novice sub fear factors

[WriterDom]

I can understand the fear of a novice submissive as far as putting her safety in the hands of a Dom for the first time. Or even the fear of giving away too much of her heart.

But there is another fear that I’ve seen. The fear of having no experience. What is at the core of this fear? Is it a fear of not measuring up in some way to subs who have experience? Or a fear of wimping out if things got a little heated? Or is it something else?

 

[lovetoread]

All of the above.

Throw in how you feel about how your body looks,as compared to others, and the fact that you dont know exactly how you will respond and there you have it.

Also factored in this is the fact that you've been told that how you are is not how its supposed to be and self doubts flood your mind.

I mean if I am not doing it right for this one, how in the world could I do it right with someone with lots of experience?

 

[Caitlynne]

I can understand the fear of a novice submissive as far as putting her safety in the hands of a Dom for the first time. Or even the fear of giving away too much of her heart.

But there is another fear that I’ve seen. The fear of having no experience. What is at the core of this fear? Is it a fear of not measuring up in some way to subs who have experience? Or a fear of wimping out if things got a little heated? Or is it something else?

This is a good question with a lot of different answers I'll wager. The ones you mention are of course the obvious ones.

The fear of not measuring up, displeasing your Dom. In the beginning this is real because there is nothing in the sub's expereince to compare herself to. In RL value is quite often measured in terms of a 'compared to' kind of thing. The sub, because of her lack of any real experience, has no idea how she will compare and can therefore doubt her value. (Even if there is not real basis for this fear)

The fear of wimping out...... I'm not sure about this one, it's my expereince that it was all a step by step thing.... each step building on the one before....... I never reached a point where I feared whimping out....... because the gradient used was so natural for me. However, I can see that this could be a natural fear because the sub has no idea what her limits will be...... or how far she will be able to go........ or not go.......

One fear that I had/have is the fear of the unknown...... When you are new, everthing is unexlpored territory, and while this is exciting.. part of that excitment contains a very real fear.........

An inexperienced Sub has no frame of reference when it comes to judging a Dom and whether or not she can trust him. Sure there are questions to ask, time and evaluation-- using common sense. but the real bottom line is this......

Even after all the steps needed to build that trust and confidence are taken, the first time or the first relationship is like falling backwards into the arms of a stranger........ like falling backwards over a cliff... I had to ask myself, where will I land, how will I land, that first initial surrender is a very frightening moment and it can be complicated further if those fears are not acknowledged and dealt with. (by the sub, the Dom, both actually)

While a sub may know she is submissive...... for an inexpepreinced one how that submission will be accepted and used is a complete unknown... and it is frightening.

Of course there is also the fear that if she can't DO this, can't SUBMIT she will be lost as well........ Anyone in those first experiences is full of conflict and fear. The fear of taking those steps forward into the unknown and the fear of NOT taking them........ and forever being incomplete.....

For the inexpereinced sub, it can be the very real fear that she may not be able to do what she knows she needs to do. If her fears regarding trust and limts, her fear of the unknown, her fears about measuring up, her fears that she will not be pleasing ..... all get in her way. then the ultimate fear takes hold...... the fear that she will never be who she really is, never be complete.......

In the beginning, she has no way of knowing if she will be able to take the steps she needs in order to make that journey. Basically the plain ol fear of failure....... and the fear of the consequences of that failure........

It's not easy.........

~ Cait

 

[Desdemona]

Cait and LTR, you both summed it up quite nicely from my experience. It was a pretty intense; dealing with the war between need and fear.

I suspected that once I took the step to submit, I wouldn't be able to go back and I was right. That first step is a doozy!

 

[Freya]

I think these women have said it all. I think my fears boil down to unworthiness. If a Dom has had years of experience in this, they've obviously had subs who know what they are doing, know what they like, know all the guidelines/rules/intricacies of this type of relationship. So why would they have any interest in some fumbling newbie who has no concept of what she's doing? Wouldn't it just be easier for them to go find someone who they don't have to train/guide/spend time peeling the layers from? So even if they don't actively compare me to previous subs, I'd be mentally comparing myself, and would be afraid of not measuring up.

Plus, I have a gazillion trust issues on my best day, and from what I can see, taking this step requires more trust than the average relationship. So the idea of giving complete trust to someone scares me as well.

 

[Desdemona]

I think these women have said it all. I think my fears boil down to unworthiness. If a Dom has had years of experience in this, they've obviously had subs who know what they are doing, know what they like, know all the guidelines/rules/intricacies of this type of relationship. So why would they have any interest in some fumbling newbie who has no concept of what she's doing? Wouldn't it just be easier for them to go find someone who they don't have to train/guide/spend time peeling the layers from? So even if they don't actively compare me to previous subs, I'd be mentally comparing myself, and would be afraid of not measuring up.

Plus, I have a gazillion trust issues on my best day, and from what I can see, taking this step requires more trust than the average relationship. So the idea of giving complete trust to someone scares me as well.

Freya, each relationship with a Dom/me is different. They each have different rules and guidelines and expectations. While some things may be a given with more experienced subs, there are still things to learn, other things to "unlearn", baggage from previous relationships that must be dealt with, etc. Some Dom/mes may actually find a complete novice to be easier to deal with.
When this step is taken, I doubt that few subs are able to trust completely at first. That depth of trust is earned over time as the relationship develops.

 

[MissTaken]

When you first engage in BDSM, do you find that one of your fears is that you will disappoint the Dom/me in finding that submission isn't for you?

A fear that you have somehow misrepresented yourself to Him/her as well as you?

Just curious.

 

[abbey_kyle]

I am a total newbie here...to this board (thank god I found you guys!) and to BDSM. So many things I want to try, so many fears that it won't be how I have imagined it.

I am afraid of my threshold--what I think I can handle and what I can actually handle may be two different things.

I am afraid of finding a Dom--I don't want my first experience (if it's bad) to tarnish every experience after.

Afraid of what I might discover about me--that I actaully can handle more than I thought!

I am slowly entering BDSM and have been trying it solo--just bought my first anal plug: WooHoo!--I think taking that step to actually allowing someone to take over is the most terrifying thing of all.

abbey

 

[lovetoread]

Welcome to Lit, abbey_kyle.

 

[Freya]

When you first engage in BDSM, do you find that one of your fears is that you will disappoint the Dom/me in finding that submission isn't for you?

A fear that you have somehow misrepresented yourself to Him/her as well as you?

Just curious.

Yes, thats my other fear. I feel as if it is for me, everything I've read, seen and experienced seems to show me that it is so. But what if I'm wrong, and I really am just looking for a kinky sex partner? I don't think that's true, but on the other hand, a few things about this lifestyle do seem to grate on me the wrong way so I have to wonder if submission is really me.

But, for the limited amount that I have been exposed to it, and to the one person I have spoken to about this, and with whom I have had my limited exposure and received a good bit of advice and knowledge from, I have been very honest about that aspect. That I am still just "looking around" and deciding what's right for me.


Des - rationally I think I knew that, but I know my head, and I know that those thoughts will still be there for me. Call it a self esteem issue, call it whatever - even knowing something to be true in the rational part of my brain, I still think and wonder if I'm doing things right, or as well as others have before me. Thank you for saying that though.

 

[Desdemona]

Des - rationally I think I knew that, but I know my head, and I know that those thoughts will still be there for me. Call it a self esteem issue, call it whatever - even knowing something to be true in the rational part of my brain, I still think and wonder if I'm doing things right, or as well as others have before me. Thank you for saying that though.

Freya, I'm still somewhat new to all this. I still have those concerns about being compared to others and coming up lacking. I don't dwell on it. I just concentrate on trying to please him. Really, that is what is important.

 

[MissTaken]

I do think that subs have this funny little competitive nature.

We want to be the "best" sub we can be.

Sometimes, the "best" He has had.

We want to excel at the path we have chosen and sadly, like anything else, it takes practice and experience.

It takes many tumble before we feel comfie.

Be patient and remember in any arena of our lives, we are works in progress!

 

[Caitlynne]

When you first engage in BDSM, do you find that one of your fears is that you will disappoint the Dom/me in finding that submission isn't for you?

A fear that you have somehow misrepresented yourself to Him/her as well as you?

Just curious.

Yes, this is something that is there. Without experience how can you know to a certainty. At least how can you know that in practice it will be real. It is obviously real in our minds!

Like anything in life, we inexpereinced subs may really have a romantic notion of it all...... like the college coed who wants to be a doctor in an under-developed country.. only to find out she can't deal with sick people one-on-one.

The lack of experience leaves the whole concept in the mind (and the imagination) of the sub, doesn't it? So your question is certainly a consideration.

I think all of us newbies have to take it upon oursleves to really do the work on oursleves first. Do our homework in order to try and reduce this particular fear as much as possible, even tho we have limited expereince. The necessity to be able to trust our own inner lives and inner needs should be as important as learning to trust any Dom. It is not all up to them.

~ Cait

 

[lark sparrow]

An inexperienced submissive can take an experienced Dominant back to the joys and intensity of initial discovery. Think of all the freshness that S/He can re-experience through your eyes, with the pride of being your guide. That can be a real "gift" as well. I know some Dominants don't "do" newbies, but there are others that delight in it.

I also agree with all the fears that people have expressed so well here. It can be scary. I actually chose to go to a pro Domme the first time - it seemed a good way to test my reactions in a safe environment without the pressure of an overtly personal relationship. But that was really scary in it's own right. Seems it's a rite of passage, and some experienced Dominants relish that interplay.

 

[Caitlynne]

Be patient and remember in any arena of our lives, we are works in progress!

MT,

I missed this when I posted, we must have been writing at the same time........

Good advice, thank you! I forget this sometimes ~ and hopefully we always *will* be works in progress ...... Nothing kills the soul faster than stagnation.

~ Cait

 

[MissTaken]

MT,

I missed this when I posted, we must have been writing at the same time........

Good advice, thank you! I forget this sometimes ~ and hopefully we always *will* be works in progress ...... Nothing kills the soul faster than stagnation.

~ Cait

I like your remark as well, "Nothing kills the soul..."

I just wanted to comment on your posts, the depth of personal feeling you are sharing and the insightfulness of your comments.

Thank you!

 

[Caitlynne]

I like your remark as well, "Nothing kills the soul..."

I just wanted to comment on your posts, the depth of personal feeling you are sharing and the insightfulness of your comments.

Thank you!

MissTaken, Thank you very much, I appreciate your words of encouragement........

~ Cait

 

[maddi]

I guess I have not feared being the best for my Dom because he is my husband too and we are both learning this together. We each have an area that we need to work on and really the only fear we have is going to far. Will our relationship make it if we push a limit too far?

But I do fear the eventual need we have to participate in events and public scenes. Body image is everything to me and I am very heavy. My husband though would be proud to show me off, though. Thus the fear and conflict.

The only other fear I have is when a deep seated fantasy turns out not to be as great as the reality. Candle play didn't work out as great as I thought it would. We are going to try it again..but. And.. also if he isn't even trying to spank me very hard now (it hurts...ouch) what will it feel like if he spanks me harder? Those are my fears.

I know I didn't add anything deep or new. I just thought I would express my humble opinion.

Maddi

 

[Bandit58]

Oh this is me right now....I'm moving to live with my Master in just over 2 weeks and will start my training soon after I get there. I'm excited and nervous, but the trust is there and also much love and caring on both sides.

I'd be interested to hear how other first time submissives overcame that initial fear and nervousness. I guess everyone goes through it, but it's very different when it's yourself! In my searching this thread seemed the closest to what I was feeling, and judging by the last post it's been a while since it was discussed, so hope to get some more input from others

 

[~ Emmeline ~]

Oh this is me right now....I'm moving to live with my Master in just over 2 weeks and will start my training soon after I get there. I'm excited and nervous, but the trust is there and also much love and caring on both sides.

I'd be interested to hear how other first time submissives overcame that initial fear and nervousness. I guess everyone goes through it, but it's very different when it's yourself! In my searching this thread seemed the closest to what I was feeling, and judging by the last post it's been a while since it was discussed, so hope to get some more input from others

I honestly believe that you have a good start on the relationship because you care about each other, trust each other, and have love for one another. Knowing this, I don't believe that he would try and take you further than what you're comfortable with. Safe, sane and consensual means many things... including your mental, physical and emotional states, and your ability to accept what he desires for you. No Master that truly cares about you would push things faster than you can handle it. Growing together is what makes the relationship work.

Being nervous is a normal reaction. Trust that he knows you well. He may be nervous about it too... no Dominants are perfect. The wise ones learn WITH you, as they learn ABOUT you.

How did I overcome the initial fear? I haven't yet. ~grins~ But I'm not completely sure that I'd want to. A small element of fear can be exciting. I'm not a masochist in any sense, but I enjoy the element of surprise.

Emme

 

[Bandit58]

Thanks for that Emme

I guess it's that fear of disappointing Him that I am most worried about, of wimping out too early. Also the unknown....I've never done any form of BDSM before, not even being spanked or tied up. I've lurked here, and read, and talked online to a friend who is a sub, but nothing compares to the real skin to skin.....

 

[Etoile]

I'd be interested to hear how other first time submissives overcame that initial fear and nervousness. I guess everyone goes through it, but it's very different when it's yourself!

The same way you get to Carnegie Hall: practice, practice, practice.

But that's the easy part. Although trust in your dominant is essential, and practicing will make you better at whatever it is you're afraid of doing, the important (and difficult) part is to remember that it's okay to be new at this. Your dominant knows you're new (and if you haven't mentioned it, speak up NOW), and will have patience while you learn.

 

[Scarlett_t2]

I just wanted to thank everyone for there thoughtful insites. As someone "new" to the lifestyle I have been reading everything I can get my hands on. This subject is how I have been feeling the last few months. The only difference is I am not the sub but the Dom. Tho I know this is how I am and it feels natural and right, I have had many doubts about everything. Where I am lucky is my SO and I have been able to talk and share everything and this has helped me alot. We also have a great mentor who has been there to answer our every question. (There has been many.) The trust issue and our communcation has been the key for us to continue to follow this path. The learning together has just added to the bliss of it all. I am fearful I will make mistakes (something I don't like to do) but the trust I find in him has helped me learn to trust myself. I hope this all made sense. It is my first post on this board.

Thank you
Scarlett
P.S. Keep up the great posts, there are alot of us lurkers out there who read and learn from you all everyday!!

 

[NekoBakamegami]

Oh this is me right now....I'm moving to live with my Master in just over 2 weeks and will start my training soon after I get there. I'm excited and nervous, but the trust is there and also much love and caring on both sides.

I'd be interested to hear how other first time submissives overcame that initial fear and nervousness. I guess everyone goes through it, but it's very different when it's yourself! In my searching this thread seemed the closest to what I was feeling, and judging by the last post it's been a while since it was discussed, so hope to get some more input from others

I envy your situation... sounds so nice...

I guess with my little bit of experience I am still a semi-first time sub... and right now, I think I'm just going to let that be that... it all interests me and I KNOW it's what I want... but I think I am just going to sit this out. I had my first experience a few months ago with my "master" who introduced me to this community. I've been lurking here, envying all the subs, ever since. Anyway, my first experience wasn't a good one. I went into the experience with a lot of fears. I have many, many paranoias - abandonment, my body, people's feelings toward me, etc. I guess he didn't understand me, but he showed me what I percieved as affection, and I fell for him - mind you this was supposed to be no emotional attachments situation. I realized half-way through the weekend I'd have to leave, and I had the gut feeling he'd never talk to me again, just like the other guys I've been with. I cried so hard - I cried, and he held me, which was a thing no one, not even my mother, ever did, so this holding thing was a HUGE deal for me, and I fell for him - hard. The weekend was fun and full of little lessons about BDSM, and I thought things would continue. But, he never called me again, then got really rude toward me. All the trust I put in him, my emotions, everything. It felt as though he just didn't care and he broke my heart. I am pretty sure any other guys I'll be with will be the same - I'm good enough to screw, but anything else is out of the question. Thus, all my fears are confirmed and intensified. LoL I pitty the Dom who might try to train me... I'm just SO fucked up >.<

Good luck in your D/s relationship... I dunno why I shared my story... I'm sorry for wasting the thread's space and your time... but I guess I had to write it... I dunno if it even makes sense... meh... I guess you can file my "experience" under the stupidity and ignorance of a silly little girl... blah...

 

[Limbhugger]

As I've said elsewhere, I'm an extremely strong charactered man. An ex-cop, former ground combat specialist, outdoorsman, etc. I'm a deep thinker and solver of problems. I'm slow tempered but harsh when it comes. I walk with my head up and look people square in the eye. All things that the world perceives as confident, self-assured, dominant.

But truth be told, I'm far from dominant. I'm only perceived as such because the world is largely full of the insecure. So, signs of strength are readily recognized. Some resent it, some welcome it, some envy it, and others need it.

Nor am I at all confident and self-assured. I suppose in many regards i have over-compensated for lack of confidence and thus have created the persona the world meets. Few indeed are those who get to see deeper inside. And only one person gets to come all the way in. Wife gets to see all my weaknesses and insecurities and fears. Wife gets all of me. The strong and weak. The confidence and the fears. The light and the dark. The good and the bad.

I've always known I've been a submissive although I didn't realize the term or understand it completely until a few years ago. Equally, I've always known Wife was dominant and my Domme. I think very early on in our step onto the D/s lifestyle, she greatly feared I would surrender my strengths and become some puddle goo. She very much needs me to be a strong man and in no way desires a slave. Rather she seeks a tricky balance wherein I bow to her obvious dominance on some occassions yet hold her tight in my arms and melt the world away on others.

I present this drawn out prelude to set-up my real answer to the question. What do I fear? The unknown.

What will happen when the real rawness begins to boil out of our souls? When the mind surrenders control to the darkness that it struggles against each day. When the purity and hence the true purification takes over.

The demons I wage my private battle with will undoubtedly be released by Wife. She has seen most but not all. I'm not even sure I have seen them all. Deep in the corners of my mind what lurks there?

I can see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel though. I love Wife with all my heart and know that together this journey shall bring us closer and eventually make us better people. It's like writing a book that you know exactly how it begins and you know exactly how it will end, know you just have to fill in everything in between. It is the in between that I fear.

I guess in the end, what I fear, is me.