Now this was really funny

[snowy ciara]

13 Things Films Have Taught Us




1) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.


2) Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.


3) All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.


4) Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank security system or the communication system of an invading alien civilization.


5) Every single person in martial arts Film has a black belt in karate.


6) When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.


7) 1 man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20 men shooting at 1 man if he is the hero.

8) During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.

9) Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single people with a low wage.

10) The entire British population lives in London.

11) It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight; your enemies will attack you one at a time while the others dance around you menacingly.

12) In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all the words to the songs and the steps to the dances.


13) When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are not necessary to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

 

[TNRkitect2b]

A funny quote in regards to the hurricane:

Now here's irony defined for the hate-filled: one of the places to emerge almost entirely untouched from the storm was the Mardi-Gras Southern-decadent party-filled, homosexual-inhabited French Quarter. Maybe that's a message that God really wants us to have a little fun. Hmm.

 

[wildfyre]

Poor Sad Bunnies!

Dammit ciara! It took me two weeks to get that song out of my head the first time I heard it!

<walks off humming.....mumbling...stupid bunnies.....>

 

[FurryFury]

A funny quote in regards to the hurricane:

Now here's irony defined for the hate-filled: one of the places to emerge almost entirely untouched from the storm was the Mardi-Gras Southern-decadent party-filled, homosexual-inhabited French Quarter. Maybe that's a message that God really wants us to have a little fun. Hmm.

That is kind of funny but there really isn't much irony in that. The oldest part of the city is the highest. That's why people moved there to begin with.

Fury

 

[TNRkitect2b]

That is kind of funny but there really isn't much irony in that. The oldest part of the city is the highest. That's why people moved there to begin with.

Fury

Trust me, Iam quite aware of that fact.

 

[Krinaia]

That is kind of funny but there really isn't much irony in that. The oldest part of the city is the highest. That's why people moved there to begin with.

Fury

<bangs head>

That particular part of the city's altitude isn't exactly what made it attract the notoriety it did. Cincy has a high parts of town that are out of flood reach that aren't decadant and full of sexual perverts. A lot fo towns have high sections that aren't characterized by sin in the same way the French Quarter.... I think you have missed the point of the irony in explaining it away with geography.

 

[FurryFury]

<bangs head>

That particular part of the city's altitude isn't exactly what made it attract the notoriety it did. Cincy has a high parts of town that are out of flood reach that aren't decadant and full of sexual perverts. A lot fo towns have high sections that aren't characterized by sin in the same way the French Quarter.... I think you have missed the point of the irony in explaining it away with geography.

Okay. My bad.

Fury

 

[Sir_Winston54]

The teacher says to her new class, "For our first lesson, each of you will stand up, tell us your name, what your father does, spell what your father does, and then explain it to us. All right, Billy. You go first."

Billy stands up and says, "My name's Billy. My father's a lawyer, l-a-w-y-e-r, and he defends people in court."

The teacher says, "Very good. All right, Benjamin."

Tyrone stands up and says, "My name's Benjamin. My father's a pharmacist, f-a-m... f-a-r-n... f-n..."

The teacher says, "Benjamin, you go home tonight and learn how to spell pharmacist. All right, Angelo."

Angelo stands up and says, "My name's Angelo. My old man's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he was here, he'd give you nine-to-five odds Benjamin ain't spellin' pharmacist by tomorrow."

 

[Sir_Winston54]

The headline says it all: Two Wives, One With Two Hubbies, Costs Cop. <Sigh> Can we spell "D-U-M-B-A-S-S-E-S?"

 

[D's mariposa]

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix



The professor told his class one day: ³Today we will experiment with a newform called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pairoff with the person sitting immediately beside him or her.



As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a shortstory. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.


Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails, and
anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.



The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:
Rebecca and Gary.



THE STORY



(first paragraph by Rebecca)



At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.



(second paragraph by Gary)



Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neurosis of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.



(Rebecca)



He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedlyn and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.



(Gary)



Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

(Rebecca)



This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.



(Gary)



Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F---ING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steel novels!"



(Rebecca)



Asshole.



(Gary)



Bitch



(Rebecca)



F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!



(Gary)



Go drink some tea - whore.



(TEACHER)


A+ - I really liked this one.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Two political candidates were having a hot debate.

Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other, "What about the powerful interest that controls you?"

And the other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of this!"

 

[Sir_Winston54]

At his 103rd birthday party, the old man was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

 

[Sir_Winston54]

On a whim, a man decided to get his wife a dozen roses and surprise her after work.

The minute he opened the door, his wife took one look at the flowers in his hand and started screaming, "This is the worst day that I have EVER had! The kids have been terrible. They got in a food fight, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement, I burned dinner, the dog chewed up my best pair of shoes...AND NOW YOU'VE GOT THE NERVE TO COME HOME DRUNK!"

 

[Sir_Winston54]

A hillbilly was in jail serving 30 years for robbing banks. After serving about 12 years he is notified that his Uncle Joe from Chicago has died and left him over $100,000. The hillbilly was so happy when the warden said he would put it in trust untll he was released.

The warden asked him if there was anything he wanted to buy before tying the money up. The Hillbilly said he had read a lot about computers and wanted a computer. The warden said "sure" and got him a computer. A brand new Compaq computer. After a few weeks the warden visitied him in his cell to see how he was doing. To his amazement he saw the computer smashed on the floor.

The warden asked the Hillbilly what happened. The Hillbilly said it didn't work right and he got mad. He said it would not even complete the simplest task.

The warden asked him what he wanted the computer to do. The Hillbilly said he just wanted one thing from the computer. One simple task and it could not do it.

The Hillbilly said, "I hit the escape key and nothing happened, I hit the key again and still nothin, I am still here. I think I will sue Compaq."

 

[Sir_Winston54]

The father grew increasingly displeased as his teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.

"I have to ask you to move your car," dad told him.

"Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?"

"No," he replied, "it's parked at the wrong address."

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied ... "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says "Loft."

The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says "Loft."

As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you answered the same exact answer each time. What is loft?"

The pro says, "Lack of flippin' talent."

 

[Sir_Winston54]

A Good Way to Begin the Day

1. Open a new file in your PC.

2. Name it "HOUSEWORK"

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN

5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"

6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....

 

[Sir_Winston54]

The preacher said, "There's no such thing as a perfect woman. Anybody present who has ever known a perfect woman, stand up." Nobody stood up.

"Those who have ever known a perfect man, stand up."

One elderly gentleman stood up.

"Are you honestly saying you knew an absolutely perfect man?" he asked, somewhat amazed.

"Well now, I didn't know him personally," replied the little old man, "but I have heard a great deal about him. He was my wife's first husband."

 

[shy slave]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into
her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a con dom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Kidnapping Suspect Was Girls' Martial Arts Instructor

 

[Joe Schmoe]

Kidnapping Suspect Was Girls' Martial Arts Instructor

Good for them! Shame they didn't put him in the hospital with serious injuries.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

 

[AngelicAssassin]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here.

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said,"Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on.' So, she did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.' So I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," says Mike. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. (idiot)

So, on his honeymoon, Mike takes off his pants and says to Karen, "Here try these on."

She does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me."

Mike replies, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then, Karen takes off her pants, hands them to Mike and says, "Here you try on mine."

He does and says, "I can't get into your pants."

So Karen says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."