graceanne1978/13.jpg

I'm Confused...

http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h284/graceanne1978/14.jpg

http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h284/graceanne1978/15.jpg

http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h284/graceanne1978/16.jpg

http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h284/graceanne1978/17.jpg

http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h284/graceanne1978/19.jpg

Don't drink and make signs...
 
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen
> her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother
> had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed
> mother-of-the-bride ever!
>
> A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new
> young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer
> asked her step mom to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely
not.
> I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she
> replied.
>
> Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind
sweetheart.
> I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
> A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous
> dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother,
> "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have
> another occasion where you could wear it."
>
> Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm
> wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."
 
Last edited:
This is too good not to forward


A Wyoming cowboy was herding his cows in a remote
pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of
a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a
Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL
tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I
tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in
your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks
at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why
not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook
computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and
surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he
calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an
exact fix on his location which he then feeds to
another NASA satellite that scans the area in an
ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe
Photoshop and exports it to an image processing
facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he
receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has
been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC
connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a
response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report
on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and
finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have
exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my
calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man
select one of the animals and looks on amused as the
young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can
tell you exactly what your business is, will you give
me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a
second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
You're a Congressman for the U.S. government" says the
cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did
you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You
showed up here even though nobody called you; you want
to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a
question I never asked. You tried to show me how much
smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing
about cows....
Now give me back my dog
 
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table,
he
looks
into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!"
he
squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He
looks
into
his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my
Porridge?!!" he
roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen
and
yells, "For crying out load, how many times do we have to go through
this
with you idiots?
It was Momma Bear who got up first,
it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house,
it was Momma Bear who made the coffee,
it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and
put
everything away,
it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to
fetch the
newspaper,
it was Momma Bear who set the damn table,
it was Momma Bear who put the frigging cat out, cleaned the litter
box,
and
filled the cat's water and food dish,
and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses
downstairs,
and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen
good,
cause
I'm only going to say this one more time:

I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET!!"
 
There was an old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long
time,
so
they decided to dress up and go out.

The old woman went in her bedroom, stripped naked, and tied a
string
between
her legs with a lemon at the end of the string.

When she walked out of the room her husband yelled, "You can't go
out
like
that!"

"I can go out as whatever I want and so can you!"

The man agreed and went into his room. Soon, he came out naked
with a
string
tied to his penis and a potato at the end of the string.

The woman said "You're going out as that?"

"Yes," said the old man. "If you can go out as a sourpuss, I can
go out
as a
dicktator.
 
graceanne said:
This is too good not to forward


A Wyoming cowboy was herding his cows in a remote
pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of
a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a
Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL
tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I
tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in
your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks
at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why
not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook
computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and
surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he
calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an
exact fix on his location which he then feeds to
another NASA satellite that scans the area in an
ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe
Photoshop and exports it to an image processing
facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he
receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has
been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC
connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a
response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report
on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and
finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have
exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my
calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man
select one of the animals and looks on amused as the
young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can
tell you exactly what your business is, will you give
me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a
second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
You're a Congressman for the U.S. government" says the
cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did
you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You
showed up here even though nobody called you; you want
to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a
question I never asked. You tried to show me how much
smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing
about cows....
Now give me back my dog
Click to expand...


Thank you graceanne ~ That is Priceless. :D
 
A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.
She
was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal
sex
life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever
asked
me that after having their tonsils out."
 
graceanne said:
A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.
She
was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal
sex
life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever
asked
me that after having their tonsils out."
Click to expand...


ROTFLMAO!!
 
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. ?Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" ?She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. ?Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid." ?

***

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."

***

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. ?They hear a faint moan. ? They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. ?Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. ?As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

***

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" ?She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, "Well, why are you crying?" ?She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." ?I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" ?She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

***

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. ?For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
 
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water
mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on,
you hear the sound of a thunderstorm and the smell of
fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and
witness the scent of fresh butter fat.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and
the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.

....So far I have been too afraid to go down the
toilet paper aisle.
 
Difference Between Women And Men

1.NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will
call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer
to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2.EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in
A

$20 even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything
smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3.MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on
sale.

4.BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A
man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5.ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

6.CATS

Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7.FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8.SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9.MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man
marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

10.DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11.NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12.OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods,
secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13.THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
people remembering the same thing.

AND FINALLY....

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of
them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the
husband

asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
 
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