Now this was really funny

[AngelicAssassin]

"ALT-Ctrl-PLEAD - Cheat Codes for Dating"

My 11 year old son has quickly learned how best to devote his time and energies towards learning and defeating any and all video games that cross his path, and he does so in a very direct and forthright manner: he gets online and looks up cheat codes before the game is even finished installing.

He hasn't quite figured out why I'm not at all impressed with the way he swept through the opposing forces to win the day when I know for a fact that his character couldn't be killed and was probably whistling during the bloodbath, all because of some letter combinations he typed in at the beginning of the game.

"But dad, I won!" he says, turning toward me while behind him his character keeps winning without him. Last night, after he scooted back into his room with a fresh batch from the web, I looked at my wife and said, "Imagine when he starts dating and tries to find the cheat codes for it." And we laughed.

And then we looked at each other, and grew thoughtful. Why the hell aren't there any cheat codes for dating? My mission was clear.


DATING CHEAT CODES (for use with the DateSharkTM adapter)

At the begining of your date, type these codes into your DateSharkTM handheld unit and keep it in your pocket throughout the date. Do not turn the DateSharkTM off! Please be aware that the Spony Corporation does not guarantee the social success of any of these codes, they are presented here for entertainment value only.

DATECASH - grants you $100. Can only be used once per evening.
DATESPIFF - restores your health, cleans your clothing and freshens your breath, for those abrupt meetings.
DATEWHEELZ - lets you cycle through the available automobiles until you find the one that'll make the best impression.
DATEGAUGE - gives you a heads-up display that tracks how well you are (or aren't) doing.
DATETALK - allows you to simulate sensitive and informed conversation. Political or religious conversations will require modifiers.
DATECHAT - provides a hidden drop-down list of your date's interests and favorite foods
DATESCENE - lets you change backgrounds, so the grubby dockside pub becomes a four-star bistro.
DATEJERK - provides a dial so you can adjust your date's intelligence level from "Moron" to "Professor".
DATEGULP - allows you to eat any and all home-cooked food with impunity.
DATEZOOM - lets you jump levels so you can move straight from "1st Date" to "Sleepover". Also works in the opposite direction, for dates that are moving along a little too fast.
DATENOBABY - grants you immediate birth control, lasts until the next round
DATESHROOM - makes you twice the size and adds speed and endurance. Also you glow.
DATETOOL - grants you all of your weapons.
DATE69 - makes your date do that thing you like, whatever it is.
DATEGARD - prevents the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, such as line-dancing.
DATEAMYL - grants you full energy.
DATEZONE - provides a graphic map of your date's body, pointing out specific strategies and areas of interest (hint - perfect for discovering hidden surprises and easter eggs)
DATESHIELD - protects you against all ex-es, irate family members and protective pets.
DATEDEUS - god mode. Allows you to score anybody, regardless of your own personality or physical charms. Also known as the Scott Baio maneuver.
CTR-W - save date. Allows you to save the date whenever you've mastered a level, so as not to jeopardize your standings if you screw up. "Hey you got to 'Hand Under the Bra'! Save! Save!"
CTR-O - open date. After you do screw up, just hit CTR-O and restore the date to the previous level of success.
CTR-ALT-DEL - for when the evening is tanking bigtime. Restores you back to your home, alone, in good health, dressed, and undiseased.
CTR-Z - clear memory. Ideal for the next morning when you'd really rather your date didn't remember how to find you, ever again.
CTR-YOW - spouse mode. A few quick keystrokes and your date turns into an old, ugly, fully dressed business associate.

Keep in mind that this is a two (or more) player game and your date may also have a DateSharkTM, so your results may vary. Happy hunting!

Coming soon - the DateSharkTM web site. Head to our online database and type in your date's name to get responses from other players who have played your date. Tips, tricks, even complete walkthroughs!

 

[shy slave]

Now THATS funny

 

[RJMasters]

Clever....lol

 

[AngelicAssassin]

"Not To Be Taken Internally"

Folks, how many times have you been in the throes of romantic stickiness and suddenly gotten the unbelievably great idea to stick something unusual up your lover's hoo-ha?

Well, we've all been there. It's certainly understandable. There's the naughtiness of it, the playfulness as you both conspire to see what'll fit, the thrill of the forbidden. And some things around the house just beg to be turned into impromptu sexual aids - candles, wooden spoons, broom handles, garden hoses, Marge Simpson figures - so as long as you wash everything before and afterwards (and possibly during), everything's cool. But there are many items that should never be introduced into your lover's body, no matter how much of a good idea it seems at the time and no matter what you've been drinking. Just to head off potential injury, here's a partial list to use as a guide. You may wish to print this out and post it prominently in your bedroom.

Things Not To Insert Into Your Lover's Hoo-Ha

An avocado. They go in easy, sure, but getting them out is a lot more involved. Also pineapples. Oh, and porcupines.

A small, expanding umbrella.

Highway flares.

Lit highway flares.

A rolled-up copy of Action Comics #1. It depreciates the comic too much, and you lose the crispness of the binding.

A G.I. Joe figure, unless you've made absolutely sure his helmet is securely fastened in place, and his kung-fu grip hand is by his side.

Anything that involves liquid nitrogen.

Anything you might need to get back in a hurry, like your car keys, your asthma inhaler, or your DVD remote.

Peloponesian stinging nettles.

Tobasco sauce, unless it's capped really, really well.

D batteries. It seems like a good idea to cut out the middleman and apply them directly, but avoid it at all costs. After a few months the acid starts leaking out.

Jello, because there's no point.

Spools of thread. They always get stuck and you try to get them out and you can only grab the end of the thread and you pull and you pull and you get all this fucking thread but the spool stays in there and you feel like a magician producing scarves and she won't stop laughing at you, the bitch. Then you have to respool the thread.

An electric razor.

A caulking gun, because I can tell you, once it's in there the urge to squeeze that trigger is overpowering.

The collected works of Alexander Isayevich Solzhenitsyn.

Your entire foot, especially if you're wearing any sorts of sports shoe.

Fix-A-Flat.

A garden hose that has one of those spinning watering things on it.

Barbecue utensils.

An old-fashioned bellows, because then we're back to the irresistable temptation thing again.

Loose frozen peas.

Small furry animals. It's so passé.

Model rockets.

One of those Remington power hammers, the ones that use .22 loads to fire nails into concrete, because, well, damn.

Exacto knives.

Exacto blades.

A football.

Fluorescent light bulbs. Use some common sense, people. Wrap them in duct tape first.

Anything that oxidizes vigorously, like phosphorus.

Soft drink cans (it makes the coke all foamy).

Anything your dog is accustomed to fetching.

Evidence.

Nokia 6100-series cellphone. On vibrate.

Anything too slippery to get ahold of again, like a mushy banana dipped in motor oil.

Pocket change.

Anything that the person on the receiving end hasn't gotten a good look at beforehand. You might get away with it if it's something you bought at a nice sex shop, but impolite if you just picked it up at AutoZone.

Your car registration and proof of insurance.

Chain saw blades.

Anything that hooks up to a 220v power source.

Italian food. Not really dangerous per se but, in that situation, aesthetically unpleasing like you wouldn't believe.

Any painting or work of art that costs more than, say, two consecutive paychecks.

Expanding foam insulation.

Fleet week (I had an ex try this)

Anything that's recently been on fire

Anything that is currently on fire

Anything that will be on fire in the immediate future

Fire (just so you'll know, flammable and inflammable mean the same thing...boy did I learn that the hard way!)

A fire extinguisher

The Galveston County Police Department (I had an ex try this too)

Cornflakes and milk (you really have to be talented to use a spoon down there)

Sex toys made from silly putty, sure they feel good, but they just don't hold up.

Thermonuclear devices. (I think this goes back to the temptation issue)

Dave

Rubber dog poo (she will NOT think it is as funny as you do, I promise)

A Radio Shack antenna model number VU-190 XR (a VU-90 XR might be OK)

The television remote (invariably a Britany Spears video comes on right afterwards)

Your Sex Addicts Anonymous book

An alarm clock with an active alarm, because it's really fucking annoying when it goes off and you can't do anything about it and you start throwing yourself down on things trying to hit the snooze button and the other people in the jury won't stop staring at you.

And finally: The computer mouse, cause then you can't surf.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

"The 2004 Presidential Campaign Sex Test"

Having a problem deciding which presidential candidate to vote for? Don't blame you, this election's gonna be a hair. No matter what candidate wins, it's very likely that you, personally, will get screwed. Once you accept that, the choice boils down to a simple question: Which president would you rather get screwed by?


GEORGE W. BUSH (REP) - Here's a guy that knows how to party! Or did, anyway, he may not remember. Anyone's guess whether he's any good in the sack, but don’t be surprised if he constantly tells you how aroused you are, regardless of evidence to the contrary. If you go out don’t let him pick up the tab, as he has a bad habit of spending his money twice. And do you really want to mess around with someone who seems to have no control over his tongue whatsoever?

On the plus side, as an experienced oil man, getting hold of adequate lubrication is just a phone call and he'd always be ready to get you flowers by the simple expedient of slant-drilling a few wildlife preserves. He’ll come up with a cool new nickname for you right away. And expertise isn't a problem, he can always call his team of advisors to help with the tough parts ("...and the clitoris is where? Really? Is it important? Can’t Rove handle it?")

JOHN F. KERRY (DEM) – If you’ve ever wanted to get friendly with one of those Easter Island heads, Sen. Kerry is the man for you! Don’t let the craggy looks and mechanical expressions fool you, this man is a nonstop lovin’ machine, this week, until his campaign advisors read the polls from Iowa and decide he needs to look more moral. Grab him fast!

He’s athletic. He’s rich. And in the event that he cannot perform his duties he’ll get “Baby Face” John Edwards to fill in. What could be better? And if something goes wrong, he'll fully support your right to an abortion.

RALPH NADER (IND) - It is entirely possible that this man has never had sex in his entire life. It's true that if he has, in fact, had any relationships whatsoever then he's kept it quiet. Or he's kept it bottled up completely. Do you want to be the first person to break in a 66 year old "confirmed bachelor"? He won't do the swing thing, he'll be too busy telling you why the vibrator you own is a dangerously unsafe device that hasn't been adequately tested and may come apart during strenuous stroking, and on top of that it was manufactured by heartless corporate megalomaniacs who trampled the environment and gleefully lobbied to successfully mangle safety legislation in order to produce that 8 inch symbol of headlong capitalistic greed you're holding in your sticky hands.

On the other hand, there's something to be said for someone without troublesome former lovers, and you can be very sure that he'll follow every safe sex suggestion every devised from the last 50 years, up to and including pre-coital colonics, genital boiling and the full body condom (latex, denim and reinforced rubber).

MICHAEL J. BADNARIK (LIB) - Be prepared for the wildest time you can possibly give yourself. Well, you can't expect Mr. Badnarik to help out, since the Libertarian Party is based on personal liberty and non-interference. He couldn't possibly lend a hand, or anything else, since your orgasm is completely your own responsibility and you shouldn't have to rely on anyone else to help or prevent it.

I'd also be careful with your birth control, since the government has no business regulating anything such as condom efficiency or progestin dosages.

Good news, though, since you can do literally anything at all that strikes your fancy, no matter how elaborate, how contrived, or how many farm implements it includes, as long as it doesn't involve anyone else. The ideal candidate for the exhibitionist or the really inventive masturbator. Besides, he’s got such a cool name.

WALTER F. BROWN (SOC) - I hope you're reasonably self-sufficient in the sex department, since the Socialist Party's "need-not-greed" attitude means that those fancy hand-tooled leather straps are out. You can use rope, or vines. Don't expect Mr. Brown to offer expensive lubricant either, since it's an expensive luxury enjoyed by the rich at the expense of the poor. Bear grease, nuthin' but bear grease.

But you're welcome to any sort of lifestyle you can imagine, just not a very comfortable one, and frankly I'm curious how "to each according to his needs" translates to someone as horny as myself.

WILLIAM K. LOWRY (CST) - If it's not specifically mentioned in the Constitution or the Bible, you can't do it. It's that simple. Americans are given the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, but only if they're straight and married.
Then again, he'd be... he'd probably... I'm sure he could... I'm sorry, I'm coming up dry here.

And there you have it. There are plenty more to choose from, including candidates from such traditional parties as the Providential Party, The United Christian Party, the National Barking Spider Resurgence, Party X, the E-Democratic Party, the 21st Century Prohibition Party, and (I’m not kidding) Mike’s Party. Choose wisely.

 

[RJMasters]

LMAO my favorite one

One of those Remington power hammers, the ones that use .22 loads to fire nails into concrete, because, well, damn.


ty AA needed the laugh

 

[AngelicAssassin]

"One-Handed Jack"

Tired of your friends bragging about the all-night strip poker game? Frustrated at all the fun adult games in novelty stores or porn shops, games with names like "Around the World in Bed" or "Between the Sheets" or "Shutes and Garters" or something? The ones with blurry-yet-sensual pictures of an impossibly handsome man and a centerfold woman playing a board game in front of a fireplace?

Or you've seen dice that always seem to be bright pink, with words on them instead of numbers (one die has verbs, the other invariably lists body parts). And you've thought to yourself, "Wow, you can really have a lot of sexy fun when you have a playful lover. Now, if only I had a goddamn lover!"

Hey, hey, imaginary person! Calm the fuck down. You don't need anyone else to have fun, unless you're trying to seesaw. Any game ever designed or twisted for adult purposes can also be used for some solitary pleasure. And why not? Why should you limit yourself to quick, furtive wanking when you can enjoy the same sorts of playful, competitive, gonna-end-in-sex fun as anybody else?

I don't mean just playing naked Solitaire. That's pathetic and boring, especially after the first twenty-five times. No, you want something lively and sensual, something designed to tantalize and arouse so as to bring about greater and more powerful sexual satisfaction. Sex games are also a good way to ease yourself past your own shyness. Maybe you're not sure if you want to take the relationship you have with yourself to the next level. Maybe you're uncomfortable with your body, and you're not sure if you're ready to let yourself see it. Sex games are a great way to break the ice and get yourself into a relaxed, excited mood, especially when used in conjunction with vodka. So give it a try! Here's some examples.

Jack Poker - Like the strip variant, only with a few less people. You can play it the old fashioned way, by dealing out two or more hands and playing them all in turn, losing bits of clothing as each hand loses, but it gets complicated trying to hurriedly dress and strip again as you change hands. Positions. You know what I mean. Much easier to go online and find a virtual poker game to play against (Yahoo has one). Play against the computer and bid as directed, but lose articles of clothing every time you lose a hand. Naughty, isn't it? Can you feel the excitement building as you unbutton your shirt? Do you find yourself hunching to conceal a raging erection from yourself? Damn, this is hot!

Twisted - Naked Wesson Oil Twister is tricky to play by yourself, but don't give up. Keep the spinner near whichever hand isn't currently load-bearing. Then just spin the spinner and call the shots! The oil gives your body a slick and sexy feel, and playing in front of a mirror allows you to catch surreptitious glances of parts of your anatomy you don't ordinarily get to see, such as your own perineum. But the real fun of playing Twister is the close contact. You’ll never know if you're going to direct yourself to move your hand or your leg in such a way as to come into contact with yourself. Will you get offended? Will you get aroused? Will you get lucky? Get Twister!

Truth or Dare - Now we're talking! Get in your pajamas, make some s'mores, huddle up on the bed and play. Each turn you have to either answer your own question, no matter how personal or embarrassing, or you can choose an intimate task for yourself to perform. Hours of fun, and you'll be much closer to yourself afterwards. Feel the heat rise as you wait breathlessly to hear what erotic task awaits!

Role-playing - It can get boring doing it the same way, time after time. Hop into bed or slink into the bathroom and do what needs doing. Where's the excitement in that? Liven it up by trying different costumes, be different people. Every sex guide, even the respectable ones, suggests role-playing as a way to spice up your sex life, so give it a try! You can dress up and be a masturbating priest, a pirate, a president! Whack off the way Humphrey Bogart would, or Madonna, or the Secretary General of the United Nations. Pretend you're a babysitter pleasuring herself, or Cleopatra after an unsatisfying date with Marc Antony.

Please note I am not referring to the Dungeons & Dragons type of role-playing. I'm sorry, but figuring out your masturbating experience on graph paper and rolling for encumbrance would just be pathetic.

Sensations - Masturbation is a powerful erotic experience, but it tends to lack surprise and spontaneity. You can bring the sparks back into your love life by bringing back the element of uncertainty. Next time you're sitting there watching the game, sneak up and grab yourself without warning. Surprise yourself in the bath, or pounce on your unsuspecting body in the car wash. Blindfold yourself and feed yourself different types of food - you'll get lost in the rapturous sensation of helplessness and trust, and the delighted surprise and sensuality of never knowing what you'll tantalize yourself with next. Avoid hot soup.

There's lots of others, just take any game you enjoy and assign smutty penalties, rewards and prizes. Monopoly (long, but worthwhile), Hide and Seek (thrilling and adventurous), even Checkers can be a wildly arousing activity when you know you'll have yourself naked and wet at the end of it. Try it! Liven up your sex life with a little playfulness, and I promise you'll be amazed at the reaction you get. Especially if your roommate walks in to find you playing naked Wesson Oil Twister by yourself.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

"Quiz: Are You Sexy Enough?"

“How to Give Her 15 Screaming Orgasms Before She Gets Both Her Shoes Off”
“We Review the 100 Best All-Natural, Water-Based Non-Carcinogenic Lubes””
“Can You Last An Hour, Or Are You a Failure?”
“How Can I Tell If My Lover’s Prostate Tastes Right?”

Lifestyle magazines are full of handy sexual tips these days. Due to various social and economic rules that are closely tied to mankind’s baser instincts, it is exceedingly rare indeed to find anything on the newsstands that doesn’t have the word “orgasm” somewhere on the cover, up to and including “The Christian Science Monitor” and “Highlights”. And it can be difficult to wade through this heaving onslaught of material without getting the feeling that you might be somehow… lacking? Not as well-versed in the tantric Vedas as you should be? Do you find yourself unable to quickly analyze your partner’s state of arousal by pheromone level alone? Have you screwed enough people to constitute a sufficient statistical universe? Is your score in the Purity Test distressingly pure?

Just take this handy quiz to see if you have what it takes in today’s hip, savvy boudoir:

1. To me, Sex is…
a. something to be shared between two people in a loving, committed relationship
b. something to be shared with that redhead over there
c. something to be shared between seven people in a loving, committed relationship
d. a supremely athletic event that’s getting ruined by amateurs and corporate sponsors, like surfing
e. more necessary than air

2. My favorite sex toy is powered by:
a. “C” batteries
b. a car battery
c. a turbine engine
d. an intricate network of gears, pulleys, waterworks and pack animals
e. a small, self-contained nuclear power plant

3. The last place I had sex was:
a. in bed, with the lights off
b. on the dining room table, with the lights on
c. on the dining room table at the Embassy Hilton, with the lights on
d. in an Esprit V8 going 160 mph through a mountain pass at midnight, with the lights off
e. inside a coffin, during a cremation

4. I judge a man's sexuality by his:
a. length
b. length and width
c. imagination
d. length, width, and imagination, and credit rating, and golf handicap
e. network of scar patterns

5. What are the only utterly necessary steps of any sexual encounter?
a. male orgasm
b. intercourse, male orgasm
c. foreplay, intercourse, male and female orgasm
d. foreplay, multiple mutual orgasms, intercourse, multiple mutual orgasms, intercourse, multiple mutual orgasms (repeat)
e. Stamping ground, flapping arms while displaying cheek pads in aggressive display, hooting loudly, flinging dung at rivals, building a nest to attract the female butcherbird, orgasm, consuming mate and depositing eggs in still-warm corpse

6. I judge a woman’s sexuality solely by her:
a. hooters
b. sensual, confident attitude
c. willingness to have sex with me
d. hooters and willingness to have sex with me
e. willingness to have sex with me and any three of my buds

7. How many of your lover’s erogenous zones have you successfully located?
a. 12
b. 35
c. all of them
d. only the ones on my lover’s actual body
e. all of them, and I created three more

8. Judging from your own experience, what is the average length of a man’s penis?
a. 9”
b. 10”
c. 11”
d. a and c
e. 13” or more

9. How do you keep track of your lovers afterwards?
a. my diary
b. reading The National Enquirer
c. collecting CDs of every band I’ve had
d. a dedicated computer database, online so it can be updated from anywhere, instantly
e. my staff handles that sort of thing

10. I learned about sex from:
a. my parents/uncle/aunt/teacher/coach/parole officer
b. my schoolmates
c. porn videos
d. porn videos starring my parents
e. directing porn videos starring my parents and my schoolmates

11. My first time was:
a. gentle and loving, with someone I cared about
b. wild and animalistic, with someone handy
c. a carefully crafted media event to help debut my new perfume
d. as number #257and #263 in the “World’s Largest Gang-Bang 2”
e. recorded by three separate amateur astronomers on two different continents as a new sighting

12. Safe sex means:
a. condoms, foam, those little rubber things the girl sticks in
b. getting a complete blood test and medical history back to the crib
c. wearing your seatbelt during
d. making sure the knots are within reach
e. knee pads, support cables, two burly spotters, and making sure the safety is on

13. What’s the longest sex act you’ve ever experienced?
a. an honest 3 minutes, by God!
b. halftime
c. the duration of the cab drive from Camden to Parliament, not counting the stop for drinks and preventatives
d. the duration of the plane trip from New York to Zurich, not counting the break for dinner but including the movie
e. it began on Bastille Day, 1991, and has been peaking steadily since

14. You discover that your new lover is married. What do you do?
a. end it immediately, it’s not worth the heartache
b. continue until discovery is imminent, then get the hell out
c. stay in the relationship until you have drained it of every drop of potential pleasure, then bring the whole marriage down in flames
d. leave immediately, preventing closure, then make a point of re-entering your lover’s life in a dramatic fashion every few years to keep things interesting
e. immediately seduce your lover’s spouse as well, either simultaneously or in sequence, to keep things fair

15. Oral sex is:
a. okay, I guess
b. better than anything on this earth, unless it’s football season
c. the best way to shut someone up, ever
d. the very best way to say “good morning!”
e. the only proper study of a lifetime

16. How far will you go on a first date?
a. a chaste kiss, if the rest of the date has been agreeable
b. a passionate kiss, if we really hit it off
c. oral sex, either as a promise or as the best way to get them to leave
d. an all-nighter, but only if it’s understood that I never do that sort of thing, that’s what I always say
e. I might be willing to conceive a child, but the medical fees have to be Dutch treat

17. Anal sex is:
a. dirty and nasty and specifically prohibited by God
b. okay, if you must insist, but only for a special occasion such as an anniversary or perfect bowling game, but get it over with and don’t ever tell anybody or I’ll poison your coffee
c. something to be approached with care, with someone you love and trust implicitly
d. something to be approached with bear grease
e. what you do after everything else on your body is used up

18. I think the first time you make love to a new person, you should:
a. be very certain that this is what both of you want, and then go slowly and gently
b. get good and drunk and go at it like crazed ferrets
c. be respectful and get her aroused gradually, using just the one fist
d. probably get their name, at some point
e. probably discover their gender, at some point

19. If someone ever took nude pictures of you, how would you respond?
a. with affronted dignity
b. with flattered “thank you”s
c. with wild sex and some photography of my own
d. with tips on lighting and composition
e. with legal injunctions against sale or distribution until contracts can be signed that grant me all rights regarding reproduction in any and all forms of media, especially cinematic productions or webcasts

16. After sex, how long do you wait until you tell your best friend?
a. until after the relationship is over
b. until the next day, at lunch
c. until I can reach the phone without offending
d. until I can figure out which of the tangle of bodies in the bed is my best friend
e. I never tell, they can damn well buy the book like everybody else

Scoring

Give yourself 1 point for every “a” answer, 2 points for every “b”, 3 points for every “c”, 4 points for every “d”, and 5 points for every “e”. Add ‘em up and find yourself below.

20 – 39 points: Perhaps you might consider reading a nice religious tract, or keeping bees, or whatever it is that boring people do.

40 – 59 points: Not bad, not bad at all. You’re very nearly sexy enough to hang out with us, but you’d be, metaphorically speaking, the guy that always gets sent for beer.

60 – 79 points: Now we’re getting somewhere. Sexy, adventurous, relatively uninhibited, selfish enough to be exciting in bed and insufferable everywhere else. You’d do anything someone asked you to, but you’re not at your best when it comes to inventing your own moves. I’d do you and even admit to it afterwards.

80 – 99 points: Yow! You’re a smoking hottie and you’ve got rock stars hanging around your front doorstep waiting for you to come out. If only they knew your heart belongs to… well, you. You’re impulsive, exciting, and ready to drop everything and go at it wherever you are. You’d bang the priest during your own funeral if you could get the book out of his hands, and we love you for it.

100 points: You are a sex god/dess, and I can only assume that your love slave filled out this questionnaire under your precisely screamed orders. You certainly wouldn’t have had the time. You don’t play at destroying marriages, you bring down governments. You are the destroyer manifested in supple flesh, and we kneel before you. Carefully. Or you’re a total slut, but that’s good too.

 

[Wizard]

This was funny

http://www.beecy.net/frank/

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Rub a dub dub ...

http://mstu.cz/~bozek/obrazky/Animals/Badetag.jpg

 

[AngelicAssassin]

This would explain the mobo heat issues ...

http://www.scifi.dk/dyr/computer.jpg

 

[AngelicAssassin]

i am NOT a black cat

http://www.scifi.dk/dyr/catchasesdeer.jpg

 

[AngelicAssassin]

And you wonder what happens to the bath beads while you're out of the house

http://www.scifi.dk/dyr/PlayWithSink.jpg

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Didn't know whether to laugh, or ...

http://www.furry.org.au/chakat/Photos/Cf8-033.jpg

 

[AngelicAssassin]

http://mstu.cz/~bozek/obrazky/Animals/Caffeine.jpg

 

[m wisdom]

http://www.kontrabandcontent.co.uk/1/graphics/pics/ky_advertising.jpg

Why can't all advertising be this funny.

 

[Kajira Callista]

heh.

 

[m wisdom]

Adopt a pet.

http://www.worth1000.com/view.asp?entry=147295&display=photoshop

 

[AngelicAssassin]

So good

giving the link to the entire site ...

Click me.

Personal favorites ...

http://www.fishbot.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/nohands/hesbaaaaack.gif

http://www.fishbot.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/nohands/catxorcistsmall.jpg

http://www.fishbot.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/nohands/growsup.jpg

 

[Cleopatra]

"the irresistable temptation thing."

Funny.

 

[m wisdom]

Saddam, master of disguise

http://www.worth1000.com/view.asp?entry=61426&display=photoshop

More pics here
http://www.worth1000.com/cache/contest/contestcache.asp?contest_id=1533&display=photoshop#entries

 

[m wisdom]

Overclocked toothbrush

http://www.g4techtv.com/flashpop.aspx?video_key=8874

 

[RJMasters]

Re: Overclocked toothbrush

http://www.g4techtv.com/flashpop.aspx?video_key=8874

Grinz...so...basically a thong is consider a good floss then right?

 

[AngelicAssassin]

A Letter from a Redneck Grandma

Dear Son:
I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal.

I am seeing five gentlemen everyday. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.

What a life. Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.

Love,
Grandma

P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"

 

[graceanne]

This could well be the joke of the year..........

A three year old little boy was examining his testicles
while taking a bath.

"Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"

Mama answered, "Not yet."