AngelicAssassin
Something Wicked
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- Sep 19, 2001
- Posts
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Now this was really funny
- Thread starter Wizard
- Start date
G
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Ah! Laughter is the best medicine!
That reminded me of my daughter, LOL!
That reminded me of my daughter, LOL!
Sir_Winston54
Assume the position!
- Joined
- Jul 15, 2004
- Posts
- 14,027
Thoughts (?) for the day:
Obi-Wan and young Luke are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes him- self a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master. Poor Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself.
Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the FORKS, Luke."
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."
He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."
The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today.
The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."
The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen."
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" he demanded of the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-
Leaving Montreal for Quebec, I decided to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I went into the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went to the second stall. I'd just sat down when I heard a voice from the next stall... Hi there, how's it going?"
Now I'm not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say, but finally I said, "...Not bad..."
Then the voice said, "So, what are you doing?"
I thought that was kind of weird, but I said, "Well, I'm just going to the bathroom, then I'm going back East..."
The voice interrupted, "Look, I'm going to have to call you back. Every time I ask you a question, this goober in the next stall keeps answering me!"
Obi-Wan and young Luke are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes him- self a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master. Poor Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself.
Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the FORKS, Luke."
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."
He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."
The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today.
The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."
The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen."
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" he demanded of the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-
Leaving Montreal for Quebec, I decided to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I went into the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went to the second stall. I'd just sat down when I heard a voice from the next stall... Hi there, how's it going?"
Now I'm not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say, but finally I said, "...Not bad..."
Then the voice said, "So, what are you doing?"
I thought that was kind of weird, but I said, "Well, I'm just going to the bathroom, then I'm going back East..."
The voice interrupted, "Look, I'm going to have to call you back. Every time I ask you a question, this goober in the next stall keeps answering me!"
G
Guest
Guest
Oh dear, I must stop clicking these links! 
arctic-stranger
Waiting for July
- Joined
- Jan 17, 2005
- Posts
- 1,133
saldne said:Oh dear, I must stop clicking these links!
My eyes are still moving!
Sir_Winston54
Assume the position!
- Joined
- Jul 15, 2004
- Posts
- 14,027
The Watch
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?"
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.
Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake.
"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than that."
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not fair."
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15 000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries."
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?"
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.
Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake.
"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than that."
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not fair."
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15 000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries."
arctic-stranger
Waiting for July
- Joined
- Jan 17, 2005
- Posts
- 1,133
This is a piece i am working on.....any ideas for improvement?
humor - a message whose ingenuity or verbal skill or incongruity has the power to evoke laughter
I once read a book called “The Humor of Jesus.” It was not a funny book. The author had to strain so hard to make Jesus into a funny guy that any and all potential humor got squeezed out by the seriousness of his own argument. The whole of Jesus’ humor hinged on his overstatements; “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle” or “First take the speck out of your own eye, then worry about the log in your neighbor’s eye.”
I know there are translation difficulties here, going from Aramaic to Greek to English, and that we are separated by a 2000 year gap of time, but the basic reality is that if Jesus tried this stuff on us as comedy, he would looking like one the pathetic people never got past the first round on Last Comic Standing.
I wonder if Jesus ever played practical jokes on people. Peter is taking a sip of water from his bottle, and Jesus turns it into wine just as it enters his mouth. Then when Peter goes for the second sip, Jesus turns it all back into water. As Peter takes the third sip he sees Jesus hunched over laughing in his hand. That is funny.
If there was any humor in Jesus’ ministry, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John were very skilled at leaving it out.
WWJD? My question is WWJLA, (What Would Jesus Laugh At?) —WTFWJLA?
A friend of mine was serving communion at an Episcopal church. The congregants had come to the alter, and were kneeling to receive the sacrament. One woman was wearing a particularly low cut blouse, and as my friend served her he said, “Breast of God, given for you,” instead of the usual “Bread of God, given for you.”
As he was serving the next person he realized what he had just said. Shocked by his own words, he moved to serve the next person, but as he was serving him, he thought to himself, “What did I just say to the last person? Did I say ‘bread’ or ‘Breast’?”
By the time he got the next person, he could not remember whether he was supposed to say “bread” or “breast.”
I find that insanely funny, possibly because it happened to someone else, and not to me, but I wonder if Jesus got a chuckle that day? Could he possibly enjoy a little off color humor?
Humor and spirituality don’t mix very well because humor is, at heart, much like pornography. The whole point of pornography is to get you from point A (non-arousal) to point B (a place we will leave undefined). The whole point of humor is to get you from point A (not laughing) to point B (laughing).
There is the rare comic novel that is witty and light, and which may not make us laugh, but amuses us ever so slightly. Evelyn Waugh does this, for example. And there is some sexual material that is more literary than pornographic, such as Anais Nin, but for the most part, the climatic acts are essential for either to have any punch.
Both are intended to produce a specific result, and if they don’t produce the expected result, they really have no redeeming value. (At this point you may be wondering what exactly I know about pornography. I have three things to say to that. First, I got that definition from Umberto Eco, in his essay How to Recognize Pornography. Second, I admit I did read Anais NIn, but I did so in German, as a vocabulary building exercise, and third, I bet you are waiting for me give examples of humor, and then show some pornography to really make my point. Shame on you!)
Spirituality as a whole is not impressed with the point B’s of either humor or pornography. It pretends to have a loftier goal, although in the end, spirituality is also just moving people from point A to Point B, Point A being non-spiritual (or pagan or sinner or fundamentalist or Republican, depending on your point of view) and Point B being….well you could be a good Christian, a good Muslim, enlightened, guilty, Born Again, awake, saved, redeemed, or, most important, a tither. If humor aids movement from the various point As to somewhere in the neighborhood of the Point Bs, then so be it.
(It is a generally accepted practice in the spiritual community to not use pornography for such purposes.)
Laughter is rarely associated with God, and probably for good reasons. Can you imagine the reaction of Moses standing before the burning bush, if God tried to warm him up with a joke? “Yo, Mo! A rabbi, a priest, and minister walk into a bar….” Leaving Moses to wander exactly what a “rabbi” is.
And what if God’s jokes just weren’t all that funny? Would you laugh, just to avoid the smiting that might come from the hand an angry God? What if God’s sense of humor was radically different from ours? For example, what would it do to your theology if you found out that God took Benny Hinn very seriously but thought Mother Teresa was a riot?
Humor is a very personal thing. I love Monty Python, and am prone to break out shouting “No one expects the Spanish Inquisition” or “Bring out your dead!” at odd moments. My wife, on the other hand, does not get it. Monty Python is wasted on her.
Maybe God was just too daunted by the fact that there were some rooms even He could not work, so he decided to leave well enough alone. I mean can you imagine ….
Not to mention that the notion of God laughing is really uncomfortable because the most accessible thing for God to laugh at is us. While we certainly deserve a hearty share of laughter, especially when we are being serious, we like to think better of the Almighty. We like to think God takes us as seriously as we take ourselves.
**************
G.K. Chesterton said that angels fly because they take themselves so lightly. The first time I heard that it gave me some comfort, but now it gives me chills. Was Gabriel pulling Mary’s leg when announcing her impending pregnancy? Was the incarnation some celestial practical joke, a way to the angels to get their jollies at Joseph’s expense?
*****
There is one genre where humor and spirituality mix easily—Golf jokes. Almost every golf joke involves death or God. Hit the ball, drag Fred. You have a tee time on Wednesday. She was a good wife. Who is he going to tell? Who does he think he is, Jesus? No he thinks he is Arnold Palmer.
I once found a golf joke that did not have anything to do with death or God, but I forget. I guess it was just not that funny.
I am not sure what connection golf has to death and spirituality, especially since golf elicits the kind of language rarely if ever found in church. I have always said that golf is one long continuing lesson in humility, but there has to be more to it than that.
******
The basic problem we run into is that God is pretty serious, and it is just hard to take a funny guy seriously. We like a funny guy. After all, we did elect Jimmy Carter, a man who looks like a mule eating bees when he grins. But when things got rough, and he had to get serious, we turned on him with a vengeance.
humor - a message whose ingenuity or verbal skill or incongruity has the power to evoke laughter
I once read a book called “The Humor of Jesus.” It was not a funny book. The author had to strain so hard to make Jesus into a funny guy that any and all potential humor got squeezed out by the seriousness of his own argument. The whole of Jesus’ humor hinged on his overstatements; “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle” or “First take the speck out of your own eye, then worry about the log in your neighbor’s eye.”
I know there are translation difficulties here, going from Aramaic to Greek to English, and that we are separated by a 2000 year gap of time, but the basic reality is that if Jesus tried this stuff on us as comedy, he would looking like one the pathetic people never got past the first round on Last Comic Standing.
I wonder if Jesus ever played practical jokes on people. Peter is taking a sip of water from his bottle, and Jesus turns it into wine just as it enters his mouth. Then when Peter goes for the second sip, Jesus turns it all back into water. As Peter takes the third sip he sees Jesus hunched over laughing in his hand. That is funny.
If there was any humor in Jesus’ ministry, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John were very skilled at leaving it out.
WWJD? My question is WWJLA, (What Would Jesus Laugh At?) —WTFWJLA?
A friend of mine was serving communion at an Episcopal church. The congregants had come to the alter, and were kneeling to receive the sacrament. One woman was wearing a particularly low cut blouse, and as my friend served her he said, “Breast of God, given for you,” instead of the usual “Bread of God, given for you.”
As he was serving the next person he realized what he had just said. Shocked by his own words, he moved to serve the next person, but as he was serving him, he thought to himself, “What did I just say to the last person? Did I say ‘bread’ or ‘Breast’?”
By the time he got the next person, he could not remember whether he was supposed to say “bread” or “breast.”
I find that insanely funny, possibly because it happened to someone else, and not to me, but I wonder if Jesus got a chuckle that day? Could he possibly enjoy a little off color humor?
Humor and spirituality don’t mix very well because humor is, at heart, much like pornography. The whole point of pornography is to get you from point A (non-arousal) to point B (a place we will leave undefined). The whole point of humor is to get you from point A (not laughing) to point B (laughing).
There is the rare comic novel that is witty and light, and which may not make us laugh, but amuses us ever so slightly. Evelyn Waugh does this, for example. And there is some sexual material that is more literary than pornographic, such as Anais Nin, but for the most part, the climatic acts are essential for either to have any punch.
Both are intended to produce a specific result, and if they don’t produce the expected result, they really have no redeeming value. (At this point you may be wondering what exactly I know about pornography. I have three things to say to that. First, I got that definition from Umberto Eco, in his essay How to Recognize Pornography. Second, I admit I did read Anais NIn, but I did so in German, as a vocabulary building exercise, and third, I bet you are waiting for me give examples of humor, and then show some pornography to really make my point. Shame on you!)
Spirituality as a whole is not impressed with the point B’s of either humor or pornography. It pretends to have a loftier goal, although in the end, spirituality is also just moving people from point A to Point B, Point A being non-spiritual (or pagan or sinner or fundamentalist or Republican, depending on your point of view) and Point B being….well you could be a good Christian, a good Muslim, enlightened, guilty, Born Again, awake, saved, redeemed, or, most important, a tither. If humor aids movement from the various point As to somewhere in the neighborhood of the Point Bs, then so be it.
(It is a generally accepted practice in the spiritual community to not use pornography for such purposes.)
Laughter is rarely associated with God, and probably for good reasons. Can you imagine the reaction of Moses standing before the burning bush, if God tried to warm him up with a joke? “Yo, Mo! A rabbi, a priest, and minister walk into a bar….” Leaving Moses to wander exactly what a “rabbi” is.
And what if God’s jokes just weren’t all that funny? Would you laugh, just to avoid the smiting that might come from the hand an angry God? What if God’s sense of humor was radically different from ours? For example, what would it do to your theology if you found out that God took Benny Hinn very seriously but thought Mother Teresa was a riot?
Humor is a very personal thing. I love Monty Python, and am prone to break out shouting “No one expects the Spanish Inquisition” or “Bring out your dead!” at odd moments. My wife, on the other hand, does not get it. Monty Python is wasted on her.
Maybe God was just too daunted by the fact that there were some rooms even He could not work, so he decided to leave well enough alone. I mean can you imagine ….
Not to mention that the notion of God laughing is really uncomfortable because the most accessible thing for God to laugh at is us. While we certainly deserve a hearty share of laughter, especially when we are being serious, we like to think better of the Almighty. We like to think God takes us as seriously as we take ourselves.
**************
G.K. Chesterton said that angels fly because they take themselves so lightly. The first time I heard that it gave me some comfort, but now it gives me chills. Was Gabriel pulling Mary’s leg when announcing her impending pregnancy? Was the incarnation some celestial practical joke, a way to the angels to get their jollies at Joseph’s expense?
*****
There is one genre where humor and spirituality mix easily—Golf jokes. Almost every golf joke involves death or God. Hit the ball, drag Fred. You have a tee time on Wednesday. She was a good wife. Who is he going to tell? Who does he think he is, Jesus? No he thinks he is Arnold Palmer.
I once found a golf joke that did not have anything to do with death or God, but I forget. I guess it was just not that funny.
I am not sure what connection golf has to death and spirituality, especially since golf elicits the kind of language rarely if ever found in church. I have always said that golf is one long continuing lesson in humility, but there has to be more to it than that.
******
The basic problem we run into is that God is pretty serious, and it is just hard to take a funny guy seriously. We like a funny guy. After all, we did elect Jimmy Carter, a man who looks like a mule eating bees when he grins. But when things got rough, and he had to get serious, we turned on him with a vengeance.
AngelicAssassin
Something Wicked
- Joined
- Sep 19, 2001
- Posts
- 10,945
Bra Jokes from email.
A man walked into the Women's Department of Macy's in New York City. He told the saleslady "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked? "What kind of bra?" He repeated "A Baptist Bra" - She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist Bra, and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember" said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?"
The lady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright." He mused on that information for a minute, and asked "So, what is the Baptist type for?" "They," she replied, "make mountains out of mole-hills."
~~~~
Bra Sizes
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, H and how the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up.
A man walked into the Women's Department of Macy's in New York City. He told the saleslady "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked? "What kind of bra?" He repeated "A Baptist Bra" - She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist Bra, and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember" said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?"
The lady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright." He mused on that information for a minute, and asked "So, what is the Baptist type for?" "They," she replied, "make mountains out of mole-hills."
~~~~
Bra Sizes
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, H and how the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up.
AngelicAssassin
Something Wicked
- Joined
- Sep 19, 2001
- Posts
- 10,945
arctic-stranger
Waiting for July
- Joined
- Jan 17, 2005
- Posts
- 1,133
Re: Cancelled Dodge Commercial
I am going to have to stop clicking on your links while i am in the office! the laughter is driving people nuts....
AngelicAssassin said:
I am going to have to stop clicking on your links while i am in the office! the laughter is driving people nuts....
AngelicAssassin
Something Wicked
- Joined
- Sep 19, 2001
- Posts
- 10,945
Re: Re: Cancelled Dodge Commercial
Should i include spew alerts for the future?arctic-stranger said:
TNRkitect2b
Sir Brian
- Joined
- Feb 2, 2003
- Posts
- 4,028
Re: Re: Re: Cancelled Dodge Commercial
Nope. If it is in this thread, people should know better.
AngelicAssassin said:
Nope. If it is in this thread, people should know better.
AngelicAssassin
Something Wicked
- Joined
- Sep 19, 2001
- Posts
- 10,945
Re: Re: Re: Re: Cancelled Dodge Commercial
i thought that too, but wouldn't want the guy fired over humor.TNRkitect2b said:
arctic-stranger
Waiting for July
- Joined
- Jan 17, 2005
- Posts
- 1,133
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Cancelled Dodge Commercial
not fired, but it makes people wonder what i am up to!
AngelicAssassin said:
not fired, but it makes people wonder what i am up to!
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
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- Jun 22, 2004
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LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a ..44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not.
You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
*********************************
MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy."
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a ..44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not.
You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
*********************************
MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy."
AngelicAssassin
Something Wicked
- Joined
- Sep 19, 2001
- Posts
- 10,945
The Brothers ... again
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"
Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out, but they had had a few too many Bacardi breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee so they stopped in the cemetery. Neither of them had anything to wipe with so the first one thought quickly - she would take off her panties, use them and throw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive pair of panties and did not want to lose them. Luckily she found a large ribbon on a wreath that was hanging on one of the graves. She proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls took care of business, they headed home.
The next day one of the women's husbands phoned the other husband and said, "Listen, these damn girls' nights out are gonna stop. Would you believe my wife came home last night with no panties?"
"Tell me about it," said the other guy. "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said,
'From all of us at the fire station. We will never forget you!'
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"
Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out, but they had had a few too many Bacardi breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee so they stopped in the cemetery. Neither of them had anything to wipe with so the first one thought quickly - she would take off her panties, use them and throw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive pair of panties and did not want to lose them. Luckily she found a large ribbon on a wreath that was hanging on one of the graves. She proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls took care of business, they headed home.
The next day one of the women's husbands phoned the other husband and said, "Listen, these damn girls' nights out are gonna stop. Would you believe my wife came home last night with no panties?"
"Tell me about it," said the other guy. "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said,
'From all of us at the fire station. We will never forget you!'
For men who live with woman and PMS
http://ak.imgag.com/imgag/product/p...graphic1&mtype=0&&NameFirstTo=&NameFirstFrom=
http://ak.imgag.com/imgag/product/p...graphic1&mtype=0&&NameFirstTo=&NameFirstFrom=
AngelicAssassin
Something Wicked
- Joined
- Sep 19, 2001
- Posts
- 10,945
Golden Oldies from email
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice-even with all her piercings, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad; she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son,
John
PS Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home!
~ ~ ~
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the Gasparilla parade He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his pirate outfit in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks,"Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 1 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"
Broken furniture - $85.26,
Hot Breakfast - $4.20,
Red Rose bud -$3.00,
Two Aspirin -$0.38,
Saying the right thing, at the right time - Priceless.
~ ~ ~
Phone call from Daddy
((((RING))))
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank"
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
*Brief Pause*
"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone "I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
*Long Pause*
"Swimming pool?"
***Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Is this 555-7039?"
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice-even with all her piercings, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad; she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son,
John
PS Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home!
~ ~ ~
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the Gasparilla parade He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his pirate outfit in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks,"Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 1 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"
Broken furniture - $85.26,
Hot Breakfast - $4.20,
Red Rose bud -$3.00,
Two Aspirin -$0.38,
Saying the right thing, at the right time - Priceless.
~ ~ ~
Phone call from Daddy
((((RING))))
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank"
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
*Brief Pause*
"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone "I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
*Long Pause*
"Swimming pool?"
***Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Is this 555-7039?"
AngelicAssassin
Something Wicked
- Joined
- Sep 19, 2001
- Posts
- 10,945
Some old, some new
Notice, however, i made no attempt at punning hor, ho, whor, or anything else of that nature.
BOT
You're An EXTREME Redneck When ...
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Thanks for the email, sis
Of course it's bad. That's the point.SkylineBlue said:
Notice, however, i made no attempt at punning hor, ho, whor, or anything else of that nature.
BOT
You're An EXTREME Redneck When ...
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Thanks for the email, sis
arctic-stranger
Waiting for July
- Joined
- Jan 17, 2005
- Posts
- 1,133
Re: Some old, some new
You see a sign that says, "Just say 'No' to crack"..... and you hitch up your jeans.
AngelicAssassin said:
You see a sign that says, "Just say 'No' to crack"..... and you hitch up your jeans.
TNRkitect2b
Sir Brian
- Joined
- Feb 2, 2003
- Posts
- 4,028
AngelicAssassin
Something Wicked
- Joined
- Sep 19, 2001
- Posts
- 10,945
Re: Reason #43 NOT to get a webcam
Frickin' spew alert next time ... http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-8/363868/yelrotflmao.gifTNRkitect2b said:
