AngelicAssassin
Something Wicked
- Joined
- Sep 19, 2001
- Posts
- 10,945
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
Now this was really funny
- Thread starter Wizard
- Start date
m wisdom
The sun is rising
- Joined
- Apr 17, 2004
- Posts
- 1,632
shy slave
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 2, 2004
- Posts
- 8,255
This joke was given to me by a 75 year old friend who heard it from a catholic priest
A retired Admiral was visiting places from his past when he realised he was near a back street that used to have a bordello that all the sailors from the ship visited.
He wandered down the street and sure enough the bordello was still there.
Going inside he told them he was a retired Admiral but remembered the place from long ago.
The Madam said they still did alot of business with the sailors from the local port and did he want a girl for 'old times sake?'
Upstairs with a girl he started fucking her, after a few minutes she called out '3 Knots'
He increased his rate of fucking her and again she called out '3 Knots'
He increased his rate again, but again she called out '3 knots'
Finally he stopped and said 'Look I know 3 knots is a sailing term, but why are you calling it out?'
She replied
'Your not in'
Your not hard'
And your not getting your money back!'
A retired Admiral was visiting places from his past when he realised he was near a back street that used to have a bordello that all the sailors from the ship visited.
He wandered down the street and sure enough the bordello was still there.
Going inside he told them he was a retired Admiral but remembered the place from long ago.
The Madam said they still did alot of business with the sailors from the local port and did he want a girl for 'old times sake?'
Upstairs with a girl he started fucking her, after a few minutes she called out '3 Knots'
He increased his rate of fucking her and again she called out '3 Knots'
He increased his rate again, but again she called out '3 knots'
Finally he stopped and said 'Look I know 3 knots is a sailing term, but why are you calling it out?'
She replied
'Your not in'
Your not hard'
And your not getting your money back!'
INSIDEYOURMIND
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Nov 12, 2004
- Posts
- 642
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while
when he came into the house and asked her,
"Grandma, what's it called when people are sleeping on top of each other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth...
"It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to play
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
"Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds!"
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while
when he came into the house and asked her,
"Grandma, what's it called when people are sleeping on top of each other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth...
"It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to play
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
"Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds!"
h_i_s
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 17, 2004
- Posts
- 4,335
The Doctor
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and said,"Your husband is suffering from severe, long-term stress and it's affecting his cardiovascular system. He's a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband will surely die."
"First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood."
"Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work."
"Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores."
"Forth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in bed."
On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked "So, I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What did he tell you?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
The E-Mail
It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota who decided to go to Florida for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter.
Since both spouses worked, they had difficulty coordinating their schedules, so the decision was made to have the husband leave for Florida on a certain day, with the wife following him one day later. The man made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an e-mail. However, he left off one letter in typing his wife's e-mail address, and sent the e-mail off without realizing his error.
In another part of the country, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Lutheran pastor who had been called to glory just a few days earlier. She decided to check her e-mail, because she was expecting some e-mail from her husband's relatives and friends, and turned on their computer. Upon reading the first e-mail, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor. The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the monitor's screen, and saw the following e-mail message:
To my loving wife:
I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then,
Your devoted husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and said,"Your husband is suffering from severe, long-term stress and it's affecting his cardiovascular system. He's a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband will surely die."
"First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood."
"Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work."
"Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores."
"Forth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in bed."
On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked "So, I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What did he tell you?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
The E-Mail
It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota who decided to go to Florida for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter.
Since both spouses worked, they had difficulty coordinating their schedules, so the decision was made to have the husband leave for Florida on a certain day, with the wife following him one day later. The man made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an e-mail. However, he left off one letter in typing his wife's e-mail address, and sent the e-mail off without realizing his error.
In another part of the country, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Lutheran pastor who had been called to glory just a few days earlier. She decided to check her e-mail, because she was expecting some e-mail from her husband's relatives and friends, and turned on their computer. Upon reading the first e-mail, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor. The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the monitor's screen, and saw the following e-mail message:
To my loving wife:
I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then,
Your devoted husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
INSIDEYOURMIND
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Nov 12, 2004
- Posts
- 642
A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon.
That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.
That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.
INSIDEYOURMIND
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Nov 12, 2004
- Posts
- 642
The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.
But one Saturday night the cock went missing!
The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.
During Mass, he asked the congregation,
"Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"
All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
But one Saturday night the cock went missing!
The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.
During Mass, he asked the congregation,
"Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"
All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
RJMasters
workaholic
- Joined
- Aug 24, 2004
- Posts
- 4,298
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!
But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would
STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED
FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!
AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !! . . .
I'm sorry. What was the question?
A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!
But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would
STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED
FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!
AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !! . . .
I'm sorry. What was the question?
TNRkitect2b
Sir Brian
- Joined
- Feb 2, 2003
- Posts
- 4,028
shy slave
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 2, 2004
- Posts
- 8,255
RJMasters said:So we don't wanna laugh eh....
Goes to look for a feather
Not the FEATHER
Please RJ please please
*Makes small begging noises*
Anything but the FEATHER!!
I will laugh, I promise I will
Look I am laughing....its funny, really funny, hilarious
Now be a good boy and
PUT DOWN THE BLOODY FEATHER!!
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,585
shy slave said:Not the FEATHER
Please RJ please please
*Makes small begging noises*
Anything but the FEATHER!!
I will laugh, I promise I will
Look I am laughing....its funny, really funny, hilarious
Now be a good boy and
PUT DOWN THE BLOODY FEATHER!!
LOL
AngelicAssassin
Something Wicked
- Joined
- Sep 19, 2001
- Posts
- 10,945
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts.
It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going up stairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eye, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, We are happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!
Wimp. He should have gone back in the house, bufu'd the sister without lube, and come back out to smack ex-Dad-in-law-to-be with the effluvium.
It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going up stairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eye, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, We are happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!
Wimp. He should have gone back in the house, bufu'd the sister without lube, and come back out to smack ex-Dad-in-law-to-be with the effluvium.
Kajira Callista
Empty
- Joined
- Sep 10, 2003
- Posts
- 19,348
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a
helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was
not strong enough to carry them all, so they
decided that one had to leave, because otherwise
they were all going to fall. They weren't able
to name that person, until the woman gave a very
touching speech. She said that she would
voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a
woman, she was used to giving up everything for
her husband and kids, or for men in general, and
was used to always making sacrifices, with little
in return. As soon as she finished her speech,
all the men started clapping their hands...
helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was
not strong enough to carry them all, so they
decided that one had to leave, because otherwise
they were all going to fall. They weren't able
to name that person, until the woman gave a very
touching speech. She said that she would
voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a
woman, she was used to giving up everything for
her husband and kids, or for men in general, and
was used to always making sacrifices, with little
in return. As soon as she finished her speech,
all the men started clapping their hands...
AngelicAssassin
Something Wicked
- Joined
- Sep 19, 2001
- Posts
- 10,945
Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.
You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
PS. If you're trying to find me, don't; your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife
Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was you look just like a man! My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.
When you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
PS. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.
You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
PS. If you're trying to find me, don't; your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife
Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was you look just like a man! My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.
When you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
PS. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
INSIDEYOURMIND
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Nov 12, 2004
- Posts
- 642
What's the difference between Courtney Love, and a Hockey player?
A Hockey player showers after 3 periods!
A Hockey player showers after 3 periods!
AngelicAssassin
Something Wicked
- Joined
- Sep 19, 2001
- Posts
- 10,945
Until you notice the tongue
http://homepage.mac.com/cfj/.Pictures/chameleon-papa.jpg
and even then i get the wicked chuckles.
http://homepage.mac.com/cfj/.Pictures/chameleon-papa.jpg
and even then i get the wicked chuckles.
AngelicAssassin
Something Wicked
- Joined
- Sep 19, 2001
- Posts
- 10,945
i hope it's a puppy
Note the expressions on the pair to the left. "Dayum he's got big feet."http://www.wolaver.org/animals/puppies.jpg
Note the expressions on the pair to the left. "Dayum he's got big feet."http://www.wolaver.org/animals/puppies.jpg
h_i_s
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 17, 2004
- Posts
- 4,335
It's a quiet Sunday here, and while waiting for dinner to cook, as i usually do when i can't decide what i want to do online ........ i start fiddling with google, looking for something to entertain myself with. i found THIS . And while i do have a flat-bed type scanner ..... NOooooo ... i didn't submit any photos to that site. 
Favorite photo that i've seen there so far ...
Favorite photo that i've seen there so far ...
Last edited:
INSIDEYOURMIND
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Nov 12, 2004
- Posts
- 642
Wonderings?
Behavioral problems?
#1...Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
#2..Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is no money in the account?
#3...Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
#4...Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
#5...Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
#6...Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
#7...Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
#8...Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
#9...Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
#10..If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
#11..Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the
bubbles are always white?
#12..Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
#13..Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
#14..Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
#15..Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first
try?
#16..How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
#17..When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
#18..Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
#19..In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
#20..How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
#21..If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try it like your wife told you to do it?
#22..And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!
And my FAVORITE......
#23...The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.
Behavioral problems?
#1...Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
#2..Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is no money in the account?
#3...Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
#4...Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
#5...Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
#6...Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
#7...Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
#8...Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
#9...Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
#10..If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
#11..Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the
bubbles are always white?
#12..Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
#13..Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
#14..Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
#15..Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first
try?
#16..How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
#17..When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
#18..Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
#19..In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
#20..How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
#21..If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try it like your wife told you to do it?
#22..And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!
And my FAVORITE......
#23...The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.
