Now this was really funny

[graceanne]

Gonna be a bear . . .

In this life I'm a woman. In my next life I'm coming back as a bear. When you're a bear you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

When you're a girl bear you birth your children (who're the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definately deal with that.

If you're mama bear everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line you swat them, too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have haire legs and excess body fat.

Yup, gonna be a bear!

 

[graceanne]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the Husband "You can have her shipped home for$5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife
home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend
only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three
days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

 

[graceanne]

One evening last week, my lady and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every man on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love Me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The next day I opted to take the day off work to s pend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.

I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said let's get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you . . she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited
anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all honey, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, " No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?" I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why
can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight again, either.

 

[leeroy jenkins]

No need to Quote the the poem again but right on Graceanne. Very good all around I liked the last on the best though, poor guy.

 

[graceanne]

So the preacher is holding a revival in a tent, and their comes a point where he says "Those of you who are with the Lord, get to the right side of the tent. And those of you - and you know who you are - who're with the devil, get to the other side of the tent."

Well, most of people went to the right of the tent, and a few honest (or onery) folks went to the left, leaving Bubba sitting on the front pew, blubbering like a baby.

"Son?" The Preacher asked "ARe you with the Lord or against him?"

"I dunno!" Bubba cried.

"Well, then, tell me the three things you like doing most!"

"Well, I like to make money." Bubba said thoughtfully. "I like to eat fried chicken, and I like to flirt with women."

"Come on down!" The preacher cried, "You have been called into the service of the Lord!"

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Haven't been in here for a while

so bear with me if already posted.

Happy babies

Couldn't keep enough composure to tell if they're laughing at goof ball Dad, or taunting him about first dibs with Mom's breasts.

 

[graceanne]

The Men’s Rules
***************************
At last a man has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the man’s side of the story.

We always hear " the rules"
from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!


1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Hobbies or sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to most questions.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done, not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, fishing,
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

 

[TNRkitect2b]

Chevy is currently running a contest to get people to make and submit commericals for the new 2007 Tahoe SUV on the web.

For some reason, I don't think they will like this one .

 

[graceanne]

housewife is at home when she suddenly hears a knock on the door. When she opens the door a man asks her if she has a vagina. The woman slams the door in disbelief at what a stranger has just asked her. The same thing happens for three consecutive days and the woman decides to tell her husband. The husband says to the wife, "Tomorrow I am not going to work, and when the man asks if you have a vagina, say 'yes' and I will be hiding behind the door." The next day the same man comes again, and when the woman opens the door he asks if she has a vagina.

The woman says, "Yes". The man then said, "Good, then please tell your husband to stop having sex with my wife."

 

[graceanne]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed
when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the
garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw
that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy,
and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would
be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted
to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were
people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now
cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit,
and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course,
the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen
said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available."

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Thanks for the laugh K

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered the money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy.

"Pa," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Ole Blue doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Pa, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this! They've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $1,500, I'll get him in the class. "

His father sends the money. The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Pa," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading; he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street ?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that ^$^#ed dog before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Pa!"

"That's my boy."

 

[graceanne]

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack."

 

[RJMasters]

Around the mullberry bush

Inexperienced Dom: Ok so I am new and you are my first submissive. Since you have been around the block with this stuff, how is this suppose to work?

Submissive: Well first I tell you my limits. You can't break them as that would break our trust and mean you are no longer an Honorable Dom.

Inexperienced Dom: Right, honorable Dom means don't break your limits? Anything else?

Submissive: Its probably a good idea that you read and memorize the Dom creed.

Inexperienced Dom: There's a creed?

Submissive: Yes.

Inexperienced Dom: I see.

Submissive: What's a matter?

Inexperienced Dom: Nothing. Check, don't break limits and read and memorize creed. Anything else?

Submissive: Yes. You have to be the one responsible to initate things and tell me what to do...

Inexperienced Dom: I like that part.

Submissive: Don't interupt please.

Inexperienced Dom: Sorry continue.

Submissive: You have to be the one responsible to initate things and tell me what to do when we are in the bedroom and having sex.

Inexperienced Dom: In the bedroom?

Submissive: Yes

Inexperienced Dom: What about outside the bedroom

Submissive: No, that's one of my limits.

Inexperienced Dom: I see. May I ask a question?

Submissive: Of course silly remember your the dominant.

Inexperienced Dom: If this is just going to be in our bedroom, why do I need to read this creed.

Submissive: You have to follow the creed if you want to be a Dom worthy of my submission. You do want me to be submissive to you don't you?

Inexperienced Dom: Oh yes. I definately want that.

Submissive: Well then you have to act and think like a Dom so I will respect and trust you. That way I can give myself to you.

Inexperienced Dom: In the bedroom?

Submissive: Yes

Inexperienced Dom: I see.

Submissive: Also now that we are a D/s couple we are part of a community.

Inexperienced Dom: There is a community too?

Submissive: Yes

Inexperienced Dom: Where did this community come from?

Submissive: It has been there the whole time and now that we are a D/s couple we too are a part of it.

Inexperienced Dom: (Scratches head) Is there a membership fee?

Submissive: (Giggles) Of course not silly.

Inexperienced Dom: Can I look at this Dom creed?

Submissive: Yes here you go. (hands Dom peice of paper and waits as he reads it)

Inexperienced Dom: (finishes reading) Wow that quite alot but I guess I can do that in the bedroom.

Submissive: What?

Inexperienced Dom: I guess I could act and be this way in the bedroom.

Submissive: (blinks) No...this is how you have to be all the time so that when we go into the bedroom, I can trust your the type of man I can submit to.

Inexperienced Dom: (looks at the paper again) I see. So I have to live by this Dom creed all the time now, but you only are submissive in the bedroom. I have to respect your limits and because we are a D/s couple we are part of a community now.

Submissive: See you are already growing already. I can't wait till we start communicating.

Inexperienced Dom: Communicating?

Submissive: Yes. We have to communicate so you know how I am feeling ya know. Honestly how can you be caring and loving if we don't communicate?

Inexperienced Dom: Do we have to communicate all the time? What if I don't want to do that. Sometimes I just like to be left alone ya know.

Submissive: Well that's how you punish me.

Inexperienced Dom: Huh?

Submissive: Punish me. That's the worse punishment you can give a submissive you know. Don't give her any of your attention.

Inexperienced Dom: I didn't know that. So we would have to communicate all the time unless I am punishing you.

Submissive: Yep

Inexperienced Dom: (has worried look on his face) Are you sure this is how its done?

Submissive: Of course. Communication and trust is the only way two people can build a deep enough relationship by respecting one another. Only then is it possible for a submissive like me to get on my knees and suck your cock while you call me a cumslut. I am not a doormat you know.

Inexperienced Dom: But what if all I want is a woamn who wants to please me in bed, cook me food I like to eat, and just be my companion?

Submissive: Your not even trying are you?

Inexperienced Dom: (blinks)

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Inexperienced Dom: Ok so I am new and you are my first submissive. Since you have been around the block with this stuff, how is this suppose to work?

Submissive: Well first I tell you my limits. You can't break them as that would break our trust and mean you are no longer an Honorable Dom.

Inexperienced Dom: Right, honorable Dom means don't break your limits? Anything else?

Submissive: Its probably a good idea that you read and memorize the Dom creed.

Inexperienced Dom: There's a creed?

Submissive: Yes.

Inexperienced Dom: I see.

Submissive: What's a matter?

Inexperienced Dom: Nothing. Check, don't break limits and read and memorize creed. Anything else?

Submissive: Yes. You have to be the one responsible to initate things and tell me what to do...

Inexperienced Dom: I like that part.

Submissive: Don't interupt please.

Inexperienced Dom: Sorry continue.

Submissive: You have to be the one responsible to initate things and tell me what to do when we are in the bedroom and having sex.

Inexperienced Dom: In the bedroom?

Submissive: Yes

Inexperienced Dom: What about outside the bedroom

Submissive: No, that's one of my limits.

Inexperienced Dom: I see. May I ask a question?

Submissive: Of course silly remember your the dominant.

Inexperienced Dom: If this is just going to be in our bedroom, why do I need to read this creed.

Submissive: You have to follow the creed if you want to be a Dom worthy of my submission. You do want me to be submissive to you don't you?

Inexperienced Dom: Oh yes. I definately want that.

Submissive: Well then you have to act and think like a Dom so I will respect and trust you. That way I can give myself to you.

Inexperienced Dom: In the bedroom?

Submissive: Yes

Inexperienced Dom: I see.

Submissive: Also now that we are a D/s couple we are part of a community.

Inexperienced Dom: There is a community too?

Submissive: Yes

Inexperienced Dom: Where did this community come from?

Submissive: It has been there the whole time and now that we are a D/s couple we too are a part of it.

Inexperienced Dom: (Scratches head) Is there a membership fee?

Submissive: (Giggles) Of course not silly.

Inexperienced Dom: Can I look at this Dom creed?

Submissive: Yes here you go. (hands Dom peice of paper and waits as he reads it)

Inexperienced Dom: (finishes reading) Wow that quite alot but I guess I can do that in the bedroom.

Submissive: What?

Inexperienced Dom: I guess I could act and be this way in the bedroom.

Submissive: (blinks) No...this is how you have to be all the time so that when we go into the bedroom, I can trust your the type of man I can submit to.

Inexperienced Dom: (looks at the paper again) I see. So I have to live by this Dom creed all the time now, but you only are submissive in the bedroom. I have to respect your limits and because we are a D/s couple we are part of a community now.

Submissive: See you are already growing already. I can't wait till we start communicating.

Inexperienced Dom: Communicating?

Submissive: Yes. We have to communicate so you know how I am feeling ya know. Honestly how can you be caring and loving if we don't communicate?

Inexperienced Dom: Do we have to communicate all the time? What if I don't want to do that. Sometimes I just like to be left alone ya know.

Submissive: Well that's how you punish me.

Inexperienced Dom: Huh?

Submissive: Punish me. That's the worse punishment you can give a submissive you know. Don't give her any of your attention.

Inexperienced Dom: I didn't know that. So we would have to communicate all the time unless I am punishing you.

Submissive: Yep

Inexperienced Dom: (has worried look on his face) Are you sure this is how its done?

Submissive: Of course. Communication and trust is the only way two people can build a deep enough relationship by respecting one another. Only then is it possible for a submissive like me to get on my knees and suck your cock while you call me a cumslut. I am not a doormat you know.

Inexperienced Dom: But what if all I want is a woamn who wants to please me in bed, cook me food I like to eat, and just be my companion?

Submissive: Your not even trying are you?

Inexperienced Dom: (blinks)

You sure You posted this on the right Thread RJ ?

If You post it at the "Do you like vanilla...... Thread" you will get free ice cream to go with that topping

 

[RJMasters]

The mullberrybush continued

Inexperienced Dom: So, do I get to beat you?

Submissive: What?! Why would you ask a thing like that? I'm no masochist ya know.

Inexperienced Dom: masochist?

Submissive: Yes

Inexperienced Dom: What's that?

Submissive: That's a person who likes pain

Inexperienced Dom: Oh. So is that some kind of Dom then?

Submissive: No. Why would you ask that?

Inexperienced Dom: Nevermind. So your not a masochist which means I don't get to beat you.

Submissive: Yes, well...its ok if you spank me hard sometimes. Especially if I have been a bad girl.

Inexperienced Dom: Bad girl? Spank you hard? I though you said the way to punish you was by not paying attention to you.

Submissive: No! you give me spanking because I like them, not because you are punishing me.

Inexperienced Dom: But you just said that you don't like pain?

Submissive: I meant the bad type of pain, not the good kind of pain

Inexperienced Dom: (looks completely lost) Bad type of...huh?

Submissive: You seem a bit grouchy

Inexperienced Dom: Well I wouldn't say grouchy, just a little confused is all.

Submissive: You sound pretty grouchy to me

Inexperienced Dom: Well I am not

Submissive: k

Inexperienced Dom: What's that suppose to mean?

Submissive: Nothing

Inexperienced Dom: Nothing my ass.

Submissive: Are you getting upset?

Inexperienced Dom: No!

Submissive: Oh, because I get aroused when you get angry and your nostrals flare.

Inexperienced Dom: You do?

Submissive: yep

Inexperienced Dom: So when I am angry you get aroused and you want me to spank you even though you don't like pain?

Submissive: Oh yes I am getting wet just talking about it

Inexperienced Dom: Really?

Submissive: Yes

Inexperienced Dom: So talking about getting spanked excites you?

Submissive: Oh yes! In the worse way!

Inexperienced Dom: Do you like to be spanked hard?

Submissive: Yes! The harder the better!

Inexperienced Dom: Doesn't that hurt?

Submissive: What?

Inexperienced Dom: Doesn't that hurt?

Submissive: Yes

Inexperienced Dom: I thought you said you aren't a masochist though?

Submissive: I'm not.

Inexperienced Dom: I see.

Submissive: (hands a peice of paper to the Inexperienced Dom)

Inexperienced Dom: What's this?

Submissive: A contract

Inexperienced Dom: A contract?

Submissive: yes

Inexperienced Dom: What do we need a contract for?

Submissive: Its important that I know terms of our relationship.

Inexperienced Dom: In the bedroom?

Submissive: No, a contract is about the whole relationship. I provides me with peace of mind knowing that I am owned by you. That you will protect me and provide for me, love me and respect me. And it also allows you to know that I am going to submit to you and that you own me. And besides I can't wear a collar without a contract.

Inexperienced Dom: A collar?

Submissive: Yes

Inexperienced Dom: Why would you wear a collar?

Submissive: Because you want me to silly.

Inexperienced Dom: I do?

Submissive: (furrows brow)

Inexperienced Dom: cough* I mean yes of course I do!

Submissive: (smiles)

Inexperienced Dom: What happens if the contract is broken?

Submissive: well...

Inexperienced Dom: (interupts) Wait! Let me guess, that would mean I'm not an honorable Dom.

Submissive: At last your finailly beginning to understand.

Inexperienced Dom: (blinks)

 

[Kajira Callista]

heh

 

[graceanne]

Colonoscopy



:

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,

trying to decide who was the one in charge.




"I should be in charge," said the brain ,

"Because I run all the body's systems,

so without me nothing would happen."



"I should be in charge," said the blood ,

"Because I circulate oxygen all over

so without me you'd all waste away."


"I should be in charge," said the stomach,"

Because I process food and give

all of you energy."


"I should be in charge," said the legs,

"because I carry the body wherever

it needs to go."



"I should be in charge," said the eyes,

"Because I allow the body to see

where it goes."


"I should be in charge," said the rectum,

"Because I'm responsible for

waste removal."




All the other body parts laughed at the rectum

And insulted him, so in a huff,

he shut down tight.



Within a few days,

the brain had a terrible headache,

the stomach was bloated,

the legs got wobbly,

the eyes got watery,

and the blood Was toxic.

They all decided that the

rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?


The asshole is usually in charge !!

 

[RJMasters]

Colonoscopy



:

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,

trying to decide who was the one in charge.




"I should be in charge," said the brain ,

"Because I run all the body's systems,

so without me nothing would happen."



"I should be in charge," said the blood ,

"Because I circulate oxygen all over

so without me you'd all waste away."


"I should be in charge," said the stomach,"

Because I process food and give

all of you energy."


"I should be in charge," said the legs,

"because I carry the body wherever

it needs to go."



"I should be in charge," said the eyes,

"Because I allow the body to see

where it goes."


"I should be in charge," said the rectum,

"Because I'm responsible for

waste removal."




All the other body parts laughed at the rectum

And insulted him, so in a huff,

he shut down tight.



Within a few days,

the brain had a terrible headache,

the stomach was bloated,

the legs got wobbly,

the eyes got watery,

and the blood Was toxic.

They all decided that the

rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?


The asshole is usually in charge !!

lol True dat.

 

[graceanne]

# Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers or briefs ?
A: You'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all

# Q: What do you call a pregnancy that begins while using birth control ?
A: A misconception

# Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant ?
A: Have sex just once a year

# Q: What is a chastity belt ?
A: A labor-saving device

# Q: When does a woman's biological clock start ticking ?
A: Right after she looks in the mirror and thinks, "On my God, crow's feet !"

# Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving ?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant

# Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex ?
A: Childbirth

# Q: Should I have a baby after 35 ?
A. No, 35 children is way too many already

# Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move ?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college

# Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu ?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better

# Q: Does pregnancy affect a woman's memory ?
A: Most of the ladies I asked don't remember

# Q: My breasts, rear end & even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy ?
A: Yes, your bladder

# Q: Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving ?
A: Depends on what your doing with them

# Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why ?
A: Cause you're fatter then they are,

# Q: My wife is 5 months pregnant and so moody that she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question ?

# Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor ?
A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman

# Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold ?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him

# Q: What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy ?
A: Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder

# Q: What are forceps ?
A: Giant baby tweezers

# Q: What's the best way to get a man to give up his seat to a pregnant woman ?
A: Brute force

# Q: How do I know if my baby has dropped ?
A: He/She will start crying. Be more careful !

# Q: How long is the average woman in labor ?
A: Whatever she says, divided by two

# Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right ?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current

# Q: When is the best time to get an epidural ?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant

# Q: Is there a reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor ?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" is a concern for you

# Q: I'm modest. Once I start to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position ?
A: Authorized hospital personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

# Q: What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning ?
A: It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make it's way out of you

# Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth ?
A: Yes, pregnancy

# Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids ?
A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for

# Q: When should a baby not be circumcised ?
A: When it's a girl.

# Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk ?
A: In your breasts

# Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps ?
A: Yes, baby lips

# Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth ?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse

# Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing ?
A: When you see teeth marks

# Q: What is the grasp reflex ?
A: The reaction of new father's when he sees new mother's breasts.

# Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing ?
A: Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

# Q: What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away ?
A: They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in case of global chemical warfare.

# Q: Do I have to have a baby shower ?
A: Not if your change the baby's diaper very quickly

# Q: What causes baby blues ?
A: Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos

# Q: What is colic ?
A: A reminder for new parents to use birth control

# Q: What are night terrors ?
A: Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again

# Q: Nannies aren't cheap are they ?
A: Not usually, but occasionally you'll find a floozy

# Q: Will I love my dog less when the baby is born ?
A: No, but your husband will most likely get on your nerves

# Q: What are the terrible twos ?
A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey

# Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to act normal ?
A: Possibly when the kids are in college

 

[graceanne]

Can't remember if I've shared this before . . .

Why Women are Crabby

We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to
find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds
hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously
uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap
until we had calluses on our backs.


Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner)..
Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the
hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or
insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.



Our next little rite of passage (prema! rital or not) was having sex
for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push
your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up
with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the
fuss was about.


Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry
crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day
leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and
we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us
steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were
preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.


Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole
and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment
arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in
the middle of! the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet,
moaning in pain all the way to the ER.


Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please
stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good
push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch
the ***** (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling,
mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.


After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that
when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed
into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little
poop machines.


Then come their teen years. Need I say more?


When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexua! l
prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th
birthday.


So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the
Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in
those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat
like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the
head off anything that moves.


Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men
get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in
the woods without soaking their socks...


So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great
Gandhi a tad crabby.. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me.

 

[graceanne]

7 reasons not to mess with children.


A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" One little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.

Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."
"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

 

[greenmands]

http://www.watchersweb.com/sub_preview.php?sub_no=yscmnk1143351446

http://www.watchersweb.com/sub_preview.php?sub_no=mgurnw1143596566

I thought everybody might get a laugh out of these two.

 

[shy slave]

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly
despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that
she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly,
she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot
herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable
and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire
as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your
left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot
wound to her knee.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Debbie was walking down the street. She was wearing a tight blouse that she was almost busting out of and an extremely short skirt. She was approached by a man who made her a bet.

He bet her that he could drop $500 on the ground, she has to bend over at the waist to pick it up, and that he could have sex with her and be finished before she picked it up. He was an average looking guy, so she told him to wait for a minute while she thinks it over.

Debbie called her best friend Ashley, told her the story, and asked Ashley's advice. Ashley told her that she should do it because he won't even be able to get his pants down before she is able to pick it up. Debbie hung up, walked over to the man and agreed to his proposition.

Ashley called Debbie the next day to find out how it went. Debbie answered the phone and was furious. Ashley asked her what was wrong. Debbie replied....

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

That son of a bitch had $500 in quarters!!!!

(Still sounds like Roger Rabbit to me.)

 

[greenmands]

Debbie was walking down the street. She was wearing a tight blouse that she was almost busting out of and an extremely short skirt. She was approached by a man who made her a bet.

He bet her that he could drop $500 on the ground, she has to bend over at the waist to pick it up, and that he could have sex with her and be finished before she picked it up. He was an average looking guy, so she told him to wait for a minute while she thinks it over.

Debbie called her best friend Ashley, told her the story, and asked Ashley's advice. Ashley told her that she should do it because he won't even be able to get his pants down before she is able to pick it up. Debbie hung up, walked over to the man and agreed to his proposition.

Ashley called Debbie the next day to find out how it went. Debbie answered the phone and was furious. Ashley asked her what was wrong. Debbie replied....

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

That son of a bitch had $500 in quarters!!!!

(Still sounds like Roger Rabbit to me.)

But did she look like Jessica Rabbit???