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Now this was really funny

okay, so I'm bad

Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself in a mirror. Her frustration over
her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her. In an act of
desperation, she decided to call on God for help. "God, if You take away my
love handles, I'll devote my life to You," she prayed. And (*POOF*) just
like that her ears fell off.
 
A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the guy.

"I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself
in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and
standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening attire. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone
gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven."

So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

He reflects for a minute, then the senator answers, "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all
there is, is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning ... Today, you voted for us!"

VOTE WISELY THIS COMING ELECTION!!!
 
Doesn't happen often ...

But this GB thread, between Telafio and VermilionSkye, laced with a little BDSM humor had me holding the tummy.
 
Even More "You Might Be A Redneck If ..."

You wonder why there isn't a hairstyle called "The Hat Line."

The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and they're only twenty years old.

You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.

You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug.

The strongest smell in your house is butane.

Your dog passes gas and you claim it.

You think paprika is a Third World country.

You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."

None of your shirts cover your stomach.

Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."

You judge drive time solely by the number of beers you need to take.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.

You own a homemade fur coat.

You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.

You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.

Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".

You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

You've ever given rat traps as gifts.

You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.

Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.

The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.

You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
 
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
  • An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
  • An old friend who once saved your life.
  • The perfect partner you have been dreaming about your whole life.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could:
  • pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first,
  • or take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back,
  • but you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:
  • give the car keys to my old friend
  • let him take the lady to the hospital, and
  • stay behind to wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

Now that the you've received your spiritual uplifting for the day, the correct answer is:
  • run the old lady over and put her out of her misery,
  • have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, and
  • drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
 
Loved it AA, that was worth sending on to others.........;)
 
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and was for distribution of all wealth.

She felt deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, which she expressed openly. One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs.

Based on the lectures that she had participated in and the occasional chat with a professor she felt that for years her father had obviously harbored an evil, even selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.

He stopped her and asked her point blank, how she was doing in school. She answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain. That she studied all the time and never had time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of spending all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your good friend Mary doing?"

She replied, "Mary is barely getting by." She continued, "She barely has a 2.0 GPA," adding, "and all she takes are easy classes and she never studies." "But Mary is so very popular on campus, college for her is a blast, she goes to all the parties all the time and very often doesn't even show up for classes because she is too hung over."

Her father then asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's Office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0." He continued, "That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter visibly shocked by her father's suggestion angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I worked really hard for mine, I did without And Mary has done little or nothing, she played while I worked real hard!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
 
Black Humor for Floridians

tongue in cheek required.
 

Attachments

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From MAD

Within my chambers I hath leather whips,
And paddles never meant to hit a ball.
I also keep a horde of metal clips,
To place on breasts large, medium or small.
That I do wish to torture, is quite true,
A maid who doth enjoy such wondrous pain,
Yet here I sit with spirits low and blue,
For women I approach find me insane.
I tell these maidens they should worry not,
If I by chance should break their lovely nose,
For everything short of a rifle shot,
Is covered by all decent HMOs.
Me hopes I find a lass who loves me well,
Before I’m thrown back in mine padded cell.
 
The 100 Rules Of Porn

Found this on the General Board
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=282769


The 100 Rules Of Porn

1. When a woman see's a man's penis, she immediately puts it in her mouth.
2. Women's panties become soaked with moisture at the slightest suggestion of sex.
3. All women love to swallow.
4. Men and women always cum at the same time during sex.
5. Premature ejaculation? Never!
6. Babysitters are the luckiest people on the face of the earth.
7. School teachers and college professors are the second luckiest people on the face of the earth.
8. Women really have the best (or full) orgasms only from phallic intercourse.
9. When a husband finds that his wife has been cheating on him, he is more turned on than angry.
10.When a woman finds that her husband wants to watch her fuck other men, she thinks it a swell idea.
11.Pool boys/gardeners/groundskeepers are the third luckiest people on the face of the earth.
12.A girl's first date leads to her first kiss before ending with her first fuck.
13.Every woman, no matter what age, has perfectly trimmed or shaved pubic hair.
14.Kids leave the doors to their rooms open while they masturbate. Parents leave their doors open while they have sex.
15.No one ever smells bad, even after having sex on a cum-soaked mattress for umpteen hours.
16.All men can consistently deliver 8-10 thick blasts of semen.
17.All black guys are extremely well hung.
18.All women produce amazing amounts of "juice" that either flows down their legs or drips from their pussy like a leaky faucet. And they never dry out, even after hours of non-stop sex.
19.Newspaper carriers (both boys and girls) are the fourth luckiest people on the face of the earth.
20. Any woman can deep throat any man no matter how long he is.
21. Forty-year-old divorced guys have no trouble scoring with
large-breasted 18-year-old girls.
22. Forty-year-old divorced women have large-breasted 18-year-old bodies.
23. Women cum about 20 times from straight missionary fucking.
24. Oral sex is the only way to wake your lover up.
25. The wife has a secret stash of "toys" the husband has no clue about.
26. Anal sex requires very little preparation time. Even the first time.
27. Married men love fantasizing about their wives having sex with other men, and they will jump at the chance to let that fantasy come true.
28. A woman whose male lover has spurned her will invariably be a dyke by the end of the story.
29. Who needs condoms?
30. Young males get hard almost immediately after ejaculation (if they indeed lose erection at all) and are able to perform on multiple women (i.e. their own mothers and the mother's three female friends).
31. If a woman has small breasts, she will always have dark, pointy, otherwise amazing nipples.
32. She also makes up for her deficiency by having a tight ass and a ravenous sexual appetite.
33. A backrub ALWAYS leads to something else.
34. If a married man's wife has a sister, the sister will be a bombshell sexpot (more beautiful than his wife) who is just aching for a chance to leap in the sack with him.
35. Anyone caught in the act of masturbation won't stop, but will instead continue to completion.
36. Older men always prefer younger girls, no matter how air-headed they may be.
37. Older women are desirable only to younger, teenaged boys... but fortunately, those older women are more than willing to teach those teenage boys how to do it right.
38. Parents routinely leave porn tapes and sex toys lying around the house for babysitters and children to find.
39. Videos enhance sex. A sexually conservative wife/girlfriend will
immediately become an insatiable slut after watching a hot tape.
40. No sexually active teenagers have zits.
41. If a guy has a female friend who's a stripper, he'll end up back stage doing all her co-workers.
42. If a girl has a male friend who's a stripper, she'll end up backstage getting gangbanged.
43. Long hair never gets in the way.
44. Your girlfriend's mom is a carbon copy of her daughter and she's just as horny.
45. And your best friend's mom looks like a sex goddess and hasn't had a good fuck in years.
46. The guy can always stick it into the girl without missing or fumbling, even the first time, Even after drinking.
47. All men have dicks at least 9 inches long and 3 inches wide.
48. When visiting married friends not seen since high school/college, you must first smoke pot and get a good buzz going before fucking your friend's wife in the ass while your own spouse wolfs down gallons of your buddy's cum like it was Diet Coke.
49. Flashback mode seems to work best here.
50. Men never lose their erection in the middle of things.
51. Women always love having their nipples bitten right away, while they're still warming up.
52. No one ever gets sore or a cramp.
53. Women love laying there and getting pounded in the same position for hours at a time.
54. Especially when taking on three, four, or ten guys in a row.
55. All women love facials. Really.
56. The man's dick never accidentally slips out at the wrong moment.
57. Women "never want a man as bad as this one."
58. A straight woman will go mad with ecstasy when a lesbian eats her out.
59. Two or more high school girls left alone all weekend in a big house will invariably engage in lesbian sex.
60. And when little sis complains about being left out, she is immediately introduced to every sex act imaginable.
61. If you're a single male, visiting married friends will involve yourfucking the wife while the husband fucks you because, you know, it just feels right.
62. All attractive women are insatiably bisexual.
63. But all "bisexual" women really want a man. That's why two women having sex with each other will instantly drop everything and pay all their attention to the man who just walked in on their scene.
64. All women have a secret longing to fuck someone other than their husband, so that they can finally see what a "real dick" feels like.
65. All married men are under-endowed, and every wife cheats with a man whose dick is twice her husband's size.
66. Husbands never raise an eyebrow when their wives leave the house alone at night dressed in sexy stockings and a garter belt, and head off to the bar.
67. No man ever has any objections when his wife comes home from that bar and tells him how a stranger just fucked her better than she'd ever gotten it from her husband.
68. Instead of being mad, having just learned that his wife cheated on him with another man, a husband will get more turned on than he's ever been in his life and willingly suck the strange man's cum out of his wife's pussy.
69. He will then begin planning her next night out where he will be able to join her and maybe even get to watch her fuck another strange man.
70. If the husband decides to take part in the orgy involving his wife, he will not actually participate in her adventures until after she's been drenched in sperm by several men/eaten out by a wild lesbian/fucked silly by a total stranger.
71. If a wife is "lucky enough" to have a husband who encourages her to have sex with another man, it only shows her how much he loves her.
72. Only men who are already married themselves sleep with another man's wife (presumably because their own wife is already having an affair with another man).
73. Bosses routinely have sex with their married female employees, with no fear of sexual harassment charges being filed.
74. Every woman desires sex with their boss.
75. After sex, no woman ever tries for advancement by bribing her boss with the threat of going to his wife with details from their sordid affair.
76. Never get married if you are not prepared to have your wife cheat on you with another man, unless you yourself are willing to help her.
77. It is common practice for the groom's father and brothers to "break in" on his future wife, usually on the wedding day and almost always minutes or at most hours before the ceremony.
78. When two couples swap partners for a night, both wives prefer sex with the other woman's husband over their own.
79. A woman who has refused to swallow her husband's sperm for 15 years will suddenly find herself overcome with the desire to do it for another man who she just met.
80. When a woman wants to have an affair, she immediately becomes very undiscerning and never worries that the person she finds in the bar and fucks minutes after meeting him might have a sexually transmitted disease.
81. Only married women looking to cheat on their husband go to bars.
82. Only horny young guys who are looking for married women are there to pick them up.
83. If a guy is lucky enough to peep at a woman through a small opening (keyhole, hole in wall, gap between window shade and windowsill), he will be treated to a full-blown peep show as the woman strips and masturbates.
84. If the girl notices the man peeping at her, she will smile and continue her strip-and-masturbation routine for him.
85. If the man and the woman are in locations physically close to each other (adjoining rooms, for instance), she will then burst into his room and force him to confess.
86. She will then fuck him.
87. If the wife walks in while the father is fucking his 16-year-old
daughter, she will not get mad.
88. Instead she'll drops all her clothes and participate.
89. When mom/sis/aunt accidentally walks in on her masturbating 16-year-old son/brother/nephew, she knows it's time to teach him about sex.
90. She then calls him into her room.
91. She then asks him questions about his virginity.
92. She then fucks him.
93. It never crosses mom's mind that screwing her son is going to cause him problems in the future.
94. It's always her way of "looking out for him" or "getting him ready."
95. When a woman first tastes cum, she immediately loves the taste.
96. Pizza delivery boys are the fourth luckiest people on the face of the earth.
97. Hospital patients are the fifth luckiest people on the face of the earth.
98. If a big dog is mentioned in a story (even one that isn't specifically "beastiality"), that dog will end up having sex with a human female.
99. Horses are incredibly aroused by naked human females.
100. So are dogs.
 
I must say I too have been enjoying the pictures quite a bit....:D
 
Re: You might be a redneck ...

AngelicAssassin said:
then again, you might just be bold as brass.
Click to expand...
Oh,

my

gods and goddesses...
that is just too freakin' funny!
 
Re: You might be a redneck ...

of course it ends up a double post with the damned litlag being as bad as it is tonight. :(
 
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