Now this was really funny

[graceanne]

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half." The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house!"

 

[graceanne]

Here is the 2006 version of... "You know you're a redneck when..."



1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think the "nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't
want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father
made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip"
on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of
improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

 

[FurryFury]

Here is the 2006 version of... "You know you're a redneck when..."



1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think the "nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't
want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father
made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip"
on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of
improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

LOL!

My fav is the one where all your bowls say cool whip on them! I resemble that one!

Fury

 

[WyldChylde]

My personal favorite...

You know you're a redneck when all your Christmas shopping can be done at Home Depot and Lowe's.

 

[graceanne]

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet Parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she would try to eat the bird.

My wife went out to the taxi while I went inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night. So,she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car...

 

[Hellabelle]

Top 10 signs you're a gay cowboy

Top Ten Signs You're A Gay Cowboy

10. "Your saddle is Versace"

9. "Instead of 'Home On The Range', you sing 'It's Raining Men'"

8. "You enjoy ridin', ropin', and redecoratin'"

7. "Sold your livestock to buy tickets to 'Mamma Mia'"

6. "After watching reruns of 'Gunsmoke', you have to take a cold shower"

5. "Native Americans refer to you as 'Dances With Men'"

4. "You've been lassoed more times than most steers"

3. "You're wearing chaps, yet your 'ranch' is in Chelsea"

2. "Instead of a saloon you prefer a salon"

1. "You love riding, but you don't have a horse"

 

[Hellabelle]

MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the
judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy."



HB

 

[graceanne]

STAY!

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the
Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and slightly rolled
down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat
and I wanted to impress upon her that she must
remain there. I walked to the curb backward,
pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"
"Stay! Stay!"
*
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady,
gave me a strange look and said,

"Why don't you just put it in park?"

 

[greenmands]

good one Graceanne.
how about this?

http://www.watchersweb.com/sub_preview.php?sub_no=h8s2h1145810353

 

[Kajira Callista]

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the
other,
"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we
might as
well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog
vendor and
they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil
and hands
them over.
Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap
their 'dogs'.
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush
and then,
staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers
cautiously,
"What part did you get?"

 

[graceanne]

good one Graceanne.
how about this?

http://www.watchersweb.com/sub_preview.php?sub_no=h8s2h1145810353

I've heard that one before, and laughed at the time. It's still funny.

 

[WriterDom]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a
five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like
this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my
wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed
one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was
my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's
butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks
like yours!'"

 

[m wisdom]

Bathroom break

http://video.feber.se/2006/05/badvakten_gr_p_.html

 

[m wisdom]

Bukakke model contact ad

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/5716487.html

 

[m wisdom]

He's A Barbie Girl

http://www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=3625&rtn=index-topten

 

[graceanne]

An East Tennessee couple, both real-live rednecks, had 9
children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the
husband "fixed." The doctor asked them why after nine
children would they choose to do this.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article
that one out of every ten children being born in North
America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby
because neither of them could speak Spanish.

 

[shy slave]

Never Piss Off A Woman

A West Texas Cowboy's wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting calves, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn.
She put his tally-whacker in a vice, and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
The banged up Cowboy was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty damn saw, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said,

"Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer. You do whatever you want!!!

 

[raven2]

Bird Flu victims in FLA.

A recent outbreak has claimed many victims in FLA. Here is a pic of spome of them.

http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e4/raven1953/birdfluvictims.jpg

 

[shy slave]

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"Whats in the bag?" asked the old woman
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said,


"Good trade."

 

[the captians wench]

http://www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=3625&rtn=index-topten

Okay I'm now going to think of that everytime my mobile rings!

 

[m wisdom]

Okay I'm now going to think of that everytime my mobile rings!

I think you need to give us your phone nr then so we can have it ringing 24/7

 

[m wisdom]

How to chat

http://www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=3686&rtn=index-topten

 

[A Desert Rose]

Finally... The Rules

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women.

Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works.

Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies:



Make the woman happy.



Do something she likes, and you get points.

Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:



SIMPLE DUTIES:

You make the bed.......+1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.........0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.........-1

You leave the toilet seat up........-5

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty........0

When the toilet paper roll is empty, you resort to Kleenex.......-1

When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.........-2

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings......+5

In the snow......... +8

But return with beer..........-5

And no liners........-25

You check out a suspicious noise at night..........0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.........0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something........+5

You pummel it with a six iron.........+10

It's her cat.......-40

You stay by her side the entire party.......0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy.........-2

Named Tiffany........-4

Tiffany is a dancer..........-10

With breast implants........-18



HER BIRTHDAY:



You buy a card and flowers.......0

You take her out to dinner........0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.......+1

Okay, it is a sports bar........-2 And it's all-you-can-eat night........-3

It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team .........-10



A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS!



Go with a pal.......0

The pal is happily married.......+1

The pal is single.........-7

He drives a Ferrari........-10

With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED)........-15



A NIGHT OUT WITH HER:



You take her to a movie........+2

You take her to a movie she likes........+4

You take her to a movie you hate.......+6

You take her to a movie you like........-2

It's called Death Cop III.........-3

Which features Cyborgs that crush human skulls........-9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans........-15



YOUR PHYSIQUE:



You develop a noticeable pot belly........-15

You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it........+10

You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts........-30

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."........-800



THE BIG QUESTION:



She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

You hesitate in responding........-10

You reply, "Where?".........-35

You reply, "No, I think it's your ass"........-100

Any other response.......-20



COMMUNICATION:



When she wants to talk about a problem:

You listen, displaying a concerned _expression........0

You listen, for over 30 minutes........+5

You relate to her problem and share a similar experience........+50

Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying"

well, what do you think I should do?"...........-100 You have fallen asleep........-200



IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH:



You talk........-100

You don't talk........-150

You spend time with her.........-200

You don't spend time with her........-500

You seem to be enjoying yourself........-1000



GAME OVER - YOU LOSE

 

[shy slave]

Rofl

 

[m wisdom]

Best music video ever

http://knd.org.uk/files/loituma__.swf

I could sing along to this all day long